I don't think she's out there
 

Sorry for being a downer folks, especially after being away for such a long time, but I just wanted to share in a space where people might be sympathetic.

I've reached a point where I think my perfect partner isn't out there.

I've had a lot of false starts, misfires, and missteps this year. I've been dealing with my own emotional issues surrounding depression, but that, on top of having no luck meeting someone, has me thinking the worst -- that there just isn't a woman out there for me.

I am trying to learn to accept being single, to accept that I'll probably walk the rest of my life alone, but if I'm being honest, accepting that notion is breaking my heart. I have so much love to give. I don't think I'm a horrible person. So why can't I find someone to love?

I've heard people say that your perfect person shows up when you stop looking, but I think I've gone clear past "not looking" to "not caring" and "not being open", so I'd probably miss her even if she did show up.

In other news, my descent into the lesbian librarian stereotype is complete - I adopted a cat about a month ago. That's something to be happy about. As I write this, she's curled up on the couch having a snooze. She's so adorable. :)

Anyway, thank you for letting me share.

Enjoy life!
 

Girl enjoy singlehood!! Find a sexy black dress accessorize and go out for NYE have yourself a good time being single does not equate dead!!!

You say single like it's a bad thing. If you feel alone, increase the number of friends you have. I've been single for nearly 5 years and I have no intention of going back. I have more friends than I could have ever imagined and don't feel a compulsion to get into a relationship for the sake of getting into a relationship. I recognize it's different for everyone, but honestly, being single probably shouldn't be the primary reason for getting into a relationship.

being single should be looked at as a choice,not a default! like Snow said--enjoy being single!

I think many of us have felt like, that perfect someone wasn't out there. At sometimes in our lives, it's the perfect person for the moment, for a year or 8 or 10. Life, and love are fluid. Love yourself first, and be successful at that. You just never know what is around the next corner.

Well, you're right. Your perfect partner isn't out there. A "perfect partner" doesn't exist.

I've had a tendency to get together with a lover after having known her for a long time, even a couple of years. I never thought of these women as potential partners when I met them but as I got to know them, we negotiated love and friendship and passion and comfort together in our two selves.

Someone who would make a loving partner for you is probably floating around out there (more than one, by my beliefs). You might miss her if you're just looking for the "perfect" one.

***i completely... completely... completely and totally empathize with you on this one!!!

do your very best in turning this downer into a positive by enjoying the friends you do have and will make along the way in your journeys.

this took courage to post for you i'm sure... i applaud you for sharing.

and know this one thing... if not anything else... You Are Not Alone In This...

~right there with you,
the tazzmeister :)

***ButchEire... i like you! i could not have said it any better. :)
*fist pump and a ^5 to ya! ;)

I know what I say here will just sound like a bunch of cliches but here it goes.

Over 10 years ago I left a long term relationship of 13 years because I knew in my heart it wasn't all that I wanted. We were a very good couple in many ways but the deep passion just wasn't there. It was a very big risk for me to take leaving that relationship because I could have stayed quite comfortable. After that it was more than 10 years of very ups and downs (mostly downs) and a lot of mistakes made along the way. I never regretted my decision, but I became increasingly pessimistic that I would not find what I was looking for and wanted. To top it off I am a stone butch woman, which is a bit of a rare combination, so I thought that would make my chances even smaller.

I definitely found my One when I was least expecting it and after all those years of mishaps and disappointments. I had just been focusing on myself and cutting the ties from negativity and negative people. I had just moved into a new apartment and was focused on that and my websites and work. I was determined that I was just fine by myself, but I think deep down inside I never gave up to the possibility. We met right here on BFP and since first talking have been inseparable ever since, and I can't imagine anyone more perfect for me. It really does seem like a miracle, but it would have never happened if I had totally given up or settled for something not right for me.

I think a lot of it was good fortune and I can't guarantee the same can happen for anyone else, but I would say focus on yourself and keep your heart open to the possibilities of true love. I have really enjoyed reading your posts here and I truly believe you will be just fine either single or coupled. Best wishes to you. Don't stop believing in yourself or true love. They are both incredible things to enjoy and savor.

She's out there...

