Under 30 - Coming Up and Coming Out
 

ButchFemmePlanet has been fantastically blessed to have esteemed member, Selenay, accept the position of Youth Ambassador.


To kick off the discussion, she has written up a blurb to get us all thinking:

"Dyke" "Butch" "Femme" "Trans" "Queer" "Transsensual" "Gay" "Intersexed"

What happens before you're sure you're any of those things? Gender and sexuality are a constant evolution, a constant cycle. For some, they know that they are gay their whole lives; for others, it's a learning process that takes years, if not decades. Being young and queer--or even young and questioning--is probably the hardest place of all to be. Not only do you have to contend with school and friends, work and pleasure, but you have the added struggle of trying to figure out who you are, and who you love... As well as what that means.

Nobody is born with all the answers, and nobody finds them overnight. Taking the first step is where everyone starts.

Hey Selenay,

Even though I am over 30, I wanted to post something if that is ok. Growing up, I knew that I was gay and living with my dad who was homophobic, was hard. When I was 28 years old, he passed away and I felt like I could finally be myself. I officially came out to everyone when I was 31 and I have never had any regrets about waiting so long. I was able to find out who I was and what I wanted out of life.

Thanks to you and the Admin for starting this thread.

Have a good night,

Zimmy

I always kind of knew that something was up, but I didn't think I was gay because the thought of kissing someone wearing lipstick was SO not an attractive idea to me. See, that's what TV does to you - rots your brain!

I was in college before I ever met a butch, so I was in college before I knew I was gay. That's all it took. She was my roommate my junior year of college for a semester. Yep, I seduced my roommate and then went abroad to China. After that, I knew what I was looking for. Before then, I just had no idea what was out there or what was possible.

I'm sorry for the length of this post. It is late and my train of thought isn't spectacular, so I hope you can follow along. :)

I was 12 when I realized I liked girls. Sure, I could admit boys were physically good looking, but I was in no way interested in dating them. I grew up in a small town where everyone knows everyone, a school with no diversity (two African American students and three Chinese students, the rest Caucasian) , so being gay was a big no-no.

We moved to Arizona that summer since my father was stationed there, and I told my new group of friends I was bisexual. The guys thought it was cool, and the sister of one of my new friends identified bisexual as well. I was accepted.

Fast forward to our move to Washington (the state, yes I was a military brat). New friends again, I dated a few guys, but had longer and more satisfying relationships with girls. I came out as a lesbian at the age of 13. My parents told me it was a phase.

When I was 17 I told my mother again that I was a lesbian, and that I was dating a girl and had feelings for her beyond the 'friends' feelings. I just remember her not looking at me as I slid down the wall in tears and cried on the floor as she denied me recognition.

At 18, I went to college and met a guy 32 years old. I moved out of my house without telling my family I was leaving and started living my own life. We got engaged, and later on I became pregnant.. After miscarrying a short time later (something I have never told him), I admitted to him I was a lesbian. He told me that he always suspected I was, and gave me a month to move out. We had already been drifting and we were both talking to someone else, so it was a mutual ending. I moved in with my gay boys, later met a girl, and ended up moving in with her.

One day on the phone my mother asked me if I was living with her, and I told her yes. After many many conversations with my mother, and her seeing that I was happy and still had a "normal" life, my mother accepted me being a lesbian, sort of. My father was still against it and tried to pair me up with men regardless.

Now, at the age of 22 and almost 23, both of my parents have embraced it, and me. They no longer try to set me up with men. They absolutely love my girlfriend and her child, and even my father calls her my girlfriend, whether he is talking to me about her or if introducing her to extended family/friends of the family (Shocking, extremely).

So for those who may feel discouraged, sometimes it takes a very long time, just have to roll with the punches and keep ahold of who you are, because only you can live your life and make yourself happy.

Happiness can't be found, it's something you create.

P.S. A big thank you to my little sister, she has been my #1 supporter since I came out at 12 (when she was 6). Try and speak ill of LGBT folk and my sister will kick some serious ass. Anytime my folks would mention guys my sister would say something like "Oops, nope, she's still gay!" I love her.

Amen to that - Viva la butches!

I realized I was gay at 17. (bi around 11 or 12) I've never really came out. I don't see the point. Especially to family. I mean, I don't want them all up in my business. And if straight kids don't have to say anything, then I don't see the reason why I should.

I felt the same way for a long time, really until I started seeing women with children and it dawned on me by not coming out I was teaching them homophobia, they knew we weren't "just roommates" but the silence we practiced kept them silent about their lives as well. That was just my experience though.

