Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships
 

For the past year I've struggled to come to terms with the verbally abusive and toxic relationship I had with my ex. I know it will take a long time to fully heal from the damage. I also know I'm not alone. Millions of people have been in verbally, physically, and sexually abusive relationships. In some cases, all three.

I'd like to start a thread discussing the potential warning signs of abusive relationships, which may help those who might be unknowingly entering into one think twice about getting further involved. Also, for those who have difficulty recognizing them often and follow a harmful pattern. (I definitely fall into this category).

For those of you who have been in abusive relationships and feel comfortable sharing:

• What were your first warning signs that something was wrong?
• Were there actions or behaviors that you may have missed or dismissed at first only to later realize were big red flags?
• Do you have any advice you'd like to give to others so they they too, don't go through what you've been through?

Education is very important and how many of us have come from families where we were treated less-than-lovingly and therefore weren't quite aware how we were supposed to be treated in relationships as an adult?

This is our thread. Survivors-turned-educators unite!

You're certainly not alone.... <3

It takes a lot of strength to leave even a bad situation....

I will likely post here at a time when I can better collect my thoughts on the matter...

:|

It is the holiday season.

and you want to go there now?

Why?

Are the holidays not tough enough for those of us who are already struggling?

Alone?

Etc.?

This feels like a bash party. Already mentioning exes as the abusers. :seeingstars:


Every story has sliver of truth. Not the whole truth.

You know what? This has got to be at least the third thread of mine where you have tried to tell me what to write or what to talk about. You even had the nerve to send me a private message once telling me you didn't like my topic and what I should write about instead. I believe your suggestion was, "Best pick-up lines"?

I ignored you because I couldn't believe any member would have the nerve to actually PM another member to tell them what to write. You are not a moderator. I don't know you. I have no idea what you problem is with me but get over it. If something I've written is offensive or in violation of the TOS on this board, a moderator will tell me, not you.

I know I don't technically have the right to tell you not to post anything on my threads anymore but I really wish you wouldn't. This thread was not about you or your feelings on appropriate or inappropriate topics.

I wasn't thinking about "the Holidays" when I wrote this. Do you honestly think I wrote about my own personal pain and opened up like that so somebody I don't even know can tell me it's inappropriate timing!? This isn't a Holiday board! If all you can handle is Fun/Fluff topics than stick to those threads and leave my serious ones alone. I don't want to hear it from you anymore.

*steps off soapbox*

Now, for everyone else who wants to have a serious, honest discussion about this, please feel free to share. This thread is for support and open communication. Understanding the red flags of abuse is incredibly important. It could save a life. This goes doubly in a community that often overlooks domestic abuse among same-sex couples.

Does abuse stop on holidays? Is it exempt from occurring in Dec...Guess I do actually learn something new everyday

MESSAGE FROM MODS:

There have been a number of reported posts from this thread. Warning signs of an abusive relationship is an important issue and does sometimes come up more around the holidays which are a stressful time for many. Because it's a stressful time for many of us and a heated topic in general, let's all make an effort to state our opinions respectfully and stick to the topic. Also, please do not post in a specific way about someone on the site. This doesn't mean you can't post on this thread if you have an abusive ex on the site. After all, sometimes we end up in a pattern of abusive relationships, so it wouldn't be fair to tell people who have dated anyone on this site who they deem to have been abusive not to post. Just use some judgment in not posting about a specific person and the specific experiences with that person and instead focus on your own experience in general in relation to warning signs of abuse.

the warning signs I can tell you about are as follows:

they isolate you and themselves from everything

the littlest thing sets them off

your always at fault even if you had NOTHING to do with whatever is ticking them off

Not all abuse is physical most of the time it starts out verbally or emotional which is just as damaging if not more so. who can see it.

My advice would be try to remember that NO matter what anyone else says U r just as important. No one has the right to make you their punching bag. There is help out there use it

I want to post more however now isnt the time

Thank you very much for this. I think it's very important that I clarify that this post is not some thinly-veiled attempt to "call out" the ex that I used as an example. That person is not on this board. If this person was, I would not be here and I would not be opening this topic up for discussion. This thread also has nothing to do with requesting sympathy from anyone for what I've been through. My only intention (for those of who are familiar with my threads, I use this word a lot) was to start a discussion among survivors who might be able to help others through either the process of recovery or the prevention of a possibly unsafe relationship by understanding red flags and warning signs before the relationship progresses.

