So he treats your mother as bad as he does you?

I often wonder why my mother stayed with my father. The church I guess?

My mother died, but what you say makes complete sense and I grew up pretty similarly to you it sounds like. I am 46. S excited to meet you when you come to town.

I am sorry to hear about your mom...my mother died too...and we werent very close at all..as a matter of fact she is part of my PTSD...both of us girls...were far from her faviourite and she let us know on a daily basis...!!!! I hope you didnt have the same issues w your mom!!!

I agree Andrew...and I could say the same out my dad not standing up to my mom over us girls....I think both parents should do what is in their power to protect their children.....my mom was not kind at all to my father either...so he was beaten down w us girls...but he did nothing to stop it even when it was right in his face literally....I think sometimes...some parents just try to keep the peace and not make things worse for anyone...including themselves. Not that its right...just saying that is what i think

I really can understand the anger for moms not standing up for their kids.

What allows me to have any relationship with my mother, even though she did not protect me, is this: I dont think my mom saw that horror as abnormal. I think it was so normal to her, that even though on one hand, she knew it was aweful, for her it was also inevitable. I really think it was hard for her to relate to my dad because he was NOT horrible. For Mom, she kept waiting for the shoe to drop, and bad things start to happen. When it didnt, she began to unravel and be horrible just for things to feel on even keel for her messed up fragile psychotic brain to process as "safe". This will probably make no sense unless you have delt with people who have schitzophrenia and personality disorders like my momma does.

It is through this experience that I filter my anger through. In this context, I dont know what options my mom had. I really do believe that she did the best she could with the information she had at the time. I dont know if that might work for anyone else- I wish you healing and peace on your own journeys.

My sister and I talk about my mom ....my sister is 11 years older than myself...so she remembers mom when she was kinda nice...but we think she had some boarderline personality disorder...but who knows....she could flip like a pancake on sunday morning...omg...it could be a nightmare at times. I used to say that "my mom did the best with what she had." I also would say, "well she did us the way her mom did her." My grandmom was a bitch on wheels..she hated us too...and wasnt quiet about it....she love my cousins...adored them to pieces....to the point where if we were all down there for the summer together...she would feed my cousins first and IF....and i mean IF there was anything left...we could have it...we being my baby brother and myself (he's 18months younger) I dont know...maybe they both did the best they knew how....of course I am not so sure how that relates to the many times my GM almost killed me when i was a baby...and yet my mother kept taking me back there...go figure. I dont hate my mother anymore....she is dead...and that is that...sometimes...i miss a mom....my friends mothers seemed to always take me in as their own....my friends always saw her for what she was....i guess where my mom is concerned I will always feel dead inside. Perhaps its better that way.

Right now My father is in My life mostly because I live at home right now, and trying to get away from him in "his" house is next to impossible. Sometimes I've wanted to just tell him to f**k off and leave us all alone (My, My sister and My mom) but I just never seem to get the courage to do so :(

I think learning this at any age is a big step!!!!!

Alot of this sounds WAY too familiar, as My father can be the exact same way. He will say whatever he wants to, anytime that he wants to and will not hesitate to speak his mind even if he is a complete jackass about it. He is always right and everyone else is wrong (or braind dead); he will tell you exactly what he thinks of you even if he has only just met you and will judge you based on anything (religion, looks etc). He treats My mom and both us kids like we're pieces of dirt; he has called My poor sweet 12 yr old autistic sister fat, lazy, retarded etc, he is very condescending and is all about him ........... of course I could go on, but why? I think you all get the picture :runforhills:

It is very hard to break away from an abusive relationship when its all you've ever known. My mom has been with My father for 15 yrs and has talked so many times about leaving him but never has. She says its because of My sister and while I partly believe that its true, part of Me doesn't believe that and I just know that she'll never leave him no matter how abusive he is :(

I'm very lucky that My mom does stand up for My dad for herself as well as Me and My sister, but I also know that he is so good at cutting someone down that no matter how good you are at sticking up for yourself, he will knock you down everytime and I've seen My mom close to a heart attack and suicide because of his actions!!

My mom used to always keep the peace, until one say she just stood upto him and continues to do so to this day .......... she's pretty cool :)

I'm very sorry to hear about all that your mom has had to endure in her lifetime ~ I hope that things will improve for her :)

She died when I was 13. I still miss her and in therapy we are working on trauma around her death right now. Yesterday I was so nauseated and heachy, we had to stop therapy. She was my angel, though If she would have left my father she would likely still be here now at 83.

I wonder about that too. So sorry this happened to you Andrew.

I am so glad you had them all to support you and help you.

I am just so glad we have all made it this far. It is a miracle really.

I absolutely agree, and this makes Me think of a saying in My cross-stitch book that I think applies to all of us in the support and love and encouragement that we get from one another ......... it goes like this:

"That you and I could live our lives at the same time on earth, how incredible God's plan" :stillheart:

I think that is perfect!

