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How do you communicate when you're angry?
OK, I've been looking around for a bit to see where I could post this and I didn't see anything. If there's a better place for this question to live I'm sure a mod can move it :)
------------------------ So, here's a shocker. My SO and I communicate very differently. It's usually not an issue. But when one of us gets angry there's a huge problem. I don't say a word. She screams it to the high heavens. ... I did mention we communicate differently ;) She gets in a temper quick. It boils, her mind races, scenarios play out before her eyes and before either of us know it she's slamming doors and yelling. She can't sit with her anger. And the only way she can force herself to express herself, to push past the emotions and find her voice, is seemingly to yell. I'm have a mild temperament. Too much so probably. Many things just do not bother me. But even if something does bother me, I take someone's intentions into consideration and roll it over in my mind before I'll speak up about it -- if I ever speak up. If people yell I walk away and hide -- and probably cry. We're both broken birds with baggage. But how do you communicate if one can only yell and the other can only shiver and cry? My SO said she has a book she read years ago called The Dance of Anger and she's going to re-read it and see if she can find any ideas for us. My temporary fix is if she's going to yell she's going to have to do it in the office with the door shut. LOL. But I guess mostly, I'm curious. How do some of you handle anger? Does anyone else out there have issues similar to either of ours? If so, how have you handled communication in relationships? |
It reall depends on how ths anger issue comes up,most of the time I have a stree strikes and u r out thing,Dureing this time I will usely do my best to see why we have this problem and can we fix it.Then if that dosent work I will simply leave for a while but not before I say my peace as calmly as I can.If its a full on personal attack,im going to ignore it cause it may be for some reason im not aware of and not really the problem,but if the person who did it dosent stop,I want to know why and what gives them the right to do that..if things done change they are out of my life..right then and there.Its a whole nuther thing when it becomes physical,im going to do my best to not let it do that but rest ashure if it is physical whom ever starts it and dosent back off..is in for the whompoing of theire life.If someone messes with my family..all bets are off..it will not be good,they who ever they are, will not win.
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I don't really know what part of our brain or our chemistry controls our temper. I do believe for the most part how we communicate our anger is a learned behavior. We either continue to do what we have learned gets results or we reevaluate ourselves and teach ourselves a better way to display or communicate anger.
It took me years to learn to control my temper and how to direct my anger when my temper flared up. Which in my younger years was often. These days when I am angry, which is rarely, I step away for a bit. Go do something else, wash dishes pick up limbs, whatever. I never engage my tongue when I am angry. Two reasons for that, I am a master at comebacks and anything anyone might say to me in an argument I can quickly comeback and cut them to the bone with my tongue and that is not nice, so I be quiet. The other reason is because anything that comes over my lips can NEVER be taken back. It's out there to be thrown back in your face over and over or for you to ponder over and over why did I say that. The best thing to do is keep quiet and think until you settle down emotionally and mentally. I'm not listening to a bunch of yelling. I'm not deaf. I also would not allow slamming drawers and doors in my home nor throwing things. These things could possibly cause me to lose my cool and revert back to the old stupid me, which would not make me proud of myself in the days to come. The bottom line is I have to live with my yesterdays decisions, every day I wake up. Everyday I have to wake up and decide if I like the man in the mirror. If any morning that answer is no, then probably I was ugly to someone the day before and need to apologize and try to do better. |
I'm the kind of person where if I so get angry, I tend to repress it because most of My life thats what I've done. One of the biggest drawbacks about living at home with my father is that he is very good at making Me repress any anger that I may feel towards him, especially since his attitude is only he is allowed to get angry and no one else is. He has always said that if I don't like what he has to say, then there is the door I can leave. I've had to repress My feelings time and time again, so whether I'm angry or upset I generally keep it inside ~ I know thats not good but luckily after abit of time it goes away
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i completely shut down & withdraw.. and i ask for space until i feel grounded again..