Considering may people also engage in long-distance relationships (myself included) understanding the warning signs before uprooting your life and moving in with someone (or having that person move in with you) could potentially save a lot of money, heartbreak, time, energy, and maybe even a life.

I really would like this to be a healthy, open discussion from here on in.

I was involved in an abusive relationship. This was several years ago. It was difficult for me to come to the realization that I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. My biggest sign was when I withdrew from my family and friends. I lied to cover up for small things that the ex did and my anxiety was through the roof. I began working longer hours as to not spend too much time at home. I completely lost my identity and became someone I didn't recognize. Trying not to go into "war stories" but these were my signs.

Thank you for starting this thread.

Thoughts
 

*I* personally believe that to stop the pattern or attract abusers is to learn out *self worth*, sometimes we end up in bad situations because we don't realize or accept our value and settle for someone treating us in a way that we should not be treated. Sometimes when we are in that space we miss signs such as:

isolation from friends and family

verbal attacks, twist on words to deflect off their actions

anyone raising their hand at you or threatening you

feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend

having to watch what you say or do to avoid a blow up

they try to control you

they belittle you

If you or anyone you love feel like you are in an abusive situation please call someone for help, get some therapy, but don't ever keep it a secret or not tell anyone when you are feeling any of these things...

Please KNOW that isnt always the femme that is abused sometimes it is the butch or ftm who is being abused

just like it isnt always women being abused by men

take gender or gender identity out of it

Abusers come in all shapes and sizes just cause YOU think they look like the girl/boy next door doesnt mean they R

I've been in a number of abusive relationships (prior to my long-term current relationship). For those of us from abusive families, an abusive relationship can feel comfortable because it is familiar and our "normal." Conversely, a healthy relationship can initially, in my experience, feel uneasy, even boring. I've been in my current relationship over eight years, and it's been a growing process to get used to receiving consistent kindness and even to relax and enjoy it. Anyway, here are some of the memories that come to mind as signs that I was in an abusive relationship:

- the person treats me beautifully in public in front of people we know and horrible at home

- someone at work looked at me and said, "Something is wrong in your life right now. You can deny it but I can see it everyday on your face."

- there are sometimes no triggers at all why someone frequently blows up, i have to guess why, and if it ever does come to light it makes no sense, is nothing i could have ever predicted

- i'm not sleeping, not eating right, not exercising, crying, always trying to please the person, spending most of the relationship in conflict, with the occasional high of being forgiven for the moment, making lists of why to stay or leave, constantly thinking about leaving or breaking up and getting back together over and over

**Big Trigger alert**
 

My ex-husband was an abuser.

Since he is a bio man and is now married to his third wife, he is not on this site.

I really did not see warning signs but I married him at 18 to escape my abusive parents, so it was what I knew and what was familiar.

The first time he hit me, he backhanded me across the face.

It got really bad when I was pregnant.

The worst was when he sat on my stomach when I was pregnant with my second baby and punched me.

>>> Statically, 1 in 6 abused women reports that her partner first became abusive during pregnancy. According to the Center for Disease Control, at least 4 to 8 percent of pregnant women report suffering abuse.

6 months after my second baby was born, we split and never went back together. The day he moved out, I found a therapist.

I learned a lot in therapy about what I felt I deserved and what I was worth. I still struggle with those core beliefs. Hard to undo 18-years of training. Not impossible, just very difficult.

I have not been with an abuser since.

Honestly, it feels like a lifetime ago for me.

I remember it like watching a movie that happened to someone else.

Anger management issues should be a red flag. Getting inappropriately angered over a minor situation, and or not being able to wait for a proper time to discuss things. Lashing out in a public manner would be a huge red flag to me. They don't seem to care that God and everyone with in a 20 mile raduis knows they are angry. They take their anger out by doing things like drive way too fast and cut people off. There is a time and place for everything, if they can't wait for the proper time and place that should be a red flag.
They have intitlement issues. If they are wronged in some way they want to even the score. They are vengeful. Even in small matters. Someone doesn't take off fast enough when a red light turns green so they fly around them and then slam on their brakes when they get in front of that person just to "teach them a lesson".

