who's life is it anyway

vacation. It's been wonderful...

Daffodils...
their beautiful splash of color all over the yard of an abandoned old farmhouse and under big graceful ancient old trees... not the kind of abandoned property that everybody dreads, but the kind that the beautiful quaint old house feels like it's just waiting for you to come sit on it's old porch to watch the squirrels play in the flower beds... the kind of old house that makes you feel like time stands still....

Daffodils and a gentle, kind spirit....

http://hankinslawrenceimages.files.w..._daffodils.jpg

getting my nails cut down today

Waking up next to my love this morning...and wishing I was back there!:devil:

Starting my Friday off with a bomb threat at work.

And it was particularly unique because it must have been detailed enough to be taken really seriously, given that we had fire fighters prepared for explosion/fire, and city policy making us clear the place well beyond our typical emergency plan.

Oh joy!

I just want to say....
 

My vacation is almost over boooooo
I am blessed with good friends Yayyyyyyy
When I get back to work I have to give a review to someone that is not good
boooooo
I am going to see a comedian this Sat in AC Yayyyyyyyyyyyy

"You better wake up before we break-up the one that really loves you"
Love that song
Just rambling Sunny

Today: Lupus Lupus Lupus and painful arthritis
To take the focus off today... think of "yesterday" and the good days I've had recently... especially enjoying blueberry pancakes and watching the sunrise all curled up cozy in my fluffy sleeping bag.

Being back in Everett, finding what I thought couldnt possibly exist, what happens next?

stuff
 

My sister is clearing out her country house to sell it. It is where she and her husband and 4 children lived for many years. They recently bought a home in the suburbs and have been living there with most of their possessions. What is left in the old home is alot of "stuff". Well, we all joined in over there today to go thru the "stuff" and sort out who wants what yet, and what needs thrown away.

I cannot believe how much stuff a family can gather in a lifetime. Stuff that went on credit cards. Stuff that they had to have and now sits wadded up and forgotten. Stuff that needs a home so it does not become landfill, yet more than likely, will end up just that.

How sad...and how loud a noise it makes against my universal spiritual shield...you know..the barrier you have up so that you can co exist as a human on a planet you have barely any connection to anylonger. I can feel the implication of all this stuff ramming that shield of mine, wanting to make a dent. I feel torn between wanting that shield to be broken and wanting it to hold up.

I am taking alot of it, because I have very little "stuff" and what I dont want, I am going to sell on ebay. Lots and lots of clothes..clothes that never had the price tag taken off. Lots of make up that never was worn. Lots of jewelry all tangled up in piles.

there was decades of books on working with people who are HIV. My sister is a nurse and a therapist...and together she and I have worked in the HIV community for years. She still does. I do not. But I ached when I saw those books. I remember the history of this disease. I remember losing someone almost weekly from it. I remember the trauma our community dealt with as it exploded all over America. I remember the fear and panic that first came before it moved out of our community and into the culture at large. I thought of the many many many souls we lost way too early...and I realized that the majority of these books are going to be thrown out if I do not salvage them. And yet I dont know if I should..they are mildewy. Who would want them?

I found presents I had given to them over the years. Forgotten. Unwanted. Disregarded. I remember taking such effort to pick out special gifts for them and now they lay lost and discarded in piles on the floor.

and these are not bad people. I consider them pretty average folks. Its just that we accumulate so much stuff...and yet not enough to consider them hoarders. Just enough to feel Americanized. We Americans need to have "stuff".

I am feeling a bit sad by all this stuff...their stuff. My lack of stuff. It makes me want to go out and get stuff just so I can have that feeling of history I felt when i was walking amongst their piles today. My stuff is so limited. I use to have "stuff" but in all the losses, and many moves, I got rid of or lost much of my "stuff". I am "stuff-less" almost. I wonder if I should feel bad or relieved..or both. Both could be true at the same time. Maybe I am just caught in that, like bookends to my feelings.

I have to go back out there tomorrow. My car is loaded from today. I have to take out the stuff I took today so I can get more stuff tomorrow. Then I have to pack this stuff so I can take it with me to my next place..the new old house. So i am packing up my stuff and getting more stuff to pack. It doesnt feel like I should be adding more work to my already full plate.

But I cant let some of this stuff go. Like shovels. And rakes. And sheets and blankets. And lamps. And watches.

You can never have enough sheets. Or lamps. Or watches...or...

I am tired. I am tired of thinking about all this stuff. I am tired of thinking about the family history. I am tired of thinking about who isnt here to be part of this..the ones who died and now we have to go thru their stuff again. Stuff we kept because we couldnt keep them. Their stuff became them to us and now alot of it is in piles and we (my sister and I) both look at it and say nothing. We just look. Our grief process says its ok to let these things go now but then we think, what if we will regret it later? What if the grandkids want some of our parents things? What if we get rid of it and then we cant remember them anymore because we dont have their stuff? My guess is that stuff will get stuffed back into a bag and find its way to our houses.

a family of stuff was my meditation for the day...

Easter .......
http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o.../easteregg.gif

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvgN5gCuLac"]YouTube- George Carlin Talks About "Stuff"[/ame]

sitting at home playing online and watching my bella play with her boyfriend harley

what on my mind
 

There is something i have on my mind and it not a happy thought. I have been thinking of the past because i have a friend who is going thru the same thing. People who has not lost a partner or is going thru losing a partner have no idea what it like. Can u imagine watch your soul mate passing before your eyes and having no way to stop it. To pray to god to keep them and knowing it for not. Having friends and family not there being alone. Telling the doctors to let them go and sitting on the bed holding your soul mate while she passes to the heavens. For those who has not endure this then do not think u can judge those who have. My feeling on this is very raw and do not mean to be rude if it appears so. So that what i have on my mind today.