Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?
 

I know the answer depends on a few factors but here's what I find myself facing right now:

An ex that I haven't dated in two years is back in contact with me. Not because she wants to be with me but because she needs a friend and says I was the only person she ever felt really cared about her.

I'm not in love with her anymore, heck weeks can go by before I even think about her. However, I have a fatal flaw in relationships... I love to save a damsel in distress, and that includes being the supporter when they're hurting.

I'm not saying anything will happen but I'm concerned more about myself in this situation. It wasn't a great relationship and I was the one hurt in the end... I don't want to even allow the chance for old feelings to come back.

Is it possible to really be a friend to her or is this one I should back off from?

i personaly feel if u loved someone the love never leaves u, it just takes a diff place in ur heart ! enjoy her as she was meant to be inyour life . for a reason only u will know.

I think you should listen to your gut about this. Why are you her only friend, or the "only one who cared for her"? I'd tread very carefully, if you know you might get sucked back into a bad situation.

Look at it this way: if you haven't seen her in two years, how much of a friend has she been to you?

Gosh, you will certainly get vast disparity in the replies to your question.

In my case, the answer is 'yes'. Although, having had only one ex (my last partner died while we were still together, and therefore does not factor here), makes it an easy answer for me.

We are not best friends by any means, but we talk a few times a year, exchange holiday cards, and chat while playing Words with Friends daily on Facebook.

For me, it comes down to the fact that at one time I loved her enough to have wanted to spend my life with her. It is clear, as we are no longer together. There were reasons that was not to be. However, our parting of intimate ways in no way rules out that I very much liked her at one point. I still do. It is simply as the years passed, we did not grow together, but rather moved slowly apart.

So yes, it is possible, at least for me. But then, there was not another party involved, we did not lie to one another, we were not abusive to one another, we did not come to resent one another, We suffered no unspoken, but not forgotten, hurts or angst that reared their ugly heads causing our relationship to come tumbling down upon us.

With only one ex to reference, I say it again, yes, it is possible.

Thoughts
 

"I love to save a damsel in distress"

When that sentence STOPS being part of how you enable people is when true long standing relationships that have clear and healthy boundaries will flourish!! :)

I'm friends with exes because of those clear healthy boundaries.

:)

No one likes blurry lines...

The more replies I read and the more I take them into consideration the more I lean towards one decision over the other.

I agree with The_Lady_Snow that boundaries are probably something I lacked in this past relationship.

I think a part of the reason I wanted to talk to her again when she reached out was that I am in a lonely place right now, relationship-wise. But that doesn't erase the past and it's something I don't wish to ever repeat.

I've only ever been in two serious relationships and the first one we've not spoken in many years. That was her wish because she told me it was all or nothing and being so young and inexperienced I was not ready to commit.

I want to believe, and I know it's true for many, that you can be friends with an ex... but I don't think it's true for all ex's. Sigh...

Recognizing your motivations for a friendship and hers helps a lot. Make sure you are very self-aware of your space at all times. I do believe it is possible to be friends with exes, but as Snow said the boundaries must be in place. I hope things work out whichever way you decide.

Thoughts
 

She/the ex, probably knows you're gonna cave in cause you're a lil vulnerable (you being lonely)..

Just becareful and stay strong Cuddles!!!

Story of my life, even with friends lol


Thank you all. You've given me a lot to consider. I'm supposed to talk to her in an hour. I'm thinking pretty clearly right now so I won't be going in blind. It may not turn out to be much of anything but I know her pretty well and if she's not changed then I have reason to tread carefully.

Thanks again. :)

You totally hit the nail on the head with this one! If an ex can be a nurturing, caring friend to you then I think that is great. If an ex pops back in to your life because they are bored or lonely or needy then maybe that is not the best friendship for you. What does she have to bring to the relationship? How can being in contact with her enrich your life, beyond satisfying the need to care for someone and be needed? Be selfish and take care of yourself first!

For me, it depends on the circumstance of the end of the relationship.

My 1st GF and I realized we were better as friends than lovers and were able to go back to being very good friends. We had dinner together with our new partners, shared holidays, etc.

My most recent ex- no. It was a painful breakup and I did try to develop a friend relationship with her but just could not do it. It was just too difficult for me.

Different circumstance, different outcome.

it depends. i'm friends with almost all of my exes and i think it's totally possible - i'm still extremely close (friendship-wise only) with two of them. but in this particular case i'd find it troubling that she wants to start out a friendship based off of her needing you...that doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic. not that friends shouldn't help each other but it seems odd that she's coming to you like this when you don't already have a friendship established. i second the need for boundaries.

The basis for reconnecting is due to the fact that she told me she finally took the advice I'd given her two years prior about a drastic change needed in her life. She's not had an easy life at all and I do feel bad for her in that regard.

However it's not a situation I want to get back into. I agreed to talk with her to give her a chance to vent a little and seek some friendly advice.

If I get the slightest hint that she's seeking more than advice, I'll be sure to stop the conversation and remind her of the boundaries.

I may be lonely, but I'm not self-loathing, nor am I THAT desperate. Sometimes I think I'd have an easier time in life if I was more hard up on my emotions... but if that were the case I wouldn't be so darn cuddly lol. :)

^^^^^

What they said.