The way they treat strangers and the way they treat anyone, is eventually the way they will treat you.
How many close friends do they have? How many long term friends do they have? If the answer is none or very few you have to ask yourself why is that?
If they are not close with their family on top of having little to no friends you have to wonder why. Now I know some families really suck and are disfunctional beyond repair, but you can't over look the fact that they have no contact with family and very few friends.
If they are what is called a job hopper. Can't keep a job for very long . Has been fired a lot from jobs. You have to wonder why. It can't always be everyone elses fault.
They try to keep you away from your friends and family. Or come up with reasons why they don't like this friend or that friend and don't you to be around them. You are both adults and as an adult you have to learn to get along with others . The better you can get along with people even ones that irritate you, the more successful you will be in life. As adults we don't cut people out of our lives because someone decided they don't want you around someone.You end a friendship or severe ties with a loved one because you decided that person is not good for you someone else doesn't get to decide that. And you picked these friends long before they came along they don't have the right to decide who gets to be your friend and who doesn't. But you have the right to decide that they need to pick a new girlfriend.
If someone makes a statement like, I am not relationship material, or you don't want to be in a relationship with me, I'm too this or too that. Believe them !!! And run right then!!! DO NOT ASK WHY and don't think you want to prove them wrong by trying. JUST RUN !!! Trust the universe did you a favor and count your blessing every step you take in the opposite direction.

Okay I hope that helped a little . I am sure I will think of more and post again later. I am not an expert by any stretch and I have never been in an abusive relationship, I have been blessed to have had many wonderful femmes in my life, a few bad apples too but never abusive. But I have seen many friends of mine, go through things, so these are a few mental notes I have taken through the years.

From those who have come forward with their signs, it's like reading my own story. It's very validating for me to know that now, looking back, I'm seeing those signs for what they are and also recognizing them when they come back around. I recently saw these red flags in someone I was casually seeing a few months back and hy lied about trivial things, went from calm to angry instantly, and tried to tell me what I could and couldn't tell my family. This time, I knew enough to walk away and that's a good thing. It's progress.

I think there is something to say for feeling self-worth. I know now beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love and respect myself. I thought I did before I got into that abusive relationship. I actually had everything going for me at the time. I had a great job, a great living situation with my roommate, and I was physically healthier than I'd ever been. I was on top of the world. Then, my ex and I got back in contact and, as crazy as it may sound, it was as though I was under some sort of spell.

Within 3 months, I had moved 800 miles away from everything I had ever known to be with hym. Quit school. Sold my car and everything. I knew it was a mistake the next day. I felt it. Something about the way hy looked at me and talked to me was completely different. Like hys guard dropped because hy didn't have to put up a front anymore. I mean, I say I knew but I think only a small part of me figured it out. The rest stayed in denial. That's the mode of survival. Should I have turned around and moved back? Of course. But that would mean I was thinking rationally at the time, which I certainly wasn't.

Anyway, it doesn't matter that hy and I knew each other off and on for the better part of a decade. You really don't know someone until you live with them. When it's long-distance, it can be much easier to miss the red flags. And, like others have said, if abuse, whether physical or mental was "normal" for you growing up, you really don't see them at all even if they are glaring to others.

I think the true sign of being out of the pattern is feeling sick to your stomach when you think what you put up with for so long. I used to think that disgusted feeling was a bad thing but maybe it's not. Maybe it's a sign of growth.

Thankfully, I have not had an abusive relationship since I came out, and only one with a man that could be called abusive. That said, I second all of JAGG's post, and won't reinvent the wheel. I also add these:

*I wish I'd paid attention to drinking behavior very early in the relationship. I'm not calling all drinking a harbringer of abuse. I am saying that someone whose personality changes drastically, who becomes angry when drinking, or whose free time revolves around drinking or partying may be showing signs of alcoholism at the least, and may be abusive when drunk.

