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Sarcasm, Scathing Witticisms & Uninspiring Quotes
a safe little lockdown to get that crappy little comment (yours or someone else's) or your favorite hilarious but truly insulting quote out of your head so you can stop feeling bad about yourself and go back to being the charming little tidbit of perfection that you are!
~~~~~~~~~~ "i feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." stephen bishop "[he's]...a legend in his own lunchtime." rex harrison "i can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. steven pearl "thank god you've insulted me! that means that i don't have to be nice anymore." billy idol "every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." h. l. mencken "sometimes i need what only you can provide: your absence." ashleigh brilliant ~~~~~~~~~~ carry on.... |
Equal opportunity means everybody will have a fair chance at being incompetent. - Laurence J. Peter
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, pee in it, and serve it to the people that piss you off. - Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts |
i've had a really enjoyable evening! this wasnt it.
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"I wouldn't suck your lousy dick if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls!" Hilary Taylor as Taffy in Female Trouble
"If I wanted that comeback I'da scraped it outta yer mouth" - My friend Holly when I got sassy once |
o lookee, my signature line made the list!
I also love a good gladhanding. "You have the greatest untapped potential of anyone I've ever met." "Her plastic surgeon has such a delightful sense of humor." "I don't care what anyone says about you, I think you are a fabulous person!" |
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. - Unknown
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THAT'S your insult? Dude! Breast milk is harsher than that! (my brother Daniel when hated on by an asshat on a Seattle bus)
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[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gb_1JZW-Ab0"]YouTube- 2010 Polish American String Band "The Jokers Ball"[/ame]
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he has all the virtues i dislike and none of the vices i admire
winston churchill there's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation wont cure. jack leonard |
please say the following in a thick russian accent
be quiet now. your voice is giving me diarrhea. my grandmother |
“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
(the earlier "child of five" comment was Groucho Marx) |
“Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.”
“Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.” “Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.” “Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” - Mark Twain |
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” - Winston Churchill
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” - William Faulkner “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” - Ernest Hemingway “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” - Abraham Lincoln “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - Irvin S. Cobb “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker “He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” - Billy Wilder |
Winston Churchill - Sultan of Scathing
Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk. Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober. Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea. Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it. The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative. |
"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more." - Justin's dad (shitmydadsays)
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“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”
- Oscar Levant |
"Shopping is HARD, and you're to blame...!" (as misheard and sung by my 4 year old cousin Jake, to the tune of Bon Jovi)
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I like you because. . . .
We get along because..
The same exact thing that is wrong with you, is wrong with me... DEX |
Sarcasm is the weed that spoils our gardens. ~Jeff Bridges
If I asked you to talk, I didn't mean to. ~ Glenda Casey |
“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” - George Bernard Shaw
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde "You have delighted us long enough." - Jane Austen |
"You are literally to stupid to insult" from the movie Hangover
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"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." Robert Redford "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” Samuel Johnson “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” Paul Keating “He had delusions of adequacy.” Walter Kerr “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” Mark Twain “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” Mae West |
my ex boss, from jamaica (apparently a saying where she grew up):
"It's not my fault you're ugly/fat/skinny/stupid. Take that attitude out of my face." "too post modern to care." - friend's description and disclaimer "I am god and you are shit. now fuck off." - drunk on the 73 to dalston. "quit verbally pissing on me, will you. Catheterise that stench. Jesus wept till you shut UP." - arsey remark from friend to another friend whilst playing pool as chatty gal wouldn't shut up while one person was taking a shot. reply? "can't help it. your extreme pool moves are making my ureatha twitch. I think your groove is giving me cystitis." |
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
frank zappa Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. ambrose bierce Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar drew carey What have you been reading, the Gospel According to St. Bastard? eddie izzard :rrose: |
some people are like phones: they like to be held, talked to, and touched often. but push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected! :phonegab: |
Live or die, but don't poison everything.
--Anne Sexton And, I have a good mind to memorize and store some of these for later use: <click> |
don't let your mind wander. it's to small to be outside by itself. (kathy griffin)
sweetie, you have your whole life to be a jerk. feel free to take a day off now and then. (me) |
I have a "carpe diem" mug and, truthfully, at six in the morning the words do not make me want to seize the day. They make me want to slap a dead poet. ~Joanne Sherman
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Oscar Wilde
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Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. Oops, you dropped your personality. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege. Nice dress. What make is it? Clearance? You're proof that evolution can go in reverse. |
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand. (My personal favorite)
Now ye may let the verbal beat downs fly with glorious flair, thou weed ridden urchin-snouted maggot-pie! "No, if I was being mean, when you opened the door, I would've said, 'Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home?' You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash." --Stewie Griffin |
They worship the ground that he walks away from.
~Sarcasm Society :canadian: |
You're about as useful as a popcorn fart.
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Quote:
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PRECISELY!! ;) (Sorry, no pic of popcorn farts to be had ... thankfully!) *lil snort* |
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvgN5gCuLac"]YouTube- George Carlin Talks About "Stuff"[/ame]
:cracked::popcorn: |
Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy. ~ Anon
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Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance Here's how Powell should have produced his evidence to the UN: "We're absolutely sure Saddam has weapons of mass destruction because WE SOLD THEM TO HIM! And I have the receipts RIGHT HERE!" (Powell holds up receipts) Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. :hiding: |
"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy." - Damien Harrison
"Satire is great, but for Nazis you use baseball bats and broken bottles." - Woody Allen "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" Bumper Sticker "Considering my last relationship, I'd rather have the extra rib." - Unknown "All extremists should be taken out and shot." - Unknown "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." - Bumper Sticker "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!" - Bumper Sticker |
And which dwarf are you?
I refuse to star in your psychodrama. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. Whisper my favorite words: "I'm leaving now." |
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