Understandable. I'm sure my example isn't the best one for closeted youth, however I feel more at ease keeping it to myself. Once I come with a gf, then it's up to them to think what they want. Everyone has their own way, and some parents are more in tune to it than others.

Hello Everyone..

I knew something was up in high school when I was paying more attention to the cheerleaders than the football players..
I had my first encounter in the 8th grade with a kiss and since then I have never looked back..
When you are young and finding out your sexuality it is hard at times but you always should remember to be true to yourself no matter who you are.

Excuse the ramble
 

I agree with you about the queer part. It took my ex to show me what I had always wanted. I really did live up to the nickname a friend of mine gave me, and that is brat...Hehe..

Have a good night!

Zimmy

I totally get this. I'm most attracted to boyish spirits and growing up most girls seemed to be feminine, so i didn't consider it for a long while, and even when i did i didn't think i crushed on any girls (although looking back i suspect an unresolved tension with one friend). I can appreciate feminine women now, but really i'm all about boyish women and gqs. I <3 Bois. After years of straight relationships with boyfriends, I'm looking forward to having queer fun with a boifriend one day.

I suspected bisexuality at 15, came out as Trans* and queer at 19, now at 20 I'm still a newbie.

In the real world find it really hard being new to everything at 20 sometimes.

I feel like everyone else around me has known they were queer all their lives and already figured this shit out. I feel so ignorant and green, or a fraud even.

I don't know how to act and tell myself that everyone expects me to know everything, something.

I'm used to men. I'm used to the world of straight dating. I'm used to cismale bodies.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

It's like going through adolescence all over again.

:sailing:

Just want to say I am so glad that all of the under 30 folks are here on the Planet. I learn quite a bit from younger generations within queerdom. My life was just different because of my age, but I sure remember a lot of inner confusion. I so hope that some of the paths are easier for our youth. I also know you all will make your unique marks.

And you rawk!!!

I'm 24. It's taken me years not of accepting that I like girls but that I am trans. I was 19 when I finally accepted it. Now I am getting to the point that I am accepting that it is femininity that I like on any sex. I am still often confused and lost but I am willing to ask directions or at least invest in compasses now. I was recently told that my parents thought I was trans as early as age 3 or 4 something to do about crying for days until they bought me a football uniform because I hated the cheerleader one my grandmother had bought. I guess I was just scared to be thought of as even more different.

I'm 27, but I've known I liked women since I was a kid, didn't come out til I was 16, and that wasn't by choice. But now looking back on it, I'm so glad that my good friend outted me.

It's hard sometimes being young and finding your identity in the community at large, because sometimes you're still finding yourself, like I am.

Love this thread by the way :hangloose:

The New York Times embarked on the project “Coming Out” as an effort to better understand this generation’s realities and expectations, and to give teenagers their own voice in the conversation.

The Times spoke with or e-mailed nearly 100 gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender teenagers from all of parts of the country — from rural areas to urban centers, from supportive environments to hostile ones. The newspaper contacted them through various advocacy groups, as well as through social networking sites like YouTube, Twitter and Facebook.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/23/us/23out.html

:moonstars: The younger crowd here isn't very large or active I take it... I'm 22, and I'm afraid I'm one of the babies here... I didn't even know I COULD like girls till I was a freshman in highschool, 8 years ago, I was blessed with the best group of friends a girl could ask for, the indi/goth outsider kids who were accepting of everything. I did the whole straight to bisexual to gay thing.

I'd met my first and only boyfriend the summer before high school, dated him for two years, the entire time I had a crush on my best friend Crystal, shes the one who gets the gold toaster, I learned from her that it was okay to like girls and normal, so 2 years down the road I wasn't happy with my boyfriend, I went to prom with Crys and told him that there was a chance I might experiment with her that night, he jokingly just said to take video... I laugh at that now but originally it pissed me off.

I slept with my best friend that night and was smitten, it was insane and everything I'd been looking for. From there I declared I was bisexual... never dated a guy again so it evolved into comfortably telling people I was gay.

My coming out story to my parents is... interesting... and not how I'd planned it. Haha! If you want to hear that one just ask. XD I don't have much time and have to leave for work soon.

My favorite campaign that happened recently was the IT GETS BETTER thing that all the celebrities did, still thinking about it makes me tear up, because if I hadn't had the support of my friends in high school I'd have had a much harder time coming out. Luckily for me as well live really close to DC, so everything is pretty diverse and accepting to begin with, not a small town kind of girl.

