Scaring straight women.. rawwrrr... lol
 

Last weekend I was on a working trip which required me to share a close space with a co-worker (I work on cruiseships, and we share an inside room). The two of us never met before, but she seemed nice and I felt it would be a great week sailing the seas! I did not openly discuss my sexuality with her initially, because, why should I?

Anyways, the first two days, we worked closely together, and she started asking me about which guys I liked in the ship, do I have a boyfriend, etc. I just blew it off, told her I am not looking, not wanting to get into my “lesbianism” with her, lol. Anyways, one night another co-worker (gay) and I were at the bar talking and she came up on our conversation about people we were dating. She looked at me funny, and I told her I was a lesbian. She immediately looked horrified and asked me “Do you think I am cute”? I knew it was downhill from there.

After that, sharing our space became a horrible awkward experience. Every time we were in the room, I could feel her looking at me out of the corner of my eye to make sure I was not looking at her changing (lol), and things of that nature. Wow, this was the first time I felt like a “Lesbian Predator”, lol. Being a femme, and being “invisible” most of the time, I have never had to deal with this. It really bothered me, so I just needed to vent.

Love you femme ladies!!
Starry
:aslpeacelove:

Sometimes I scare straight women and sometimes I just scare their husbands.

sounds fun! lol :-)

Yes, it is, and it gives me more (if thats possible!) adoration for all you beautiful, amazing butches for being who you are and having to deal with such nonsense. Hugs to all of you on the spectrum.



Starry
:pursebee:

*rolls eyes*... yeah. I thought the same thing when she asked me if I thought she was cute... um NO. I told her I liked "girls who looked like boys" (I had to go elementary on her).. she still didn't get it and was asking me if every hot girl she saw was cute. When we left, I said "peace out".. and went back to my queer folks... ahhh... I don't ever wanna leave again!! :-D

I try to have fun with the whole you "must want me cause i'm female":runforhills: thing they have going on in their narrow little minds. once they get to where the subject is even broached about whether i am attracted to them, i simply state "i have standards and you just don't meet them"..i have almost brought a few to tears with that one.:overreaction: not that i need to but, I explain why should i bother with you when there are plenty of what does meet my standards available to me, women that get me.

the part i'm not sure i get is ..normally they will start to flirt with me..WTF is that about..LOL..:|

I think part of what scares them is that they didn't see us coming. They were hanging out with us, enjoying our company, thinking that we are pretty cool - and one of them.

Finding out that their neat little definitions of us are completely wrong and that we are the dreaded "other", throws them into a narrow-minded spin.

With such people, I know longer even try to explain to them what my type is, only that it is not them. If someone is already so ignorant, they are not going to get my fondness for gender-benders. Because the next thing out of their mouths is going to be something about what I really want is a real man but I don't know it because I am fucked up in some way. AT THIS POINT - someone is about to be slapped.

Of course, different situations call for different levels of disclosure. And maybe we can educate a few people in situations like these. But sometimes, it's just useless. :byebye:

When a straight woman assumes you want every woman you see, ask her, well, do you want every man you see? Mebbe then she will get it.

Oh, and sorry for posting here since I am not a Femme, just adding a suggestion.

The irony of that is straight women come on to dykes WAY more often than we come on to them.

i like feminine women too, but i have no desire to introduce someone to lesbian sex. What she probably thinks of as lesbian sex is not the kind of sex i like.

i really have had a number of straight women just express shock that i was not interested in fucking them.

i guess they think they're doing us a favor.

How about the ones that ask if you are attracted to them then get offended when you say no. "Well why not?!!"


Sorry you have to go through this starry. Maybe she will come around and realize you are still the same person.

This exactly. With the whole queer/lgbt spectrum the general public seem to have this idea that we're all a bunch of out of control sexual predators who are just waiting to pounce on straight people. Centuries of propaganda have done their work on the heterosexual psyche...

One of the weirder experiences i had was with a friend's sister. She would not give up. She is a married straight woman. She had had two affairs with women. Apparently her husband didn't care or didn't count affairs with women to be the same. Then she lost a lesbian friend of hers by constantly hitting on her. Then she ran me off too. In between hitting on us, she bitched about her husband. i am not sure whether we were supposed to fill a need he couldn't or wouldn't, or whether she was trying to convince us that the relationship wasn't that strong.

My god that women would not take no for an answer. i had to stop going to my friend's parties and events because she would be there.

So years later, i thought it must be safe and i went to one of his parties. She was there and introduced me to someone as the woman she almost married. *shaking my head* In her dreams.

i kinda agree that this is not exactly the same as what butches deal with. There is that shock of betrayal because they assumed we were straight, and they identify with us more, find it harder to "other" us. They are more likely then to say inappropriate and intrusive things, even people who are not normally like that.

Sorry folks, it was not My intent to negate or diminish starry's experience. I apologize. I posted because her experience resonated with Me, especially when I first came out. I didn't notice this was posted in "The Femme Zone" until after I had already replied.

~Elijah

I know, Strappie. I was just venting in the femme room, cause well.. it bugged me. It was never my intent to diminish a butches experience at all! I know that I have femme privilege, and I guess I am just used to it, to be frank. I was raised in a queer household, and am pretty much surrounded by the queer community and supporters, so I have never really encountered this (besides an isolated incident that happened in the past). Femme privilege and invisibility can be a bitch tho too... but that's another thread.

