Everything you wanted to know about dating...
 

...but were afraid to ask/share/discuss.

A couple of folks have brought up that we really did not have a thread to talk about the art and science of dating.

Not a hook up thread but a place to ask questions, get tips from each other or trade dating positives as well as dating horror stories.

Hopefully, this can be a positive and encouraging thread.

What would you like to talk about?

We are interested.

Dating..
 

Here’s something I’m willing to share on this thread! If someone has caught your eye and piqued your interest and you’re willing to take the risk and ask them out, my advice is to be specific and get the word ‘date’ in at some opportunistic moment. Being too vague is a mistake I think occurs all too often in the dating world

Since I have been doing a bit of dating the last 6-8 weeks, I am more than happy to share my success stories as well as my not-so-successful stories.

I always meet first for coffee. I like having my car in case it does not turn out well and I always pay for myself.

Even though I never say yes without reading profiles first, one never knows what one will find.

The most stable appearing people may not be so much in person. I never let anyone know where I live until I have that first meeting for coffee and never if I don't want to see them again.

I have downed a cup in 30 minutes (when I knew it was not going to work) and have taken 2-hours (when I thought there was potential).

It's kind of like a job interview....disguised as a date.

Dating..
 

I have to admit I’ve never been fond of the coffee thingy. It is indeed like a job interview and we all know how nerve wracking one of those can be! I think another reason I avoid the coffee date is because I always get the feeling the clock is ticking and I’ve only got a limited amount of time to make a good impression or they are out the door!

I generally like to chat for a little while first... when someone says, "I don't like to chat and e-mail endlessly - I just want to ask you out and see where it goes," I know we're not going to be a match. I'm introverted and meeting someone new burns my energy and attention up at an alarming rate, so unless there's something that catches my attention and I really *want* to meet within a few communications, then fine.

I think my worst date ever was with someone who was outright disgusted that I'd ever had a relationship with a man (he was my unicorn, and I genuinely loved him.) She berated me at the table, then excused herself to the "bathroom" (and by that, I mean "never to be seen again.) Cripes.

sometimes i can trust my first impression sensor deal i have in my 455 rocket LOL, ... and sometimes i need to chill and come back around for a second "whatchoo got up under that hood!".

i miss things. i really do. i'm the nervous type, even though there's no telling what i might say, say just what i'm thinking, ... i'm still so nervous. i like to think she is too.

but i'm not one to give advice on dating lol. you all just give away! i like reading.

I love that you started this and I think it will help people
if nothing else than to see other perspectives.

Back in my twenties I had a therapist who told me to go on
practice dates to help me with my non datearound er stuff.
I even told these dates that they were practice dates and
they did not seem to mind. I only had three of them (different
people) and none made me want to pursue a second date.
Then I stopped the experiment ,my ex came back into the picture
and said I needed to date her more , so I did. :]
I still would date her more and again which is why I went
to therapy to begin with. If only we had met later in life , I think
things would have been very different and we would likely still be
together.

Then a few years later I dated two women at the same time. My ego
got big ,thinking I had to choose between them and poof
I ended up with no choice at all.

I used to roll my eyes seeing ads talking about "friends first"
but now I sooo fucking get it.
For me, you have to first be my friend and then stay my friend
or I gotta go.

So, I gotta wonder if that's a reasonable request and if I am
crazy for thinking that maybe a long (?) friendship is the way to
begin. Then , I have also been in situations where it
has been a friendship so long you cant even imagine being
with that person romantically. No sparks.
friendly sparks
is that asking too much?

Then comes the internet stuff , web-caming and what-nots (snort)
I've had woman cam me without even asking
being more than a bit suggestive to get my attention.
oy
and it worked
I was reeled in but I was younger and didnt know jack.
I dont want that for myself , these days.

I think if it is the "right"
someone it will just flow and there will be an equal infatuation
(a desire to learn ALL about each other)
and no rush to consummate things. (Owning "my stuff" as
well here.)
I see things happening at warp speed online and that is
not for me at all. (although I have done the warp speed lust,
I would never be able to say that I loved someone on the
second or third meet up)

sparky , lusty friendship with a heaping dose of kindness
and patience is what I genuinely want :vigil:


I wont put myself in a position to compete for anyone
nor do I think the person who is "right" for me would
tolerate competing for me.

