Parenting
 

I just realized that we don't have a thread or area for folks to discuss parenting. We have a lot of parents here, so here goes.

Will start with a link that I posted on another area here for KIPP schools. I think as parents we are charged with the duty and honor of getting involved with our children's education. I think the failure of public schools to educate our kids with even the basics of social history is in great part why we see so many of the "isms" still rampant in this country. Sexism/ racism etc as well as basic math/ grammar should be part of our curriculum.

The drop out rate of kids is still way too high. The rate of kids graduating and then going to college is still too low. The effectiveness of teachers is still not where it should be. I commend teachers who really giving our kids the attention and tools they need to become healthy citizens. I think a well rounded education is work on both the part of the system ( schools/ teachers) and the parent. It should be a parental contract to agree to help every child do the work needed to become "educated".

I just learned about these schools and urge parents to become involved in their school boards to find ways to make EVERY school as successful as these models.

http://www.kipp.org/

So, education is a huge issue for parents. What issues do you face as a parent? Terrible twos? Terrible teens? IVF? Where are we as a community in raising our kids?

I think sometimes it is easy to forget we are "parents" because we are queer and by and large "queers don't have kids". I have met some amazing moms and dads in my time at the b-f communities. My hat is off to you all!

Here's a spot to talk about your highs and lows in the journey of sharing our child's path. Ideas for making the world a better place for them? Field trips? Resources? Healthy snacks? Protecting without being "over protective" ?

Hope to see some of you sharing how you do it!

Thanks!

OOO Lordy I am a Lesbian Mom :)
 

One thing I found out about parenting is, dont expect a rule book and that Dr.Spock must have not been a hands on parent when he wrote his book on parenting all those years ago.
I had kids when I was 19 & 23 so as they grew up I didnt get all in a wad about much of what they did cause I really wasnt that much older than they were..but I definatly could see things from both sides of the parent/child world.It would drive my mom nuts cuse I would always take the time to talk to my boys about everything that was age appropreate aaaannnnddd if they ask about something that I felt wasnt really time for them to ask..well I just gave them the anser to the question without going overbore with it cause sometimes it was just something in passing.
My kids are as diffrent as day light and dark..the oldest is hell on wheels adhd hyper overdrive kid into it all..my youngest is calm,quite ,funny,a book worm that approaches the world and life with a purpose and goals of wich he has made nearly everone he set out to do..When ask how I managed to raise kids of such a diffrent personality I say ..easy they are both sides of who I am.

I'm the queer Uncle
 

My oldes son has two kids so one weekend we were out about town just kicking around.Well we all know how kids do say the darndest things at some really crazy times.We were in chucky cheeses and the grand daughter who was 13 at the time out of the blue ask me what it was like to have an orgasm.This caught me fixing to take a bite out a a pizza,the room was packed with people of all ages and her voice is like mine ..u cant miss it.I thing I took on second to take a deep breath( remembr I raised her dad) and said we will take a walk to settle this pizza pie when we are done and talk about it...she said ..ok.Btw the folks siting at any table near enough to hear it was either silence or stares or deep chuckles.I turnes out she has followed her grandbutch into queerdome.

Andrew,how ar ya bro?
All I can say its your nices wedding and she should feel free to honor her aunt as she wishes and I think her ideas is a sound one that will be great for her.Now as for the rest of the family,ya know its hard when a parent starts dateing again cause then the kids will be shareing dads time with someone new.Now if he is just dateing and it not overly serious they should be remeinded somehow that its just dateing.If its serious dad needs to sit down with the kids involved alone and have a talk with them about it all to reashure then that no on will ever replace mom ever.Both sides need to really listen to each other cause what ever happends in this will be something that will be remembered by all in the future and should be in a possitive way.I think the older folks /kids could be a little easyer on dad cause he has a right to a life of happyness if he loves this woman...she needs to understand the foundation both of them put down now will set the tone for the future with the other folks involved as well.A possitive relationship is far better than a neggetive one and all need to work to that gaol.

Andrew,
I would tell your neice that since it is her big day that she should do what is in her heart. If she feels that she wants to honor her aunt than so be it. You should also ask them When exactly they think that its enough time or the right time for her husband to move on. Unfortunately everyone deals with heartache differently and no one can tell another person when its time to move on. Tell them that its not that he is trying to replace their Aunt, it's just that he wants to feel happiness again.
I hope that her wedding is amazing and that the day goes off without a hitch... There truly is something to be said about your neice who wants to honor her aunt. That is something very special she has inside of her heart.