after some time... i'm very hesitant, but i communicate... with arms folded and my discerned self. after a while, when the dust settles, i'm more at peace with myself. however, the relationship between this person and myself has changed. |
I'm the type of person that likes to talk about it right then and there and figure out a solution. That does not fare so well if I have a partner that wants space and time to think about it and is upset with me. I don't like to go to bed angry and upset without a conclusion. The last person I was with would hold a grudge, not talk to me, ignore me, and not be intimate if we had a fight. I hated that, it pissed me off more. Her and I did not do well when it came to disagreements thus our relationship was one of off and on for 5 years and decided that we would never agree anyway. It sucked. I say you have to come to some agreement. I tried to give her the space and time she needed but to feel neglected and ignored just made it worse for me, like she didn't care enough to figure out a solution and talk about it. Then when we tried to talk about a disagreement we each would try to point out why one was right and the other was wrong. Sometimes, old arguments get dragged into the new argument and that doesn't help anything at all and just heaves blows to the other person. I think what's important is just agree to disagree and make sure you each know you still love each other. There is gonna be tough times and disagreements and you have to get through them to make it work. Definitely do not bring up old fights or disagreements and do not, I repeat do not call names or say anything you will regret later.
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I'm a quiet withdrawn type of gy. I don't do confrontation well. I prefer to walk away usually and work my thoughts out, etc. I've always been partnered with yellers and those that tantrum (huge turn off for me)!! I have only had one person that was able to keep me in the moment even though I wanted to pullback.
I was given many suggestions about this with my breath therapist... The one I found worked best for me was to find another means of communication. Writing it out on paper (passing notes)... at least till the angered one can settle down some. It maintains an open line of communication and yet doesn't overwhelm the quiet one. Good luck... it's a tough situation but if the love is truly there it can be worked through. |
For me, I’m mostly fairly laid back – I hate confrontation, but, there are times when I need to release the energy of the anger. I get angry and frustrated with myself at times – I go quiet, cry and want time alone to re-establish my inner balance, again.
It depends on what/why I’m feeling angry – if it’s at inanimate objects that are in my way because I’m rushing and short on time, sometimes I can lose my temper and throw them........Arrggh! Coat hangers are th bain of my life! LOL! If someone has insulted me, is blaming me for something that they refuse to take responsibility for and the fault is entirely theirs, and they are shouting at me, then I will shout back and say what I feel. Being an emotional person I feel things deeply - mostly I just shake and cry. There were a few times with two previous partners where I had to defend myself from physical abuse. I’m not proud of that fact, but, on one occasion I was dragged down the hallway by my feet with kicks to my back – I had no choice but to physically stop her before she paralysed me! It was a bad relationship, emotionally I wasn’t in a good place either and for a few years after these two relationships I reacted badly in an argument. Unless I’m being met with abuse, now, I hardly ever react in such a way. I try to make sure I steer clear of such people. Sometimes I feel so hurt that I can't always communicate how I'm feeling and my anger is that fact - time alone to work through my feelings means I can express myself in a calmer manner when talking. It also usually boils down to is; many people see me as this ‘totally together woman’ who has all the answers – I don’t! I have a lot of life experiences, and sometimes others project their insecurities onto me and expect me to sort all their problems for them – I can’t and I won’t! We all have our own inner demons to battle for whatever reasons and we don’t always handle ourselves and our emotions in the best ways – we’re human and flawed, this is often forgotten . |
I don't express my anger very often, which can be problematic. Usually if someone gets angry and starts yelling at me I don't say anything to them and ignore them. I've gotten pretty good at blocking people out and kind of retreating to my own little world. If something makes me angry, more often than not I'll replay a thousand different scenarios in my head where I do go and yell at a person for what they've done to make me angry. Doing that makes me angrier and puts me in the kind of mood where I don't exactly communicate well (usually short responses and trying to avoid as much communication as possible with others), but rarely pushes me to actually go and do it.
When I do actually express my anger it gets really uncontrollable, probably because it's been boiling for a while. Especially if its a situation where someone has tried to manipulate me. Usually what keeps me from anger is the fact that I often feel sorry for people even if they've done something wrong to me. So I find it hard to really rip into them, because I feel like the only reason they did it is because they have little self-analytical ability and self-esteem. But when I find someone's trying to manipulate me, I often forget any kind of pity. Manipulation is where I draw the line. |
One of my favorite anger quotes
In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.Buddha
Years ago, I took a conflict management for women course for my job. I learned that conflict is inevitable and if you repress your anger or hold it in, it will come out eventually as passive-aggressive behavior. So, I try to get it out on the table and talk about it, keeping in mind the above quote. |
Oh, boy. This is a loaded topic for me. I am Italian, with the traditional temperament that accompanies that bloodline. I have also had some really horrible examples growing up of communication styles. I've done a lot of work and I'm much better than I was in my youth but I've still got a long way to go. I can honestly say that I will always be 'high strung' and 'excitable' but I do hope to find better ways to communicate without alienating my partner and/or making an ass out of myself.