I've seen many sad endings by people thinking they
have won the prize but it was all just about the winning
and they really didnt even want the prize.

I do love reading about other experiences and perspectives.

I am an introvert too but find it relatively easy now (other than the first hello) meeting women on a 1:1 basis.

Before that coffee date, some emails and texts are exchanged-I don't go in cold.

This may sound terrible but I don't have a lot of time or energy these days. I want to meet sooner rather than later. Honestly, if I do not have any sexual attraction for the person-I don't get dragging it out.

If I have sexual attraction, then yes, I want to invest the time and attention to get to know them better.

Having sexual attraction does not mean jumping in bed with her but knowing it has the potential to have it all-love, intimacy, companionship and sex.

I'm no nun. I have jumped. :|

That is a story for another day...

Dating.
 

Anya,

Your thread has come just in time. I've tried this once before but now can see how it went the wrong way, you live and learn.

Yes, I have put down my walls and am going to date. For me its been several years, and no not looking for anything but having great talks, fun outdoors, sharing quality time.

Greco

Good thread.

re: Making it clear that it's a date - I think it's equally valid to clarify that it's NOT a date, but is a time to just get to know each other, to see if there is dating potential. I was SO relieved when the response to my asking someone out the other day (first non-online person I've gone out with for over 20 years) was "I can't say that I'm ready for a real date yet, but I would love to get to know you better." That was a great (to me) response and might even be something I might say when approaching someone.

The main dating advice I'd give ties into the u-haul thing: I think there is this u-haul stereotype within our community because too many women find some connection, compatibility and chemistry with someone and immediately start thinking "forever," then when they SHOULD be still just dating, when things start being problems they approach it as "we've made this commitment so this is something we need to figure out how to fix" instead of "wow, I guess we're not as compatible as we thought, and s/he's not quite the person that I thought s/he was." I'm a VERY strong proponent of waiting a couple of YEARS before promising forever and committing yourself to work through whatever issues might come up between you, because you really don't know how that other person is going to be "in sickness and in health, for better or worse" unless you've given it the chance to play out. If the relationship is going to be forever, it can survive waiting a couple of years before making that forever promise. I don't mean waiting two years before promising to be monogamous, maybe not even a couple of years before cohabitation. But an open acknowledgement that we really don't know each other enough yet to promise forever -- a *gasp* period of DATING before getting engaged or married.

I agree having a conversation and spending time together just getting to know each other is key. I think I can do that in almost any situation. I am a talker and love great conversations. Friends is key. If you can become friends and have things in common then you have taken the first step. I am never looking for a romance at first I really want the friendship and feel the romance can blossom from that first step of liking each other.

Some of my not-so-successful dates are sad and some are humorous so I will also share some of them.

Skip this if you already read it in the zombie thread:

A couple of weeks ago, I met a woman for coffee. She had her own web-based business and seemed really stable before we met.

After chatting a bit, she proceeded to tell me that she was "really hot for Latinas".

I looked at her and said: "You are out of luck with me then, as I am clearly not". She then told me that the love of her life was Latina and passed away.

I told her I was very sorry to hear that because I was.

She then told me that her love had died of a heroin overdose and though they were living together for 5-years, she had not known that her partner was shooting up. :|

Another one was an ex-nun who shared with me that she had had sex with almost everyone in her order:| and was looking for someone to join her all-ex-nun weekly mass that they held on Sundays. Also out of luck as I am not Catholic.

Another Googled me having my name only and proceeded to tell me where I lived, how much my house cost originally and what my property taxes were:| creeped the hell out much? Yes, I was. Still am, thinking about it.

I can honestly say that I have never Googled anyone I have dated or been in love with. It feels like such an invasion of privacy to me. I just can't do it.

I don't know how the rest of you feel about it.

I have had quite a few very interesting and positive dates. This post, however, is not about them.

maybe "access denied" is the key?
:police:
to be on the safe side of premature
jumping or diving

http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/l...s-chastity.jpg

http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z...ity_belt_1.jpg

http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e6...130_100_75.jpg

;)

half kidding/half not
:sigh:

privacy
 

Anya,

I also do not google anyone, it is an invasion of privacy. If they want me to know they'll tell me. Have heard of much more then go ogling in this cyber world...some quite invasive.

