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There is nothing more horrific beyond the trauma itself than facing it alone. This requires faith from every fiber of my being.
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Apocalipstic, I promise that I won't. I had a bill to pay. It came up unexpectedly. |
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__________________ Andrew, Please see how absurd this is. You are not thinking clearly without your meds. I do understand your shifting back and forth you can not just something that your body is use to having without consequences. Don't even think about trying this again! |
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You are never alone. You know this dear....you are surrounded by love and healing not only from the Lord about and HIS helpers...but from those of us here...I know sometimes you feel so alone because you cant reach out and feel someone or hear their voice, but know that I am there with you and holding you keeping you calm giving you the light and the strength to keep fighting. You are strong you are a survivour you are a pillar of determiniation and a mountain of spiritulality. Keep close to HIM...listent to HIM...love HIM more everyday! |
Thank you all for your love and support. I was afraid to tell my adopted sister. She can be a bit overwhelming sometimes. But I did tell her. She pretty much chewed my ass off one cheek at a time, and went back for seconds. It was not pretty. Trust me. At one point I was ready to :help: while she was :furious:. I was told to expect a call from my gay brother and his partner this afternoon. I am sure it won't be a :cheer: call. |
You guyysss....GROUP HUG!
I'm so glad we can come here and share. I am calling and ordering my meds this morning, so I won't run out myself. :) I watched a show the other night on lobotomies and thought about how much I wanted to have one back when I was in my teens and 20's and I am so very thankful that I was born when I was and that I have access to medicines that help me be functional instead of ending up WAY worse off. I am so thanful we have each other. Jet, I hope your day is peaceful! Andrew, I am proud of you for getting back on the program! Pretty Princess! xoxoxoxoxoxo Spirit Dancer, have been thinking about you this week! Frisky, you rock! Everyone else, HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!!! I am sentimental and weepy today. Way better than being flipped out! |
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j |
TGIF! :flying: |
TGIF indeed!
Glad to see you all! |
After I went through my ordeal, I went into seclusion for 11 years. I rarely saw anybody except my parents; I didn't socialize and I only went to work and the store. Can you imagine? I lived a completely opposite existence from what i knew. I taught myself art those dark years—and it's all I accomplished. With all that's coming back full circle now, I feel that I may go into seclusion again, I can't say for sure. Take care.
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One thing I would like to add is that I believe it is imperative to stay physically healthy. I'm pretty staunch about eating healthy, taking supplements and vitamins, and keeping my environment uplifting. I clean my apartment, (I'm a clean freak anyway), fix great dinners and do everything I can to feel better as I move through this. It's easy to fall into slumps or to let things slide. These things help.
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My blood sugars are running high. My diet hasn't changed. And I have a call into my doc. I was stupid to play with my blood draws. I learned my lesson.
I am a practicing Buddist/Catholic. It does help me to meditate and pray. Right now my hardest burden is forgiveness. Not for me, but for Rosie and my home (nest). I have to work on this. Thanks for listening. Andrew :aslIloveyou: |
Good morning all!
Jet, I think those are great points and ones I think about. I do go to work every day and get done what I must. I have to be able to take care of myself. Back in my 20's I had a major melt down and was out of work for 6 months and found I was too sick to handle the mental health system. It is easier to go to work every day than to make all the calls and doc appointments to get disability unless you either know how to work the system or have an advocate to do it for you. I keep some of my vacation back in case I need to take off, but I have had my current job for 12 years. :) I have not been as active as I should be, I have a lot of pain with other issues. I have started walking after work and slowing down or stopping for a few minutes if I am in too much pain, then starting again. Eating right makes a huge difference in how I feet! My system is a wreck when I go near fast food. Andrew, forgiveness is a hard one, I work on that constantly. I am not even positive I really know what forgiveness means. Have a great week all! I am working on trying to give myself god thoughts when I start to falter and think negatively. |
Apocalipstic, I am right there with you. Everything you are doing, I am too with one exception - the work. My blood sugars today were over 200. So, I am taking double my meds, per doctor orders. We are hoping that this helps. As for forgiveness, it is easier to type and say the word than to actually do it. The process. Sometimes the pain is just too overwhelming for me to handle mentally. It just is. No amount of talking about it does much good. Confrontation is out. I just want to be. As simple as it sounds, sometimes it is so very hard to achieve. I know that the simplier the life the better. But when it comes to the mental issues of forgiveness, I have no answers. I pray and mediatate. I hope that God helps me overcome my negativity. I want nothing more than that. But again, easier said than done. Namaste, Andrew |
I am still working on the difference between thoughts and feelings, laugh. Maybe after that I can try to look at forgiveness?
