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What are your three non-negotiables (in a relationship)?
I think everyone should have at least a few things that they have to have (in a realtionship) to keep the home fires burning and have a little slice of joy in your lives together. I have a few and I know, my S.O. does also. But our have-to's are very different. I'm interested in what works for others. Please share your thoughts of what works and/or would work for you. Thanks
ps. will share mine a little later, i'm late for an appointment) but thinking about how these can change as we become older.. |
Great thread!
My 3 non-negotiables, learned the hard, painful way:
1. Total, absolute honesty-no matter how difficult it may be. Not the kind of honesty that says: "Why yes, your ass looks as wide as the Golden Gate bridge in those jeans". This actually could be said differently and still be honest- " I just love how you look in those jeans you wore the other day- so hot on you". I digress: honesty is the cornerstone of a healthy, functional relationship. To me. Period. 2. Fidelity. Once the "I love you, only you, no cheating in this relationship" has been stated: Honor it or get the fuck out. Note to self: make damn sure you actually follow through with consequences, if this should rear it's ugly head in your next relationship. No more second, third (lost count in last long-term relationship) chances. Zip, nada. I have regained my balls, so-to-speak. 3. Kindness, affection, empathy, sense of humor, flexibility, mutual respect and regular, hot sex- are all rolled into #3. They are all equally important to me. This is not asking for too much is it? :) |
Mine~
1. Daddy-Girl (but I'm no pushover, I have to RESPECT you) 2. Able to manage finances (this does not mean you have to have a lot of money, but good at managing however much we make) 3. Passionate/Intense Hys~ 1. Good cook 2. Affectionate/Thoughtful/Obedient 3. Good Hygiene |
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Thank you for the good thread
1) Integrity
2) Intelligence 3) A fine sense of humor. |
SoNotHer
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3 Musts for me:
1. MUST be a stable adult: For me, this means they have a checking account, a stable place to live, and a job of some sort. This doesn't have to mean they have tons of money but it does mean that they would pay their car insurance over buying a new xbox if it came down to it. 2. They must be hella smart with a wicked sense of humor. Smart enough to call me on my shit and funny enough to poke at the irony of it in the first place. 3. They must be honest in every way. |
I am not going to say honesty, good sense of humour, good hygiene, etc because those are givens. If I have to expect them then that means some people expect me not to expect them and frankly, thats a non reality...
so..here are my three 1) no active addiction raging. I dont care if you are addicted to Build A Bears, get it under control, go to a 12 step meeting for it, admit you are powerless over the damn stuffing and then we can talk. I am working on MINE, so I cant afford to let you not be working on yours too if you have an addiction! 2) you have a purpose in life. There has to be some reason you were put on this earth and to wake up every day. And dont say its to love of me. Thats a given if you are in a relationship with me. I want to see motivation, passion, a drive, etc. Maybe its to feed the feral cats in the park. Or to build a bridge so people can have a clean water supply. Or maybe you want to collect comic books. Great! Just dont have nothing. 3) be a genteel gentleman in the truest sense of the archetype. I dont tolerate poor speech. Slouching pants. Offensive language. Ambigious dating practices. If I have to guess if we are out on a date, because you arent opening doors, smiling and looking into my eyes and holding my attention by the cologne you are wearing, as well as the conversation we are having, we arent getting past the date to get into a relationship. |
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Only 3? Crikey! ….Umm…. No smoking, heavy drinking or use of illicit or prescription drugs where they are an addiction and not for genuine medical purposes. This IS a dealbreaker! Good personal hygiene….that includes clothes, shoes as well as your body! Honesty and open intimate communication….I don’t just mean sexually intimate communication, but, about feelings, thoughts, opinion, ideas, hopes, dreams, desire, fears, etc. Don’t twist what has been said to suit your own means because what I’ve said has triggered a past event or you don't like it! I don’t want perfection (that’s boring!), but, accept that we are all a work in progress in life and that we all make mistakes and not to be afraid to openly talk about them with me….I WILL NOT reject you! (Unless you are abusive, but, that's a given!) ….Sneaking another 2 in here, if I may….? Faithfulness…. I might not be the most beautiful or the sexiest woman. I may not have the perfect body, yet, I am a GREAT choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not – I’m not perfect, yet, I am me! If that is not good enough, and you feel the need for ‘extra’ in your life, I have no problem ending the relationship. Respect….If you cannot respect yourself, you won’t respect me or anyone else and I will not be disrespected! |
My 3 things....