Heya Alpha. There's a growing youth pop around here we just are stealthy. Like cats...
erm not housecats.

Aww awesome. I love cats. Hahaha. ^_^

...and where'd you get the cookies? o.o

The darkside....
It's any side not currently in front of you.

under 30
 

We young'uns are here! It has always seemed to me that people my age seem to embrace the queer but not the butch-femme dynamic.

I'm 26, and I've know for a very long time, but I went through many phases before embracing my full fabulous femme self.

Just wanted to say hi and welcome!

I also love the itgetsbetter campaign. I think the under 30s have been really blessed with a lot of acceptance and a generation that is open to change.

:)

...yes, we're more like alley cats. Leaping stealthily through the darkness, from roof top to roof top.

http://i.tfster.com/cache/icanhasche...-ninja-cat.jpg

Anyways, yeah...cool to see other under 30 people around these parts. But now you just have to fucking stick around! I swear other than like 3 or 4 of us, every under 30 person who comes here leaves after a day or two. :overreaction:

:moonstars: Naaaah... I'm a big dork. I like my forums and blogs and such. I'll be around for a while. But I feel like we need more threads... not sure what kind of threads though. lol

Well, I pretty much suck at making threads, so I'm the wrong person to suggest thread ideas. But I agree that we need more threads in this section, for sure.

I've been butch since the day I was born. My earliest memories are of running around outside in my Levis, bare feet, and no shirt. Man, those were good times!

When my twin and I started school we went to a private Catholic school because it was "the best school around." We weren't even Catholic. Every Thursday morning we all had church together, and I can remember being five years old, kneeling with my hands folded and eyes shut tight, praying my heart out that God would make me a boy so I wouldn't be a sinner anymore and would be normal.

The summer before my senior year of high school I met my first girlfriend. I came out to all my friends the first day of senior year and I was lucky enough to have some pretty great friends.

Over the years I've become more comfortable with who I am and I make no excuses or apologies for that. I am one self confident, proud, and open southern boi and to hell with anyone who doesn't like it.

...where can I find one of you up north!? Haha. Butches are a rare commodity apparently... especially in our generation.

I don't know that you can. I'm kind of a Southern specialty and MissPriss has the one and only original.

Hey everyone, first post here! It’s going to be a long one too!

From the time that I was 8 years old I knew I was different. I got my first crush on a teacher of mine and didn’t really understand it at all. I didn’t know what liking your female teacher meant, it just WAS.

As the years progressed and I got a crush on my best friend and went through my junior high years, I wanted to explore. Being the big dork that I am, I got really into computers/browsing and started reading about GLBT people. I remember it being such a huge deal for Ellen Degeneres to come out and I always looked at my family for their opinions when a gay character/person would show themselves in the media. I wanted to get an understanding of what I had coming.

I started chatting sporadically in places like Gay.com/AOL because I knew no other GLBT people, or none that were out.

The first couple of years of high school were pretty lonely and the girl crushes kept on despite trying to fight the fact that I was gay. I didn’t want to feel so alone and different. I remember reading about a Coming Out stories book online and had to get it somehow. I ended up throwing the book away after I was finished reading because I didn’t want my parents to catch it in my room someday. Every once in a while, my own mother would ask me if I liked boys and of course I would never give her a straight answer. Thankfully the last couple of years of high school I met some friends that ended up coming out to me, I to them.

At 25 years old, I decided I would come out to my closest sibling. I ended up getting very emotional because up until then, I was only out to friends or co-workers. Family was a whole different experience. Through the years my Catholic family has said awful, derogatory things towards gay people. Another sibling of mine even mentioned that she would not allow a gay person around her kids. That was devastating to hear.
When we have get-togethers and the topic comes up, my close sister and I will argue until we’re blue in the face to try and get a positive response from them. It never happens. We don’t typically discuss our love lives, it’s almost like a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy throughout the family.

Now at 26, coming out entirely seems a little more possible everyday and I will continue to take baby steps. In the back of my mind, I believe my family is in some major denial and could possibly accept me. Then there’s that speck of doubt that scares me that I could lose them forever.

Without the great friends, Internet, or books I’m not sure what sort of direction my life would have gone. The resources we have readily available to us through the web are amazing and I too especially love the It Gets Better project!

Under 30!
 

I thought I'd come by and say hi as an under-30 femme. Ok, I'll be 30 in July, but still...

I've known I was queer since I was about 14-15, when I met my first boyish-girl in high school. Before that, I did have occasional crushes on guys, but didn't date much.