Greco

Anya these are hilarious and kind of scary. Good for you for getting out there and dating and experiencing new people. You never know when you will find "the one". They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs...

I have to say I have Googled people, whether dating them or not. I also Google myself on occasion just to see what is out there. It surprises me the info you can find. I more do it out of curiosity. Unless I was worried for the other person I would never tell them what I found. I did tell a friend when I found her cell number and home address listed for anyone at all to find. But, other then that I have never found anything out about someone that was a concern. I would never contact someone based on info I found on line. I would go through the proper channels and only use it if they gave it to me (eg: address or phone number).

I am a huge flirt, or I used to be, I am a bit broken right now. So, I typically have no problem getting dates. I talk to people everywhere and just like to get to know people. I have made some really good friends that way, and found some great loves. I am currently not interested in dating, but because I recently moved to a new area, I have put myself out there to make some new friends. But, I have been very clear that it is only friendship that I am looking for right now. I really need to find a community here and get to know a few more people in my neighbourhood.

I think it would be tough if you were shy, this is not my problem. I think forums like this (or any interest you have) are a great place to get to know people in a less threatening way. You get to know a bit about them and then you can decide whether to become friends or date. I have gotten to know some great people here as well as some other forums (art and writing forums).

Anyway, good luck to everyone.

One piece of advice I can give from my online dating past is not to take anything personally, they don't know you. We go on online dating sites to get to know people and so we may chat a bit, even move to the level of talking on the phone, may even meet, but it is all the 'getting to know you' process. Don't take it personally if it ends or the person disappears or isn't' who you thought they were. You don't know them and they don't know you.

Oh, I just remembered a bad experience...

I remember one time I was chatting with someone and we were about to move to the phone call step and they mentioned they were a cop. I personally don't date cops (my choice, I know I generalize and miss out on a lot of great people. No offense intended.) I worked for the police department and it left a bad taste in my mouth, so it is a blanket across the board rule for me. They questioned my why and I said that I had worked for the Police department and knew a lot of cops, even had some cop friends, but I didn't date cops due to what I knew about the personality type. I apologized and said it was nothing personal but it was my choice. They tried to defend and when I wouldn't give them my number and thanked them (I was polite the whole time), they got angry and abusive (point proven). I had not given them my number and next thing I know I am getting phone calls from them... abusive phone calls. My number was unlisted.

It didn't stop me from online dating or giving my number to people. I didn't take it personally. Their bad behaviour was on them. And yes this could have been anyone, I am not saying all cops are bad people.

For the most part I have had really good experiences dating. Not a lot of crazies like Anya.

Great advice about not taking things personally laruss!

I am pretty sensitive about a lot of things but for some reason, not much in the wonderful world of dating.

On the dating site where I meet potential dates, frequently I will get an email or a smile from women but when I read their profile (or see that they live in the UK or Costa Rica, to name a couple I have received); I just do not respond.

Conversely, I have sent smiles to women within my parameters of Santa Barbara to the north, San Diego to the south and they never responded.

I just figure that either they don't like my profile or my picture or that they fell in love with someone. Regardless, I do not take it as a personal rejection- I just move on. Who knows why they did not respond. It may have zero to do with me.

I might, however, say to myself: "Damn, she was really cute, too!".

Oh well, you can't win them all!

I think for me I have to pass on a coffee date. I am usually nervous enough without the added benefit of caffeine in my system. Though I do agree completely that the first date "interview" should be done some where public and at least semi-quiet. After all it should be about communicating with each other.

It has been quiet awhile for me since I have been on an actual date and I had better luck it seems before I found sites like this. That is because I really am a poor social communicator in written form. Now if you want an academic paper or resume I am your guy but social written communication, especially one-sided like in a post I am finding out that I often fail at it. So when I meet someone I am straight up front and tell them this and ask them to be patient enough to ask questions until we have reached the text stage which occurs before the phone call stage in my book. I find that taking the time to chat does help and especially if it is supplemented with emails.