Thanks for the responses. I feel caught in the middle. I can understand the Dad wanting to date again, and wanting to move on with life and living. At the same time, the kids are still grieving. This is the first major event and my niece getting married is the one who was very close to my late sister. That is why I can see having a picture of her on the alter. I just don't want anyone to be crying. I want it to be a happy event. I want to keep spirits up.

:party: :smelling-flower:

Hey y'all.

I'm writing an article and need to interview some parents. Specifically I'm looking to speak to the parent of a boy, but could also stand to speak to the parent of a girl child as well. This would be a child old enough to have experienced and/or witnessed bullying.

Please PM me if you are available to chat briefly on the subject and are willing to give your full name (not your child's) for an article that would appear online.

Thank you in advance!

Julie

Here's an interesting article I received today and wanted to share with you:

Kids With Lesbian Parents Do Just Fine
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/ma...iclekey=116921

When compared to teens of the same age, adolescents raised by lesbian parents are doing just fine socially, psychologically and academically, new research finds.

Not only that, they have fewer social problems, and less aggressive and rule-breaking behaviors than other teens.

The nearly 20-year study has followed 78 teens since their lesbian mothers were planning their pregnancies, and concluded that these children "demonstrate healthy psychological adjustment." These findings stand in contrast to what some vocal opponents of gay or lesbian parents might have expected.

"One of the things that opponents of the equalities of gays and lesbians -- in marriage, parenting, adoption and foster care -- often bring up is the so-called gold standard of parenting, which defined by them is the traditional family where children are conceived in traditional ways and not through insemination or surrogates. But, when we compared the adolescents in our study to the so-called gold standard, we found the teens with lesbian mothers were actually doing better," said study author Dr. Nanette Gartrell, the Williams Distinguished Scholar at the University of California Los Angeles School of Law.

As to why these teens are doing better, Gartrell said, "Moms in the lesbian family are very committed, very involved parents."

Gartrell said she expects that these findings would also translate to the children of gay male parents as well. "Gay male parents are another group of very committed parents, and really, [among gay male couples] only economically privileged gay men have access to the opportunity to become parents right now," she said.

Family therapist Andrew Roffman, at the New York University Langone Medical Center, wasn't surprised by the findings and agreed that such results would likely be similar for gay male parents.

"Good parenting makes for healthier children, regardless of your sexual orientation. Whether you're gay, straight or lesbian, good parenting is good parenting," said Roffman.

Results of Gartrell's study will be published in the July issue of Pediatrics.

Between 1986 and 1992, Gartrell and her colleague, Henry Bos, recruited 154 prospective lesbian mothers as they were considering artificial insemination, or once they were already pregnant.

As the children have grown, the researchers have been periodically checking in on them, and the latest follow-up included questionnaires completed by 78 children when they were 10 and again when they were 17. The study also included an interview with one of each child's mothers to assess the child's psychological well-being.

The results were then compared to a group of age-matched children from traditional families.

Compared to the traditionally reared teens, adolescents with lesbian parents rated significantly higher in social, academic and total competence, according to the study. The teens with lesbian parents also rated significantly lower when it came to social problems, rule-breaking and aggressive behavior than teens raised in more traditional families.

Even in homes where the lesbian parents had split up, the researchers found that those teens still fared better than teens from more traditional families.

Just over four in 10 of the teens raised by lesbian parents reported that they had been stigmatized at some point because of their parents' sexual orientation, said Gartrell. But, when the researchers compared those who had been stigmatized to those who hadn't, they found no significant psychological differences.

"These young people seem to have done well; they have some resilience," she said.

Roffman said there's likely a resilience factor at play. And, he said, it may come from the lesbian parents thinking ahead of time about what the child's experiences might be and talking with the children before anything happens.

"Probably the most effective thing to do is to prepare kids ahead of time. Let them know that there is still a cultural stigma and that they may encounter children and adults who are insensitive. Having these kinds of talks is relationship-building for both parents and children," said Roffman

"The outcomes here were very clear. These are families in which the mothers were very committed, involved and loving. The 17-year-old adolescents are healthy, happy and high-functioning," said Gartrell.

Stanford Report, August 30, 2010
BY ADAM GORLICK
Children raised by gay couples show good progress through school

By mining data from the 2000 Census, sociologist Michael Rosenfeld figured out the rates at which kids raised by gay and straight couples repeated a grade during elementary or middle school. He found that children of same-sex parents have essentially the same educational achievement as their peers growing up in heterosexual households.

