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Jokes and things that made you laugh.
A Doctor answers some hard Questions:
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain Bottom up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NO LISTEN! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! |
What Bra sizes really mean:
(A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there... {C} Can't Complain!... {D} Dang!... {DD} Double dang!..... {E} Enormous!.... {F} Fake... {G} Get a Reduction... {H} Help me, I've fallen And I can't get up!... They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen |
>Subject: Nag! Nag! Nag!
> An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day, trying to get a stay of execution for a client James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had apparently failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bathroom, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally, realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door,she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear-end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP |
Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree.
"My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles." The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog. ""Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?" "Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal." "Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that." So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would. And that, M’lud, is the case for the defense... |
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
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ok so someone to the sticker off my dogs new squeeky toy and stuck it on the back of my sweat shirt.. had to have been there for at least a week and i wear it all the time.. found it last night.. it says:
"squeeeze me i squeek" not cool but hadda snicker! |
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Bob. He makes me laugh everyday. This morning I was sitting at my desk drinking coffee trying to wake up. From behind me I hear these noises. Squeeks and whimpers. I turn my head and the lump in the covers is moving. Bob is chasing something in his sleep. Punk.
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saw this on a facebook status---"strap on spelled backwards is no parts..oh the irony" i couldnt help but chuckle
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"How do you catch a unque rabbit?"
"you neek up on it..." It makes me giggle every time I hear it.... |
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An old but gold...............................
Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle. Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial! Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire. I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling. I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Your loving Mum P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope. |
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You know the WHOLE joke? It goes, how do you catch a tame rabbit? U neek up on it. And how do you catch a UNIQUE rabbit? Tame way, you neek up on it! |
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Grin... I had forgotten the rest... Thank you... Someone told me that joke once up on a time when I was in a full, all out, no holds bar rage, ranting session..... It deflated and derailed me in two seconds... I love that joke.. |
words of advice
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!" |
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[COLOR="Black"]uh they were fast acting :|/COLOR] |
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Hey Folks,
We are getting several reported posts from this thread about the content of the "jokes" here. It is STILL against the TOS to post "jokes" that are racially insensitive, culturally insensitive, -phobic, grossly sexist, etc. Just because it's a joke doesnt mean that it gets a pass on the -isms. Please keep it clean and accessible to everyone on this site. Thanks, Admin |
How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None...racists don't like being enlightened. |
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. What have you got there, dear? With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear." |
democrats think the glass is have full
republicans think they OWN the glass. |
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?" "What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself. "I think you're bad luck." |
Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate." "Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!" ...
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A man walks into a bar and sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life. He approaches her and asks if he can buy her a drink. She replies "OK, but it won't do you any good." He gets her the drink and walks away. A little while later, he comes back and asks if he can buy her another drink. She replies "Fine, but it won't do you any good." He gets her the drink and they talk for a bit. Then he invites her to see his apartment. She replies "Sure, but it STILL won't do you any good!" When they get to the apartment he turns to her and says "You are the most beautiful, amazing woman I've ever met. I want you for my wife." "OH that's different," she replies "send her in!"
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If you are 40, or older, you might think this is hilarious!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents! Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe! There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig? We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards! And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that! And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores! And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before! Regards, The Over 40 Crowd |
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bath. One of them was washing her private parts and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched the patient "down there." They tried it again and sure enough, there was sizable movement on the monitor. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined. No pulse, no heart rate, nothing. The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened?" The husband said, "I'm not sure, she just started to choke. |
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?" Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick." |
I went to Italy for the holidays with another butch who said she knew a lot of people there. As we were walking around the Vatican, one of the guards shouted, "Jo, it is you isn't it?" Jo said the friend offered to show us around the private apartments, and to arrange a special audience with the Pope. I laughed and said "Jo, now you've gone too far. Your full of s*** . Im going back to the hotel." So I walked out and there was huge crowd waiting for the Pope to come onto the balcony. Then, I heard them all suddenly fall silent and slowly start muttering in Italian. So I asked a woman standing next to me, "What are they saying?" Then she pointed to the balcony and said, "Look up there! Who is that person standing on the balcony with Jo? Do you know?"
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To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari. I missed our bikes. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. Your loving wife. xxx Oh, PS: YOUR GIRLFRIEND PHONED. |
i was so laughing on the inside
me standing outside this morning after work warming up several co-workers cars in our sub freezing weather talking to a gaggle of women when one of my co-workers sends me a text that says...
flirt! |
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest baby you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her." |
Little Johnny
Little Johnny come down for breakfast one morning but hadn't done his chores yet. His mother asked him, "have you done your chores yet?" Johnny replied, "no". His mother promptly told Johnny "you know you can't have breakfast until your chores are done." This upset Johnny. So off he went to do his chores. When he fed the chickens, Johnny kicked a chicken. When he slopped the pigs, he kicked a pig. When he milked the cow, he kicked the cow. Now after chores, Johnny was very hungry and he was looking forward to some eggs, bacon, and some cereal. But when it came time for breakfast, all he got was some dry cereal! "Mom, why is do I only get dry cereal?" Johnny asked. Johnny's mom replied, "I saw you kick the chicken, so no eggs for a week; I saw you kick the pig, so no bacon for a week; and I saw you kick the cow, so no milk for a week." About that time Johnny's dad came down stairs for breakfast, mumbling, and kicked the cat. Johnny looked at his mom and smiled and said, "you want me to tell him or do you want to?"
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . ... In no time.' Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away Frank. Our prayers have been answered!' |
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM. A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.' THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.....I'M GETTING A FAX!! |
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