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i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*
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Except the butch of my dreams part :cheesy: |
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That's how it's going to be for me. The rug is over there somewhere~~~~~~》 |
Finding the right person at the wrong time but i think thats already happened.
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Fear that I have already risked all for love and won't be able to do it again.
After spending so much time being bold and brave for love and giving it my all and getting seriously burned and scarred in the process, and then finding the person who truly loves me and treats me better than anyone else ever has but staying in the safety of my cave. Not being brave at the right time for the right one. I'm usually very bold in all matters but the scars do indeed run very deep. |
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I am not "scarred" but broken in spirit! Those breaks do run very deep. It will be a while time before I open myself up again like the past ones.... |
I think I've already been through the big relationship fear and came out alive. Not unscathed, of course, but I'm able to live another day. Maybe even love another day, but that's not my priority or goal. I'm good with me.
I absolutely understand waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling. It's the shadow on the edge that dims every moment of happiness, like you have to work extra hard to hold that memory tight before it's gone. I have a tendency to give everything and that's not healthy for me. When I'm with someone, it's about us and the things I do work toward that but it's not always reciprocated or appreciated so I've swung back and forth on the pendulum either holding back too much for this person or giving too much and expecting too much from another. Love is not about rainbows and fairy wings; it's science. It's pheromones and algorithmic formulas and I've never been great at science. :blink: |
i just wanted to say..reading your comments has taught me some things about myself..there is truth here and much bravery..i truly appreciate you. thank you
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hooking up with a self-centered liar and all the behaviors that go along with that ... I used to be such a truster and believer ... I keep my distance "safe" now. I choose this because I enjoy my life so much better this way ... I would describe it as a type of calm happiness.
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Hm, I guess since I’m relatively anonymous online I can state my fears... 🙈🙈
Like most people, I fear getting hurt, but I think because of some childhood issues which I posted about elsewhere, I’m incredibly wary of letting anyone close. My closest friends said it took *years* to get to know me because I keep people at a distance, or as my sister said, I’m “prickly.” I love being alone and I love my freedom, but I live with the terror I’ll go through that childhood stuff again. In February, I made myself go out on a date and I actually liked the woman, but I just imagined all the awful things she could do so it turned into an awkward nightmare. I bet she’s a wonderful person and I wish I could apologize to her, but my brain sort of goes into panic mode. |
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This. This is my fear exactly. |
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Fear of abandonment--Big Time.
Finally able to let go of control, but also can grab it back when necessary. |
i’ve lived a tough life, i fear being judged on it.
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Anyway... I've had a hell of a time trying not to overthink relationship issues. I've had to overcome a lot of fixed beliefs and behaviors, like people pleasing, codependency, and erring on the side of being more reserved than I actually am. I also had to learn that disputes happen, and if I don't advocate for my own position, she's not going to, either. Also, I've had to release the belief that I was forever doomed to attract cheaters, users and liars. Each time that's happened, I worried more and more that I would never find a woman whose values more closely matched my own. To find my part in attracting some of these shady ladies, it took dragging myself back to early childhood and seeing how I learned to take on the role of the schlimazel (mom), because the schlamiel (dad) was a cheater and liar, which to me always seemed far more obnoxious, and even villainous. I finally figured out I didn't have to choose either role, so I was free to give up my martyr's crown of thorns, and the lofty opinion I held of myself as being more moral than most. Ugh. What fun it was to admit to myself that sometimes all I really want is to hit it and quit it. Turns out it's not scandalous; it's called being single. I finally decided to turn all the complicated bits over to my higher power because I was exhausted trying to sort things out with women, romance and my bumbling assumptions. Like a lot of butches, I'm often drawn to beautiful femme 'bad girls,' because they're usually sexy as all get-out and so much fun (until either my self esteem collapses because I think I'm not in her league, or one night she comes home late with rug burn on her back, smelling like some butch's Right Guard and Aqua Velva). Even now, I'm slightly worried that someone will be offended by something I wrote, and lecture me about how I come off seeming too this or not enough that...but please don't. :) |
Scars
I have posted here before. I have been both verbally and physically abused by femmes. I think this is an important topic and we need to develop a safe place for BF folks in an abusive relationship.
Before it was me I was arrogant about it. I thought that "if you are in danger just leave". Now I know how hard it is to leave. There are threats against you and your family. Femmes can be violent too. |
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I had to take a look at the BIIIIIG picture and see it for what it was. I got hoodwinked. Hook, line and sinker. And that was a HUUUUGE fear for me all these years but it's kind of like going to the dentist or getting a shot or doing something that you have built up in your mind over and over to the point where it's some mountainous obstacle instead of the mole hill that it really is. The fear was worse than the event itself, really. It happened. I survived. I have more scars for it, but nothing that I think will hurt the next person to be brave enough to approach me. I have learned....and re-learned....some lessons that I will absolutely adhere to going forward. That's a good thing, I think. Having healthy and reasonable boundaries is good. Patrolling and policing those boundaries is better. Not having to address any attempts to walk over or bulldoze those boundaries is best. I feel a little surprised at how okay I am, actually. It was a hard lesson but I suppose I had to have it hard because I'm stubborn and bullheaded and very thick sometimes. Now, I've got it. I'm good. *eyeballs Universe* :weightlifter: |
........:goodpost:.......
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((((((((( Gemme )))))))))))))) i absolutely hear you. i absolutely adore you, too This is the stuff strong femmes are made of. |
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