Jack Hubbard Stanford research finds that children of gay and straight couples do equally well in school. Associate professor Michael Rosenfeld, Sociology, drew his research from census data.

In nearly every discussion, debate or lawsuit about gay marriage, the talk at some point turns to family values.

Do gay couples make for good parents? Will their children – whether adopted, conceived with the help of a surrogate or brought in from a pre-existing relationship – adjust, adapt and succeed in a world dominated by traditional families?

The answers usually depend on who's giving them, and come dressed in anecdotes and colored by bias. But Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld brings something new to the conversation: facts and figures derived from the country's largest data bank – the U.S. Census.

In a study published this month in the journal Demography, Rosenfeld concludes that children being raised by same-sex couples have nearly the same educational achievement as children raised by married heterosexual couples.

By mining data from the 2000 Census, Rosenfeld was able to figure out the rates at which children in all types of families repeated a grade during elementary or middle school. According to his findings, nearly 7 percent of children raised by heterosexual married couples were held back a year, while about 9.5 percent of children living with adults identifying themselves as same-sex partners repeated a grade.

The difference between the groups pretty much vanishes when taking into account that the heterosexual couples were slightly more educated and wealthier than most gay parents, Rosenfeld said.

"The census data show that having parents who are the same gender is not in itself any disadvantage to children," he said. "Parents' income and education are the biggest indicators of a child's success. Family structure is a minor determinant."

Rosenfeld's findings have been cited by lawyers fighting Proposition 8, the gay marriage ban passed by California voters in 2008. A federal court judge recently overturned the ban, but his ruling is under appeal.

Rosenfeld's study shows that children of gay and married couples had lower grade-repetition rates than their peers raised by opposite-sex unmarried couples and single parents. And all children living in some type of family environment did much better than those living in group housing. Those who were awaiting adoption or placement in a foster home were held back about 34 percent of the time.

"One of the fundamental issues in modern family law that differs from state to state is whether same-sex couples can adopt," Rosenfeld said. "My research makes clear that there's a huge advantage to kids to be out of the care of the state and into the care of any family, even if the family is not perfectly optimal."

Educators, policymakers and social scientists have long known that children left back in school are at greater risk than their peers for not finishing high school and getting into trouble.

Because gays and lesbians make up such a tiny sliver of the American population – only 1 percent – it has been difficult for researchers to conduct a representative study of how their children perform in the classroom. And gay marriage opponents have criticized earlier studies for having sample sizes that are too small.

"Sample size is power," Rosenfeld said. "And the census is the biggest sample we have. This study is based on a sample of thousands and thousands of kids."

Most personal decisions about gay marriage are based on gut feelings, religious beliefs and individual experiences. Rosenfeld knows his research isn't going to change the minds of most people opposed to same-sex unions. But he has added new data to the debate that helps debunk assertions – whether based on a lack of knowledge or some unfounded fear – that children raised by gay couples cannot thrive.

"Social scientists have an obligation to shed light where they can on issues that are roiling the public," he said. "Sometimes we have to throw up our hands and admit that something is unknowable. But in this case, we could bring some real hard data to bear on an area that was otherwise really in the dark."

http://news.stanford.edu/news/2010/a...tml?view=print

my son is an adult and ready to have his own child. this is sweet revenge because shes not even here and he's worried. :)

you can't rely on any schools or system to teach your child how to get by in this world. You have to be very proactive and damn patient. No matter what never give up on your child. I see this so often and it breaks my heart. Kids will break your heart over and over yet teach you the most unbelievable capacity to love.

my son was raised in a queer home by a very open-minded freespirited goddess leather crazy woman. over all he turned out great and as each year goes by I see him seasoning towards life and beating his own drum. This I am most proud of.

Kids say the darndest things.
 

I would echo this loud and clear Sachita.

I'll never forget the day I picked Leia up at day care after first grade, at her private Christian school. I saw the principal meandering over with the first grade teacher, both just kind of staring at me. Out of the mouths of babes as they say. Leia shared with her class that day about her family. She had a dog named Snigglefritz that slept with her in her twin princess bed. That Mommy and Tommi slept in a giant bed together, but didn't need a big bed because were always cuddled together to stay warm, in just part of that big bed. She said she and Snigglefritz should have the big bed because they needed more room than we did. She told them there was another bedroom beside the den, that didn't need a bed because that was our playroom.

