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No posts here since FEB 2011? Either we do not have many in this type of relationship on BFP, or, they would rather have their nails pulled out than admit it openly *grins*. Be that as it may, I myself have been absent from BFP for a long while, and on that note, returning, I shall post here for my first 'return' post.
I agree with Isadora ... it has been around for ages. Not all 'Femme led' dynamics are D/s or BDSM, and of course, at the same time, not all 'Femme led' dynamics that hold components of D/s or BDSM, are 'Femme led' outside of such parameters. That is the beauty of all relationships, the uniqueness. In my case, all components are usually present, but much also depends on my willingness to engage. I have no personal issues frolicking within the fold of 'vanilla' as da Boss where no D/s or BDSM takes place, nor do I go screaming into the night in frustration when I cannot beat some flesh or have my toes sucked in the shadowy flickers of candlelight. I do have issues if I am not da Boss though *laughs* I love being the Head of the Household (for the lack of a better term), may it be within, or outside the lines of D/s (or BDSM). It carries with it the responsibilities, of course, but more so than anything, its openly empowering on so many levels. Ah yes, dressed in pantyhose, a dark suit where the skirt stops just above the knees, pencil kind, the blouse almost sheer, hinting, but not showing; stilettos that make you afraid you will step on your boobage at age 60 if you do not wear a bra now; hair piled up, loosely cascading, inviting yet with a 'hands off' sign invisibly attached; small half mooned glasses perched at the end of the nose, looking over them at some unsuspecting Butch ... and not saying a word. Perhaps leaning against the doorway of a car repair shop, or standing casually in a boardroom setting, or waking up to sunlight streaming through my window and the smell of coffee assaulting my nostrils ... waiting, and knowing. Oh the endless possibilities in a Femme led world!!!! Angelika |
I'm reading and watching. I'm in this type of relationship right now. We always had this type of dynamic even as friends. There is no struggle and it's very peaceful having the parameters defined. My BDSM days are over... not saying I'm not kinky, just not into the lifestyle or serious SM play but enjoy a natural femdom dynamic. I honestly think it's part of who I am. It's both sexual and spiritual for me.
I am a natural born alpha femme and although I can exist in an intelligent BF relationship, I flourish when I lead and the other appreciates that. More later |
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I've stepped into several dynamics and lived many lives just in this lifetime. Although I sexually open-minded and experienced in all level of physical and mental types of play- bdsm, role-play, sm, I honestly never really placed myself totally into the bdsm lifestyle, per se. They were elements of it I found exciting but it was the exchange of power, the mental dynamics of "feminine power exchange" that kept me interested. Even when I started dating in the BF community I found myself drawn to those who accepted my natural dominance and was ok with me maintaining general control over our day to day. I am a strong woman who wakes up calculating my every move and use to making decisions and taking most of responsibility. Normally I am also the one that earns the most income and feel more comfortable making most of the decisions for our home. The only time I don't need to be in control if the bedroom. This is not to say I can't swing into almost any direction. I can, but now I am finding that I don't need the kinky games as much as I did when I was younger. It's more about the day to day dynamic and when it comes to intimacy I want it to be soft, bonding and comfortable for both of us. If my partner needs something I am happy to give it to them no matter what it is but my needs are fairly simple when it comes to having an orgasm. But you're right... we all travel across that polarity. My base energy may be one way but I swing in different directions based on my needs at the moment. Perhaps this is what makes relationships so difficult? The expectation and counting on someone to always be the same rather then being able to ride and shift with them? Perhaps there is a special chemistry that allows us to accept each other no matter what the moment unfolds. I have always been and will always be a natural alpha femme. Although you can attempt to keep me somewhat bridled it would be a shame to do this. My passions and creativity lie in my natural dominance. If you learn to feed it, seduce it you unleash the most amazing woman. This I have learn and shall not forget. There is a huge misconception that a masculine butch can not be with an alpha femme. The truth is that the strongest people I know prefer allowing someone else to be in control. Not because they can't step up to it but prefer not to. They don't really give a shit what people think and they know who they are. A warrior fights for his Queen and subjugates himself because he adores her not because he is weak or emasculated. Reading your post made me think a lot about the past and this has all been very reflective. There were quite a few gay men I had femdom interaction with. It was funny walking into a gay leather bar and seeing a select few groveling around me as if I was royalty. They needed this exchange as much as I did. We all need to really tune into our frequencies rather then allowing our heads to force round pegs into square holes. |
Today I was talking to an ex. This is a very masculine butch alpha type person. We talk every few months and have kept a great friendship going. This person is not submission, by no means but....