Waiting to see you laughing over coffee,

Watching you smile at work,

Seeing how much fun you are having with your friends,

Watching you dance,


She's waiting on you---to be happy with yourself, active in your life and comfortable with your friends--then she's going to come out of nowhere.
She's more attracted to you when you're smiling, confident, and secure in
yourself. She wants this to have a great start, and is waiting for timing to be
better.

She's been looking for you, too.

I understand
 

letter, I hear you. And, until recently, I felt the same way you do. What all of the people who have spoken to your post don't realize, is that there AREN'T many butches here. And, the few that are here, are either already partnered or dating other butches.

This is Canada, where we have same/sex privileges in abundance. But, the number of femme to butch ratio is about 50 to 1. And then, that 1 is usually an andro butch.

So, it is true my dear. We can attend functions, dances, pub night in Langley, Rascals play parties, and perhaps a single, Top, stone, Daddi might appear. We can dream, right? lol

Give me a shout if you wish. We can organize a femme tea???

Candice

[QUOTE=fever;492551]letter, I hear you. And, until recently, I felt the same way you do. What all of the people who have spoken to your post don't realize, is that there AREN'T many butches here. And, the few that are here, are either already partnered or dating other butches.

***i very much agree with this statistic... i'm a realist. and this is a very realitic point of view.

Letter
 

What you're feeling isn't unique..Everyone feels like this intermittently throughout our lives because it's in our dna to bond..it's hard to make peace with something that is very persistent..but if it's meant to be, it will happen..meanwhile as Snow said you are not dead there are all kinds of "things" you can find to amuse yourself..just be open to life, stay sweet and positive..Work on doing somethings that interest and excite you..

**note to self...crash femme tea party** ;) Am just a hop, skip and a jump over the border :)

Femme tea goodies
 

Scuba, come on up! You are too funny. It will be the femmes hopping and skipping should you arrive, especially if you are on that motorcycle.

You have no idea what potential you have about the 49th!

You made me smile tonight. How was your Christmas party? Pictures???

oops, off topic. Gemini trait.

ciao,
Candice

OMG. YES. And I realize I'm typing in all caps but YES. THIS.

I read an article recently in the Vancouver sun that said something to the effect that of all the Canadian cities, Vancouver is the most remote, the most distant, and the most difficult to make friends in. I've lived here 11 years, and I can count the friends I have on one hand. Only a couple of them are queer, and only one of them is single (and she's not interested in me). I've heard other people who moved here from elsewhere say pretty much the same thing - that this is a really tough town to make friends in.


That's another thing - so many butches seem to live in the far suburbs like Langley, Abbotsford, Chilliwack, or even Squamish. What's an intown femme to do?

A femme tea does sound like fun, though. :)

A femme tea sounds like fun!

[QUOTE=lettertodaddy;492699]OMG. YES. And I realize I'm typing in all caps but YES. THIS.

I read an article recently in the Vancouver sun that said something to the effect that of all the Canadian cities, Vancouver is the most remote, the most distant, and the most difficult to make friends in. I've lived here 11 years, and I can count the friends I have on one hand. Only a couple of them are queer, and only one of them is single (and she's not interested in me). I've heard other people who moved here from elsewhere say pretty much the same thing - that this is a really tough town to make friends in.


***lettertodaddy... so is SF/Oakland for that matter! i'm right there beside you in this.
for me, the bay area has become soooo big that it is really often difficult to find true friends.
i have the same amount of friends as you, and only two are queer and coupled off. the other is actually moving to Minnesota first week of Jan. and wants me to move there too.

you may have to go outside your "comfort zone" and city to find more of a community.

it's tough... but Not impossible. hang in there... and eventually things will come around full circle.

I have nothing new to add on the pursuit of perfection. It is illusory and does not exist for any of us. If I am an imperfect human, how could I possibily expect perfection in another? It is a set-up for failure.

I was depressed and sad for a long time. The thing with depression is that it is an endless loop that begins to feel like all is hopeless. The more hopeless one feels, the more isolative I became. How could I possibly meet anyone if I risked nothing? Not possible.

The passing of the years finally got to me. I realized that I just had to take action myself! I had to put myself out there, get active on the Planet, join a lesbian dating site-go out on dates, just for the experience, gain confidence in myself again-even if no chemistry, I met some nice butches; the better I felt, the more I smiled at strangers and surprise of surprise- they smiled back (including a cute butch where I work, who did a double-take when I smiled at her and smiled back really big).