I had my first girlfriend when I was 16 (thanks AOL chat!), have been out since I was 17, and have ID as femme since I was 19. I was lucky because despite growing up in a Christian household in the Midwest, I had a supportive family, and a close family friend of ours came out as gay in mid 90's, so I thank him for breaking that ice for me.

I remember being 19 and coming out as femme, and basically feeling like a giant dork because it seemed like everyone had their business figured out already, and I was like "...help?" I would get crushes on butches who were 3 times my age and viewed me as a little sister, lol. The best thing I did was make friends with the older femmes who could help me along my journey. Having your girls is so important.

And much love for It Gets Better! <3

under 30-coming up and coming out
 

i've been reading forums and this one looks interesting and i dont reply to alot cause i dont know how havent been on one of these been refered to by my bud she told me about this site. so this is how i came out...

I'm 21 and i've been out since i was 12 well only been out to my dad. i've had a feeling i knew since i was young i liked girls mainly cause i have 5 brothers so i've been raised by them been did everything boys would do pick on girls roll down hills in garbage cans race bikes fist fight with each other wrestle camp fish etc and even taught how to treat women etc even dressed as a boy. (even though it ticked off my mom). I didnt understand it at first so i looked into it and figured it out pretty quick. i remember having a major crush on my best friend growing up when my dad died my mom went bonkers after he told her i was lesbian.
I was told it was a sin etc but it just went in one ear out the other cause my dad and my brothers told me to follow my heart and its lead me to liking girls. i had my first girlfriend in 8th grade but she wasnt out and her parents didnt like me cause they caught me kissing her -.- wasnt a fun day. i moved to the states and had girlfriends but i figured out that my mum didnt like it so once i turned 18 i moved back to canada and there isnt much of a population that i can see here where i live. its mainly cause i'm quiet and keep to myself so thats probably why i dont see much but i do know there are gay bars and everything.
My guy friends say i'm the best brother they could have cause i give them advice game etc till this day my mom still hates it that i'm lesbian and she keeps pushing guys on me half a country away. Even though i've have been in many fights with a few family members on them not wanting me around cause i'm lesbian i dont care cause i like girls and nothing can change that.
well i hope i got it right on posting on a forum lol but thats my story.

Hi All! I'm a 26 y/o queer femme. I came out my first year of college. I had assumed I was asexual, until I saw the womens basketball team. It was my first exposure to female bodied masculinity in my own age range. swoooooon.

I've only ever been in butch femme relationships and I'm not even a little bit interested in a relationship that doesn't have that dynamic.

Anyway, enough of me. I look forward to continuing to get to know you all!

:glasses: i read through on these things i just dont post. and yeah gotta agree more threads like these. plus alpha the "babies" as u said are around lol (i just go off and on this site cause of work) <<is not stealthy just knows how to do the hudini trick and disappear :byebye:

Well, this will be long.
 

For me, the realization of being gay was a part of something bigger: gender dysphoria.

I always felt, well, male. When I was two, I asked my mom when I was going to grow a penis. Throughout my childhood, I had my hair as short as my mother would let me have it, dressed like a boy, played with the boys, and liked girls. It wasn't anything complicated back then; "boy" things felt "right" and "girl" things didn't.

My parents had a collection of old movies. I loved watching them and strongly identified with the leading male characters. I wanted to be a gentleman with a pretty lady on my arm.

I had my first memorable girl crush in first grade. We went trick or treating together. I was a big, scary vampire and she wanted to dress as a princess. I told her Halloween was supposed to be scary, so the princess idea was lame. She compromised and decided to be a zombie princess, instead.

I lost my virginity (to a girl) at thirteen. I had sex with several girls throughout high school, though my first serious girlfriend was not until senior year. I also enjoyed looking up porn with guys in it (had to be man and woman, though, I didn't care for the gay stuff), which briefly made me wonder if I was attracted to them, in addition to girls. I decided to explore something sexual with a guy and quickly realized I was disgusted by it. I just had a bad case of penis envy.

I never had to "come out." Everyone assumed. I was dead set on transitioning until I was 20 (I'm 28 now). I toyed around with several labels before I found out what was comfortable for me. I didn't want to claim butch status at first because I thought it was a term for "lesbians." The butch-identified people I knew were (in hindsight) either woman ID'd or soft butch (nothing wrong with either, but it's not me.) I read about "stone butch" and went by that for awhile. I am not 100% stone anymore but that is another story. For the last few years, I've claimed butch and genderqueer.