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:bowdown:HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!:bowdown:
to all those big beautiful sexy womyn that rock my world!!!!! :hendrix::drool::bellydancer::rockband::danceparty : lust ya lots!!!! Stoney |
Ok...perhaps this is another of millions of moments of insecurity and self persecution! So forgive me if this sounds like a pity party...but somehow I think all of you have had these same parties all of your lives, so I hope you understand my weakness at this moment.
Sometime, when you are talking to someone and things just seem to be perfect, perhapt too perfect, and you begin to get that little glimmer of hope....you know the one!! Ahhh and now it comes time for the picture exchange or the verbal request for a physical description, this is usually the part I tend to start looking at something online...just to cushion the blow you knonw distraction. Ahhh and time lingers like a heavy black cloud above you and you feel that overwhelming sense of failure yet once again. Then you get the all too used.."nice pic" followed by the "oh I didnt realize it was so late, I need to get to bed!" Your fears yet once more become another reality. Failure doesnt seem to express how you feel. You want to stand up and say..."well tough shit...their loss, not mine!" And you very well may, but deep down in side...hell not even deep down just slightly under the first layer...you are agonizing. Wondering, how can people say how wonderful I am....and yet be so undesirable. Beauty isnt about size, at least thats what we tell ourselves...in all of our support groups...but you know what...it is to the rest of the fucking world. (sorry for the poo poo mouth) So you start the process of collapsing back into yourself. Hiding even deeper than before. Determine that this time....i am not going down that path, of flirtations and mind games. Just realize the reality of it all and save yourself the agaony. You start trying to psych yourself out for a lifetime of tears and Tv dinners. Going places you dreamed of, yet no one there to share the memory with you. Actin silly and goofing off...but who will you tickle and play rough house with, no one! Finally getting used to imagining that your pillow had arms and a strong shoulder for you to cuddle up to and cry yourself to sleep everynight, for a lifetime left. Funny how those arms never seem to grow. Thank you for listening to me babble.!!!! Just gets so much to bare sometimes, and really no one to talk to...so thank you for this outlet. |
I read this post and I just have to comment.
first to you Princess, Yes I have felt that way, ,like for some reason i would not measure up in the real world. I used to talk and flirt and the minute they started talking to me in any personal way or requesting pics I would just accidently ""on purpose" get booted.so yes darlin, I have felt like that. But....... I have to say many people feel like that cause of their nose, or their crooked ear, or large scar somewhere, we all feel inadequate in some way. Usually people that are hot and know they are hot, and feel they are perfect in everywa (on the outside ) dont have any personality cause they think their beauty is enough, are self centered and that is because they fell they have no challenge and usually are intelectually and spiritually dumb as all shit.I dont know but I would rather be with homeliest person in the world, if they could hold an intelligent conversation, than some person who most would consider a "10". I made my self a promise several years ago that I would never again " lower my intelligence" to comprimise in a relationship, that weeded a bunch out right there. Plus It helped me feel much more confident in choosing my friends. The next thing I did was be me, Big as I was , unhealthy as I was, excetera. that weeded out a bunch more, I started being more honest about my oppinions and when I spoke them even to those I knew it might offend, it impowered me. well... I want to say oh yeah ... then I met all these amazing people after that, all my best friends and lovers.... no I did not. infact I lost many people , I later realized these people never really knew or " respected the real me. yeah, i was lonely, for a while. but you know what? I was lonely before because it wasnt a real relationship because I wasnt being a real person. and neither were they. Princess I have seen your picture, to me you are absolutely gorgeous, you have the cutest curls and the prettiest smile, but you are also very intelligent, funny and somone I would like to become friends with. It really is never worth feeling like a person has to make some sort of sacrifice to be with you, like "they are usually not with a big girl " or feeling you have to apologize of the way you look how much you weigh, or anything at all, really. Those fools that all of a sudden hang up or back off after seeing your picture didnt care enough about your "mind " to stick it out. " fuck those kind of people!" what they think of you is only for their own selfish reasons. I Say scream it, " Im proud, Im beautiful, Im interesting, Im fun, Im lovable, oh yeah and....Im fat, Mother F'r and I might get even fatter soooooooyou dont like it? Kick rocks then!!!!!!!! We are so much more than the " soul vehicle" we ride in........ (just for the record , this butch thinks your ride is mighty fine ) Dont let those Kind of idiots determine what you are worth,how you feel about your self, or put you in a category, create yourself and then set your own value. much peace, Stoney(f) Quote:
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And on the surface I do agree...but I think, my heart just have the fight left to keep getting knocked down again and again...especially over something which seems so insignificant and shallow... and you better becareful ppl are gonna think you like me or something LOL!! just teasing... |
I aint skeered............
