March 17

Suit up, Show up



I stand naked, paralyzed, unable to reach my intended destination or any destination at all. Goose flesh is no real motivation and I am reluctant to use the prod having only produced resistance and reversals with past applications of this weapon. Entreatment might work if only I could find the right one; then again anything might work if it were a fit. Covering my all-together is an action; taken judiciously it sometimes is all the arrival I can manage, taken disingenuously it precludes the chance for any further forward motion and may create set back or retreat. I should not attempt to hide fear with wardrobe though I can try to warm it. Façade building is best done with a bottle in tow
reality is best faced with a sponsor by my side.




Acknowledge pain, acknowledge joy


*

OLD BEARS

Cold and Despondent
Nothing comforts me like the bear of early sobriety

Bought on a day I thought I would shake apart
This fuzzy old guy has been a display item,
For many years now,
Tucked to the corner with the lace edged pillows and folded shawls.

Jittery and Sleepless
It's easy to panic.

I turn and see the amber eyes waiting for my embrace
His body clothed in a hand knit child's sweater made by a friend
The warmth of this snuggle is more than comfort
It is also the acceptance of loss.

Quelling the dramatic highs and lows of the beginning cost many things
And the depth of this is not lost in the moment.

Alone in my bed the passageways to the future appear to me
I must rest and then walk on
I cannot stall or simper, plain work is before me
And simple old bears a consolation.

March 18

Malaria


Flailing, reaching, screaming; hiding, avoiding, misdirecting, theses are subsets in a list of extremes whose commonality is lacking, lacking humility. I fall to pieces just thinking of standing exposed, imperfect and unprotected. I’m not sure what I think will happen to me in this posture; instantaneous death? Couldn’t be, I’m not that lucky, nor am I foolish enough to think that I am that lucky. Possibly, I fear rancorous humiliation, but really who is powerful enough to do that to me? I know and like myself well enough to deflect obvious flying nonsense, so what is it that I do flee? I think it is the endless grinding inelegance of life, the stinging nettled nature of things, my inability to weave my way around my weakness and slip into the open unpoisoned. I fear exchanging peace for failure. Humility is when I know I cannot fail.



Be conscience of judgment and try not to react to it


*

WET BLANKET

I have carried this sodden thing with me all my life.
It's weight a burden for numerous years,
I have never been able to explain my continuing drag of this pitiful thing
Though it has been commented on by many.

My fidelity is boundless
In spite of inner questions and doubts.
Now that the fire is here I am glad to have it.
I pull it over me and step into the fray.

Thick and moist, I somehow struggle under its influence
And am able to do what others, bare of my encumbrance, cannot
I don't believe I can quench all the flames but I hope to help some to safety
And bat down the encroaching inferno a bit.

March 19

If I name it do I know it?


Does emotional proximity necessitate a nearer name? Far off I would be called earthling possibly human. On this plain, female maybe woman; in this country Mrs. Theriault; in my home call me Sherrie, but in my bed hy calls me Baby. Do these names offer the requisite information, no further inquires required, is it personal enough? Is the limited nature a stunted interest from without or a privacy fence from within? Does the boundary shift dependant upon the participants or is it an almost universal standard of metered advance and reveal? And do I get more when I give more or does that end in less info and a change of direction? Also who determines what I really need to know? Wanting curiosity; my hungry mind and lonely heart do not direct all the world, yet ceaselessly they strive, shutter and ask again: Who are you?





Step toward yourself


*

JAG

I have the most interesting lawn ornament.
It is long and sleek, low to the ground,
Resting on rubber rolls,
Steep of side and languid front and back

It has glass, glass which slants
And glass which slops into its sides.
It's paint shines when I buff it
And shows dust when I don't.

Inside there are seats and many artistic accessories
I sit on the steps and admire the thing
Then I sit in the thing and admire the porch
That's all there was until I was handed the key.

quick note to LeftWriteFemme
 

Remember our discussion about moderation this past weekend. I went into work yesterday morning, Ron, out of the blue, started talking about moderation too. I do not think it is a coincidence. It is too much "in my face" now.

Thank you for being such a wonderful friend. I have decided to stick around for the next 30+ years. There's so much more to learn. :) Be sure to tell Lisa I said HI. *wink* Lisa RAWKS!!! HEH HEH!

This is just where I feel at. :sigh:

I'm askeered of what comes next, although wanting to embrace it and move on to a place I've never been before. Shining a light on the truth is gonna hurt and my addict brain wants to run for the hills; recovery brain says my HP won't let me fall and won't give me more than I can handle.
:praying:

Praying that Ms.Sponse is well enough for our step 3 sharing evening that we post-poned from last Wednesday to this one. I'm sure I'll explode if she's poorly-sick again :hamactor:

note to Daktari
 

Hi there, Daktari! You have a lot going for you in that you realize it is your "addict brain" telling you to run. I have been there and I am sure I will be there again at some point. For me, the more times I stuck it out, faced fear and pain and did not run, the more I was able to move forward and accept better things into my life. As I go along, I now realize when I have to do these recovery suggestions which involve facing fear or feeling pain, I can now rest assured I won't die from going on and marching through it.