Kind/Nice Respectful Funny I don't care about cheating, money, even honesty any more...I need someone who is nice, funny and treats me with respect and is really really really laid back. |
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1. Addiction can sadly include the computer (BFP :(, Farmville etc) if you would rather get your strokes from online we got a problem.... 2. Motivation and passion has to include some action....dont just tell me you are all about something...if you arent doing something towards it then its just talk to me... 3. I have been in a a relationship where someone would have to guess if the other person was my partner, because they didnt believe in PDA...it's so much nicer when someone sees us together they see the love between us and I am not talking about over the top things that would make one say "get a room" All the above of course is in addition to the obvious, honesty, fidelity, respect, humor, a job, shared house duties etc....I am happy :) |
Honesty, trust and sincerity is a given on any relationship for me but the three important things are (in no specific order):
1. Goal-oriented: Have a purpose or a goal that motivates you (excluding me) lol 2. Independent: These are the most attractive and interesting women in my opinion. 3. Intellectual: You can rock my body but if you don't rock my mind..it isn't happening for us :) Bottom line I will be your :king: and you will be my :princess: but neither of us walks in front or behind..we rule together side by side :cheer: |
It's a hard question because I'll think of ten things that do really matter to me by the time I post this... okies, here we go.
1. A stable personality... that comes out that way, if you say six different things depending on your mood we have a big problem right there, I need to know where someones really coming from without having to read between the lines or compare all your statements and guess which one is the overall truth. 2. Honesty everywhere it really counts, if you're lying to me to hide something, trust me I know what the truth is and now you're not only an XYZ but also a liar... I can forgive, understand live with a lot... but if you lie to me about it that is actually like, two strikes every time. 3. Can discuss even a heated difference like an adult, if you deflect, never own your actions, blame everybody but yourself etc etc. yada hey or resort to a nasty personal attack because you've bullshitted yourself into a corner then just do yourself a favor forget it before you even open your mouth... I'm a very forgiving and understanding person... and I've actually put up with and ignored some of this shit more than I should have, but I've been around the block more than twice, and I just have lost all tolerance at this point in my life for the bs. (and I was right, I could go on and on about now, lol ;) |
It is very interesting to me how my non-negotiables have changed over the years from wanting complete fidelity to just plain someone I get along with.
I mean, who cares if they cheat if we can't even have a conversation without hurting each other's feelings? :praying: |
Femme is a given.
1. Kind, compassionate and loving. 2. Respectful. This includes honesty and respecting boundaries. 3. Intelligent and geeky. Cause that's hot. Because I can't just put 3: 4. Strong in herself. That means a girl who is able to clearly state her needs and stand up for herself. I don't want to be with someone who sacrifices her needs and wants for mine. I want to have a relationship where we both compromise and negotiate so that we both get our needs and wants met, equally. 5. Strong chemistry and sexual compatibility. It's got to be hot. |
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I'd like to point out that 'fidelity' also applies in open relationships. I don't want to be left in the dark if you decide to play away. Kindness is far more important to me now than it ever was, so I think I'd give it it's own category. And 5. Must like chocolate. |
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Chocolate is medicinal....even at times, better than boobs. |
Just three?Life isnt that simple at all,I wish it was.
First it would have to be..Honesty, integraty and truthfullness. Second...Its a big must..be a grown adult that takes responsablity that includes a job or incom with a bank account that u can use.Beleave me when I say I dont need your suport or access to ur bank account,I have my own thank u. Thirdly-If ur r a cheeter or player or big old drama queen....please dont apply fore this relationship.I am not big enought nor do I want to ride that rollercoaster u r on.I can deal with normal stuff but this dramaramma stuff is a no go. Forth-I told u it had to be more than three.I have my disablities to deal with,understand I wont all ways be 100% or even colse to it,I will be glad to discuss it with u anytime...I will also do the same for u if u have a issue u need to talk about. More later. |
a healthy heart
a hungry soul a critical thinking brain This boy got lucky!!! |
Only three? I may have to be a serial poster! If these three qualities are present, there is a strong enough connection (for me) to work through the more negotiable stuff.
1. Chemistry, undeniable chemistry. I think that is a combination of a physical, heart and soul connection. Just got to have some..... 2. Emotional honesty, served with fineness. 3. Tenderness of heart with a very naughty edge. Sometimes 3=5. *Blinks* |
1. Must be an animal lover. If ya dont like animals it aint gonna work with me
2. Kindness, compassion, empathy, understanding 3. NO active addiction and yes that includes online stuff. |
I have one non-negotiable.... Spirituality. You must be open-minded, open-hearted and interested in alternative faiths and spiritual practices at least to the point of being willing to discuss/debate philosophical differences and participate in rituals, etc. on special occasions. :praying:
And then one solid, undeniable truth... I'm a Sagittarius. The wild wanderings -- verbal, mental, emotional, physical, sensual and metaphysical -- of a Jupiter's child can be tiring. If you have days where you don't have the energy to get off the couch, then you do not have the energy for me. ;) |
1a. dominant and peaceful nature
1b. non-smoker 2. kindness 3. maturity |
1. Have good communication skills and is a good speller. 2. Knows the difference between your and you're. 3. Knows the difference between their, there, and they're. They're smart and can have an intelligent conversation :canadian: |
My three must haves have changed through the years like this:
Sex sex sex Respect sex sex Committment respect sex Working out respect committment And I suspect by the time I reach my eighties, the working out will be replaced by patience. |
Understands addiction and respects addicts
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Well, dang.... I guess that means we won't ever date :sunglass:.... I am not a chocolate lover....Odd but true....Hey wait.... Does giving chocolate count;) |
No, Anya, absolutely not that you're asking for too much. I feel the same way, and my must-haves are the same as yours, with a few extry points...
