TIPS FOR A BETTER LIFE..
1. Live without pretending. 2. Love without depending.
3. Listen without defending. 4. Speak without offending.

Dear math,

I am not a therapist. Solve your own problems.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it's still on my list.

My grandfather used to say something interesting about dealing with recalcitrant people... "It's like wrestling a pig. All that happens is that you get dirty, which makes the pig happy."

Everything is easier said than done, except for talking; that's about the same.

Good Morning my friends! Your golden ray of sarcastic sunshine has arisen!

Me...behave? seriously?

I hate it in restaurants when the waiter asks if you want a table... Like, No we'll just sit on the floor!

Would the people who stand in large groups in the middle of the entry way of establishments please get the hell out the way! You really aren't that important.

Being one of the many who has lost flexibility with age. It never fails to amaze me how I can still get my foot in my mouth!!!

I've read the rules. I've tried the rules. The rules are stupid, & I'm making my own from now on.

I get tired of saying I just want a large coke at a drive thru only to be bombarded with questions about fries, pie and shakes. I sometimes want to order it all then change my mind when I get to the window, but I realize that would be bad karma. Thinking about doing does make one feel good for a moment. :-)

And now, for my amazing feat today, I shall turn water into coffee!!

Here, put these floaties on your ankles ..

Came across this one today and it made me laugh....thought I'd share...
 

Happiness is a door that must be opened from the inside

I can melt ice with my mind . . . it just takes a few minutes.

I used to believe in things like Fate and Destiny...then I realized those are just stripper names!

I'm feeling super lazy today. It's like normal lazy, except I'm wearing a cape and mask.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

willing to join a cult that is located in a tropical paradise with no actual agenda

Lazy rule: can`t reach it... don`t need it.

Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.

without "me" it's just "aweso"

It has been brought to my attention that the stick figure decals on the back windows of vehicles are NOT pedestrian "kill" scores, but, actually are meant to represent members of your family. I'll be removing mine asap to avoid any further confusion. . .

Anyone else find it a bit disturbing that Mrs. Potato head stores her extra parts and her accessories in her ass?

same place . . . .:|

KISSASSECTOMY-The procedure one has to remove their lips from someone's ass.

You know you have had a bad day when your mood ring explodes...

wonders how different the world would be if everyone followed their own advice.

I swear some people have the IQ of a rock and the personality of a pop tart!

Example:


Don't play stupid with me,


I'm better at it...


:|

When the neighbors play music too loud, I dance naked. Shuts em down pretty quick.

I love this one
 

Just a few....
 

"No, I don't mind that my ex is seeing someone else. Mother always told me to donate my used toys to the less fortunate.'

"You can't fix stupid; however, you can numb it with a two-by-four"

To continue....
 

"if you only spoke of things you have the capacity to understand, you'd have to become a mime."

"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

(on a tee shirt of mine, with a Harley-Davidson)
"My vibrator weighs 1,000 pounds, runs on high octane fuel & you can hear it coming from a mile away."

"Un-f*ck you!"