I know this song is about loss in a romantic relationship, and that is not where my PTSD comes from at all....but this song has been on my mind all week.

Elton John
I'm Still Standing

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid

I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

I find that I sing this song for many reasons throughout my life...it has kept me going at times...and has given me the courage to keep going when i just wanted to end it all....

That is a great one Braedon!

For those of you who listen to music to calm down, what do you like?

For me, it depends on mood, but for deep relaxation I like Kitaro best.

When I am depressed, Elton always helps.

Duke Ellington, Count Basie always put a smile on my face.

I will find myself at my desk, listening to music from the Great Depression...or Requiems and I know its time to put on Big Band. :)

My mom and dad began dating in 1977 and were on again/of again until she got pregnant with Me in 1979 (I was born in 1980). That song by Gloria is the one that My Nan got My mom to listen to way back then to get over their break-up, which at the time was a pretty bad one (then they got back together in 1993 and have been married since 1995) so its very special to Me :)

Alot of My music depends on My mood, but lately I've been on this big 80's kick finding and watching videos on YouTube from when I was a kid ......... its been so wonderful having these little flashbacks to a simpler time before becoming an adult and having to deal with stuff that one has to deal with as they get older. I'm listening to a song that takes Me back a long ways, one that I love singing along to sometimes and since we're on the subject of music I am enjoying sharing some with you :)

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kisFOIeT8SA"]YouTube- Klymaxx - I Miss You[/ame]

I'm a music collector, I have 80 years of music, Big band, swing and jazz being most of it. Music is everything. And much of the time, has got me through many hours.

The nice messages in this post are bigger than a barn...and that's a pretty big deal... *tippin' my hat as always*

Thanks for posting this. It caught my attention right away. I know a lot about PTSD...not bragging that is for sure because I wish I didn't know as much as I do. I think it is highly misunderstood and possibly not treated properly. It often leaves the people that suffer with PTSD symptoms feeling isolated and alone because of the lack of understanding....just think of the people returning home from war...vietnam. There are a lot of different ways a person can experience trauma, but the symptoms of PTSD are all the same...the flashbacks and visualizations that occur are just of whatever experiences each individual had that caused the severe trauma.

OMG yes...i used to have friends who thought it was funny to see me jump when the phone rang or someone knocked on the door..or they would pretend to hit me....and watch me jump and raise my arms to defend myself..it was a big game to them...but to me it was normal...it was all i knew. I thought that everyone had that reaction to noises or fast reactions. Then when i was in the psychologists office getting tested for learning disorders...his phone rang and he noticed my reaction...that is when i was diagnosed w PTSD. That was over 20 years ago, and nothing has changed...well except i dont have those same friends anymore...:bow:

Thanks for the funny moment Shug lol

I remember an ex of Mine from like 6 yrs back had a little dog named Bear, and when he was in heat he would get on top of his rolled up brown blanket and hump he hell out of it lol it was disturbing sometimes but others it as funny as hell :lol2:

With limited funds right now, I'm not able to expand My music collection as much as I would like to but I'm glad there are sites out there like YouTube where I can find old videos and favorite songs from the past :)

I also have used music to get Me through some of the harder times in My life, and its done wonders for Me ........ thank goodness for music :thumbsup:

Good post Jason, thanks for including it :)

Music Soothes
 

Muddy Waters can always bring a happy haze over my brain if the panic attack isn't too severe. It will Block out whatever thoughts are there and bring me back down heart rate and breathing too. I dont really hear the lyrics as words or think of the blues as depressing. It is something beyond that, it's my association with it and how his music is so tied to a Huge positive thing to me personally.

There are other artists and other genres that can do the same thing for me, so it's not just "the blues" making me feel happy in general as is usual. I think music therapy is a miracle all by itself. Finding the songs that work for you is the hardest part. Association was what I think helped me, I associate certain songs with memories or moods. Then Make the mixed cd's and keep them around to try, dont expect it to work every time... just throw it in there with the other things you already do to combat the ptsd symptoms you have.

I just rented yoga dvd's that are for beginners (or "out of shape") to use without doing the complete yoga thing. Relaxation techniques and breathing and stretches that reduce stress depression and related issues. One of them is candlelight yoga, cant wait to try em out. I got them under the guise of "for" my daughter since she is yoga newbie totally and uninterested since birth lol. But I confess I am really excited to participate in yoga structured exercises geared to help with both of our ptsd, not just as an exercise geared for fitness, and doing it together is another bonus. Just passin on the ideas...

Quick update on me:

My Dad started having heart trouble in the beginning of January and was in the hospital for a week. He was short of breath and weak. His heart was in atrial fibrolation (or however it is spelled lol). At that time the cardiologist told him he needed a new aortic valve. He had aortic stenosis, where the valve doesn't open wide enough to let all the blood flow like it should, and he got congestive heart failure as a result.