I saw the slight smile on their faces, and the principal simply said," I knew you two were not sisters, but kissin cousins is okay. " I told her we were not cousins, and were gay, had been together for many years prior to getting Leia when she was 2, because her Mom abandoned her. (they knew peggie was her Gramma), and if being gay was a problem we would find another school, and Leia didn't belong here then.

Mrs. Samuelson, in a motherly tone looked at me and said" I can't wait to hear more stories, and I suggest you put a lock on your bedroom door, because I can imagine when talk comes to how babies are made Leia will be happy to talk about anything she has seen or knows." Miss Taylor said, my roommate and I will have something fun to talk about at dinner. " I breathed a sigh of relief, and became a Chaperone on trips from first grade to high School , and was accepted and respected by the school staff and parents. I got to go to Catalina scuba diving, on a school bus for 8 hours with 25 screaming 3rd graders to Sacramento,CA and we flew to Disney World escorting 30 teenage girls and boys.

I miss seeing my lil kiddo's who are at Ellsworth Air Foce Base in South Dakota. Plans are for them to come home for Christmas if their Daddy is deployed to Afghanistan again.

My Mom came out when I was 17. I had always known, and she was a great role model. She made sure I understood becoming "Tommi" at 5 was okay and gay from as long as she can remember. and that I was respected and she gave me support and strength in those rough teen years I had. Now, my father was another story. and , that is another thread. :rrose:





I am a proud Grandparent of Trinity Hope, a beautiful little, who next week will be 4, and Dustin Bradley, the all American boy who is 5.. We raised our daughter with the tools she needed to get out into the big old world. We tried to Keep her safe, in a private school, had her friends, and their parents at our house and showed them that a gay couple who respected each other and them is where Leia learned to do the same.

She shares with her friends about diversity, love, respect and how our employment paid her way through school. We bought her a computer for college. She met and married an Air Force Sergeant she met in a chat room, quit school, got married and is making her own way in the world.

Teenage parenting woes...
 

I typically don't post a lot about parenting. I don't want others judging my parenting skills/style and I don't want to judge theirs.

However, I find myself on a very uncertain road. I'm not sure I am looking for answers/advice or if I am looking for someone to tell me that its gonna be ok, that they have walked/walking the road or the road scares the bejezus out of them.

Some of you may know that we have a 17 (almost 18) year old son who is lovingly referred to as Bratboy. I am quite open about his being an ASPIE (Asperger's Syndrome) as well as a myriad of other acronyms. I have always prided myself on being able to navigate single-parenthood of a special needs child and really tried not to become a martyr about "Why?". Truth is, I can't imagine wanting my son to be any different than he is - except when I do.

He graduated high-school in May and is one of those kids who is just not ready in terms of maturation to attend college either away from home or close to home without some additional support systems. We are fortunate in that he has been accepted at a school about three hours from us where he will first have a nine week "life skills" course and then go on to begin the culinary arts program. He will live on campus but have more supervision than if he were at a mainstream (lack of better word) college.

The conundrum is that he is a pig and has little to no regard for the impact of his actions on others. It doesn't matter that Jess and I could both have the tidy-fit award on a daily basis. It doesn't seem to matter that we have a freakin' housekeeper and all he has to do is to pick up his crap and she will dust, do the floors and make the bed. It doesn't seem to matter that he has a mountain of dirty laundry and no clean underwear - he wears "basketball" shorts if he has no clean underwear. He deplores showering and personal hygiene as if you are asking him to bathe in acid and only does so when whatever he wants (internet access usually) becomes the currency.

Having his internet access was a great repercussion when he spent hours upon hours talking/skyping with his internet pals. Low and behold, he has made real-time friends. Something he has never had. The last month or so has been these two boys (young men, really) and Bratboy traipsing back and forth between our house and theirs.

They seem to have no concept of how their escapades at all hours impact our lives. Jess can't sleep during the week (I work a couple hundred miles from home) because the dogs are alerting her to every time they hear a noise. We have tried talking to him about how ecstatic we are that he has friends and that we are trying to teach him about the different expectations now that he has close folks to interact with - not that we want to continue to treat him as a child, but that we are teaching him things that he's just coming to need.

At moments, he seems to get it. Just about a month ago, he spent his first night away from home since he was about 6 (other than with my folks or his father on occasion). Following that, Jess was able to leave him alone overnight and he took amazing care of the dogs. It felt like the anchor of him not being self-sufficient/mature was being lifted! We were overjoyed.

