Breaking up
 

Does anyone agree here that when you break up with someone you go through a form of grieving ?

Obviously, it depends on how much feelings you had for the person. Most times, the one who walks away feels no, or little grief. Naturally, every situation is different. Sometimes the one who walks away is hurting more...

grieve
 

Of course you do. If you loved them. But I've had breakups where it was a relief. They were a burden or unhealthy. They offered very little so there was'nt much to miss, or be sad about.

I think it depends on the person, situation and length of time the relationship lasted. Some people don't take relationships as seriously as others, and maybe they find it easier to move on, while others need time. Also, if the relationship was fairly short, then that might lessen the impact on both parties. I think the longer the relationship, the harder it probably is to come out of it for most people.

I think sometimes the grief we feel is for how we wish the relationship had been.....even if we were the one to walk away.

Grief for the good times, the good parts, the person you loved but maybe just are not, for what ever reason, compatible with any more.

Grief that the picture you had for your life was not real.

Grief that you have to start over.

Grief that you look at yourself differently.

Grief.

Heartbreak.

It's happened to me every time .. And it feels like a little piece of my heart dies when a relationship fizzles out.

Friends of mine and I have experienced the 'losing three months' phenomenon. When you walk around in a daze for 3 months and come out the other end as though it began the day before. I came out of one once to discover I was already in another relationship! What a mistake that was:sunglass:

There is never anything nice about breakups with someone who you once loved, adored and cherished. I'm hoping I'll never have to go through another ever again.

Sometimes I ask myself it is worth it.

I'm so sorry, Merlin...but I know just how that feels. I've been thru it so many times now, I don't have a heart anymore...

Absolutely! Every person who has walked into my life has changed it in some way. I wouldn't be the person I am or have the life I do had I stayed with the first person who loved me. I regret nothing

actually that's a lie, I regret one or two but hey, silver lining and all that

Therapy, exercise, having great friends around, getting things accomplished all seem to help.

My mother died when I was 13 and I survived, so breakups..while painful...are not going to destroy me or make me not have a heart. I try to look at it like we each learned from each other what we needed to and now its time to go on the next chapter. Heart even bigger for having loved. :)

So yes, it's worth it...but definitely worth looking at ways to keep out of trouble without resorting to a hostage situation girlfriendship. At least not right this second.

Ha, we posted at same time. Agreed! I have gained something from all of my over 2 month relationships lololol.

No regrets! I need that! Thank you Q!

It's True!
 

I have experienced this. I have a lot of trouble letting relationships go, even bad relationships. I always feel that if. I. just. hang. on. a. little. bit. longer. we might fix this thing... Of course I know it's rubbish, I know I'm unhappy, I know the likelihood of it getting better is minimal, yet still I hang on as I've invested time, emotions, and wardrobe space into making it work. When I finally give up I feel relief first, then annoyance at myself for being so stupid as to let it go on too long and even more fury if I let them drain me financially before finally giving them the boot. I only grieve the people I loved (not that I'm implying you didn't love your partners).

"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."


~Pema Chodron

Thank you so very much for posting this from Pema - she is an amazing amazing human being!

She has touched my soul in many ways and her wisdom is timeless!

I have been in love and in relationships. I grieved differently each time, Because each one brought something special to me and our relatiosnhip. The relatiosnhip that brought me most pain was the one that betrayed me. I knew this women wanted someone to carry her financially she liked money and although I did my best as a husband to provided, it was not enough. After our break up I learned that she has met a women that has plenty of money.. she found a pot of Gold, I now know why she pushed our friendship away.


I feel protected by the universe, I also know that I will always be a giving,loving caring guy that is my innate nature but much wiser. I could see and feel who deserves my heart attentions and Money.

I am reading
HICH NHAT HANH
Anger

Pema Chodron
The places that Scare You.
I suggest these books

Pretty much it's exactly like this.
 

"stuck on the porn phase."

^ agree totally.

It's also a lot like this.
 

There are places I remember,all my life though some have changed. Some forever not for better,some have gone and some remain. All these places have their moments with lovers and friends I can recall. Some are dead and some are living in my life i've loved them all - The Beatles.