On Feb 9th he went in to have the open heart surgery. They replaced his valve with a cow valve (moooo). He had some complications after his surgery and was in the ICU for 10 days (bleeding out, tachycardia, etc). He finally was able to go home after 12 days in the hospital. We were told before the surgery that he would be in the hospital for 5-7 days, so it was very stressful when he didn't get to leave until quite a bit later.

Since he has been home, I have been his main caregiver during the days while my mom works. I feed him and help him walk and make sure he takes his medicines, things like that. He had some lingering complications at home, which are now getting ironed out, thankfully. He is going to be ok.

All of this put a lot of stress on me and I slipped back into having panic attacks, stuttering and stammering, tics, etc. When I get like that I just want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. That is why I haven't been posting for a while. Everything was overwhelming, worrying about my dad and all, so I shut everyone out like I usually do. :(

I am wishing you all well and glad we have this space to come together and talk about our struggles and victories. Hang in there everyone, and thanks for the support.

Drew

I dont know if this will help, but one of my dearest friends, who is a psychologist, said we have to feel the feelings when a memory arises. You can't be afraid to feel; fear of feeling or reliving keeps us imprisoned. My goal has been to move through the feelings and the memories. It's very difficult, but try not to be afraid to feel the event.

Music has gotten Me through some of the toughest of times, and I find that it helps to calm Me down when nothing else can. I can turn on the music, plug in My ear phones to turn it up as loud as I want, and just enjoy. I don't have mixed CD's but I thank goodness that I have YouTube, cuz I can find all of My current and most of My old fave songs and that helps combat being in a bad mood or feeling down :thumbsup:

(((((((((((Drew)))))))))))

Wow man, you've gone through alot over the last say two months. I remember back when My dad had a heart attack, and how much pressure it put on Me as well as My mom to take care of him once he got home (not to mention dealing with caring for My autistic sister). The thing that made it hard on us with him is that he was always demanding things to be done for him, expecting us to do things for him because of his "heart problem". He had been through alot no doubt, but he milked it for all it was worth and that put a huge strain on us because we had to deal with that day in and day out.

I'm glad that he is going to be okay, and that your helping to take care of him while he recovers. I really do hope that things improve for you, and that you get to feeling emotionally better very soon ........ I know it's been alot for you to deal with, but I know that ultimately you will come out of this strong and capable of facing anything you have to :)

The stress can seriously weigh down on others, and can take away time from the caregiver because they have to give it all to the patient. Its a big deal and can take alot out of all parties involved, but thats what you do when something happens to someone you love ~ you help out as best as you can :)

Always good to see you Jet, and I hope that things with you will be well as time goes on ~ your an inspiration to Me, for working just to get past all that you've been through and still being true to yourself :)

Wow Gemme, I'm amazed at how much that one quote hits home hard for Me. I could sit here for hours talking about how much that quote describes My entire life, but I wouldn't wanna get into all that. Thank you for sharing that with us hun, I will have to write this one down!!!!

Andrew,

Sometimes I wonder if we were brothers meant to meet after being separated before birth (hell, even before conception). I can't eve begin to say how much, in many ways, your life mimicks Mine and how things with My father are this exact same way. My whole problem right now is that I live at home with him, so there is no getting away from his condescending attitude and accusatory glances. He has no problem with telling Me whats wrong with Me, or what I don't do and how I'm a lazy ass and won't amount to anything worthwhile. My father will also throw into My face anything that he can, even if its nothing at all if its something that cane make him feel like a big man he will not hesitate to open his lips and start flapping them.

All of the years that he has spent abusing Me emotionally and verbally, I have lost so much of My life because of feeling worthless and not good enough for anyone or anything. I haven't been able to keep a job or a decent relationship for very long, I dropped out of school before finishing (but I did get My GED in 2006), I don't have a degree or any post secondary schooling, I still live at home because I have a problem being alone etc. There are so many things that his abuse has screwed up, so many times that I've wondered if I'll ever be able to have a life and separate Myself from the picture of Myself that he's painted of Me thats so engrained into My head its like thats who I am.

I'm not used to opening up like this at all, not to anyone be it online or in person so while I'm not used to being this honest with people I think its good to get things off of My chest. I'm glad that I have a space where I can come and be with others like Me, where I can be an open book and not be judged ~ I have a little family here, and I love it :)

I hope everyone had a good weekend!


My therapist also says you have to allow yourself to have the memories, pain and anger and process them and see where they take you.

I have shut away so many memories over the years and am having to deal with them now. In a way, it's good beacsue I know I survived what all happened, but it would be nice to be well and not have all this hellish pain to process.

Bottom line is we are alive and today is a new day! :)

It is a big move. I totally relate to where you're coming from. I had to let my family catch up with where I was coming from. IT took many years. But my motivation was definitely to break he cycle for my kids and nieces and nephews. I can see that healing in their children. So even though I still ride the waves of dysfunction I feel like I was able to do some good for my family. Blessings to you.