My point is that special butch really will not knock on the door without risking yourself. They are out there. The better I felt, the more they came to me! Funny how that works.

I realized that I have choices for how to be. I chose to have a life, to take some risks with my heart, I chose to be happy and to believe that love is on my horizon and is getting closer by the day...so close that I can almost reach out and touch it...

Never, ever, give up!

I have to say I'm a little confused why so many people hung up on the word "perfect" in my post.

Have any of you heard the song "I'm not perfect, but I'm perfect for you" by Grace Jones? That's the concept I'm thinking of.

We all have a notion of what we want in life, what type and temperament of person will complement us best. I don't seek perfection in a human being. We are all fantastically flawed. Still and yet, I think that there is nothing wrong with wanting to pursue the "perfect fit" when it comes to a partner. I spent 10 years with someone who wasn't a perfect fit, and tried every day of those 10 years to make it work, to just make do, to settle and accept what I had.

No more.

Compromise and working together are fine, but so is wanting a love that is perfect for me.

Hi Anya,

This is what I've been doing for the last three years. I haven't been active here but I've been active elsewhere and in my offline life. I've been putting myself out there more in the last three years than I ever have in my life before, and I'm frustrated with the diminishing returns I'm getting.

So I got a cat for companionship, decided I'd leave my profile up on dating sites (but not check my inbox or anything), and thought it would be best to get off the merry-go-round for awhile.

A person gets tired after a while, you know?

I do understand LTD. My 19-year relationship ended 10 years ago. We dragged it out, living separately for a couple of years after we stopped living together but I was essentially single.

I used to feel really embarrassed by how long it had been that I was alone but
it was what it was and it was where I was at.

I do live in a large metropolitan area, true, but I have met butches living in Seattle, Arizona, Baja Ca, one from Costa Rica who wanted to fly me to meet her (tempting but a pass), as well as local butches.

I only speak for me. I let my world become very small and lonely. I had given up on some level. For myself, I am glad that I did not let my depression swallow me whole. It could have.

Hugs sister femme,

Idea
 

You could always do some research and see where there's a big queer population, save up your money move and let the dating begin!!!!

Snow is always so helpful! I like the idea though. If they dont come to you,go to them!

New!
 

Right!???

Plus it's a new city, new adventures, new everythings!

Makes sense to me- come to the Bay Area of CA!! hello queer populations!!

In my very limited experience, I've found that I've been offered dates and sometimes stumbled blindly into the path of possible love when I've been off the merry-go-round. Whereas when I've actively tried to find a relationship, it's never happened (or, even worse, has had "disaster" written all over it from day one).

Maybe just me but if I were to consciously seek out a bone fide relationship, I just don't think it would happen.

Not trying to stray off-topic but, in my view, a relationship can be 100% real and passionate but sexless. In fact, there are some of us who prefer sex outside of relationships and prefer relationships without sex (although it's usually complicated by partners or potential partners who don't necessarily share such an outlook).

Hey letter...I can completely relate. I don't need perfect as in flawless....but I do need "perfect for me".....and sometimes that feels like an impossibility.

In a weird way I'm lucky...I was dwelling in the same feeling...and got my butt kicked out of it by more pressing problems in my life.

Now, any butch who's interested is going to have to hang around and wait...and I don't know how long...or pitch in and help...because I have more critical things to do.

Wishing you all the best. :rrose:

That wouldn't work for me....ever. For me, that would be a dear friend...but not a partner.

Obviously we're all different...but no...just no. :)

Every time I have entertained the notion that "she is not out there," I haven't had to dig too deep to realise that my fear is doing the talking, and that I'm afraid she isn't out there, which is totally different from she isn't out there. I'm not saying that is true for you, but it might be something to think about, if you already haven't. I wish you the best of luck in maintaining your hope.

If you guys are organizing a femme tea, please let me know. My 8+ year relationship just ended fucking yesterday (seriously, who gets dumped on Boxing Day?), and could def use some girls right now. I agree, this is a tough town to make friends in.

((Letter)) Hugs to you, I hope you find happiness soon...

further derail
 

Ciaran,

i can kinda relate to this statement..mainly because to me sex does not equate love...just bc i wanna have sex with someone or vice versa does not mean i or they are in love...Sex to me is not a be all end all of a relationship.But that is just me.

ok back to the original topic of the thread!!