Forgiving of others. and Forgiveness of myself for not being a stoic Buddha. For not having enough control over my emotions, thoughts and feelings to make this all go away. I start getting better and then I read something about how our health issues are because of our own thoughts and feelings....and I know that if I were a better person I could control it all better. Must. Work. Harder. I hope you can get your blood sugar regulated Andrew! |
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May today be lovely and safe and peaceful!
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Amen to that. :angel: |
Hello my brothers and sisters!
I have been off my own schedule these last few weeks, popping in from time to time just to see how everyone is doing but crazy busy with life and family... We had a crisis of sorts and I was called upon to tend to an elderly aunt who has diabetes, and she is a stubborn ole gal and wasn't taking care of herself like she should....messing up her sugar count and meds by eating whatever she wanted and the family giving in to her demands to keep her happy--she is 82 this year...the matriarch of our family and she was hiding what was happening to her... Her foot got horribly infected, the home health nurse called me angry that I should take her to the dr...I did and he sent her directly to the hospital...she refused to let anyone know she was ill that way because she didn't want her foot amputated...ugly truth is it was so bad, it was almost black, and she lost her little toe some where and so they had to amputate the remaining part of it...I know gross right? Well, I was not happy right then, because her sons should have been on the case for a long time before this and the nurse yelled at me, but I'm glad I was called because I wanted her to go to the hospital and she accepted that finally--she listened to the dr and so now we are waiting for her to get better and hopefully she won't need to have the rest of her foot gone, but dang it's been a little crazy trying to get the rest of the family to stop being enablers and quit bringing her goodies and snacks...dang do these people wanna kill her? Do they want me to kick their butts? lol...I wouldn't do that but I have had to put some people on alert...the sons,especially either they get it together or I am calling adult protective services cuz this is too much and she deserves so much better. I told them either take care of her or I will... So yeah. With that, going back and forth to the hospital, my father off his diabetes meds too and my daughter with a new job, my youngest in a struggle with her best friends and still volunteering for fundraisers which she does NOT cook for but I have had to, twice this week, and my own job(s), not to mention my poor hunny....well, let's just say, mama is tired... So pray for us all, as I do for you my friends and family here...I am not neglecting you, just haven't been able to do what I need to...oh did I mention the laundry and housework too??? lol...God is on my side I know this...so...I hope you all are doing well, it sounds that way and I miss you all... :LGBTQFlag: One more thing--don't forget the basket for the reunion raffle in Little Rock...pm me with what you (any of you) would like to add and we will go from there....ok??? I expect to hear from you soon, since we need to start putting our things together and I will ship it (on the off chance I can't make it after all)...I am trying I swear I am. Love to all, I am going to bed soon...thank God. Sleep well everyone...see you again soon. Shug |
Hello all trauma survivors....Big Hugs...
Just wanna say I have included you all in my healing ceremony...It is a very powerful ceremony at the full moon. I have also added you into my Medicine Wheel. The Healing energy is right in front of you allow it to enter. Go to a quiet place when your ready. Close your eyes. Raise head up. Open your mouth and breathe in the white Light. Hold it inside for a few seconds and feel the warmth illuminating inside. Blow your breathe out. Great Spirit blesses you. Repeat as necessary. |
Need some advice on this situation...