Last week, we attempted Jess coming to Richmond for the night so we could attend the Melissa Etheridge concert. He agreed to take care of the dogs. Good, right? Uh-huh - until Jess found the pool filter system full of airsoft pellets (kinda like plastic BB's). Until I couldnt reach him till THREE THIRTY the next day to find that our giant schnuazer who lives outside most days hadn't been watered because, "Mooooommmmmm - I am tired. It just rained." Don't even get me started on my reaction.

I know to some it sounds simply as if we aren't enforcing boundaries. The issue seems to be that there is no repercussion because there is no currency. He is completely apathetic most days and the internet and his cell phone are of no importance to him now. Money isn't an issue because he has EVERYTHING he could possibly want - and short of taking things away (which he doesn't care about anyway), there isn't a possible solution there either.

My rope is short and I am finding myself about to have a "Mommy meltdown." These usually aren't pretty and do result in what I term as band-aids on an artery. Stops the bleeding for a hot minute and then things are right back to where they were.

Jess does an amazing job of caring for him while I am away and I will own that I do feel a certain amount of Mommy guilt at having someone there doing the hard stuff while I am away for work. I don't want to add to what I already consider a huge undertaking for Jess. I don't want him to get a "pass" on unacceptable behaviors because he is wired differently, yet, I constantly find myself searching for the one thing that will finally click and make sense to him.

Sigh. Anyone have a magic wand? My apologies if this seems too long or too detailed. Once I started, it poured out like a river.

Hi, Christie.

A couple of things came to mind as I was reading your post...

First, I thought, eh, that's what a guy that age is like. But I figure you've got a handle on that and know that this goes beyond.

Another thing that I get out of it is that you do think he's capable of great improvement in this area. So it's not that he's completely limited in maturing this way. It just hasn't happened.

I assume you do the list thing because I can't imagine getting this far without such proven tools.

I wonder if setting him up in more of a space of his own would eventually lead to natural motivation to improve in this area. Like, I don't know your house set-up obviously, but if he has a bed/bath of his own, or even just a separated out bedroom, and you stop all housekeeping service in there.... Well, eventually he runs out of basketball shorts, too.

It might take a while, which could be blech-y. Most older teen guys just have basically bad hygiene so who wants to sit next to them? Eventually though, he may be motivated to clean up.

The other thing that can jumpstart a kid is developing an interest in romance. You may have to use only a band-aid right now.

I don't know if any of this would be helpful, but I really got into your post. Please give word of how it goes. tapu

Many of us have mommy meltdowns and then we pick ourselve sup and move on.
 

Thanks, Tapu for your response.

Unfortunately, he does have his own bedroom and even his own "boy cave" space where his bicycles, "faux" Flex weight machine, the 10 thousand (it seems) airsoft guns and his sword and knife collection lives. It doesn't seem to matter that they are his spaces and that he is responsible for them - he just doesn't care - and I think more than anything, the apathy he has about life just really wears me out.

He is so blessed in comparison to most of the kids in our lil town. Most families in our town have issues with putting food on the table much less to have the abundance of material things we have. It irks me to no end that even when you point out to him his privlige and he acknowledges it, you can still walk into his room and find both of his laptops on the floor, the iPad tossed on the bed amongst just trash, his nasty fingerprints on the flat screen tv - I could just open the window and toss it all in the front yard (except that tidy yard Jess won't let me unless she can pull the Beast (don't ask - its an old truck) under the window so I don't make a mess.

He has a romance of sorts, but manages to shower is she is coming over.

Last night after I made the post, he called to ask if he could spend the night at his friends'. I have told him (and Jess) time and time again that its NOT a good idea to put me on speaker - there is no accounting for what I might say.

Low and behold, I start in on, "What are you and your friends going to do to pay for the $500 pool filter you ruined after you were told not to airsoft in the yard?", quickly followed with, "Are your friends going to help you do your laundry and clean that pig-sty of a room, and while they are at it, are they gonna get in the shower and wash your nasty ass?" (He's almost 18 - saying ass to him isn't the worst thing in the world and sometimes he seems to "hear" me when its not the same Mom speech).

There is a part of me that abhors embarrasing him. Really. There is another part of me that thinks maybe, just maybe, it might make him take action. *shrugs*

I'll keep you posted. I have told him that he might wanna think about getting it together because when Momma comes home this weekend, reality is about to smack him square between the eyes. I'm not sure yet what that entails, but I am certain that its nor going to be pretty.

Jelli -

Thanks for your response.

