I understand why it would appear that international is much more daunting but, practically, I'm not certain that is always the case - at least, not where both parties live in major transport hubs. Just my perspective on this .......


I speak as someone who did the whole LDR-thing internationally for some years and, whilst the relationship ended, it wasn't due to distance issues. Note that, at the peak, we made 9 transatlantic trips in a single year (I traveled to California 6 times and she visited the UK on 3 occasions).


I live in London so can be in large US metropolitan hubs on the east coast in 7 hours and the west coast in 11 hours. Also, if you manage the time difference effectively, you maximise the time too.


For example, my ex-partner lives in San Diego and I live in London. San Diego is, geographically, just about the furthest part of mainland USA to London. However, given the 8 hour time difference, whenever I traveled to San Diego, I was able to spend half a day in the office, catch a flight to San Diego at 3pm and arrive into San Diego shortly after 6pm. On the way back, I'd fly at 8pm, sleeping on the plane, arriving into London early the following afternoon having slept on the plane.


So the traveling didn't eat into time too much. In fact, the traveling appears to be quicker and less tiring than some of the long (by European standards) car journeys that many people in the US regularly take. Take the Reunion for example. Little Rock is more difficult for me to get to than larger US cities as there are, understandably, no direct flights from London but I am still able to get there inside ten hours or so ...... a shorter time than many who made the trip from much closer parts of the US by road.


Also, the time for travel and cost of international airfares is often not much more than cross-country time and fares. For example, I am meeting my friend from San Diego in NYC in May. We decided to meet in NYC because it's almost a halfway point between San Diego and London. I think her flight to NYC takes six hours and my flight takes 7 hours. Also her return flight was around $600, not much less than my own fare.


Of course, there are some added complications in an international LDR which arrive if and when both parties want to take the relationship to the "next" level i.e. transforming the relationship from long distance to a physically closer one, whether living together or not.


However, usually, these challenges can be overcome and if you've got to that stage (that's a big if !), then it's hopefully something worth persevering for.


From my perspective, I cannot give advice on LDRs and any advice I would give would, based on my relationship failures, probably not be worth following anyway. All I'd say is keep it grounded and real - as I think some people who can be attracted to LDRs can be blinded by fantasy and overlook reality. But I'd say the same for relationships closer to home too.

You are lucky there, living in a hub - Bogota is not that far, but it takes me 12+ hours to travel between, most of which is layover. If I lived in Atlanta, however, it would only be a 5 hour flight.

I'm going for a visit next week to visit my LDR other and these are my meandering thoughts:

*I love the racing heart of excited anticipation as I am carried down the escalator in the LAX airport to my g/f standing at the bottom waiting for me. I always stop at the top of the escalator and hold the moment, to savor it, before I get on and go down to greet her.

*After 3.5 years of LD, I am finally feeling melded with her and the life we will have once I move. For a long time, it was more of a fantasy, not grounded and not fully comprehensible. At this point, it *almost* feels like going home.

*I can already tell, this will be a hard visit to end. They are always hard to end, to board that plane and leave her behind. But, this one will be especially hard.

*Why did I purchase black luggage? Everyone else also purchased black luggage. Another search mission ensues trying to decipher my bag from the other 150 black bags.

*I hope my cat is okay while I am gone. He is getting older now and I worry about him. :cat:

*Hoping to get the hilarious steward on my flight out on Southwest. He's such a cutie bug and so funny.


:flying:

I totally agree with you on this...and i speak for personal experience too as my ex live in SF and be 8 hrs in front was working just fine.....and to add...the long distance was NOT the problem that we break up.....
thank u Ciaran for this post....:)

Thank you for the tip!

It is like that, isn't it? The time thing. You wait as days drag on until the visit, then the visit time flies by until it's gone like a flash. *sigh

We have a long distance friendship going on.It is nice and comfortable.The phone calls are great and skyping can get intresting.Texts are random throughout the day. We talk about alot of stuff and i dont have anymore secrets.Some days are kinda hard when one of us needs a real hug or a little peck on the cheek.We both miss the human touch.

I think I get what you are trying to say. Oddly, I'm terrible at being alone, but that is one of the reasons I think LD works for me. It forces me to be alone. It forces me to believe in myself and to have faith that a fight or those occasional patches of emotional distance won't be the end of the relationship. I tend to become whatever I think someone needs me to be, but when I'm not surrounded by their presence, I can't do that. I have to just be me and hope that he'll accept that.

The distance also forces me to move slowly and to be more cautious, something I have not done in the past. It allows me to evaluate a potential long-term partner from a distance, which is helpful. When someone is in front of me constantly, it's very easy to be blinded by the things I love about them and to ignore the things that should be big red flags. LD gives me long flights home to evaluate how I feel after each trip and reaffirm that (or question whether) I want to keep moving forward.

I know a couple who have lived like this, about a mile apart, for 14 years. It works very well for them. My friend Mel's parents also lived in separate houses for 20+ years until he died. It seems people can make almost any arrangement work if they love each other.

The part about not having secrets really sticks with me. I am so used to having carried so many secrets for so long that the burden was becoming unbearable. One of the hidden blessings of this LDR has been realizing that I can't keep holding on to those by myself, though I think at many times, my love may wish that I had! Through letting him in to see my vulnerabilities and flaws, I am learning more about myself and learning to deal with things that had been left unresolved for a long time.

For me, this is a really transformational time in my life, from many angles, and being in an LDR has allowed me the space to evolve both emotionally and intellectually on my own while simultaneously connecting with someone who is not intimidated by that.

The ingredients have to be good to begin with otherwise disaster eventually..I don't think you can know that right away. The truth does come out eventually but can you accept it and walk or do you keep trying to make it what you thought it should be if you are emotionally involved? I think it's such a personal dilemma that this isn't an easy yes or no of course not.

I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.

It very much depends on who is involved, I think.

I know many people for whom this is ideal, and I know some people for whom 24 hours is not enough time to be with each other. LOL

The rest of us fall somewhere in between.

That's where compatibility comes in. Your "togetherness needs" have to align, or one of you will have to make serious compromises and it won't work anyway. A "24 hours is not enough" might be madly in love with an "I Need Space", but that's going to be a major roadblock. Something to discuss way, way before you even get to the living together talking.