"You're Not A Lesbian......" So Annoying!
 

Yes.

My answer to that question

I'm a Queer Femme, who I fuck is not your business ;)

Don't let ANYONE make you question who you are, life is to short, sex feels to good for you to miss out on because of someone elses hang ups!

The answer: nobody could know that except for you. Many people out there just aren't comfortable with anything that isn't the "norm" or isn't like them, but that's their problem. In the end it doesn't matter what people say, doesn't matter how much a person has "experimented" or not, it's about how they experience themselves inside.

I think most on this forum have experienced something similar to what you've described to some degree or other, but I think most would agree that the best thing to do is just be who you are despite what other people say. They could never know unless you told them, and who you are really isn't up to them. Other than just be yourself, it might also be helpful to find a community wherein you can be yourself without worrying about people judging you.

this use to happen to my ex girlfriend all the time. the worst part about it was that the comments mostly came
from her gay guy friends. it made her previous girlfriend paranoid...always questioning if she was really a
lesbian...and making comments every time she would talk innocently to guys. i was annoyed that she had to
always had to defend her sexuality. i felt bad for her. i could only be supportive. it wasn't an experience that
i could relate to. when someone claims how they choose to identify it is not open for discussion. it needs to
be respected. i offer my compassion to anyone going through this.

Sometimes it feels like labels only exist to make OTHER people happy/comfortable.

You know. "Since you self-identify as lmnop and I self-identify as wxyz I know that you are inherently different from me." Which is, of course, bullshit.

ESPECIALLY to me it feels like bullshit when it comes to queer/gay/lesbian/bi/pansexual/whatever females. ESPECIALLY when those females are partnered with other females. You self-identifying as pomosexual and me self-identifying as queer means SHIT to people outside of the umbrella - and because it means shit to them we end up having a zillion similar experiences.

Because when it all boils down to it - no matter how you or I self-identify we are both females who (for the most part) partner with other females. Our fight isn't all that fucking different from the fight that gay women and lesbians have to fight.

A little less division, if you please?

Heck, I believe you. :p

But no, I haven't had similar situations. I looks like a lesbian. :farmer:

Whatever that means.

That has happened to me
 

I have had that happen - now why do you think I have been attending this gay event for months? Are there not other femmes here? Why in the world would you think I am straight???????????????

Agreed on the division bit and in general. And to add to that, the fight ain't all that different from what most within the LGBT spectrum have to deal with. Lesbian, queer, gay male, trans what have you, nobody is left out of the discrimination tossed at us in general. It's far easier to fight that unified than divided.

jesus. everyday when I first came out. you wouldn't *believe* how many of my dyke mates/dyke acquaintances/people in the local community told me I was not a dyke/a lesbian id'd bisexual/not really a lesbian/a piece of fluff etc etc etc.

I refused to ID as a lesbian for several years because of it. I just used queer. I thought "fine if you don't want me in your club, fuck you, I'm not."

then after a while, after moving cities a few times, meeting many people on websites and events etc, I personally realised only I get to define what lesbian means to me. I also really don't appreciate some wankstain telling me who I am. you aren't a lesbian just makes me roll my eyes - and I rarely ever hear it now, due to where I live now. when I do hear it, it's from newly out dykes with something to prove in a line up for gay club.

I only get that annoying question/statement from long term queers when I go out in a town, rather than a big city. they basically need to get out a bit more, as they obviously haven't lived outside their social group since the 80's.


Normally it's because they are inexperienced. Age doesnt' have much to do with it though - I had plenty of islander dykes in their 40's telling me I wasn't lesbian. They were just very small town and hadn't bothered travelling much or living outside their social circle. It's a dead give away they haven't experienced much lately in their lives.

It says absolutely nothing about you and exposes them for their a) ignorance and b) How many pieces of toilet paper do you use when you take a dump? cause you aren't wiping well enough. That shit is sticking to you.

yes...
 

While I don't actually identify as a "lesbian," I so understand the disappointment and indignance brought on by people in the queer community who question my stated identity and tell me that the way I love is just too different. People in the dyke community - who *should* understand the need for non-judgment and a person's right to determine her own boundaries and definitions - can be extremely boxed in. I guess it's just the story of humanity that we all want to identify self from other, in from out, safe from threat ... but it is just plain hurtful sometimes when you expect to feel like you're in a safe space, and a big part of your core self (who you love and how you express it) is criticized.