Hang in there!
Best wishes!
Brock

The one thing we know to do is RUN, it has served us in the past, but the gift is in front you begging you please accept me, Be still and know all will be OK
"My sponsor always tell me G-d did not save me from drowning in the ocean to let me drown in the bathtub"

Its uncomfortable but only for a short time, it sucks and hurts and makes us want to crawl out of our skin, but if you can be still and just let yourself go through this short moment the next time will be easier and the time after that even more so
Hang in there buddy

"Praying that Ms.Sponse is well enough for our step 3 sharing evening that we post-poned from last Wednesday to this one. I'm sure I'll explode if she's poorly-sick again..."


I can't help but notice you're talking about step 3.

Might I suggest that if your sponsor isn't available that, in the meantime, you find someone else with time that you trust to share with. It's a good idea to release pressure in a positive way. Then you can fill your sponsor in later.

Just my 2cents worth.

when I first got back to Ohio, I went to meetings. I quit, because I had a woman stalking me in the meetings. I tried a few months ago, to go back, and again, the same woman and then a man started to pursue me. And they just dont take no for an answer. Even tho I am engaged to be married, they still wouldnt leave me alone.

So, rather than dealing with it, I just stay away from meetings. And its pissing me off. I dont know what to do.

March 20

Bent, Spindled, Mutilated


Injury changes memory, not just the memory of the individual trauma, but the very nature of the mind. The hooks and loops distort and I can’t hold on as I once did. The misses and disconnects become more frequent, then they become expected. Emotional fluff-ups do not suffice, the hardware is damaged and a positive attitude is advisable but the pliers are a necessity. Some things are easier to break than to repair, in fact most things are easier to break, no skill required, though some take it on as skill, most destruction is ignorant or accidental, nothing personal just a part of a pain filled landscape. Direct intervention is not the same as hands-free degradation, though both have their cost. Redemption, restoration, is sought from all comers. Possibilities and probabilities stack; action is a relief, whether or not it is a fix. I take a breath to face the final blow, for when the cost adds up and I look for recompense all I hear is the check is in the mail.





Line the bin so the ick won’t stick

*

20 CART PILEUP

What's the problem here?
Asks my sponsor, as she approaches my apparent impasse.
Well, I've been trying to get these carts lined up
What do you think of my progress?
How many carts do you have here?
A few, quite a few, why?
And how many horses? She asks
Just the one, the same as everyone else, I answer.
And where is this poor animal?
Back here.
Behind the carts
OK, we have a twofold problem here.
First, one horse can handle only one cart.
So pick ONE
Second, that sad creature needs to be in the proper position
To do any good at all.
You had best figure out a way to get him in front
Or you will remain stuck
Even after you whittle down your burden.
I was stunned
She went to her cart
Climbed to the seat
And took the reins
How long did it take you to get yours like that? I ask
Honey it takes every day.
Don't kid yourself
I wake up every morning with the same train wreck
Your standing in now.
Learn to sort faster
And you'll have the rest of today
You can start over
With us tomorrow.

KCBUTCH is right. It is so damned uncomfortable because we have to step away from our natural inclinations into the unfamiliar. With this program, I no longer have to be "a cut-and-run backdoor Brock." I like me much better this way. All that dodging, ducking and running was wearing me out. I do not miss the pitiful incomprehensible demoralization one bit.

Today, I exit through front doors without holding my head down in shame.

Pretty good deal - this recovery stuff. :)

Awww you lot are fab...thanks, thanks ever so much for your posts -support, ideas, suggestions, and above all reassurance.

I'm lucky that don't have to even think about sharing step 3 with anyone but my sponsor. Just couldn't do it. I think I have one of the best of the very limited pool of females in the fellowship in this area, there aren't any others that I would trust enough to share a step with...maybe Granny Sponse., despite not having met her in person yet.

It amuses me that as the 'baby' in a line of sponsorship, I'm the oldest by a decade+ :cheesy:

Yanno, I like that my addict brain has it's own personality and is getting easier to identify. There are still lots of days I surrender to it but I feel comforted by the knowledge that the more I do 'this stuff' and the work my sponsor expects of me, the easier it is to identify when it's (addict brain) vying for or has control.

It's hearing folks like yourselves and the people in the rooms share that they faced and moved through the fear and pain, only to come out the other side saying it's one of the most loving things they've ever done for themselves that I'm holding onto for dear life....let's face it, this stuff can mean life, death or worse, a living death. :|

This is the point that I avoided first time round. Avoiding it led to ultimately, after a very long time, to picking up the drug that has been most destructive for me again. I will not, cannot, avoid it again.

I suspect the Bat Addict signal will be up again before too very long as I share step three tonight and we talk about how I'm gonna tackle step 4, without "...analysing the arse out of it." and "...trying to write the great recovery novel". Ms Sponsoliscious knows me so well :blush:

Thank-you again for your input and suggestions...I'm so very grateful you lot are here :pile:

Yeah, this recovery stuff is a bloody good deal :thumbsup:

Wow, I'd be stark raving sober if I didn't get to meetings. I'm in a min. of 3 a week (and that really is the minimum)....and I've got 26 years.