The unfortunate part of support groups, for me, has always been I have little patience for those who seem to get wrapped up in their issues, wearing them as a blanket to keep them warm - I tried an autism group when he was first diagnosed at 2.5 years and found that most times, it was just a lot of venting and not a lot of practical solutions. I feel like Jess and I spend enough energy talking about it and I just don't want to sacrifice any more of the precious time we have together to "boy issues."

I'm not dismissing anything that you or Tapu offered - really. You have no idea that just someone else heard me means so very much and I appreciate it. I know Jess does too.

Thanks again to you both -

Christie

Hey, does he have a therapist or a life coach or some kind of social worker? His having one might take some of the stress off you guys. But also, what about a family counselor. Confront him with the problems in front of someone else. A therapist might have good ideas for "enforcement" or "pay-off" or whatever....

If you've already tried that, might be time to try different one. (I like "mixing it up" with therapists every few years. It's all so different.)

What about taking all of these things away from him? I realize the internet stuff isn't as important as it used to be, but maybe having simple TV is enough of a perk for him......or gaming on the computers.

I'm sorry for the frustration. :( I do hope it gets better soon. Just so you know... I really do "get" the apathy thing. We've had our own trials over here.

christie...Thinker has a good idea, and one we have had to use with our daughter the slob.

As he is under 18 and unable to support himself, take EVERYTHING away. Make him earn things back. One week of showering daily, he gets his laptop (for example) two weeks of making his bed, he gets an air gun.....

Just a thought...my daughter also has "too much" and she only appreciates the things she buys herself, or that she has had to earn. And the stink? Girls can have funky odors too!

She does not have issues like Aspergers to deal with, but if you keep it basic and consistant it shouldn't take too long. I worked for 16 years with people having all types of issues and basic and simple really work the best. Yelling as you know only works when they think you might kick them hard!

I hope things improve for you soon.:bunchflowers:

Thanks everyone for responding to Christie's post. I sure appreciate the input and the feeling that we aren't the only parents driven nuts ( temporarily/ forevah) by dread teenagers... LOL!

He is a good kid/ young man. I love him and want to strangle him on a daily basis. LOL! When we are able to stay in good cheer about it, we see the progress he HAS made in the last year. It is actually pretty phenomenal. I think often, that is where so much of the frustration comes from. He is capable of far more than he is willing to do.

I know I was no picnic in my teen years, so I try to keep that in mind. We will just keep plugging away until we find that magic button that helps him "get it". I think he'll stumble across it around age 30. It is well hidden just behind the crap under his bed. :praying:

Thanks again folks. I know Christie brought this up, however, it is very important to me.

I have been reading your responses and appreciate the concern and support you all are offering.

It sounds cliche', but we (I) have literally tried most everything you all are suggesting. As Jess mentioned, he HAS made so much progress in his maturation. A little over a year ago, he tried to be waited on hand and foot and literally asked for a mini fridge for his room so he "wouldn't have to walk down the steps and through the house to the kitchen." Sid the Sloth from Ice Age comes to mind.

I would take his door off his room but remember that part about personal hygiene?? Uh, no. Not now, not ever. Sometimes the smell seeps under and through the upstairs foyer. Febreeze and pet-odor candles are making a mint off us.

Something is going to give and its not going to be us. I always remind him that I will win, well, because I do and he might do well to remember that - I may have moments when I feel like just throwing up my hands and hoping for the best, but that doesn't last long. Less than 24 hours and Momma is heading home. He best be ready. ;)

Thanks again - maybe there will be a lightbulb moment before I have a psuedo monster truck rally in the front yard using his stuff to crush. Stay tuned - there might be a youtube before the weekend is up.

(disclaimer: I don't think I really will do that, but heaven knows I have done more drastic things in the past over different issues - never with him)

and thankfully, not with me :cigar2::jester::byebye:

I have been reading this thread for a while and think that everyone has great ideas. My kids are young (the oldest is 13) so I am stashing ideas-lol. I used to have a boss (referred to as B) who had a variation of the "earning back" idea that may help you or someone else following these posts...

Her daughter used to trash her bedroom horribly. So, after endless asking, yelling etc, B removed everything from the bedroom (including the items from the closet). For the first week, the daughter had nothing and had to sleep on the couch. At week two, the girl was allowed to return to her room, with her bed/sheets and dresser (which was emptied). Her daughter had to watch TV in the family room, had no privacy for her phone calls, had to accept the clothes B laid out for her etc. After the determined amount of time for punishment, B's daughter could earn her belongings back. B only had to enforce this punishment once. And, in cleaning out the room, they were able to clean out things that truly needed to go.