(btw in case you havent noticed I truly dont give a damn what people think.....) peace, Stoney |
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Hello how was everyone's Hump Day :)
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Just wondering.......when will it be ok to say "thank you" when someone tells me I am pretty? Actually, I suppose the question is, when will I ever believe they are actually speaking the truth? Just a thought!
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What if???
What if???
What if the majority of the world was a size 14 and that was the norm. The is what was considered beautiful, graceful classic. Instead of advertisments for diet control food filled with unnatural chemicals and preservatives, we had ads filled with fresh and natural, healthy and not focused on weight loss. What if we enabled our workers to have a stress free work environment allowing more freedom to encoumpass family and mental/physical health. What if we didnt look at one another based upon size and looked at one another for who he/she is...human. What if???? suicide rates would mostly likely drop work productivity would mostly likely increase self esteem would definitly increase would crime change? over all ppl may be a larger size but they would be healther skinny doesnt mean healthy and fat doesnt mean unhealthy think about that...be healthy in the body you are in!!! and accept those around you for the place they are in...help them by being a mentor, an example. Just something to ponder over!! for all of you as well as myself. much love and peace! |
Good Morning Everyone :) Have a great Monday
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Ok this thread needs some bumping :) Happy Hump Day everyone :)
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Happy Thursday to all my beautiful friends.
Princess, I know what you are going through. It's a daily battle sometimes, other times it comes easy..being confident. I would say that MOST people, regaurdless of size, have these issues. Feeling beautiful is a personal war, sometimes we may just win the battle..but in the end we must win the war. It's sort of like the elusive "happy". No one can make you happy in this world. You can only live your life to the fullest, and do what gives you joy. Reject society's vision of beauty. Claim your own. Be beautiful on the inside..work on YOU from the inside...and beauty will flow like a river. much love, Irish |
mmmhhmmm...
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Thank you for your beautiful words..I know you are so very right. Yet even most recently like today....I was once again reminded of my unworthiness....because of my size...I hear all the time...wht a beautiful heart and soul I have...what a great wife i would make...what a great mother I would make....and that is followed by ...if only you were smaller.....For so many attraction and beauty runs skin deep....and if you are blessed to have someone who sees you differently....then what can I say...but.....that is one of the truest of blessings....I focus on other things now....not finding Mr right...but...more like what can I do to better help my community.....I dont feel I have any choices where this is concerned...but I thank you....and as I say..."a girl can dream"..dont mean it will come true.... |
I agree with you Princess. For me on the butch side of things I hear all the time I would make a wonderful husband if I was smaller. So many rude crude things. I have come to say fuck em. If you cant love me for ALL of me. The n I dont need that in my life. And Id rather be alone than have fake love. :)
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I've lost 130 lbs over the last 17 months. I did it for me and no one else. (Health reasons - trying to avoid Type II diabetes and that ugly pancreatic cancer that killed my mother.) Shelia loves me for me and not for the "packaging." And I love her for just her. If she wants to lose weight for herself and her health I will stand by her. If she doesn't, I will still love and stand by her. |
Does anyone watch Ruby on the Style network? She got a really great attitude about life and isn't afraid to talk about how people's reactions/perceptions affect her.
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