The little stuff is like a firework for me. Sizzle for a second, then boom and it's all over. The big stuff that is incredibly meaningful to me simmers like a big pot of sauce (gravy for the old schoolers) until, over a long period of time, it boils over. Everyone involved gets some of the splatter in that case. When I hold things in, whether intentionally or by conditioning, when the snapping point comes, it comes hard and fast and I can't measure it. So, I can't say that I need to step away or if I recognize that it's coming and I try to walk away, it's too late. Diarrhea of the mouth. I can get out the little stuff on my own and without incident, most of the time. I mutter in the car or put on my headset (not in the car, at home or on break at work) and let the music soothe the savage beast. Sometimes, little stuff becomes big stuff. I'm difficult to live with. I know this and I try to keep that in mind, especially since Ebon and I have such different living styles. When I'm single, I'm very neat and tidy. I don't leave dishes in the sink unless they've been rinsed but are soaking, I don't leave clothes on the floor, I don't let the carpet go for more than 2-3 without a vacuum, etc. Living with someone who is not as much of a tidy person is frustrating for both of us. We both make concessions. However, when the same limit is pushed over and over, no matter how little it is, it becomes big and thus my response grows in size and volume. I admit that I am a yeller. I don't start out that way. If I felt that I am heard and that my opinion matters, then that keeps things positive and the volume down. If I feel as if I'm talking to a brick wall over and over an over again, I'm going to get pissed. I'm going to get super frustrated and I'm going to eventually start yelling, because....at that time....I feel as if maybe that's the only way to be acknowledged. I know that I am a very flawed human being. Having said that though, you all should have seen me BEFORE I did the work I did. It wasn't pretty. :blink: |
It depends on who I am trying to communicate with.
If it's my partner, and I am really angry, I usually cry and talk at the same time. A lot gets accomplished. (sarcasm) If I am in a professional setting. I become quiet. Walk away, and compose myself, and my thoughts, so the crying while talking does not happen. Things in between, my non verbals usually let the other person (or people) know I'm excited. My face becomes red, my eyes get big and in general I have more animation. I say what I have to say and I get over it quickly. On the telephone, surprisingly, I maintain complete composure. I had too many years of people doing the telephone bravado stuff on me. I made many mental notes to never do that to a person. Honey gets more flies than vinegar (idiom). It's true. |
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i appreciate your post :) |
after re-reading my post here. i'm thinking "wow, i seem / appear like a bitch."
when i'm not! a part of me likes to get it out in the open and talk about it, while maintaining my sense of self worth, and being in a centered / grounded space. and a part of me does like to walk away, but not for long. i'll usually say "i need to leave the room, but i will be right back." and when i do come back, i'm ready to communicate. i feel better now... :) |
The Quiet Storm...
It has been awhile for me in that I have been single for many years and therefore have no one that is close enough to govern my mood.
However...I have never been one to get angry...but rather...I get disappointed. I do not yell. I do not throw things. I do not utter words designed to hurt as they are left there hanging in our hearts and minds. Never to be forgotten...and unable to be stricken from the record. When at odds with my partner...she would rake me over the coals...and I would listen. When she had her say...I either apologized for my idiotic behaviors...or attempted to defend myself. Regardless the situation...it was done calmly and with mutual respect. Should we find ourselves unable to rectify our turmoil at that moment...I would drive. I would tell her I was going for a drive and would return when my thoughts had been sorted. She knew this and would often hand me the car keys with instructions to 'go think'. This offered me time to allow issues to marinate...and she was amenable to this method. While she sometimes needed to raise her voice...she came to understand I did not and I like to think she liked that about me. I was very lucky to have had one that so understood I was a calm..quiet...thinking sort. She knew I was not one given to overt displays of anger or disappointment and allowed me the time needed to attempt to see both sides of the issue. I understand the differences in which people communicate. I hope one day...should I be lucky enough to love again...I will find one that affords me the 'comfortable argument' (that sounds strange doesn't it?). If not...I suppose I will just have to avoid moronic behaviors and disappointment...in both myself...and her. Should be do-able right? |
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It's weird how two people raised completly different can be some what the same... I was raised in a very restrained household when everything was fine and no one was angry, until they were... Then all hell broke loose... I pretty well react exactly the same as up above... Music saves me and others around me.. Also, I communicate better via the written word... If I can have the time to write out everything then it comes out better... I've really had to work HARD at the yelling business... It invokes some pretty nasties for my girl... So I've tried really hard to modify that particular reaction... I need room to decompress before I can talk more about the hard stuff... It's hard to get that room sometimes... My girl is a let's talk EVERYTHING out until it is all crystle clear... I'm a Let me think about why I feel the way I do and I'll get back to you after I have processed... I'm an emotional creature... What I'm pissed off about MAY NOT be why I am angry... I need to really dig in and find the root... If I react without taking the time to really think about it, well, it's never pretty and alway messy... It takes more work to do damage control than if I just had though about why I feel the way I do and then respond/react.... |
not perfect
If I'm angry, I need time to walk away and sort my thoughts out. Usually the first thing I want to do is figure out whether or not what I'm angry about...is actually worth being angry about. If it is, I need to be able to think it out before speaking about it. Trying to get me to talk before I'm ready will only result in bitchy, passive aggressive comments.