After posting in this thread I asked hym today if hy felt I was too dominant or too aggressive and if that was ever a power struggle for hym. We ended things mainly because hy had serious control issues and this constantly became an issue. Hy wanted to always be with me, plan what we did, etc etc and I needed a lot of space. I just don't require being around another human all the time. Hy wanted that perfect little world with wife, kids and white picket fence. That's just not me. but.... hy said that although I was very strong I was the first woman to really seduce hym as a femme. That hy always felt strong and masculine. I was sexually aggressive to a point. I knew what I wanted and how I wanted it. I called it "daddy duty". So even on my back I was in control. Hy said that looking back it was all extremely hot and that today it has shaped hys thinking and hy looks for strong feminine women. Still hy won't let go of the control issue and for us it's like oil and water. I could deal with an alpha type person as long as they weren't that way towards me. I think this is why I'm more drawn to the daddy types because I enjoy a strong partner but I'm like the spoiled little brat girl that always gets her way. I prefer to lead as well. |
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I am in a femdom relationship with someone who is slowly transition MtF. It took me a long time to get over myself and deal with the boundaries I established for myself as a lesbian femme in order for me to accept this lovely relationship. Because he (and yes he still uses the H word) was born male and I am lesbian, people have been quite snotty regarding us. (not here) I have to argue my right to call myself a lesbian. These people mainly piss me off because they want our relationship to be pigeon holed under homophobic and transphobic conditions.
I found so much strength beating down my self inflicted barriers and claiming my right to be who I am. I LOVE packing. I LOVE B&D and have even started getting much more experienced in S&M as well. Physically I was waylaid for a time, but its amazing how creative one can get when one is hungry for power exchanges and all that goes with it. my gurl has the additional stigma of being caught betwixt and between and having his identity and role questioned. He knows he is betwixt and between and thus, is his reason for keeping the H pronoun. I have never met a more honest and real person in my life. I have had people call me closeted for being in this relationship. Really? How is this any different than all the other twists and turns of any other person in the LGBT family? I am a lesbian, involved with someone who is transitioning to becoming who he is, a female bodied person. Until then, we accept his male body that serves his femaleness. How is that hard to understand? If you can turn on a light switch, you can turn on your mind to accept this too. Calling me closeted was foundationally transphobic. And I wont accept it... I have tried to be a submissive femme because thats what I thought would make me happy. It didnt. Once I became real and honest, I came out of my own closet and accepted the FemDom in me. I have never been happier... I am a FemDom. I am no longer struggling with my own power struggles now that I have accepted who I am and have begun living in this life. |
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Congrats! its an awesome journey and one you deserve. |
Additionally Softness I'd like to say....(was in a hurry before but feel this is important)
I happen to not only know quite a bit about female domination but MTF within all of its aspects- crossdressing, sissy, TS, full transitions. Men turn to dominant women because they feel trapped by their desires or confused about how they feel. They turn to a dominant mistress to guide them, relinquishing control in order to learn to love the feminine way. Of course many men don't see quite like that but its true. Sex is a very high frequency/vibration. Many men confuse love and sex because of it. In fact many sexual fetishes are much deeper issues or needs that are expressed sexually- masturbation and fantasy, because they just can't figure out the connection between spiritual and sexual. I'm not saying men are stupid, by no means, just that they suffer from the same thing we all do- a society that has taught us shame and taboos. The divine feminine is an essence present in everything we do. Much like yin and yang, we need this to find balance. You've heard the saying "feminine side"? This is a much deeper matter then most realize, at least in my opinion. It's a wonderful thing to teach love and thats exactly what a well established mistress really does. She shapes and molds his desires to help him be the best human he can be and THEN he is that for her. She is artful at seduction and calculates her strategy even if it means reflecting his fears and constructive forms of manipulation. The privilege of power requires great responsibly and although many can attempt it only a select few ever really become masterful. IMO a great mistress/goddess has a spiritual foundation. She must travel through so many spaces- light and dark, so ego must be in check and intentions for the good of all. Otherwise you have