Hugs to you Strap
Starry

I think it's great that you vented in the Femme Zone starry, we Femme's need to vent and have OTHER Femmes share this form of imposed intrusion. Sorry YOU had to experience this ickiness with your ignorant co worker.

Thanks!

:pursebee:

Me too... lol. Let us know!!!

I didn't see your post at all diminishing of the "butch experience." Nor do I see this as a discussion about privilege (for which there are threads), but rather an entirely separate issue unique to feminine presenting queer women.

This:
And then, also:

and

Butches, transgendered folk, we're already "othered;" we're not in the club, and so this isn't something we are likely to experience. It's not the same as the looks we get when someone decides we're in the wrong restroom. Over the years, I have heard isolated tales from femme friends; incidents like yours, starry, that speak to this acceptance (the privilege of which you spoke), then "betrayal" or shock, or objectification, and then the "othering." I hope it doesn't seem weird or inappropriate, but I suppose I was interested in seeing if your post was going to open up that discussion among the feminine women here. I really hope I'm making sense here (and probably should get out of the way of those to whom this issue is relevant).

On topic-ish
 

My biggest gripe about the "straight woman finding out I'm queer" talk is when said person meets my partner, then later says, "I don't get it, they look like a guy, whey don't you just date guys?"

OY FUCKING VEY!

Agreed! :fastdraq:

Starry

Also agreed. This one of my biggest pet peeves. I will note that I seem to get this kind of commentary less from my straight female friends and more from my male friends (be they gay or straight). Not sure why that is?

My gay male friends also do not understand, or sometimes even respect my preferences for butches. The grab femmes in bars, introduce me to them, tell me that someday I will end up with a "pretty girl" etc. Such a weird dynamic. I still love my gays tho. I accept it more coming from them, and even laugh it off. I absolutely despise it coming from the straight world... I dunno why? Maybe I need to examine that.

Starry

:aslpeacelove:

Deep thoughts and morning coffee
 

Yes. Exactly.

The situation in the OP happens to me occasionally but even more often, the straight woman (who is practically a stranger, no more than an acquaintance), upon learning of my queerness, suddenly feels entitled to ask intimate questions of the sort that they would never dream of asking other people in polite conversation. Often these questions are based in such ignorance that I feel compelled to illuminate.

I am not one to shy away from frank sexual discussion but in cases like these, I often feel like the circus freak in the eyes of the questioner which feels somehow diminishing.

I am not a spectacle, here for your amusement.

I suspect the reason they feel comfortable being inappropriate has to do with the fact that they did identify with me before I came out to them, and therefore feel some level of safety. I also believe that whether they are "afraid" I will now try to bed them OR they simply take liberties in conversation, the motivation has everything to do with their own fears and insecurities. If they liked me so much before they knew, if they identified with me, perhaps even admired me in some way - what does this now say about them? I believe most of the reactions we are discussing have to do with her trying to figure out herself in relation to me, given the new information. Curiosity is fine. Understandable. But I am still a person - who appreciates my privacy and a certain amount of etiquette among strangers and acquaintances.

I am forced to come out regularly. Again and again. I sometimes find it tiresome but generally accept it. In our society, I am "other". I am proud of who I am and who I love.

*sticks head round the door* I think all you femmes are amazing,the way you all stand by us makes me fuzzy inside.

You are amazing !!

I live in a place where there are many diverse queers and although I am most likely seen as straight initially, I have not had to deal with the kind of homophobic confrontations described here. But I have dealt with the rather odd phenomena of having straight women contact me via a few dating sites I have been on to say that they would like to talk to me about their needs/feelings about wanting to try sleeping with a woman. Has any other femme experienced this?

I have also had several straight women openly proposition me on dating sites. This is curious as I assume they'd go for more "butch" women. But who knows? I have ignored these messages since I am not in the business of talking to strangers about, nor satisfying, their queer-curiosity. It feels hugely intrusive since I'm on a dating site in order to date interesting out butches, as I clearly say.

Heart

P.S. I think this is an important discussion that has not been had before, to my recollection, and it has zip to do with butch experiences. Femmes have their own experiences.

I've experienced uncomfortable "hey what's it like to lick on *****" or just ugly come at me at a dinner table cause I'm queer and want to have deep conversations on what it's like to be with women.

I don't mind sharing, answering questions sometimes though the straight women can be intrusive and down right crude with their questions and it almost feel like I am under a microscope so I won't participate if their intent is coming off that way.

Other than that straight girls stay away, I'm pretty Queer, as soon as I open my mouth you can tell I'm nothing like a straight woman.

As for measuring our experiences to that of butches.

I don't like it when we (Femmes) try to have conversations within our zone and then butches/guys come in with the whole "now you know" thing.

I don't nor will I my experiences as a Femme are different, still VALID, still REAL, they are what WE (Femmes) go through and sometimes we just wanna talk about it amongst ourselves and get tips or just have someone with commonality *listen*

I'm truly sorry this happened to you starry, sometimes it's hard to maneuver relationships with straight folk at work and other places, they have all the space in the world to be straight where we do not. I would definitely keep a journal of the happenings for work purposes in case this woman attempts to act out or continue to be weird and make your work space weird.

Thanks for sharing.:)

Of course we experience things differently.

I did get a bit of a bad taste in my mouth when I read now you know what we go through.

It's not a p*ssing contest to see who has had a rougher deal in life.

I never said it was a pissing contest.

This is the FEMME zone, so it's intrusive to have butches/guys shame us on our experience. This was supposed to be space designed where Femme's could come and discuss their trials and tribulations in the world, with one another, etc etc.