Now, obviously this is not feasible if the space in your home is limited (as mine is). Like I said, it may not be an option for everyone but it might be an idea for someone out there.

Happy Parenting ;)


:sparklyheart:

My wife's son (15 1/2) has only his bed, clothes, and alarm clock in his room. He is not allowed to take his phone or laptop in there, and the charging stations for both are in the main room. He watches the TV in the living room.

It sucks because we have basically lost the living room (except when we all watch something together), but it beats the hell out of the stress we experienced at the start of last school year. Hearing from his teachers that he was falling asleep in class sent me through the friggin' roof.

Gaming systems?

Well....those are a thing of the past in this house. No need for a fancy PS3 when crazed step-dad takes EVERY game to the garage and puts a hammer to 'em. Oh, yes......yes, I did.

(My wife pointed out later how much money we could have sold them for.)

All that to say, I totally dig B's routine!!!

I do have this recurring dream, where bratboy asks me if I have seen his ( fill in the blank PSP, Nintendo, XBox, Laptops, Iphone, Ipad, MP3's, air guns, swords, etc) to which I respond," Yes, I saw that!"

My toys: Hack saw, hand saw, jig saw, cut off saw, circular saw, bow saw, table saw, compound mitre saw, reciprocal saw.... I SAW that somewhere...

Jess/christie,

I am assuming that the reason you are not grounding him from time with friends is because you want him to socialize, since this is new for him?

You say this is the one thing he values.

We have tried not to do that, however, we are both at the point of yes, we take away his privileges again until he gets it. In the past, his currency was the internet. I had no problem blocking him but he would call his mom at work every ten minutes so I would turn it back on , until she learned that she could just not answer the phone when he was having his little 7 year old tantrums. Now, he knows when I shut it off he doesn't need to bother doing the manipulation trip.

This evening, I made him aware that as of tomorrow morning, there will be no internet and no friends coming or going until his room is cleaned, he is bathed and his laundry done. Of course, he will do what he always does and ask me to leave it on while he is cleaning and of course, I will say no.

I think for me, I get very tired of the same argument, the same issues, over and over and I do just "throw up my hands". I get tired of the privilege, the apathy, the smart ass treatment he gives to his mother and fear becoming just as apathetic where he is concerned.

We'll see how it goes this weekend. We have also set time limits/ curfews for him being out at night and how late his friends can hang out unless it is a sleepover. As this is still "new" to him, the having friends thing, we have been trying to teach him things he would have learned years ago, had he the opportunity/ confidence then to be more social.

Thank you all for being so supportive. We'll just keep pluggin away!

@Jess, y'all just keep sticking to your guns. Whatever routine you establish, the main thing is consistency. If you say you are going to do it, do it. I know it is not always easy, I have my own moments where I want to just give in b/c I am tired or busy. But I have found that things I do not waiver on are rarely an issue.

And, if/when you need to vent, vent here-you seem to have a lot of support here :)

:sparklyheart:

Thank you all for your support and hanging in there with us.

The good news of the day is that he has chosen a job coach and it looks like we are well on the way to part-time employment!

Yay!

Happy weekend - ya'll keep an eye out for my impromptu monster truck show in our front yard!

As with most things, its two forward and three back.

He did choose a job coach. Yay. I didn't have to have the monster truck run in the front yard. That made Jess happy - she wasn't looking forward to what I would have done to her perfect lawn!

We had some good talks WITH him and I was able to reiterate that this was me saying enough. Setting a boundary with consequences if he continued to be disrespectful and rude to me. I was on the verge of the Mommymelt, but managed to hold it in so that he could see just how emotionally charged I was about this but also that I was not reacting in an inappropriate way.

Was it a perfect weekend? Nope. Was it better than it has been? Yes.

I made a point to grab him and hug him yesterday - for no reason. We were having a good day. He was working on his laundry and had actually listened to Jess suggesting that when he finished his snack, to bring his dish back down to the kitchen and to get the load of clothes out of the dryer. When I went to the mudroom to remind him, he was walking around the corner with an arm full of clothes.

Its progress. Simple things that are often taken for granted by other parents. I felt like throwing a parade. Just to have 12 hours or so where it wasn't angst and tension.