unbridled power that can harm everything in its path. I've been queer all my life. I've had many males slaves and although I don't enjoy fucking them or having partner relationships with them I still loved and nurtured them. I'm just drawn to a feminine essence deep within and then sexually attracted to a masculine form. I have only been able to find this in butch women and transgendered 3rd sex humans. In fact many moons ago I met a boy who was born with a cock but every fiber of his being was feminine. He was submissive and one of the most amazing humans Ive ever met. This past little fling of mine was with a submissive ftm who has the tools to become everything he ever wanted but is trapped in depression. He constantly struggles with who he wants to be rather then who he really is. Unfortunately this is pretty common. As a Domina they are drawn to us because they need "permission" and to void the responsibility even if its really what they desire. Does that make sense? I keep stepping in and out of the femdom world mainly because it just doesn;t encompass everything I need. BDSM and sexual alternatives is not my main motivation. This is not to say that I can't get kinky- I'm just seeking more of a dynamic then a "thing". The femdom/female led/feminine authority dynamic just works for me and somehow I need to just find the right balance. It's very hard to find the right submissive butch who isn't struggling with hys identity and is not only ok with a woman being in control but needs it just as much as I do. But if it is any constellation you might feel relieved to know that the BDSM community doesn't get caught up in gender. It's easy to find community and acceptance there. "Wise men still seek Her!" |
there is alot I wish to comment on but am getting ready to go on a mini vacation with my niece and her two boys. I will not be able to attend to this until at least Tuesday, but maybe later. I will get back to it and i appreciate your response, Sachita. Some I nod affirmatively to and some, not but I value your belief. When I get back, lets do more of this ....
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Softness I was thinking about you, about all this and wondered how your femdom relationship was going. I hope you're having fun being treated like a Goddess.
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Bumping this thread because the discussion is powerful. I believe it was Dreadgeek who started a thread about how to move forward as a community. I think having these types of discussions is one way. So I hope it continues.
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If you have questions or comments, why not enhance the discussion? |
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I often wonder why butch/trans bottoms are viewed as less than by people? Why is surrendering to a woman so hard to swallow? Yet when girl does to anyone masculine or male id'd or aesthetically looks masculine it's a treasure..
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I've been thinking a lot about this subject. More questions have come to mind than answers. And I have been on a journey of self discovery as of late. Hence, the slowness to post in this thread. I like to think things through before speaking.
One question that I have is why it is that when it comes to discussing Femme led relationships the discussion can't stay on that topic. Why is it that BDSM, D/S, M/S, what the butch/trans needs, etc. always seems to be pushed to the top? It's like we just can't handle a Femme being in charge. The conversations gets clouded with a bunch of noise, kind of like when there is a discussion about a woman being president or a woman of color being on the Supreme Court. We can't talk about her qualities, and accomplishments. It seems the same here. This isn't the first thread dealing with this topic but the results are frequently the same. We say we love femmes. We adore them. And yet, we can't stay focused when comes to her being the one that the butch/transman follows. Even in 2011, most conversations still spin around the butch/transman being in charge and the sweet, delicate femme being led and protected by them. Please! The Femme-Butch dance is just as powerful and beautiful as the Butch-Femme dance. Why does it have to fit inside someone's blasted box? The older I get the more I hate boxes and labels. And I'm old (115)! lol We resent, scream and are ready to challenge anyone when forced by the straight world to conform to a particular box and label. Yet we're quick to judge, insult, disrespect those who don't neatly conform to the boxes that some group defined within the LGBT world. Not all femmes can be in charge inside of the relationship. Why? Because some femmes are followers. They need to follow. That makes them happy. But the reverse is also true. Not all femmes can be followers. Why? Because they are natural born leaders. They must be in charge. Following for too long will make them nuts with a few of my friends, grouchy. You can't have two heads. Someone has to lead and someone has to follow. Otherwise there is no dance no matter what kind of relationship you're talking about. I know, I know. There is sharing within a relationship. Decisions are made together. But