I just got some horrible news today...one of my sister's 2 kids called me on the phone to talk. They told me that my sister is a cocaine and drug addict. It explains alot. The kids want to hold an intervention, and want me to be there. I am not sure if it would be a good idea. My sister refuses to talk to me, and even at my nieces wedding she could barely hold a conversation with me. I take her like a grain of salt. I always have. Now, I am blindsided. The kids mean the world to me. I just am caught in this. |
Hello everyone.
I don't sleep much these days going through this process; I'm finally up and I wanted to touch base. Thanks to those of you who i have been in touch with in the course of starting this process. The most difficult part for me is going it alone due to the nature of this. Doctors and hospitals don't work, although i will be getting meds to hold down the anxiety and stress of going through this. Life is on hold. Contract designs, full-time job hunting, trips —everything is on hold and I can tell you that nearly every hour is or will be spent on processing this through. The damage in me is far more extensive and the PTSD much more serious than I ever realized. But it has taken nearly 2 months to get the full picture in view. I was in touch with my two best friends back home yesterday who are aware of what's going on and I'm in touch with my friend in here in Georgia. Thanks for all of your prayers and thoughts. I'm lucky to be standing quite honestly. But you know 17 years is a long time to hold something in. You forget, suppress, and internalize which is incredibly dangerous. I will be in touch here because it is a link to all of us who relate and it is an outlet for me as well. I appreciate being able to connect here at the Planet. The weather has finally nice and I want to integrate a lot of walking. I've had to quit my weightlifting because of lack of concentration and many flashbacks. Mine feel as though i will faint and often I'll keel over with severe fear or anxiety. So, my workout regimen right now is shot. If I can get balanced out enough in the coming weeks I'll try it again. This has taken my life and I'm in fight to reclaim my person and my life. There have been hundreds of times I've asked God to take me. He said no. With that.... Be safe and be strong everyone, I love you. Jet |
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I feel like crying today and can't concentrate.
I keep telling myself everything is OK. |
FF, :princess: Thank you for your advice. Her 2 kids are in their 20's and getting married. Both kids and their soon to be spouses want to do the intervention, and include me in this. I don't see how this will work with me at all. My sister hates me because I was not able to stop the abuse taking place. She blames me 100% for her incest. I was about 4 or 5 yo. I tried to stop it, but my father used abuse against me (physical, verbal, mental, and so on). I carry that guilt with me to this very day. I already confronted my father on it. He is an ass. That pretty much sums it up. Apocolipstic, :princess: I am sorry you have these feelings today. Try to get outside and look at some beautiful flowers. I know how negativity affects me as well. :twitch: I am praying for you. Love to all, Andrew |
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It will be okay. And you have support here as well. |
Thank you all! Hugs!
I need :tanning: |
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I am finding myself confused...scared and overwhelmed...there is someone that I have been speaking to....and I dont know when or how to even tell hym about my PTSD...I sometimes wonder why even bother...but then you know what happens...a loud noise a startle response....you cant hid that forever...does anyone have any thoughts on this. I usually just keep that part of me locked away and hope for the best....but I am wondering if that is part of the problem with my past relationships...I suppose better sooner than later...and if hy runs then hy runs....I dont know...any thoughts?????
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Everyone has their stuff. I think being open and honest from the begining and able to talk about anything makes for a good relationship. Mayber suggest exchanging lists of "things you should know"? Some can be funny, some serious? |
Wow, great thread. I have not had time to really read through it, but from what little I have read, I am relating to a LOT of folks. Thank you all for sharing on here, that is always a very brave thing to do, even if it is "just" online..
