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In Monopoly, buy the orange properties.
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I burnt my ass and tummie... ~just saying....
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ooOOooOOOhhhh how i want to comment on this |
This was sent to me and I don't know where it is originally from. :blink:
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm Serious, Dad. Can you help?' I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. 'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !' I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!) 'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). 'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (again with the sarcasm)! By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.' 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked. 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically. 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?' I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked. 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just . just . . excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly!' The vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me. 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. Two lizards: $140. One cage: $50. Trip to the vet: $30. Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:Priceless! Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs! |
My soccer team is squaring off against Serbia tomorrow at 0-dark thirty!
:4femme: 14 hours to go.... |
I'm not sure if I am liking my new landlord--and we haven't even moved in!
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*sniff sniff* :caveman: Hmmm, I smell bacon... :flyingpig:
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I would prefer to just stay in bed with my eyes closed. When I do I dream and the world and all of its stresses melt away.
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Wait. Did you go to a tanning booth? :blink: |
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...... now it's a little hard to sit.. *smirk*
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I am drunkenly posting :nixon:
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Just Let Your Soul Glooooowwww!!!!
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The people with their little plastic, heteronormative, smiles, flashing their BLING BLING --- look?! at me! rings. It's ALL about the ring. I die. And look. And crave understanding and look in their eyes for one woman whom I can share that, for me, it is not about a diamond. Will she still like me? If I told her? I say nothing. They think I am straight. I have a ring...How do I tell them? I'd like to meet and be friends with a woman where... if I told them my husband was trans...she would be cool. But I am afraid they would not understand. |
homemade vegan ice cream is easy to make.
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I drunk-posted lastnight... :eek: ....Im so glad it wasn't that bad...'cause I don't know how to erase anything embarressing :deepthoughts: I need to figure out how...yanno...just in case it gets bad or i open a :canoworms: ...yea...there has to be a way :dots:
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Moby. A musical genius. Unafraid. I respect artists who have no fear and explore all possibilities.
My opinion. |
I respect artists who think for themselves and actually create for themselves rather than for their audiences.....the ones who challenge the status quo rather than acscribe to the almighty dollar
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But then again sometimes certain music just sounds good to me even if its a total production...ill admit that there is some music that is absolutley worthless but the tune catches my ear in just the right way...so i keep listening...
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Feeling like a little chinese take out for dinner today...
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Inglorious Basterds is one of the most boring movies I've ever seen.
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Ah well. ~Theo~ :bouquet: |
Blowing glass....dance classes....artistic expression in general....
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Rock band until the wee hours of the night. I think the pups are tired of hearing us wail away! *grin* Time to give them a break and go to bed. Can't believe I'll be up and working again in just a few hours. What was I thinking?
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[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLGdi4o3ZUE&feature=related"]YouTube- 7 Walkers, "Sugaree" into "Not Fade Away"[/nomedia]
I have a hateful blister from dancing last night to these groovy mother fuckers. :grin: |
I had a movie marathon yesterday even though I'd seen these:
The Hurt Locker 2012 The Stepfather The Mist The Box Inglorious Basterds (I didn't watch to the end, I didn't like it) |
Potato soup, you are my best friend.
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I still love the bee girl.
It sucks Shannon Hoon had to go die of a drug overdose. I liked his voice. I did manage to go to two concerts where Blind Melon was an opening act, and they had zero stage presence or energy - but maybe they were just run too ragged or maybe there were just too many drugs involved. I also liked his singing along with Axl Rose in the Don't Cry songs - the two of their voices together was a really unique thing. |
I have never ....in my tomboy post-baby butch years said "eww" about the following until today :......I fed mr. chirpy-cuz-im-fuckin-hungry-chirp a whole worm, ok?...big...nightcrawler....fat.This little...prick...swallows it whole...I'm watching it bulge and go down the GULLET, his chest kinda wiggles, I'm staring in horror-fascination-disgust and I spot in the corner of his mouth a tiny end of wiggly worm..he gulps...then barfs the worm....slimey...eats it...and smuggly gets cozy, in his typical "begone, i'm satisfied" pose, and pooped...a flor de labios It escapes.. "..ew" :mohawk:
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I would run in horror lmfao |
now that i'm done laughin like a hyena...
no not quite... if he did i think i'd run too.... after setting him free... :blink: talk about indigestion lmfao |
oh i see now so he jsut pooped after he ate the gynormous worm lol it didnt have anything to do with the one that just went down the gullet hahaha hmy bad lololol
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*whispers* Ive been goin around strapped for the past 2 day.....
and I like it :cheesy: |
Debating whether I will venture out tonight for Pride festivities or lay low at home.
I worry I am losing my "Pride" excitement over the years :( |
thought i'd share
Butch sighting on 48 Hours.
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I'm sure you were relieved Rookstah.
I would have done more than smirked when they stormed off. I probably would have started clapping loudly so they would have glanced over. I hate inconsiderate idiots that feel entitled and mostly snarky bitches like that who want to start unnecessary shit. Good thing they didn't go in the water, I would have made it miserable for them after I did my Jaws routine. :shark::grindevil: Quote:
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Fireflies....in my yard...-grabs a jar- woohooo!!!!
============ A neighbor once asked "are u 2...LezzbeeUns?"...My girlfriend smiled and said yup.. His birthday came by, and we wanted to be extra-nice... We asked him what he wanted, and went to the Mens accesories shop @ Macy's.... She got all dolled up, I wore my tie and crisp dress shirt, after he blew the candles, he walked over, and she gave him the box... He opened it and we said "surprise!!" A lovely Rolex... His smile turned into doubtful hesitation and he said Him: "Umm?" Her: "What? You did say u wanted a watch" Him: "Naw, I wanna watch !" Me: "I know, but given the waste of time in having you watch, wouldn't u prefer A watch?..." |
The past day and a half has pretty much been nothing but one long, continuous fuck up for me.
I hope it's just a phase. :blink: |
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