*It's OK to admire someone. But don't do as I did and put someone on a pedestal and make that person a font of wisdom to straighten out your life. A non-abusive person will get back down and will demand a relationship of equals. An abusive person, however, will "know what is best for you" and you will end up with no voice and no right (in their eyes) to question them. That's a very powerless feeling.

*Watch out for the Nice Guy, who is kind to you not because they are a kind person but because they are putting "kind deeds" into an emotional bank account, out of which they want to "pay" for a relationship with you. This is someone who may come on too good to be true, or who is always there with a shoulder to lean on, but if you tell them you don't like them as a partner but only as a friend, watch out! You'll be called a bitch, or worse. I've had this happen with men, but I'm pretty sure a variation happens in B-F relationships.

Advice is really hard to give, as there are so many individual stories. I'd say trust your gut and your "little voice". If it feels wrong, back away.

I grew up in a highly toxic environment (complete with unimaginable acts of abuse committed against me). So, for the longest time, after I divorced myself from my family, I made a deal with myself to remain committed to my own personal safety – but yet, doing that alone was not enough – as I learned over the course of three other similar toxic and highly abusive situations. But, it’s been awhile since I have been in a toxic, abusive relationship.

Technically speaking: The last toxic and abusive relationship I was in (which was several years ago now), was the tipping point which helped me to make better decisions for my own personal safety and well being.

Here are a couple of ideas from past experiences I can share about:

• If you have a close set of friends who know you well and they come to you and try to talk to you about sudden changes in your life, pay attention to them: Listen to them - try really hard to hear what they’re saying. They know you best and are acting in your best interest and are trying to help you.
• If you don’t have anyone to turn to, seek the assistance of your local DV shelter for counseling and support. Counselors and therapists who work with people who are in toxic and abusive relationships are highly trained professionals and will give you the best advice possible. Act on their advice, even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Their advice is the most objective and seeks the highest level of safety for you.

Remember: Be gentle and kind to you.
Be the best friend you can be to yourself (first).
Know your own limits and reward yourself for making good decisions.
Surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you (and listen to them).

Abusive people often use the same tools to accomplish their goals of humiliating their partners, making them feel unsafe, controlling them, etc.

* Underlying currents of dominance where they try different tactics to control you. Whether it be shaming you for what you wear to limiting your access to family, friends, money, or a vehicle.
* Never taking responsibility for their behavior or choices. Instead, they might find ways to make it your fault or the fault of everyone around them and thus, will have an "excuse" to act out.
* Intimidation is a big one - Threats to you or your family. Trying to fuck with your job. Physical abuse.


There are a lot of good resources here:
http://www.rainbowdomesticviolence.itgo.com

Abuse comes in many forms and disguises.

And it never, never, ever seems to take a holiday.

As some first responders will share, holidays are the worst.

Like many I feel as if I have received my full "share" of what I call abuse.

Every story is told from the perspective of the story teller. My story is no different. I can share what little I have learned on my earth walk. Maybe it helps someone, maybe it doesn't. I prefer to listen and encourage the speaker. Rehashing the past, telling my "story " has not helped me heal any faster or better. Forgiving, having gratitude, sharing material and spiritual gifts has been the best healing process for me.

Many "helpers" appear when I least expect to point the way for me in various forms. Books, quotes that folks here at BFP post, friends casual talks, weird movies, odd moments, something my grandchildren say or do.

Thank you for sharing your perspective regarding your experience with me. Noted.

Grainne, I am quoting you below. What you wrote in this quote speaks massive volumes to me. When I read this, the last of my confusion fell away - everything became crystal clear. Thank you so much for your post!
You've no idea how much it helped me to read it.

-----------------------------------------

Quoting Grainne:
*Watch out for the Nice Guy, who is kind to you not because they are a kind person but because they are putting "kind deeds" into an emotional bank account, out of which they want to "pay" for a relationship with you. This is someone who may come on too good to be true ...

-----------------------------------------

By the way -
Please forgive my presentation style (or lack of) ... I am using a cell phone. And it has issues.