even then, someone is leading the discussion. I think somewhere along the line whether consciously or unconsciously oppressed people bring some of the hetero foolishness into their relationships. And I think we as a community at times still think that the butch/transman has to be like the caveman who drags the woman by the hair into the cave, must be the provider, blah, blah, blah. Now I know some will say this is not true. But isn't it? Think about how Femmes are portrayed. I say this based on things that I read these days and conversations I hear. Why can't the Femme be the one dragging the butch/transman by the hair, calling the shots, and being the boss? Well she couldn't drag me by the hair because I have no hair. But I digress. Those who think that a butch/transman is less than because they are able to let a Femme lead in my opinion have bought into the lie that the male/masculine energy (whatever form) must be in charge. In the straight world a man is not a real man if people see that he lets the woman wear the proverbial pants. And yet most honest men will admit the wife is the boss. She calls the shots. And more often than not I hear butches and transmen admitting that their wife, girlfriend, lady friend or whatever descriptor they use runs the show. So what's the problem. We still haven't let go of the traditional mentality - male means being first and in charge. A Femme led relationship in my opinion is not about being a top, bottom or flipping. I've always despised the term flipping. I am not a pancake for crying out loud! Ok, back to the subject. It 's about how people are wired. And doing what it takes to dance with joy. I am attracted to and need a strong, brilliant, sexy Femme for many reasons. And understanding that, I also know that if she has the qualities I am looking for she will be in charge. That's part of the dance between she and I. That will not take away from who I am, what I bring to the table, and what I need while at the table. I know this will put me in a less than position in the minds of some. And quite frankly I don't give a flying ****. Ahem! I'm back. I am a complicated transman. I am strong person. I am a Daddy. I am a boy. I am a leader. And I have no problem with a Femme calling the shots. There are, however, things that need to be in place in order for me to relax and follow her lead. I will not go into them here since I am not the subject of this thread. I have to say this was not always my position. But growing spiritually and just plain growing up has helped me shed a lot of layers and a lot of junk that has kept me from being who I wish to be and enjoying what I wish to enjoy. Thank you Weatherboi for starting this thread. You have played a part in my journey. So thank you my brother! |
Yes! Yes! Yes June!
This is exactly what I mean. Thank you! |
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when people talk about exchange of power I wonder if they realize the full extent of it or how complex it can become. Wanton boi is very comfortable being submissive, even turned on by it but I also reinforce and nurture that. Although hy is the one fetching things, cleaning, waiting on my hand and foot, I often show hym my appreciation. I am providing a wonderful home, good healthy food and an environment for hym to grow. There's a big price to be with me but I also offer a lot. Hy will tell you that hy feels safe, loved and cherished. Even as friends I give this to hym. Maybe its just my perception but I don't see butch needs being a priority. Feminine energy trumps masculine in my world. A seductive and willful femme knows exactly how to get what she wants. She doesn't need to do this with force. Women are in control in so many ways even if she's on her knees. It's a fact. GT I do know what your saying and it may appear that way but I also know, having been in BF culture many many moons, that plenty of femmes rule the roost so to speak. In fact I think femme relationships are pretty common. As an spiritually evolved woman I have many aspects to me. This includes a sexually passive slut, goddess bitch diva, little girl, brat, seductress, mommy and more. They can surface at any time and demand their space. I allow them to express themselves and nurture my relationships to enjoy them. I don't need to be Mistress/Goddess/alpha all the time, although it does encompass the base essence of me and always present to some degree. |
also Wanton boi says that I have a lot of masculine energy rolled into my femme persona. Even at my most passive this is present.
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I'm sorry if I'm not wording things well. I can feel the question in my head but it's just not coming to fruition the way I'd like. I have no issues with masculine energy. Celebrate it, even. But isn't the point of this thread....or at least one of them....to concentrate on the feminine energy in the relationship? Can't feminine energy be aggressive and/or strong without being masculine? If not, then we're right back at the start, saying masculine/male is the only/right way and that feminine/female/femme is secondary. Am I making sense? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? |
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