I think I am one of the few people I know that does use Skype but has never had Skype sex. I use it as a way to get to know the persons body and facial language because they say so much more then words on a page or over the phone. Besides I do not have to type with Skype and I really do not like typing, to old school I guess. I have had women I do not even know well enough for them to know the city I live in try to be sexual with me on Skype though and it takes every thing I have not to say are you kidding me.

I have had people Google me and come back with questions that blew my mind. I wonder if they know there are more then one person out there with my first and last name. I have also had them say you lived here and here and my response is usually well yeah I told you that. Personally I try not to Google anyone unless they give me a reason to be suspicious and if that happens the relationship is usually over before it starts. I have however Google my own name just because I want to know what information is available to everybody and their mother that happens to have my name and the city I live in.

People wouldn't believe it but I am rather shy at first and a flirt even when I do not realize I am flirting with someone. I believe in friendship that builds to something but if I have been a friend to long I just can not go there. I can not switch gears so to speak. I have to agree with Anya though I would rather have the first meeting be sooner rather then later. You can find out a lot of things about someone online but nothing beats the face to face 'hey do we have chemistry' thing.

Besides I am much more me in person, I think everyone is to a degree. It is easy to hide things behind a computer screen and a lot harder to hide them in person. Always have a plan B or exit strategy though just in case. Like laruss says you do not know each other after all. No matter how much time you spend on here or the phone. The two of you know things about the person but you do not know each other. That takes time in my experience.

I want to talk a little bit about how butches and femmes find each other!

I always read people that post on BFP and that live in towns all across the USA, that write that there are no butches or femmes in their town.

I always want to ask how they try to meet them?

We have to be more creative and take some risks!

I am not on Match.com or OK Cupid but have looked at them and saw profiles all across America, in the most unlikely places! More than a few profiles specified "looking for femmes", "looking for butches".

Some even had user names like: "Looking4myButch" or "Femme4You". Can't get more clear than that!

There are MatchUp activities everywhere. They have activities ranging from dances, to hikes, to golf/camping/house parties, dog-walking on the beach, learning country line-dancing; etc. There are so many activities that pop-up on my email I can't keep track. There are also butch-femme groups for under 40 and butch-femme groups over 40.

I do understand that I live in a large metropolitan area, but you might be surprised to find that there are MatchUps near you and at the activities you will find. It is low-key and they always are around fun, non-meat-market-type of shared activities.

Just some thoughts on things to do or to look for, because we will never find "the one" if we just expect them to find us!

I think this has already been said, but ask them out! For me one of the most important things is to not sit around and wait for somebody else to make the first move. If you think you might be attracted to someone, or notice somebody out and about, talk to them! I got bit in the ass a couple times when I pulled that creeper move of standing near them and looking at them a lot, stubbornly waiting for them to talk to me first. At the end of the night they left with the person who came up to them and started a conversation.

That being said, I LOVE it when someone asks me out. I'm so used to being the one who does all the "chasing" that it tickles me pink when the other person asks me first, and they are much more likely to get bonus points for that.




And now I have a question: From time to time I will get a compliment on my hair or outfit. I was taught by my mother to say thank you and smile, but that's all I know how to do. I am usually overwhelmed with embarrassment and blush before running away afterwards. What if this is someone trying to start a conversation with me? Is there a better way to respond that can be done by a girl who sucks at accepting compliments? How do I find out if this is just a passing compliment, or an invitation to chat?

Great question Andy!

The compliment is the best ice breaker of all.

I always try to keep in mind that the other person is just as nervous as I am and maybe more. That person screwed up their courage to walk across the room (or wherever) to come and give you that compliment and are probably worrying that you will tell them to get lost or will turn your back on them.

No matter how insecure or self-conscious that I may be feeling, I try to set myself to the side to put the other person at ease.

Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Ask a question or give them a compliment in return ( a genuine one, if you mean it): "Thank you, I was admiring your shirt, too. That looks really good on you". Or, "I love your crew-cut. How often do you have to get it cut?"

Open ended questions work better than ones that can just be answered yes or no.

These don't work in every case but are some things that I have used to keep the interaction going.

We always assume that the other person won't like us, when it may very well be the other way around! In that case, I smile and say, "It was nice talking with you and thanks again for the compliment" and go on my way.