Must be a NON-boozer, drugie, smoker, and must be squeaky clean about hygene - esp. oral/dental hygene. Intelligence, integrity, character, a sense of self-assurance, and humanity for all living things, are also characteristics important to me. All sprinkled with a good sense of humor, esp. someone who can laugh at themselves and not take themselves or life so darn seriously. Quote:
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I told you I would be a serial poster here. There is just one more I would like to add, and forgive me if this turns into a bit of a rant. I believe we all desire a person of character, attraction, intelligence and hygiene that treats us in a way that brings joy (lol, except maybe emotional masochists). But this one point has been blaring, screaming, pulsing through my mind and heart and I need to express it. My personal feelings here so please take no offense.
Someone who understands and lives the ways of love: We all want love, as humans we need love. So much seeking for love and so few really finding it. So I have to ask myself why that is, and after much reflecting I believe it is partly because we live in a superficial society, that rides the wave of don't get to close and real. We have become separated from our hearts and emotions and our humanness. I think this is also cultural. There are some cultures that the way's of love are more built in. I'm an honest woman so I am going to speak my heart here. I find this to be especially true in Gay culture. No absolutes here, just what I have seen. We want true love, but do we know how to live true love? When I think of the ways of love here are some thoughts that come to my mind: How do you hold the heart of someone you love, or someone who loves you? Even in friendship, what is their heart worth? In my crazy mind peoples hearts are sacred, they hold worth, and should be treated with care. Caring is the action of love, in my mind because it spurs one to create beauty together, and curbs the actions that would tear us a part. A thread of creative action that grows togetherness and intimacy. These actions in my mind weave a tale of integrity, making space for creation of beauty between two people, and a love that can with stand the tides of life. There are endless expressions of love, why not focus on those? Even when someone turns out to not be right for you, how do you hold their heart? Especially if that person has really loved you? Is their value in their feelings or are hearts disposable as something that can be taken out with the trash? I am asking this in all honesty, because of the ways I see people treating each other. I do believe that we have to have this relationship with ourselves first, to be able to share it. And I am not professing to be a master of this, only a student on the road. I do know though, that is is the road I choose for my life. I have a basic list, not to complicated. I desire those qualities delivered by someone who who understands and lives the ways of love....... I know all this sounds flowery, and serious, and that are those in life we should protect ourselves from rather than opening our heart to. But if one is seeking true love, I have to ask you as well as myself what will you do with it once you find it??? Ok I'm done. :vigil: |
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is not enjoying chocolate normal? :hamactor: |
Only 3? :| Oh boy...
1) A good sense of humour. Bonus points for the ability to make me laugh until I get the hiccups. 2) Must be kind to animals, the elderly, and the wait staff. If you are a bad tipper, or don't give up your seat on the bus to the ninety year old without one, it ain't happening. 3) No smokers. I just can't. |
I realize everyone is made of flesh and bone. There will be hurtful choices but keep it to a minimum and take responsibility when it does happen. The "Blame Game" requires no self reflection and is ultimately of no value to yourself or the relationship. |
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If drinking (even socially), sports and online endeavors are an integral part of your life, it won't work.
If you expect me to either consistently analyze you or completely avoid doing so, you won't want to be around me. I'm a natural analytical mind but I don't whip out the couch for friends or family. If you speak highly of your friends and/or family, but your actions don't match your words, there's a huge underlying problem that will only get worse and I won't be able to avoid pointing it out without losing my integrity. Also: if you profess to "hate" anything or anyone, that won't work. Disliking, I get, but hating, as in "I HATE children," no. Perhaps you don't want kids and that's fine, but hating is a whole different ball game. |
Only three is tough...very tough...
:rrose: Respect...self-respect, respect for me, respect for our relationship, respect for our family, respect for the needs and feelings of others. I think many of the things we list from honesty to work ethic to hygiene flow from this. :rrose: Kindness...to have the fundamental belief and practice that kindness, to self and others...whether loved ones or strangers...is worth striving for. To have a kind heart that treats me, my son, and themself with care and kindness...even when life gets difficult. :rrose: Passion...without that spark, we are friends...good friends, valued friends, dear friends...but not partners. |
- Believes that pets should sleep in the bed with us
- Wicked smart sexy brain - Enjoys pro football and baseball (hockey is fine, too), is okay about my not caring for basketball, and does not like the Yankees or any quarterback named Manning or Tebow. |
definitely all femme
Loves animals and is kind to all living things is capable of owning her own stuff and has done at least some work on her issues. |
Pardon the interuption
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