Unfortunately, years of my family telling me I'm "too sensitive" has led to me thinking it's all in my head, so I don't express anger often and frequently when I do, I blow up. This method works about as well as you'd expect- not at all. |
Thank you all for your comments, they were well written and insightful and helpful. My SO and I have such a good thing going. But we definitely react differently with our anger. It scared the bejeezus out of me the first time I really ever saw her get good-n-mad -- I'd never been around anyone who allowed themselves to get LOUD and/or verbal when they were angry -- too many past relationships were the brooding, silent, passive aggressive types.
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Sometimes I have a problem. If it is a trigger...one of my triggers? The dam wall breaks and I react from deep pain. If it isnt an issue ..? I can handle whatever with a cool head.
I am now learning to be less punitive with my affirmations. Instead of leaving a note for myself saying. "Dont say things you will regret" I have one that says "admit feeling vulnerable about something" |
I don't get angry at the other person. I turn it inward and usually hurt myself as I cry and sputter to myself calling myself all sorts of names. There are times I just don't say or do anything. I won't do the ignoring route because that is how my mom is and I know how it feels to be not spoken to or even acknowledged for a day or longer.
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I don't yell or throw tantrums, but I do have strong feelings and I show them directly and honestly. I have a high expectation that my partner will do her very best to stay present and engaged when we have a disagreement. I don't think it's always easy for Pete.
I am a big fan of self awareness, so if my partner needs to walk away and take some time, I think that's great. I have deep respect and love for the effort made to learn what is comfortable and relationship building. I struggle with my own reactive behaviors, and I have worked on my knee jerk responses a lot, but there are definitely times when I don't have self awareness that I am responding to my father or sister or ex, for example, and it is my responsibility to apologize in the most genuine way I can, as soon as I can. |
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I really have to be pushed to the limit before my anger rears it's up! |
I am very expressive. Even without words you will know how I feel. I speak loudly when I’m upset or when I’m trying to make a point even though that is not my intention. I don’t think I’m yelling, but I’ve been told many times over the years “Don’t yell” or “Stop screaming.” So I’m going to accept that I must be raising my voice even when I think I am not. I suppose that is not likely to change until I get better at hearing myself. But I have taken some responsibility for the ways in which I express my feelings during an argument or when I am angry.