I guess the beauty of experience, though, is the grace to be able to say "fuck it" and live your life. With a smile and curtsie!

It seems that some folks just can't see past stereotypes, even in our community and in the Queer community in general.

I've never been hassled or told I'm not a Lesbian, or am too Femme to be a Lesbian by anyone in the communities I've hung out in. There have been a few hetero guys who've had some trouble wrapping their brains around the concept over the years and recently a young Bi guy questioned me. But, overall I've not gotten the "you're not a Lesbian" accusation from others within the community. Maybe it is living on the West Coast that makes the diff, IDK.

Within a couple to three years of coming out, I got hassled a bit by some of the radical lesbian feminists in my outer circle about being "too femme". They didn't like that I wore mascara. The Dykes who were really Butches never hassled me, and the "older" Butches and Femmes encouraged me. :blueheels:

Yes...
 

__

I would LOVE for your "stated identity; your right to determine your own boundaries and definitions" to be understood and respected - as I would love for mine to be as well. Especially in our community.

(w)

Thank you so much for sharing this.


(*Thanks for letting me share here... WILDCAT)

Fabulous
 

Rock on Aryka!








:blueheels:

The first person who told me I 'wasn't really a lesbian' was the second lesbian friend I ever had and just as femme as me! 5 years later she got with the man who is now her husband.

Since then I've had it from Drag Queens ('watch her, she's clearly not a lesbian), gay men ('are you a lipstick lesbian?'), straight men in gay clubs ('I saw you and thought, no, she's not a lesbian'), other lesbians ('so, you like sleep with men as well don't you?'), and straight couples at gay prides/events ('you're so pretty you can't be a lesbian, you could have any man you want!'). It was all so IRRITATING!

Only now I really am with a man and suddenly its 'What? But you're a LESBIAN! What's going on?'. One of my friends even warned my bf not to get 'too attached' as I was clearly going to break his heart.

I think people just like to be contrary, so you may as well stick to Pomosexual.

When I first came out and began a relationship and trying to figure out how meet, relate, god help me to date other women was a force to be reckoned with for me. (mind you thins is after having been married way to young, to an obstinate, macho man, and living in a very small town where the folks I knew were not so inclusive.) I did not know where or who to turn to once I got my head space and really knew for certain. My friends did not/could not understand so I took to the web (that was still really new to me since my ex husband felt like I would some how break such a precious machine by looking at it. I think he just did not like that I was faster at learning it than he was and could find things like the history button and see what he did on the nights I was the closing manager)

Sorry back to the topic… I went through my own issues of trying to figure out how I fit and trying to make new friends that I could relate to easier than my old ones or better who would relate to me with out feeling like I was something so different. I was semi professional in my regular dress and always feminine and felt absolutely invisible to every one. I was new at this but it was not something I was unsure about when I came to the life I wanted. I knew and wanted every one else to know also!!! I didn’t care who, but if I ever tried to go some where with out my girlfriend at the time I was seriously shut out. From younger girls bois women blocking my way in to a club, or what the hell looks from some one when I finally pushed through to get inside that I would try to talk to even just a little. As a painfully shy woman this pained me horribly.

To the dismay of my partner at the time I started changing the way I dressed outside of work because I hated feeling like I was an outcast and did not belong, maybe that would be enough to let me get my foot in the door? Of course that was foolish of me and I eventually came to realize that I am who I am and love skirts and dresses and like being girly even though I tend to be rougher and tougher than the women I have dated or known.

I never took to the label of lesbian but I love the term queer and gay, lesbian to my mind and perception is so defined and some what excluding , but queer and gay well I love that it includes ever one of us. And not because I want to be a part of a majority or some silly thing like that but because we all have some way a similar experience, another trying to lesson us because of the way our hearts souls and minds are geared towards something intimate, personal, and privet .

I suppose that my point is I think at least for my self and maybe for some that realize, come to terms with, or just learn to acknowledge that we are more drawn to a woman sexually latter in life, That we might go through a second hopefully much shorter and hopefully more intelligent version of pubescence in learning our selves our strengths and learning to trust ourselves to know our own self.

Boy I hope I make some sense here, it's been a very long day but I felt like I had something I wanted to share I just hope I wrote it the way I intend for it to be read and understood.