Depends on the ex..I only have one Id give a kidney to, or give my last dollar to..the rest,,nope

I also think it depends on how things ended and why. I am on speaking terms with most of my exes. Just because you are no longer in love with someone doesn't mean you no longer care about them. That said, boundaries are a good idea, as well as having enough time for the both of you to heal. It took me a while after my last serious romance to be able to speak to her again, and she pretty much wanted the every-day contact to continue after the break-up. I told her I couldn't do that and I needed time. Now we can occasionally speak to each other and there are no hard feelings or bitterness. I think that has to be a boundary, or at the minimum a ground rule, for both sides to get to a place where friendship is possible.

same here :chocolate:

Friendships just like romantic relationships should be based on give and take one to the other not just give give give take take take.
Respect yourself and your emotional space right now and decide where you want that friendship to go and grow.

I think there were many wonderful suggestions so far and almost everyone says the same thing, stay strong, be who you need to be, respect yourself and set boundaries that you "both" can stick to.

Good luck I hope it will be a rewarding experience.

I am friends with most of my ex's but it took time. In each of those cases, early on I would get the "can we talk" phone call or email but it was ALWAYS because they were lonely or fighting with their current partner; when we are lonely we reach out to the easiest ear.

With boundries set and MEANT (here's the hard part), you can be friends. Be careful, if you are lonely too you could be headed for trouble.

Well that went better than I thought.

She seemed to just really want someone to talk to. We didn't bring up anything too personal that would've stirred up a pot.

However... I'm not going to pursue a friendship with her. I've decided it's just not worth the risk. I don't want anyone to get hurt, her or myself.

It might very well be possible to be just friends with her... but I do sense a vulnerability in me and I don't want to have to work so hard to protect it.

I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material.

I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked.

And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above.

All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous.

There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too.

Can you be friends with an ex
 

I think so after time has passed I think it is healthy

I am currently friends with most of my exes. I can tell you that the exes who DONT want to be friends with me, do so, so I wont tell their tales....they are wayyy to ashamed of themselves and how they acted with me to let me near their life now.

the chance of being friends is much better with a sisters or brothers ex LOL.

i do talk to an ex girlfriend. we laugh. we talk about day to day stuff. but there are different types of friends. she's not one that i can tell absolutely anything to. but yeah, a communication line can be achieved.

a lot depends on where the heart is, ... has it moved on. it's certainly not healthy, mentally, to extend a hand when loneliness is present (personal experience). as bad ass strong as i think i am, i can let my guard down, ... when lonely creeps in.

i'm not so sure it can ever be a complete friendship. maybe no more than hello, how are you? with a laugh thrown in. i certainly don't want to be friends on a level where current girlfriends meet the exes over dinner.

i do hope all works out for you, cuddles.

I think this really depends on each other's feelings and each individual person. If both of you can keep your friendship going and not bring up the past or the "relationship"...maybe...but as mentioned in previous posts here....things are "different" after you have engaged in an intimate relationship with someone.
There is not right or wrong answer to this question...it's totally based on each person's personal preference...(try saying those three words fast)

i feel the same way and don't understand the need to have exes as friends, if things were bad enough that i left them, why would i want to now be *friends* later? If our paths cross that's one thing but yes i left them for a reason, and that reason is probably enough reason not to be in each others lives.

Well said. My sentiments exactly.

Wow you hit home with the same issue I'm repairing in me now.We are the great rescuers ! Fighting this Co Dependence in short is hell and for me I need too keep backing up because I'm the only one that looses, No matter what I do ,or repair in my ex she stayed the same always in a constant state of despair. In the end I lost me.I recently had a friend ( not saying yours is too this extreme but mine damn near was ) that died from complications from a attempted suicide. She was in her own type of abusive relationship.I awoke a few days latter after crying for days wishing I was home too the thought "There not worth dying over". I won't go back too old haunts or old past habits. I will just keep growing best I can.

The answer, in principle, is an unambiguous yes.

Of course, in reality, it depends on a whole multitude of factors dependent upon the relationship, the personalities involved, their shared history and their paths travelled since splitting up.

Sometimes, it's good to be friends with an ex, sometimes it's not. Treat every situation on it's own merits. It's no different from being friends with a neighbor or a work colleague in the sense that there's no straightforward "right" or "wrong" to when a friendship should work and when it shouldn't.

On occasions, the shared history will be a bond and in other scenarios, the shared history would clearly make any attempt at friendship a disaster for one or both parties. Ultimately, only you and your ex can answer that one.


Personally, I've stayed friends with some exes. I find this healthy. A relationship not lasting doesn't necessarily mean that we cannot be social, have strong mutual interests and enjoy each other's company and sharing fun times.

Currently I am not really friends with any of my exes, but I have been friends with some of them in the past. Others I haven't wanted to speak to ever again after things ended.

I have one ex that at first we did keep in some contact. It wasn't a good relationship and didn't end too well. After a while I didn't feel she was being respectful of me and didn't want to continue the friendship. I asked her not to contact me anymore. She honored my request.

One of my exes was my partner for 12 years. I made the decision to break up. She is a great person and always treated me well. The passion was just not there for either one of us. When I moved out and got a place of my own I had a party. I felt weird about inviting her but also weird about not inviting her. So I did ask her but said I would totally understand if she didn't want to come. Well she came to my party and met a friend of a friend. They started dating and have been together ever since. It's been about 10 years. Lesbian cliche I guess, lol. Actually among my lesbian friends it is quite common for people to be friends with their exes.

I've discovered a few circumstances:

1) You can be friends because there was no romantic chemistry but you got along beautifully otherwise;

2) A friendship is possible until either one of you gets a jealous partner;

3) There's no way you'd have that person as a friend simply because they've proven that they're not good at the things that make a friend (honesty, compassion, loyalty, etc.)

My only recommendation is to tread carefully and don't become friends if either of you still have feelings. Ex sex is awkward. Good luck!