When I was younger it was very difficult for me to control my temper. It even took me a few years as an adult to figure out that I should even try. Anger and rage were the only emotions I felt comfortable expressing. And I believed I had a right to express myself, as long as I wasn’t abusive, regardless of the effect on others. Luckily for me, and it may have been my only saving grace at the time, I have always had the ability to look at myself honestly and to own my shit. After a couple of years in a long term relationship I began to feel uncomfortable with certain ways I would behave during arguments or when I was angry at something. That was the first step. The next step was a little more difficult. Understanding that there is more to admitting my behavior is unacceptable than just saying “I’m sorry” or “I should have handled that situation better” was a challenge for me. I was able to say I’m sorry I yelled but there was always a justification after. I believed that because I was so upset I couldn’t help raising my voice or saying things I didn’t exactly mean. It took time for me to figure out that sorry implies wrong doing on the part of the person offering the apology and inherent in admitting you did something wrong is a promise to change. It makes absolutely no sense to say you’re sorry and then to continue doing the same thing. And I also realized that saying or believing I couldn’t help acting this way because of my abusive childhood or the abusive and dysfunctional relationships I witnessed growing up was a cop-out. And a lie. One I was trying to sell to myself. Of course I could help it. Why wouldn’t I be able to help it? If I couldn’t help it then who the hell could? It was ME behaving that way. And it was only me who could change that behavior and chose to behave another way. I wasn’t out of my own control, even though I told myself I was. That’s just ludicrous. No-one is beyond their own control. If I couldn’t control myself then who could? There’s not much I can control in this world, as matter of fact there is nothing I can control in this world, BUT myself. It took time. I think it was a combination of being able to look inward and just growing older that allowed me to make some progress with my temper. It was also my desire to love and to show compassion that helped me to initiate some changes. I started to examine what I meant when I said “I love you.” Did I see love as only a feeling? If love was just a feeling I had about another how would it be possible for the person I loved to feel love from me? They could feel their love for me, but how could they feel my love for them? That’s when it dawned on me that the only way a person can know how much I love them is through my actions toward them. If my actions didn’t express love then it didn’t matter what my words said. That was a revelation. Then I asked myself, did I only love the person when they behaved in ways that were acceptable to me? I decided that of course not, I loved them regardless. However, when I’m angry I don’t behave in a loving way. Yet I don’t want to cause pain or to hurt the person I love, even when I am angry at them. I want them to know I love them, to feel I love them even when they piss me off. So my next step was to try to figure out how come even when I meant to show love and compassion I was unable to do it when I got really angry. The clue for me was in the singularity of my emotions. I couldn’t possibly only always be angry when someone did something to me. That’s when I realized that a lot of what I was feeling was hurt. The person had hurt me. And I was incapable of dealing with hurt and sadness. I preferred anger and rage. Over time I got comfortable with feeling hurt and expressing that feeling to the person who hurt me. I was dumbfounded by how disarming sharing my hurt with the person I loved really was. It definitely changed the emotionally charged atmosphere to a less lethal one. Not that saying someone has hurt you stops an argument. It’s not a get out of disagreeing free card. But it is an emotion that allows more room for open engagement. Anger is often so big, especially if it is the only emotion you allow yourself to show the other, that it leaves little room for compromise, compassion or even conversation. Showing someone you are hurt does make you more vulnerable and certainly less threatening so it takes a certain amount of trust to be able to verbally express your pain as hurt. But it got easier once I figured out that saying, whether unconsciously to myself or out loud by my actions, that I was NOT hurt and I was NOT vulnerable did not in any meaningful way make me less hurt and less vulnerable. The reality is that I would remain hurt and vulnerable regardless of my actions. When a loved one does something to cause you pain you are hurt. When you love you are vulnerable. End of story. No amount of acting like it isn’t so makes a damn bit of difference. That was a game changer for me. I believe when you tell someone you love them, they have a right to have some expectations of you. My wife is someone who I have professed to love on many occasions. I made some very specific promises on our wedding day. Promises I meant with all my heart. I have tried to explain to her the depth of my feelings often and yet I love her even more than I could ever express. Therefore it is only logical that she believes that I do love her very much and that I will always treat her with compassion and respect. I want her to keep believing this. She deserves to have this kind of love. She deserves someone to love her this way. I try very hard to be the person she deserves. I wish I could say I do that always, but sometimes I feel like my need to express my anger outweighs my need to express my love. On those occasions I try to remember to look at my wife. To look in her eyes, to really look and see what she is feeling and then to ask myself if this is what I want to make her feel. I am often capable now of letting stuff go. I could never do that before. I thought it was imperative that an issue be resolved. I think now that if I can let it go that is a kind of resolution in itself. When it’s something I can’t let go of, then I need to work it out with my wife. But no matter how annoyed or pissed off I am, no matter how hurt or disappointed, I can usually manage to remind myself in the middle of it all that this woman is not my enemy, she is, in fact, the person I love above all others. And that, regardless of what I am feeling at the moment, she is the woman who has shown me love, kindness and compassion beyond measure. That doesn’t mean we are not going to disagree or that I am not going to try to get my way when I think it is important for me to do so. It doesn’t mean that I am never going to feel anger at my wife. However, it does mean that I am going to stay aware of who I am disagreeing with and how much she means to me and what kind of treatment she deserves from me as well as what kind of treatment I deserve to receive from her. It also means that I am not going to focus on being right or making her wrong. I am going to look for the compromise that takes the least away from each of us. And I’m going to do my damnedest to remain as loving as possible while staying true to myself. |
It takes quite a bit to get me angry, so if there's a problem building up I usually discuss it with whomever I have the problem with. If it's something that's written to me in an email, I can sometimes get verbally harsh, but never name calling.