Oh this is a wonderful thread...the stories I could share. It's been said a few times already that the initial meeting really shouldn't be a "date" it should be a meeting to see if there is a reason why you might want to date. The online experience and real time experience can be different so if you are meeting do something that you both enjoy which may help put you at ease. This initial meeting of course happens for me after I have had some online or phone conversation, if I cannot hold a conversation with you then there is no real point in meeting because communication is key for me.

The worst date I have ever had was a blind date for Pride...I know...I know...I should have known better, we went to a roof party and people I didn't even know were telling me to ditch the girl, I couldn't my integrity would not allow me to...we proceeded to meet some of her friends, she introduced me by the wrong name, and yes I still persevered.

We all went to a restaurant for dinner, thankfully I got along with one of her friends, and looked at this person with disbelief as my "date" leaned over across the table and said to her other friend in a not so quiet voice, I don't think she likes me....and her friend said you think it might have to do with the fact you called her by another name. Lawd save me now, we left and I took her home, and vowed never ever to do a blind date for Pride again. This same girl called me up and said hey you never called me....I wonder why.

*Laughing* "dated" a woman once...and didn't know it until our 3rd "date". She NEVER asked me out...simply said we should "Hang out sometime" which to me..was NOT an invitation for a date. So, we hung out. Once. Twice..then on the third "date" she told me that she was talking to her best friend about this girl she was dating...:blush:I hate to admit, I still didn't know it was me..until she said my name in the story....

So, yeah...directness helps... ;)

I have dated alot. Alot. So much that amongst my friends, I am pretty much considered the lucky one.

I google everyone. Sorry if its an invasion of privacy. I dont look up your property taxes but I want to see your FB page. I want to know if you belong to hate groups. I want to know you arent married. I wouldnt dream of looking up your IQ but I might look up your dating profile on other sites.

I always talk on the phone first. Alot. And I ask a ton of "what if" questions to get a sense of personality, values and character. Ex: What if the woman you dated a few times suddenly had a death of a close family member. Would you be willing to attend the funeral and calling hours with her?

I make sure everyone knows I am DATING. Not IN a relationship the moment we meet. Lesbian Uhaul is a common theme. And I date more than one person unless I am in a committed relationship.

Recently, one of my acquaintances locally was going on match sites. She smiled at a woman, they talked once on the phone, and she began calling her her GF. Seriously? There was a presumption on her part that something was going to happen between them since they had similar interests. Well hell, so what if people like to read the same kind of books and like to watch The Big Bang Theory? So do many many other people, including those who you would hate to be around! It scares me to think of how sudden we bond!

I was just reading the thread in the Femme Zone about flirting in a non-LGBT space, so this topic flowed nicely.

If/when I want to date someone, it usually comes after a few successful flirting experiences. I don't think google has a "flirting" function yet, so that's not where I'd go to get insight on a date. I pursue dates, and name them dates when I ask a woman out. I'm too old and grumpy for long distance or online dating.

I flirt early and often. As a "handy person" I'm hired to go into people's houses (mostly straight women), make them feel comfortable and happy. There's an unfortunate power dynamic, because they "need" my skills and I "need" their payment. So one way to smooth the way through that is for me to flirt with them. It's an old contractor trick, and a stereotype that I suppose I should be embarrassed to embody.

Anyway.

I tend to be interested in women who are passionate about SOMETHING. Our ability to convey our passion in a way that turns the other person on is what makes a date hours long, or 15 minutes long.

Dating is about discovering someone as an independent entity. I want to date someone who will enchant me with tales of what they're reading, doing, competing in, performing and dreaming of. If each of us isn't SuPER interesting when we're single, I don't expect we will be more interesting once in a relationship. And that doesn't bode well...

Its my responsibility to be charming and fascinating and challenging and self-sufficient. That's my recipe for successful dating.

I like to have written correspondence with someone for a while before we go on a date. I can miss social cues in person (likewise, I can send them unintentionally), so I like to see the words on the page because I "read" that information best of all.

I'm by nature a friendly, playful person and I've realized that that is sometimes taken as flirting, when I don't intend it. I try to be conscious of that and if it happens repeatedly, I avoid the place where it happened, either online or in person, figuring that it's just not my "scene." When I find a pocket of reality where people really "get" me, I treasure it and return there as much as I can.