Last night, I went to bed around 8 so I could get up at 2am to make my 4 hr commute, work till dark-thirty and come collapse before I have to be back at the office in the AM. Jess woke me around 11 to inform me that "the boy isnt in his room. He's left." I was ready to just curl under the covers and hope for the best.

I was surprised when I called him that he actually answered the phone. That he actually came home when I, not so June Cleaverly, demanded that he come home now. I went back to bed and Jess went to let him in and deal with it.

Jess was literally still up when I stumbled out of bed at 3am. Bratboy was also still up. I just didnt have it in me to start my 15 hr day with addressing the situation other than to remind him that 6pm on my "school nights" is the latest I wanted him to have company and that he should be in the house by 10. He did apologize and since Jess has had the conversation of. "Do we need to resort to locking deadbolts? Me sleeping downstairs in the guest room when your mom isn't home? What's it gonna take for you to keep yourself at home and not wandering about in the middle of the night?"

I am hopeful that he is just pushing boundaries to see what he can get away with - again, I think some of this is just him reaching certain levels of maturation - he should have been pushing these boundaries a couple of years ago if we look at age-appropriateness. Part of me is SO glad that he is reaching these stages. The rest of me wonders how my folks survived FOUR teenagers. No wonder my mother is medicated; alas, I digress. That's a WHOLE 'nother thread.

Here's hoping that its a good week. Jess could use a break.

I am sorry to hear that your dealing with this.I have my own version of this going on at home.My oldest son is 16 and was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder after years of misdiagnosis.He was being treated for ADHD and yes ADHD meds helped a bit with his percieved hyper activity and he was able to focus on schoolwork but it left him completely emotionally unbalanced.He began to develop OCD and boy was he moody.At night I would pray for him to fall asleep because the meds gave him insomnia.Eventually after years of testing and therapy he was finally diagnosed correctlly.The hyper activity was actually the manic side of the bi-polar disorder.There is also some possiblity of some low level Aspergers which my sisters 17yr old son has as well.I have to stay on top of basic things most 16yr olds will do automatically like brushing teeth, using soap in the shower,using deoderent,not putting dirty clothes back on.....the list goes on.But with medication(Seroquel)he is like a totally different kid.If he misses just a few doses he is not ok.Just this weekend he was visiting with my mother and she didn't give him his medication.She said he told her I was saving them because they are expensive and for some reason she believed him.She stopped by my classroom today and says "God I am so tired, Michael was up at 5a.m chatting up the neighbors out for their morning walk".I knew right away he was off his meds.I had to tell her if she is not going to make sure he takes his meds he can't stay for overnight visits with her.Needless to say life isn't always easy but over the years we have developed some good stategies that make life easier.The best piece of advice I ever got was his body may be one age but his brain is much younger.This became more obvious to me as his almost 4yr younger brother can do so much more at 12.5 and how much more mature he is than his brother.He already feels at just 12 a huge sense of responsability for his brother.I wish you the best,hopefully things will get easier soon.

I have a daughter who is now 20....I don't think what you're describing is beyond the realm of normal. My daughter made the choice to move out in lieu of cleaning her room. She moved in with a roommate even more of a slob than she was.

She was much as you describe, very apathetic towards things that most adults would deem basic life skills.

She moved back in 3 months later...a changed child. She cleaned up after herself often without prompting. Living with a slob taught her more than I ever could.

Life is funny like that sometimes

You know in reading the thread here about the struggles we face as parents with our children...I am struck by a few observations:

I see a lot of my own child's struggles in your posts...the clean clothes vs dirty clothes, putting toothpaste on the tooth brush, turning off lights, tv's, radio's, when your not in the room...or the house for that matter. Picking up trash, clothes, shoes, or anything else she felt inclined to drop between the front door and her bedroom.

The emotional maturity (or at times, the lack there of).

I do not feel my daughter has an underlying disorder not treated. I think my kid is well...normal. There are those children who mature emotionally more quickly than others. There are those who seem to have "old souls". If some children appear to have old souls, then others surely must have young souls.

My daughter is 20 and I think (I hope) is finally moving in the right direction. Her friends figured certain things out the year or two before...she's now starting to realize and accept certain things about life and is embracing them (finally) and her attitude shift has also impacted her basic life skills (cleaning, laundry, bills, etc).

I think in this society we are sometimes pegged to a defined age that makes an "adult" (18)....yet adulthood and maturity don't often go hand in hand (I have an ex that is a perfect example...hell at times, I can be a good walking example too).

I think some kids just take a little longer to get there and may take a different path at times (these are the paths that gives us parents grey hairs).