Now, about me.. I am a child abuse survivor. The sexual abuse went on for the first 3 to 4 years of my life and I still have emotional issues with relationships due to it, mostly equating sex with love, and the feeling that if there isn't sex, this person doesn't REALLY love me.. That is something that I am aware of and make my partners aware of, and I talk it out. Doesn't make it go away, but it helps. More recently, I was a first responder to someone that got stabbed. I am not an EMT or a professional, but I was there when it happened and applied pressure to his wound. There was a LOT of blood and the guy that stabbed him (turned out to be his boyfriend), was there too, with his hands over mine. I didn't realize what was going on with the two, only that the victim was very upset and kept telling the other guy to go away. This all happened a week ago, but it seems MUCH longer ago for some reason. Since then I have been showing some reall signs of PTSD.. The insomnia and recalling the event are strongest, but the hyper awareness is there too.. It happened right outside of my place of work, so I recall it when ever I come in and late at night when I'm walking home. I have even drawn up in defensive stance when co-workers have startled me. It's weird to be on automatic like this.. But talking about it has helped a LOT. I have friends here with me that are a huge help. Thank you all again for your responces to this thread and thanbk you for starting it in the first place. In Light, Tony ps- the victim is alive now and the suspect is in jail, facing trial.. |
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It is amazing how when we think we have done the work and are all better something can happen and send us right back into full blown PTSD or meltdown mode (as I call it). The hyper awareness, the startle response. I don't know the answer, my therapist says that the body learns ways of keeping us safe and it kicks in when it feels threatened and overrides all our best intentions. So sorry you are experiencing this. Know that we are here if you need to vent or share! Hugs, Jen |
Jen,
Thank you very much for your responce. I feel like I've kinda shut down emotionally on some levels.. It's pretty weird, but it's good to know that I have a place to go if my head is spinning at three am and I need to vent.. lol -Tony |
I totally get the feeling shut down emotionally thing! Right there with ya!
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Tony, I am so very sorry you endured that trauma. I will be praying for you. PTSD is not something that just goes away, or if someone tells you to grow up or something rude along those lines - they have not a clue as to what it is to endure the trauma. As for the shutting down experience, we all go thru that. Oh yes. We all do it. It is our body's way of giving us a "break". You will find yourself "zoning out" too. Another sign of the trauma. I wish you peace and love, dear brother. Namaste, Andrew |
I am overdone, I have been hitting myself in the head with the phone.
I need to stop that. |
Andrew, Thank you very much for your post. I have actually experienced the zoning out thing lately. I know it doesn't just "go away".. but part of me wants it to just go away, lol.
Jen, I hope your head doesn't break the phone.. lol (kidding, gallows humer here.) I hope that you get some time out time soon.. I have no idea exactly what you are going through, but if possible, a break from it might help. Even if it's just a little you time in the tub or on a walk somewhere.. My thoughts are with you. OK, now I want to share what happened last night right outside of my apartment. I'm walking home and I'm half a block away and I see a lot of movement like right in front of my door. I of course go hyper aware and can sense some upset with them.. I get to the door and it's a couple of the homeless guys that hang out at the coffee shop down stairs and some other guy. The other guy is holding his finger. My first thought, "oh shit, i don't need this" but.. being who i am, I ask what's wrong. After a lil evasivness, it turns out, the guy tried to touch/mess with/looked at wrong, one of the homeless men, who promtly slashes his finger open with the blade he always carries. I go upstairs, get the alcohol, bandages, and some bandage tape and come back down to let the cut guy clean up. The whole time, JC (the guy that cut the other one) is kinda circling and taunting the guy. Long story a little shorter, I think the guy will need stitches and I think JC has a little more respect for me.. lol All during this, I'm calm, collected.. But another part of me just wanted to shut down and run. I told the cut guy that last week, I helped a guy that almost bled to death, "you may need some stitches, but you aren't going to die. (lower voice) and don't mess with crazy homeless guys with knives," he laughed and calmed down a lot.. He ended up walking away. I just have to wonder why my Higher Power is setting these things in front of me. I wasn't able to sleep last night until i knocked myself out with nyquil. I've been clean and sober for over a year now and I'm going to pick up my program a bit.. Cause this shit is driving me to want to check out in big ways :( Talking about it helps a lot, but it is taking a toll and i can tell. Love and Light, Tony |
BIG (((HUGS)))) to everyone here, new additions and regulars of this thread.
If life is a rollercoaster than PTSD is my loop de loops. Disoriented for that moment you dont know what is up or down.... spinning and dizzy today. Everyone find peace where and when you can. |
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