The emotional bank account thing rings true for me as well and I'll even add a bit to it: Anyone who does something for you and then turns around and uses that act against you in an argument or heated discussion is a red flag. "Well, I did this and this and this for you and you can't do that for me?" I mean, I could see someone being upset in a relationship where they were receiving no reciprocity but that can also be used as a means to confuse and control. Especially if you have no clear understanding of what's being asked of you or what you're being asked to do is in some way inappropriate in the context of your relationship. It's a grey area and hard to describe but I feel it's a red flag, even if it's one that can be easy to mask or hide.

Another one, which could be added to this for clarity, is the rules always change. What was okay one day is not okay the next and it happens often. This is another way an abuser can confuse their target and make them turn it around on themselves. This is verbal/emotional abuse at its finest.

Emotional blackmail can also be added to this. You've "done something" that has angered your partner but they refuse to explain it to you, instead denying love and using this "indiscretion" as a means to justify further abuse. Very creepy and unfortunately, very effective.

thank you for this thread...
 

Some of what I read here has been my past experience....but only once, not quite for a year.....and after therapy I learned to not ignore those red flags and how lucky I was to have gotten out of it in that time frame.

I want to add that people who are abusive will target others who are naive, non confrontational, accepting and more. I guess it is a form of profiling (from the abusers) and has nothing to do with love. Sometimes there are only brief moments of what feels like "normal"....and support comes indirectly from places like this thread, when read can also leave someone who experienced abuse to feel not so alone and that there is hope......of getting beyond it and learning.

A few years ago, I took a great class on relationship skills through the Northwest Network, which is a Seattle-based organization for GLBT survivors of abuse. Here is a link to some resources on their website.

Cara

Thanks for making this point.

I agree with a lot of what's been said .....
* Isolation from friends and family
* angry outbursts out of the blue
* the silent treatment for no reason
* putting their behavior on you such as accusing you of lying when there's no grounds for it
* not communicating which is vital for any healthy relationship

I've learned to listen to that little gut instinct because it's always right. I also agree that it's a valid thread especially this time of year. Lots of people are stressed and/or depressed this time of year and take it out on the ones closest to them.

Another one, which could be added to this for clarity, is the rules always change. What was okay one day is not okay the next and it happens often. This is another way an abuser can confuse their target and make them turn it around on themselves. This is verbal/emotional abuse at its finest.

A good point. An emotional abuser can turn things around and make you believe it's YOU that's the problem. Some are very good at it

Something that always surprises me about abuse is the talent abusers have for misdirection. They seem especially skilled at shining light on the normal human stupidity and flaws of others thus making themselves look less culpable or even innocent.

Recently heard a group of people speak, in turn, about what it was like to be taken in by an abuser. One guy talked about not knowing that his best friend was an abuser and how traumatic the discovery was. He wasn't even in denial. He simply didn't see it because the man was just that good at what he did. Another woman spoke about being in denial and ignoring some things that had set off warning sirens in her head. Took her years to realize that the abuser she knew was manipulating her into doubting herself so she talked herself out of seeing what was in front of her face. One woman spoke about refusing to believe, despite seeing evidence every day, that a long time close friend was abusing his partner. Most of them had a story about a third person who pointed out their denial and several talked very frankly about either a pre-existing or a sudden underlying feeling of dislike for the person being abused which helped prevent them from seeing the truth. But every story had the same feature: the abuser was good at garnering sympathy for themselves, were able to sound very reasonable to friends and family, and were skilled at magnifying the flaws and mistakes of the abused person in a way that made that person seem easy to dislike or discount. They also talked about resisting the truth when it was presented to them and trying to find a way to excuse the abuser's behavior. Only about 1/4 of them believed abuse was taking place the first time they were told about it.

Well said.