:pendulum:

I had a palmreader tell me I wasn't "meant for this life" and that "something happened" that caused me to be "that way" - all while looking vampily meaningfully into my eyes.

Then she told me somebody who doesn't believe in Jesus had put a curse on me and for a hundred bucks, she could reverse it - and otherwise it would destroy my relationship.

Then she read my partner's palm and told her "not to break my heart."

So all y'alll non-jesus-loving cursers, please remove your curses because I don't have an extra hundred to spare. :P

Not a Lesbian? Like heck I'm not!
 

Well, undone, you made a lot of sense to me and I appreciate that you shared that part of your story with us. Rock on sister! You totally get to define and embody your own heartfelt expression of Femme. :cheer:

Nat, I truly hope you have been ROFL :rofl: over this dubious claim.

def not the west coast that makes the diff... i've been told by heteros i'm too "femme" to be a lesbian, that it's just a phase.. haha :p and i've been told by b/f i'm not "femme" enough or i'm not "femme" in the right way. i am so glad that THEY don't get to decide. :)

I think EVERY lesbian has experienced the "you're not a lesbian" theory at some point in their lives. Point blank, no one can tell you how and what to feel, and especially can't tell you who you should have those feelings for ...
so, rock on lesbian. :hangloose: Dare to be yourself - whoever that may be.

As a Femme who is out at work I don't usually get the shock and awe look!..HOWEVER..when I first came out at work no one would believe me :( some made ignorant statements like "no way..you have kids..you know you love cock" :|..others would say "but your so limited sexually" :| When I told the straight chicks that it is them who are limited sexually you could see their wheels turning..lol..it shut them up and I am sure that there were some very happy husbands that night! lol. Either way the only statement about "your not a lesbian" or "your only a lesbian because of" (insert traumatic even of your chosing here) bothers me more than anything else said to me by straight folks.. I was abandoned by my mother so therefore I seek a womans companionship..that one gets me everytime!..

gives credence to "ignorance is bliss" I guess. :praying:

have a great Hump day!

Wow, sounds like some of the comments made to you at work constitute sexual harassment.

Yes, yes, yes. This happens all the time. Even at Queer events. How could I possibly be a Lesbian!? I dress nice, I wear heels, I wear make up, and I have designer bags. I am just a faghag... yeah that's it! And, I get this the most from our butches, unfortunately **frown**

I have used this as an opportunity to educate... that's all we can do!

Love to you all!
Starry

:pursebee:

i've had this happen too...
 

I've had people tell me that just because I'm super girly that I couldn't possibly be gay. What!! Are you kidding me??? There is no "one way" to be...you are who and how you are!! There was someone who messaged me on this site and said: "You aren't queer. Why are you here?" I was like WTF!! I was so annoyed and mad!! How DARE some asswipe think that because I'm not THEIR definition of what lesbian, queer, gay, etc is, that somehow I don't belong here!! I know where I belong.

I'm a babygirl femme lesban and I'm not going anywhere.

I mean no "shoulds" or "shouldn'ts" here, but I do think the people's reactions that you experienced are perfectly reasonable.

Words have meanings that are generally agreed upon culturally. If they didn't we couldn't communicate at all. Lesbian has the meaning of "attracted to women only" for the vast majority of speakers. When you equivocate and say that there is ANY chance you might be attracted to a man, then that triggers the word bisexual for most speakers.

If you wish to go into those details in describing yourself, I don't see how you can expect people to understand that you are using the words differently from their standard, accepted usage.

I hope you reported them.

Welcome to The Planet
 

I agree with Dapper this ugly behavior should be reported:(

well...
 

I didn't. I probably still could. I still have the email. It was from quite a few months ago.

I just remember feeling so mad and upset. I've NEVER been attacked like that before. It has taken me years to get to where I am now and I'll be damned if I'd let some jerk think that they can make me feel like I don't belong here.

I was just surprised that someone in our community would attack another member. We, as people in this big community, should be coming together, not attacking each other. We all get attacked in some way from people who aren't in our community so it's sad to see it happen amongst ourselves. Every person is different, with different likes, preferences, wants and needs.....someone may not agree or like it, but if they don't, then just leave it alone!! We are all looking for acceptance and a place to belong.

I know where I belong. I belong here, in this community. I belong with my Daddy. He is the center of my world and treats me with the utmost love and respect. That is where I belong.