If it's someone causing problems with my kids I'm a momma bear, so back off..lol. |
just "the look" thats always enough
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It takes quite a bit to get me really angry...and when I do, I will become very quiet and I've been told that I sound very cold and detached when I speak (defense mechanism). I will try to talk it out...but sometimes there comes a point where I just need to walk away (usually at the point where things have sunk to where we are either yelling, or getting ready to yell, at each other). I have told this to anyone I have ever been in a relationship with. If I get to the point where I need to walk...they need to let me go! The worst thing anyone can do to me is to try to prevent me from leaving...it makes me feel trapped and panicky. I will come back, and we will continue our discussion, however, at that point I am beyond listening, and if we both start to argue and yell, then NO ONE is listening. So, just let me walk...and cool off...and collect my thoughts. Usually when I come back I am in a MUCH better mood, and whatever the issue is will be resolved calmly and quietly.
When I was younger, my way of dealing with anger was entirely different. I have a very sharp tongue. And I would use it to slice at the person's weak spot, saying the most hurtful, painful thing I could think of. I learned this behavior from my mother. And I also learned that it was the one thing I could use against her. So..it became my weapon of choice when angry for a long time. As I matured, I realized that this was an ineffective and cruel way to deal with anger and, although it took some serious soul searching and work, I managed to change. I feel much better about the way I deal with anger now...it is much less damaging to me, and to those I care for. |
For years I thought I was an angry, irrational, overly-emotional person. Only then I fell in love with someone who talks things out with me, listens to my point of view when I'm upset, and really cares about how I feel.
I very rarely get upset or raise my voice now, even when he's in a mood and being an @rse :tease: |
I am very easily hurt, but it takes someone very determined to make me angry. BUT...if I reach angry get out of my way, and stay out of my way until I tell you it's safe to be near me again.
Once I have regained sanity (some say I never get there, LOL) then I am able to talk and discuss any and all issues. |
A holiday resolution -- no yelling allowed
So, after a lot of processing and reading all of the feedback here... here's where I'm at...
I definitely can understand being so angry one doesn't want to talk. I've been there. But I usually acknowledge that I need time to think and process and then remove myself from the situation. My SO says that she has the right to vent when she is angry. She says if she doesn't get it off her chest it will only get worse. I can understand that. What I can't understand is the need to scream and yell, drag up old arguments and get derogatory, lashing out verbally. If I make an attempt to walk away she gets angrier because I'm "walking away" instead of talking. If I try to talk and I make sense she gets mad and derails the argument with the yelling and "trash talking" (her words, not mine) -- I don't call it talking trash, I call it insulting the person you say you love. I've decided this behavior is her way of attempting to "win" the argument. Walking away isn't an option because it allows ME time to regroup. Talking reasonably is only allowed if she's getting her way. And screaming and insulting me is a way to disarm me so that I'll withdraw and acquiesce to whatever her demands because it alarms me so much I'll do anything to make it stop. I've drawn a line. She's not allowed to scream at me. She's not allowed to insult me. And now I'm walking on egg shells. I've been very clear. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. And it's my sincere wish that she's taken my words to heart and makes an obvious effort modify her behavior the next time she loses her temper. But mostly, I'm very, very sad that 18 months into this relationship this is where we are. But at least I have some resolve and a plan. I have a little cash in the bank stuck back for Xmas so now I'm scaling back gift purchases in case I end up homeless for the holidays. So, if you've read this far, I'm sorry for the ramble. LOL. But the point was, if you have some positive vibes to spare for a stranger you only know online, I could sure use them. :) Thanks, -S |
I didn't say it's right...................