I am almost embarrassed to admit how long it has taken me to get over my relationship-5 years of grieving. It was not the death of a person but death of hopes, dreams, plans, shared experiences & the belief we would be together forever. In my defense (I know I do not need to defend!) we lived together 18 years. It was also my choice-not hers. I thought that would make it easier but it wasn't. I have no regrets, I learned so much from her & still love her but no longer in love with her. All of a sudden I knew I was finished grieving and could move on. Funny how life works like that!

I'm grieving right now. Sitting here at the computer, a hopeless blubbering mess.

The end of this most recent relationship has unexpectedly triggered memories of a relationship that truly, truly broke me. I not only lost my lover, I lost my best friend, our community of friends, and ten years worth of memories.


I'm grieving the person I was before this happened, when I could let people in and trust them. Now all I do is second guess myself, second guess them, and worry that I'll be abandoned again.

I know I have work to do. I've spent the last three years working very, very hard on myself, But I'm backsliding right now and it is painful.

Thanks for letting me share this.

I do agree that when there is a breakup (especially when you're with someone for awhile and you thought they were "the one") that you will grieve. It is normal. I think with this grieving period it is important to get a closure. Talk to the person if you can, understand why it didn't work. Take time to accept it. Take time for yourself. Take time to realize their mistakes and yours and move on from it growing and learning and being a better person. It doesn't mean you have to close yourself off from the world, family, and friends, but it does help to take time for yourself and figure out what went wrong and be okay with moving on. It takes time. It will make you a stronger person and in time you will be ready to open your heart again to experience and love.

On a personal note I went through this in the past year and a half. I was with someone who I thought was it for me. I wanted to make it work so bad. I wanted to be with her forever I thought. However, God doesn't always want that for you. It took me awhile to figure it out and move on from this relationship. Now, I am happy. I talk to her still. I love her and care for her still. She has a special place in my heart and always will. However, I can't control people or love. I can only have the feelings I have and trust in faith and God that things work out for reasons unknown.. and for me it's because I haven't found "the one." It is okay to have the great memories and grieve and pray for strength and faith to get through a breakup and know that better things await you. (:

((((((((((letter)))))))))) Its so hard to let go, and it turns us into a mess of emotions and self doubt and we are left to wonder why does this happen to us? I still experience grief and losing certain relationships that I thought were forever but as much as love can leave you a broken wing one day you will fly again and everything will be okay :rrose:

This is *SO* very true bro, thank you for posting it ~ sometimes we need to see it in order to be able to hear it :-)

Agree. I coped with a horrendous breakup once by jumping into a new relationship. I ended up grieving for 2 years! I knew I was better when I could finally look at my life and want something more for myself.

I haven't seen hind nor hair of my wife since last Spring. She's probably camping in a corn field waiting for the Mother Ship If anyone meets a femme who claims to be the first gay woman Jesus, that's my wife... Tell her to come home please :(

















No regrets..just love.

There are so many layers of healing I have discovered.

It is as though I were an onion, pulling/tearing off layer by layer.

The first one was the bitter pill of betrayal that repeated unfaithfulness did to both my outer layer as well as the deepest core of me.

This bitter, angry layer was healed and acceptance of what was, and choices I made, soon followed.

Somehow, I thought that once I reached peace, acceptance and the end of outward grieving; I could move on.

Only to find...

that the very core of my onion self is so scarred by all of those years, that I have truly lost the ability to trust myself, my own feelings, the love and care of another. I am so unsure that I will recognize goodness again that I am fearful if pulling off the scar tissue that protects the core of me.

My intellect tells me clearly life holds no guarantees and surely my life has proven nothing but this idiom to be true, but my emotions, that ability to once again open my heart totally and completely, are fused with that scar tissue and I fear tearing it off so much it terrifies me.

I just do not know at the point if I fear living alone for the rest of my life more than I do the fear of believing once again that I just might chose a person of goodness and worthy of my trust.

I used to know so clearly who I was and that I could make good and healthy choices for myself. I just do not trust me anymore.