My girl's therapist gave me a website to check out in order to read more about the experiences of other people. Some of the stuff is pretty hard to take. Had to tackle it in small sessions.

www.lovefraud.com

emotional abuse comes in a lot of forms I guess I did not see it at first possibly because of my growing up and not being wanted or as I thought loved (by my mother ). I stayed in a relationship that was emotionally abusive for 12 years and did not see it at first perhaps I thought I deserved it and in a way it was subtle. but there were signs like I would never show her my writing because she would pick it apart laugh. one year I was away overseas with the military during Thanksgiving and I called home and emailed I got fussed at for calling to early and told to make sure I used punctuational and watch my spelling. a big turning point was at her baby shower that I threw for her a co worker of mine came my Corporal and after she was worried enough about me to go to our Sgt because of the way she treated me an talked to me the CPL was worried I was in a emotional abusive relationship. the thing for me was I did not want to be alone so I took it my self worth was not there and there was a child our daughter and she could take her from me. MY EX is not a bad person and she is not on the site she would be belittling of us here her self worth is damaged to from how she grew up. it is a cycle .. that I will not allow to be passed to our daughter.. I grew from this and with the help and love from a lot of people here in this space I realized that I am worthy that I don't need to change to be loved and then I met desd and I was trying to be anything just me and she loves me all of me flaws everything

This thread as really made my brain hurt but not in a really bad way. Im am now able to see what when and by whom. I wont ignore the signs again.

Most ppl who get into abusive relationship had their 1st abuser as a child someone who was suppose to love, and PROTECT them. My first abuser was my father hell he still tries and in some ways is still doing it.

Im sure if he had been there when I was born I may not be here today. That is a truth I feel and Im thankful that I am here today and God willing will be here for some time to come.

I have been in several abusive relationship however each and everyone of them was different in some form.

One was dealing with mental illness and she really tried NOT to put it on to others however things happened. I learned to read her and tell when she wasnt holding together well. She refused to get help at the time. I finally had to go.

Im still processing the others. I have had to take a long hard look at ME. I have had to change things about ME.

An abuser KNOWS what to look for in their victims. They are professionals at it. They know how to portray this innocence that draws us in, makes us believe they arent who they truly are.

I am NOT saying we are at fault for being abused. I AM saying that some how each of us has just what they are looking for. They can find us in a crowd even after we have worked so hard not to be seen. Thankfully over time each of us finds US that deserves to be treated as we treat others.

I dont know the statics on butches who are abused however I know that men, whether bio or FtM, report less abuse then women. Mostly due to shame that is surrounding it. Most of the time it isnt even found out about till AFTER they have been killed by their partner. Most men and unfortunately believe that if they were to bring charges against the woman for being the abuser that no one would BELIEVE them.

I know that I have a lot of work left to do and I AM doing it. I know im worth more then I have ever been told by these ppl and one day I hope that I am able to have the healthy relationship that I WANT and DESERVE. I hope and pray this for every single person who is or has yet to be abused.

I know for me standing up, not letting ANYONE tell me what I can or cant do regarding my life is what I need to do to keep me safe.

There are resources out there. I have to say they are geared more towards women and really geared toward those with kids. Use them!!

I have had great friends thru the years that have helped me get out of these situations and I'm so thankful for that.

Ok stepping off my soap box

Abuse
 

Great thread I am glad to see folks talking about this. It happens more often then people think and by people that no one suspects. Abusers make excuses for their behavior and can go years undetected. Thanks for this thread.

Yes. Everything you just said here. Yes.

And what others have said about abusers having a talent for misdirection and being able to "hone in" on those who are naive, trusting, and inexperienced. It does help me to read these words as I'm sure it does others. I'm so glad this thread is moving in a positive, healing, educational direction. Thank you to everyone who helped me steer it that way. :)

I also want to add that it's important to talk about abuse against butches, male-identified butches, and transgender folks as this is often highly overlooked. It can be very difficult to get authorities and sometimes even friends and family to believe that the abuse is occurring in this way because of preconceived societal gender roles. I think this is especially true in the case of one partner (let's say the femme) is pushing every single solitary button on the other partner (let's say a trans guy) that when hy finally does explode and verbally defend hymself, hy's seen as or treated as the abuser.

Everybody has their breaking point and verbal abusers are very VERY adept at hitting long-buried triggers and making their targets speak or behave in ways completely out of character for them in a normal, healthy setting. It reminds me of a bully sitting in back of you in class and poking you with the lead of a pencil 20 times. When you finally turn around and blow up at them, you're the one sent to the principal's office. It's a truly sick 'talent'.