I Bitch, Piss, Moan & Swear A LOT..........I walk away...........then I clearly look at the situation................make my any necassary apolpgy and talk calmly about how I feel. (I'm french & irish what can I say)
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I'm glad you have a plan. It's awful to live on tenderhooks with someone you love. |
....sometimes, I just stamp my foot :)
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I'm generally a brewer. I hold it in and try to 'let it go' but instead it builds until BOOM - and it can be the smallest thing that breaks the camels back, so to speak, and not the original problem. Once I've blown though I'm usually over it pretty quick and then feel extremely remorseful. But of course the damage is done by then. I'm a yeller *embarrassed*. The other half and I always talk things through though so we have rarely gone to bed angry with each other. I know I should talk about what is bothering me before it gets to that point but Im not very good at communicating that sort of stuff and sometimes even Im not aware that I was bothered until too late. Weird I know. Whether Im angry or she is (she has a different kind of attack to me!) I think the most important thing is to talk about it once you have both calmed down. Also the 'angry' times are few and far between. The good stuff far outweighs the stressful times. |
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It is difficult to change one's behavior but not impossible. I have always found it easier to do this when someone, preferably someone I love, makes it clear to me exactly what I am doing that is distressing to them. Then I can focus on finding a comfortable option that works for both of us. It seems you have done this for your partner. Her screaming and insulting you no longer works for you. Sounds easy enough on paper. How we react when angry and upset becomes almost reflex though. She will need to come up with a strategy that she can implement when she becomes angry that works for her. Something to replace what she has done in the past. She may be somewhat resistant initially because she probably hasn't come to the same conclusion as you. You feel her behavior no longer works for you, if it ever did. She may still be under the impression that you are alone in this. She may feel the behavior still works for her. Perhaps if she can see that clearly the behavior is really not working for her at all because it may cost her someone she loves. To my mind that is not a behavior that works. Maybe you both need to come up with strategies for when you fight or disagree. Maybe she should be the one to walk away since she hates it when you do it. Or maybe she needs to learn to let you go. Perhaps you could not argue at all about anything until a specific time each week that you can set aside for just this purpose. Or just agree to not try to discuss an issue until you are both calm. And if during the discussion one of you feels uncomfortable or incapable of controlling their anger then the discussion needs to stop until you can discuss calmly. Or whatever you feel will work for you both. Change isn't easy. It takes work and it takes patience. But it can be done. It's a process. Don't expect miracles. It's a series of small successes. Nothing happens overnight. If the relationship is worth it to you both then that's half the battle. If it's not worth the cost, and there is always a cost, there is no shame in that either. If your SA needs someone who will stand there and allow her to scream and insult them then perhaps you are not the person for her. But before she decides that is the case she might want to examine why anyone would allow themselves to be screamed at and insulted. And even more importantly why she thinks they should. Also you both get to define your own relationship for yourselves. What works for you both may not work for anyone else. Don't let others define how your relationship should work. There are always a plethora of people willing to tell you what you should or should not do in a relationship. The specifics of your relationship are not the domain of anyone else. As long as you both feel loved, respected, safe and happy that's a pretty good relationship. Listen to yourself. Both of you. Be true to yourselves and hopefully in the end your truths will match. I wish you both the best of luck. |
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I load my 20 gauge and stand on the porch. lol sorry couldnt resist!
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But, sometimes i don't. But, sometimes i do. Actually i usually do or i found if i wait long enough, be patient long enough. Everything comes full circle...isn't that just lovely? But, when i'm mad in the heat of the moment, it is best for me to walk away and think. I used to be quick to say things i shouldn't but i've learned. Walk away...think about it. Look at things objectively. Ugggg. I hate the fact that i've grown up....somewhat. :) |
If its someone I don't know or care about I might blow up. I don't really harbor the anger but will rip you a new asshole if you fuck with me. If I love and care about you then I'll step away, think things over and decide the weight of them and or the best course of action.
I am the type of person that can get angry, blow up and in an hour its as if it never happened. I totally move on. I might be a bit more form with deception tho and although I forgive I rarely forget. |
Naaa if I blow up, then I'm mad for a bit. I am beginng to think it depends on how often I am in contact and in how close quarts I have to be with the person and of course what they've done to upset me. Normally I'm good to go after a few hours but not always. Sometimes I am glad I don't even have to see the person for a week or month or year. Give me an hour or two to sort it out and I'll be back to normal.
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sometimes we need to be in the moment of anger. it may very well be our stand-up for ourselves time. say what we feel but we know there's a line. we certainly can't let it get to mental and physical abuse. and, sometimes we need to just walk away. balance. i wish you well, sassy. |
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