I'm not looking for someone to date; I'm still or maybe I should say, re-involved with my girlfriend whose house I just moved out of, but I guess I'd say that when I do flirt, it's through humor. In my family, when people really like each other, they tease and poke fun at each other, not in unkind ways, but in ways that say, "I see you better than anyone else in the world and I'm noticing little things that are unique to you."

That said, I tease any of my friends I really like, and that's not flirting. I went out with my best straight-guy friend last night, and I always tease him a lot and make him laugh at himself. He started doing the same to me, which I never get, and I love. We have a lot of "in" jokes that come from how well we know each other.

That's just friendship, and here's the difference between that and flirting: When I got home, I talked with my girlfriend on the phone, and teased her mercilessly, which was fun. She always knows more than anyone else in the room about any goddamn thing that comes up and I like to cut right through that and point out how cynical and overly serious and sometimes officious she is. It catches her off guard—I don't think it happens much in her life—and she laughs like a little kid. Sometimes there is a daring quality in my tone, as if I'm daring her to defy my "take" on her, and it completely disarms her. There is none of that with the friend I went out with last night, none of that "Bet you can't pin me down" energy.

What are some other ways or methods that you have used to meet potential dates?

What worked?

What didn't and why?

do not rely on instant messaging if you really want
to get to know someone

stick to emails

or the phone

to avoid misunderstandings

:|
(w)

I start conversations. I usually compliment someone and ask a question or two. I like to do this at things like talent shows, open mics, or friends' parties. I feel like it gives you a better chance to talk to someone and have a real conversation.

That being said, I can't say for certain that any of it has worked. I definitely approach people, but I don't think they realize I'm flirting with them.

One time when I was working in the coat check at the bar I was flirting hard with someone. Their friend came to get them and said they were leaving. I was saying goodbye when they leaned through the window and kissed me! They snuck away from their friend a couple hours later at a bar a few blocks away to come back and give me their number. That totally worked for me!

I would advise that if there's any way possible to meet around a common interest, not sexual preference, that might help.

When my two butch pals and I were single at the same time we started a social group (and this is not just a plug) called Butch/Femme Socials. The idea was that it's nice to meet online but how about meeting our target dating pool in person. So we opted to create meet ups that weren't just in bars, but around stuff to do: movies, dinners, poker, bowling, formal dances, etc. That way some of the pressure of one on one was taken off. Ten plus years, yeah, we're still going with less frequency to our parties/socials.

Yes, we even started Slut Night as one of our events but that is another story and it was great to hear it went to other butch/femme communities across the country.

I am polyamorous so that colors my dating a little differently. I still feel like Joe Dork Butch when I meet a new person for coffee or drinks. I don't feel like I am interviewing femmes but I do feel they have often had that style of dating. I want to hear what drives them, what was the best vacation they went on and why, I want to know what they're passionate about, I want to know what they've learned about __________fill in the blank with their choice of topic sex, relationships, the world, books, movies, etc.

I don't mind asking people out on dates or having them ask me--I may be butch and a Top but have at it....nothing ventured/nothing gained!

One of the things we learned from doing the Butch/Femme Socials is--having greeters at our events so that everyone was made to feel welcome. It's incredibly brave to walk into a bar or dance and not know anyone and dying to meet so and so across the room. So we do the middle school hook up <g> and make sure people meet each other.

I'll spare you the details of how we got these events off the ground but create an event and they will come has been our experience. Yes, we live in Gay Mecca--San Francisco and there's 500 plus on our mailing list but still, people are still shy. MANY have moved here---why try to lure your potential date to not only a community with few butch/femme let alone Gays, but move to where the fishing is easier.

As to being Googled---um, if you have nothing to hide then who cares and if you want to get your personal info. off there, you can do that too with regular maintenance.

Bad first dates, oh yeah. Great first dates, yeah had those too. Yes, I'd love to put that book together. Some want to be "friends" first, that doesn't work for me--friends are who I watch the game with not make out with. Some don't want to label it a date, well then we might as well be two people baking cookies--it's a date. I can usually tell on the first date whether there's anything I want to pursue, nerves aside, I can tell.