Do you have a sponsor to talk to about this? In my neck of the woods the old-timer women blast guys that are inappropriate with women in the rooms. Seriously.

Please consider talking to some other women about this. I'd hate to see you go out behind this. I've seen that happen OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Meetings are critical to sobriety.

If you want to talk more about this you can pm me.

- Kevin

March 21


When is enough, enough?


“What is the difference between full and all? Don’t know? Well, let me tell you,” said my sponsor with a wink. “Full is when the broccoli that went perfectly with the entrée leaves a pleasant smile on your face, full is when the arrow on the gas gauge points to F, these are little indicators of full. Indications that you have reached all: the wet scary feeling in your mouth after your second piece of pie, all is the gas pouring down the side of your car because you have to try to squeeze more in.”
“Yes, yes,” I reply, “I know when I’ve overdone it; I resent everyone or at least I am cranky about everything. I know when I’m under doing it, too; I get either a lost feeling or the sense that I should be in charge, but how do I really know that I am doing enough?”
“If your sponsor has a good idea of where you are mentally, physically and spiritually; if the people in your home group can count on you to contribute service regularly. If most people in most meetings know not just your face, but also your name. If your sponsees freely admit that you are their sponsor, those are sure signs. Though the biggest signal for me is how constant my contact is. If I’m reluctant to pray I’m usually not doing enough of something.”




Learn from pain

*

MATH

If this is the solution why aren't I happy?
I ask my sponsor in a piteous whine.
You've run the equation and the solution equals happiness?
She queries, that's the whole and total answer?
How many times did you go through the computations?

What's your point?
Are you saying happiness isn't the answer?
What about joy and freedom?
I heard someone say that was the goal
I know that's what I heard.

Let's think about it for a hot second
What would you think
If I worked the steps as hard as I do
And as a result walked around in a perpetual grin?
I'd think you had lost your mind.

So you're telling me you believe
The product of recovery is idiocy?
The thing we all are aspiring to is bliss and nothing but?
No, I guess not.
Then what is the solution for you? I ask.

A tally which fits the day I'm having
Joy sometimes fits that bill
But other days it's sadness or concern
There have been days when disbelief
And dismay were part of the appropriate response.

For me, the solution is having an equation
That helps me respond to life
Instead of reacting to it.
That's better than unending happiness
That's wholeness she said with a grin

I'm feeling a big internal shift happening again in my life. This is nothing new. Been there. Done that. Have the shirt. In fact I'm actually pretty excited about it.

When I was new change scared me...a lot. I was so trying to get my feet on the ground that when it started to move I was at a loss. I didn't have alcohol or 'party favors' to take the edge off. The process was alien to me.

I'm really grateful that I had people then and now to make this journey possible. God, expressing as the Fellowship, is what has bolstered me up when I needed it and allowed me to return the favor.

It's all Good. :praying:

- Kevin

back to ManOMan
 

EDIT:

Hi Friend, I am responding to post of yours. It is not your last post but a couple posts back.

END EDIT



There's an attractive red-haired guy who comes to meetings all around town. He has never been sober or even tried to be -he does a lot of drugs. Anyway, his purpose is to pick up good-looking newbie young women at meetings. When I see him in meetings, I stay after and observe him. Soon as he starts conversing with his next victim, I go over and make sure I am loud when I tell her to stay away from him because he is nothing but a sexual predator and she won't be able to get sober ever if she hangs with him. It is not 30 seconds and other women come over, chime in, back me up.

March 22

Clever Me

I am clever, I am so clever, everyone knows it and I know it, too. So, why do I get slam stuck on the very simple things required to keep my life running smoothly? I know what needs to be done, yet have no clue as to how to accomplish these threads of minutia. I stall; panic, plod, pout. When I do force myself to do it I end up creating either a new pile of impossible incidentals or some anticlimactic end, but secret solutions are as of yet undiscovered. The whip, the lash and the club avail nothing though sweet enticements do no better. I pray, “Dear G-d please help me!” but this has no point, I don’t want the help, I am afraid of the help, I am afraid of the change and of course who wouldn’t be? Beyond here lay someone I don’t know, someone I only fear, beyond here lay the fearless me and I am clever enough to be afraid of her.



Fill the potholes in your thinking



*

THE PROCESS

The mountains don't wash away like sandcastles
The amount of persistence required is far greater.
Acorns don't work like sunflowers
Not everything is instant gratification.

Marathons aren't run in seconds
If you don't love the whole adventure, pick a smaller goal
There is no shame in sunflowers or sandcastles or microwave popcorn
As long as you want it and hold it in esteem

Time-consuming, life-consuming journeys
Have a high price in boredom
And are not worth the consumption
If that is not where your heart leads you

You don't have to love washing the pans
To be a good baker
But it helps
Peace is in the process.