I'm truly sorry this happened to you:( I think it would be wise to report this ugly incident it's pretty icky.


[

QUOTE=sweet_goldie_grrl;363048]I didn't. I probably still could. I still have the email. It was from quite a few months ago.

I just remember feeling so mad and upset. I've NEVER been attacked like that before. It has taken me years to get to where I am now and I'll be damned if I'd let some jerk think that they can make me feel like I don't belong here.

I was just surprised that someone in our community would attack another member. We, as people in this big community, should be coming together, not attacking each other. We all get attacked in some way from people who aren't in our community so it's sad to see it happen amongst ourselves. Every person is different, with different likes, preferences, wants and needs.....someone may not agree or like it, but if they don't, then just leave it alone!! We are all looking for acceptance and a place to belong.

I know where I belong. I belong here, in this community. I belong with my Daddy. He is the center of my world and treats me with the utmost love and respect. That is where I belong.[/QUOTE]

I think you should report it. Otherwise the person may think they can do this to another person who comes to the site.

Just forward the PM to Admin.

Thanks y'all for being supportive!! Go to find, the person who sent me that email was banned a while ago, so it's taken care of!! :)

I suspect certain members of my immediate family secretly consider my current relationship a phase -- a reaction to failed hetero relationships. My favorite quote so far is, "Well, there's nothin' wrong with bein' a li'l gay... *awkward silence follows* ..."

Other than that, I haven't encountered much static over the issue. But then, I'm pretty oblivious to other people. The world is so full of happy, shiny things that distract me, it's hard to pay attention to sour-puss types ;)

-S

My mother was actually happy for me to have met a nice, polite girl after walking out of a disastrous hetero relationship. I was overjoyed that she was so accepting... until I realised her acceptance was based on her belief that my gayness was just a phase.

OK, that makes me cringe a little... I hope your mom comes around and it doesn't hurt your relationship. On my end, I'm giving my family member some time. This person has kids and lives in a small (I'm mean tiny, y'all) southern town. So I assume some of the hesitancy I sense has to do with them deciding whether to be open with their kids about who their aunt's new "friend" is... and that's fine for now. They're all under age 8. I'll let them deal with their kids their way. But they're polite and the kids are polite. And so long as everyone is treating everyone with respect I feel like we're in a good place so far...

You should reprt them. That's not cool, and the person who messaged you should, of all people, understand since they're a part of this community.

skirting the issue
 

when i came out in the 80s androgyny was the order of the day. i wore dresses and make-up and no one would talk to me. i tried for a more lesbian look, shaved my head and put on a vest... but that was not me, and in the end, my friends told me i couldn't really pull off butch if my life depended on it.

i appreciate the resurgence of femme our community, but i have had more than one person tell me i do not "look" like a lesbian. i have learned that all that means is that i do not set off their gaydar... those who pay attention see me just fine, for those who come with preconceived notions about what constitutes homosexuality, we are invisible on any plain.

in the mid 90s performance artists Shawna Dempsey and Lorri Milan did a piece that aired on Much Music called what does a lesbian look like that was fantastic... i was trying to find it, but found this instead, not the same thing, but still good, an excerpt from their movie "a day in the life of a bull dyke"

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1Kj3kAzsFQ"]What is a bull dyke ? A Universal appeal in my own Monstrosity - YouTube[/nomedia]

My daughter is heterosexual, but supports me completely. We were at a *gay* bar with some of her friends, and they got up to dance, while I went in search of the ladies' room. I was shocked when a few well meaning dykes offered to help me find 'my fag', they were shocked by my answer! It does seem to happen more frequently in small insular communities, and the only time I feel like I'm recognized, validated, or visible, is when I'm out with a gentlemyn butch. Is this taking advantage of hym?

How do you all feel about it?

It is the universal femme issue. We "look" straight so we are assumed to be straight unless we are with our butches. Unless we can somehow start to look butch, which we are not, or wear large pins that say: I may look straight but am really lesbian (or Stone Femme or whatever you ID as); I don't know what else we can do about it!

It is just the way it is. I don't see it as taking advantage of anyone, if I am somehow perceived to be a lesbian when I am with a butch. I call that a double-happy bonus.

Butches love us as femmes but then they can walk right by a femme and never see us for who and what we are.

Frustrating for both butches and femmes.