| genghisfawn |
12-21-2015 04:26 PM |
What a time of year. What a shitty little time of year... in some respects, while others are fine. Or will be. Give it time.
It's my little brother's birthday today - he would have been 25. He died a year and a half ago from cardiac arrest following two grand mal seizures. I applied self-care vigorously in the form of a hot bath (alone - no pets), a few repeats of "The Valley" by Jane Siberry and performed by kd lang accompanied by violent bawling, and doing the dishes by hand because the seal on the dishwasher is buggered. One of the highlights was the coffee with cinnamon, cardamom and heavy farm cream. Delightful.
The butch is away at work, and we're texting back and forth when her bus arrives at time points - her father, 5 hours away, is dying of cancer. The family there are pleading with him to go into hospice, but his ambiguous walk between dementia and lucidity are making the process very difficult. None of them are accustomed to care work. Husband and I will bring my brother's transport chair, some handy lift and transfer techniques, baking from my mother and as many presents as we've been able to scrape together this year. Presents. Fucking presents.
I was working again with makeup in the bathroom today, trying to find a way to use fairly limited products to cover the scar between my eyebrows. Being a femme with a facial scar that looks like Voldemort had a go at me is destroying me, but the plastic surgeons are backed up with boob jobs, I guess.
I'm unemployed after taking a certificate in judicial services. The money isn't flowing, and I have an admittedly unhealthy habit of determining my self-worth based on my financial productivity. I've been poor, and I've been very comfortable - it's hard to go back and forth.
The house is dark, and I'm nested in blankets, going through marathon government job applications and bilingual written tests. There's a cat in this assemblage somewhere, and the dog is on my feet. Any job that doesn't literally bore me to tears will do, I swear.
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