Rope--

maybe friend means different things to different people?

what I am talking about is someone being
interested in you as a person not just a sex partner

someone who will care about your well being
who is supportive of outside friendships
who has and nurtures their own

someone who cares about your dreams and does not
expect you to give them up for their dreams
someone who knows how to be there in hard times
outside of the bed
who lives their life with integrity
someone who is willing to compromise ,sometimes

someone you can have faith in at all times
and in all circumstances
someone who knows how to play and has a sense of humor

that takes time to learn outside and separate from
the beginning lust stuff

the whole fucking enchilada
that's what I'm talking about
not just a hook up

but "relationship material"

Agree. Don't get me wrong; lust is great ;). A sexual chemistry is what differentiates a potential partner from just a friend. It's important to me that a partner enjoys that erotic connection (with me!)

But I also want someone who will be my buddy. Someone I can lean on and who can come to me as well. Without that friendship, sex becomes just an act.

Um .... looks like some nuns have jumped too :praying:

Funny post Ciaran, made me laugh out loud. Thanks:)

I started this thread for us to share about our dating experiences, to exchange tips and ideas, as well as for support.

This morning, I am also thinking about the not-so-fun side of dating.

There are many reasons why I honestly do not like dating. I look at it as a necessary "evil" ( just coining a phrase here folks-of course it is not evil at all).

Since "the one" is not going to just walk up and knock on our door uninvited, there is time and energy that goes into dating.

My hours at my job are now long. I rarely get a lunchtime (eat @ my desk) and breaks are a thing of my past.

When I get home @ 6 or 7, honestly, I am pretty done in. Chats on the phone in the evening, during the week are difficult for me.

What is really the hardest for me, is letting someone that is, on the face of it, a potentially wonderful partner know that the chemistry is not happening for me.

I find myself in this position with one of the women that I have been dating. We have had 3-4 dates because I wanted to be sure.

I absolutely hate to tell her somehow, someway. I did not want to tell her in a text, email or on the phone. That does not feel right to me. As hard as it is, I need to tell her in person and I am dreading it.

I know it is the right thing to do. Looking into someone's face and telling them, as nicely as I know how, "I am sorry but I don't feel it for you" or " "I don't feel that we/I have sexual chemistry together"?

I frankly could never, ever picture myself having sex with her.

How do I tell her? What do I say? What is the best way to stop dating someone and to preserve their self-esteem at the same time?

I have no idea. I think you can tell how often I have been in this position. I truly can't remember when.

Ideas? Suggestions?

Help!

Serial Dater
 

I once had a date with a sweet sweet woman who brought her Star Wars figurine collection with her to talk about during DINNER.

I have to say I was pretty impressed at the condition of her figurines and BORED.

So I payed for dinner, shook her hand and told her it was great but I wasn't interested.

I like to cut things quickly if nothing is going on, some dating lasted longer but if it was just dating then I made it clear it was simply that dating. I didn't have an expectation that a relationship was going to happen nor did I want them to have that same expectation.



That's why dating *for me* is enjoyable, I can date multiple people, or not and take my time getting to know them.

The only thing I can say is that honesty really is the best way to go about anything even if it may hurt a bit. It's just finding the right way to do it. You could always just tell her that you really enjoy her company, assuming that you do, but that you think you are better off being ... (yes here comes that dreaded word that people who are dating hate to hear)... friends. You don't really have to say that you are not physically attracted to her unless she asks you why???

Or while you are out.. you could say.. hey.. I really cherish you as my friend.. ty for that.. or you are a really good friend to me.. something like that...lol.

Or I really enjoy your friendship, let's not ruin what we have by making this about sex.

Really, who am I to give anyone advice. Being an introvert myself, I am not very good at any of this.

I guess if I was dating someone and they were not physically attracted to me, I would want to know as soon as possible so that I would not bring any further romantic feelings into what we had. Just tell me... but don't say.. hey you are butt ugly (I know it's not always about looks) and you just don't do it for me. Say.. hey Sleepy... I really like you as my friend and I would like to continue growing just a friendship with you if you are okay with that.

Just a few thoughts anyway..

I think that maybe I went out with her a few too many times.

I have had coffee with several that it was easy to just say thanks but no thanks.

I also really wish that I felt "that way" about her.

She is stable, solid, mature, retired, financially well-off, funny and a very sweet butch.

Oh and she really likes me.

I guess I think that I should feel that way about her.

Damn.