This, this, and this but mostly getting my knee joint replaced. I have an appointment with the surgeon in a couple weeks. I passed the stress test, though I may still need another cardio approval, and I think all my ducks (insurance, co-pay, after-surgery care, etc) in a row. Am looking forward to being on the other side of this.

:bow:

Calculating the precise amounts of Benadryl, dextromethorphan, guaifenisin, codeine and Jim Beam that will keep me from coughing and dry out my lungs without making me hallucinate. This is an everchanging calculation that shifts throughout the day and night depending on how I feel.

Why don't I just follow the instructions? Nah, that never works.

Will you-know-who and all his co-conspirators get the comeuppance they fully deserve, and will it include wearing prison garb??? Will DOJ actually carry out justice on behalf of The People??


<<<<<<~~~ fingers crossed. :vigil: x4cazillionwishescometrue :|

Thoughts on suicide and mental illness, another coming out story
 

I hope this is not out of place in this thread.

Content note: discussion of suicide and mental illness. Protect your well-being as needed.

This is really long, but it's important, so please read it if you are able.

So I found out that a performer I've really loved, Stephen “tWitch” Boss, died by suicide this morning. It really hit me hard for a couple of different reasons. First, his joy was infectious. Watching anything he did just made me smile every single time. He was brilliant, talented, and seemed so kind. His death is a loss for a lot of people. (Yes, depressed people can both have infectious joy and still have depression. Depression is an illness, not just a feeling.)

The second reason it hit home is how he died. I have struggled with suicidal ideation since I was a child. I don't usually talk about this because there is so much stigma about mental illness, but I live my life out loud about pretty much everything else, so it's time to talk about this, too.

There are a few different reasons I'm still here. The first is that I have an amazing community of love and support. I've had friends who have shown up for me in a myriad of ways. You may not even know that you've done something that has helped me in any way, but chances are you have. Friends and a great spouse aren't enough, though. They can listen, but they aren't qualified to make a treatment plan or help me adhere to it.

The other reason I'm still here is because I am privileged enough to have access to excellent mental health care. I have a therapist who works with me every week. I see a psychiatric nurse who helps me with medication, and I'm working with a naturopath to make sure I'm looking at all possible causes and treatments. Depression is not just a made-up thing that can be fixed by doing a yoga, eating more kale, or walking in a forest. All of those are great and important in a balanced life, but they are not enough. We wouldn't tell a type 1 diabetic to think themselves into producing insulin. Likewise, people with clinical depression can't think ourselves into healing the imbalances in our bodies. We need help. There are many avenues to getting that help, and this is not a statement on the validity of any of them. I just know what has helped me so far.

There is no shame in asking for that help. No shame in needing it in the first place. The real shame is that not everyone has financial access to the kind of care I have, and even for some people who need it and can afford it, they don't know that they can ask for it. The thing about depression is that it's a big fucking liar. It can convince the depressed person of all kinds of things that aren't true, like we're worthless, or a burden, or nobody will miss us. Those voices can be way louder than any of our loved ones telling us anything else, and sometimes those voices win and the rest of the world bears that loss.

I guess all of this is to say, if your brain is telling you lies about how you don't matter, and you shouldn't be here, reach out to me. Let's find a way to get you some care. You matter. So do I.

Also, here's an article from NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) that can give some insight into this issue. If you've got it to spare, throw them a donation. They do important work. https://nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/Dec...cidal-Ideation

It's the 18th of December and I have not watched one single, solitary Christmas movie yet this year. At some point, I will make time for the following:

• The Nightmare Before Christmas
• It's a Wonderful Life
• Auntie Mame

although I may take until New Year's to do so. No, what I'm talking about is a good old-fashioned Hallmark Channel movie. A rom com. Something that gives me all the good feels about Christmas.

Any suggestions?

Celebrating Christmas. Not wanting to do it. Thinking about how to bow out gracefully. Fantasizing about faking illness, pretend coming down with some nonexistent croup but knowing I won't. Bah! Humbug!

Auntie Mame is my FAVORITE!!!

Here are some you may like, though not all will be found on the Hallmark Channel:

• The Preacher's Wife with Denzel and Whitney and it's a remake of...
• The Bishop's Wife with Cary Grant and Loretta Young
• The Perfect Holiday with Morris Chestnut and Gabby Union
• While You Were Sleeping with Sandra Bullock and some great character actors
• The Apartment with Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine
• The Shop Around the Corner with Jimmy Stuart and Margaret Sullavan
• Holiday Rush with Romany Malco and Sonequa Martin-Green

On my mind:
Christmas falls on a Sunday this year and churches will be packed, COVID or not

Thanks Orema, Holiday Rush was the ticket! And it was conveniently on Netflix. I'm feeling more Christmasy already! It was a really cute movie, and Sonequa Martin-Green did not disappoint!

One of the main benefits of working in academia is that everything is closed the week between Christmas and New Year's. Unlike regular vacation days, when you know work is accumulating in your mailbox and on your desk while you're away, the winter break gives me time to actually relax my mind, knowing that no one is at work making more work for me.

Lent
 

Fat Tuesday and Lent are on my mind. Last year I gave up alcohol and never picked it up again. I keep saying I’ll get my favorite bottle of tequila come Easter, or my birthday, or Kwanzaa, now I’m thinking of getting a bottle after both knees are replaced or maybe I’ll wait for my 70th birthday next year. It’s a game I enjoy playing with myself. Well see what happens.

Am wondering what to sacrifice this year. Lent starts tomorrow and I think I’ll give up cussin’, but that’s a really hard one for me. Maybe I’ll give up the white lies. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll just give up nothing.

How Little Man (youngest gradson) is going to behave today. I'm watching him this morning and again in the afternoon while J keeps some appointments.

Boating on the river (boating fever) <3
 

I live 30 minutes away from East Palestine Ohio. If you watch the news, perhaps you’ve seen that we had a train derailment. Toxic chemicals were released into the air and into the water. Thousands of fish have died and yet they’re telling us that there’s nothing for us humans to worry about. Animals have died and many many more are sick. They evacuated the humans and then send them back home in less than a week saying that it was perfectly safe. But don’t drink the water yet! Oh, and by the way, this is how you should clean every surface in your house, and you probably should get rid of , anything in your dwelling that is porous like towels and couches… thankfully, I’m not too close. But I fear for those who are living there, continuing to work there, or pregnant near there, or going to school there, or farmers, with livestock and fields, etc. not enough information is being released to the public, and they’re very hush-hush about it around here. If you don’t know about it, Google East Palestine, Ohio and look at the damn cloud. It’s still there! Yep, that’s what’s on my mind.

The way I understand it many living there were already having a tough time financially as it was and now this? It's easy enough to say oh though it's not all that dangerous just in case anything porous in the home that can't easily be cleaned you might want to pitch that but how many of us no matter what our income level could actually afford to do this. Okay that's bad but even worse whether rich or poor or somewhere in between what about everyone's health? I'm thankful no one in our family or anyone we know is going through it but truth is just because we're safe now it doesn't mean this or something similar couldn't happen to any one of us at any time. I wish I had better faith in insurers, our government, corporations but I just don't. What it all comes down to is (to hell with animals, the environment, the people living there, not even the elderly or children) $$$. It's sickening.