Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?
 

This thread is intended for self-reflection and thinking about relationships.

What scars do you have from old relationships that play out in your newer ones?

Do you have any insecurities from things that have happened in your past that you have to work to overcome now?

How do you deal with these issues to make sure they don't wreak havoc on your current or future relationships? How do you make your [potential or real] partner aware of your baggage?

****THIS IS NOT A PLACE TO TALK ABOUT THE DETAILS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE
(PARTICULARLY IF THEY'RE ON BFP)****

(Meaning: read the TOS and don't violate them please.)

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLjNzwEULG8"]Jaws (6/10) Movie CLIP - Scars (1975) HD - YouTube[/nomedia]

Over and over ... I fall for women who seem completely engaged, talk about marriage, how where we are "going" seems inevitable ... I hold back a little but go ahead and discuss it. I fall head over heels - then I sense them pulling away and get freaked out, anxious. They sense this anxiety, and pull away or break up based on it. All this after I have *never* brought up or allowed us to fixate on a future that's fun to think about but way too early to plan - after she is talking about how I'll "of course, end up baby X's step-dad" - and "well, you have to stop smoking near the house now so it will be okay by fall" -

I realize they are probably on the rebound, not in control of their own mouth ... or I'm supposed to pull away rather than stay present. But it's a drag. The last one I truly believe was a genuine match, we were so compatible - but she assumed a lot, plugged in her own doubts with her own answers rather than talk to me. I would have been happy to stop seeing each other every day. There are lots of adjustments I would have made to keep a promising future alive.

So - my scars are abandonment issues. I am self-contained, solid, my feet on the ground - until I start to feel slippage. Maybe she's not slipping away at all, but when I sense it, my own steadiness, part of who I am, begins to slip and it's palpable, thus creating even more doubt.
Blech.

I've been fortunate that I've had relatively healthy partners, save a couple. I think overall, I've become much healthier and thus more able to attract someone healthy, too. So that's the good news.

The "bad" news: I worry about losing my independence and my ability to think for myself. I worked so hard to get that back, that I'm afraid to get into another relationship and lose that. I don't think I compromise well.

I'm afraid of becoming somone's "half", like "Someone and partner", instead of a full person on my own. I'm afraid of always being referred to in context to my partner.

I'm also afraid of being found lacking in the intimacy department (I mean physical, as well as emotional). I don't enjoy a lot of activities that are somewhat "standard" (if that's the right word). An intimate relationship might just be too much. I hope not, though.

I'm pretty secure in the front side of the relationship. I tend to attract the type of person I am attracted to, so I think that means I'm putting the right things out into the world.

I can fall fast, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. As long as I don't act fast! (learned that one the hard way)

I have trusted the wrong people, but I'm lucky in that it doesn't keep me from trusting new ones. I just learned not to ignore that gut feeling I have when something just isn't right. And I start to scrutinize a lot sooner than I used to.

My relationships have typically been relatively long and stable, but my marriage scarred me a lot. My trust was broken over and over. My wife didn't love me, and I had to be the one to point that out; realistically, it was probably years after she actually stopped, if she ever did in the first place. It made me feel like an object of convenience - why would you stay with someone you don't love?

I heard a song today that reminded me of how that place felt. I am glad I'm out, and I hope it won't affect my love life in the future. But that's my scar.

It sounds to me like you are afraid of losing your identity, of compromising too much. Why do you think that is?

I'm a believer that there is someone out there for everyone. You just have to be open, have realistic expectations, accept and love yourself. Maybe I'm an optimist, but I think that being realistic, but positively so, is what makes successful people. So keep up your hope. You deserve someone who is just right for you. :)

I was actually going to delete my comment because I think it came across wrong. You're right about Toddlers and Tiaras and the way parents sexualize and objectify their own daughters is sad.

I don't know how you meant it, but I think it's a very valid point, especially for femmes.

I was reading another thread about attraction and a butch talked about how much they liked a femme's long hair, and I'm thinking I used to be a short-haired femme when I was younger. In the last few years I grew it out just to see how I'd look with it. People would try to tell me I wasn't really femme. My short hair didn't match their idea of "femme". I was just as feminine (maybe more so) then as I am now, but my attractiveness was minimized in their eyes because they consider long hair "feminine". My short hair was super cute, but it was hard not to internalize that sense of being unattractive.

I see a lot of femmes and hetero women who, particularly as they age, strive for their younger or skinnier looks to the point of taking extreme measures, and it makes me sad. Because these are strong, smart, beautiful women who are measuring themselves against someone else's standard. I with there was a way to help people see their own beauty.

My scar use to be distrust in people. But I have grown better at trusting others.
I Am Blessed to be good friends with my exes, If that helps to shed some light on my growth.

My scar now is expectation of proper actions in an acceptable time period.
Good old impatience.
Not in the woman wanting to be with me Or in moving in with me.
That doesnt happen right away, I always try to pick femmes who dont want to move in until a year has passed by at least.

My insecurity is not wanting to have my time wasted.
The way that I try not to let that interfere with my relationships, Is combined with how I let any femme interested in me know about my insecurities.
I had such a military attitude about code of conduct and how a person should act and behave in the manner that they say that they do, And not portray characters to me, Or pretend to be someone that they are not.

I was hurting myself alot then, and making myself weaker and less desireable with by becoming full of distrust, anger and impatience.
And in turn I wasnt respecting the woman that I was with.
We were just two good people who shouldnt be together. Not evil or mean women.

I ask a tremendous amount of questions to a woman that has interest in me, or I in her. That is part of my growth.

I was attracting the wrong type of femme for me.
So, In order to break that cycle,

I made a list of what is acceptable and what isnt acceptable for My life.
And then I ask those questions right away.
And if something doesnt match,
I stop myself Or I stop her from the pursuit of romantic interest.

I also did this so that I would not have the baggage of anger or distrust by Me, carrying over into my new relationship.

So, I make sure that Im honest with any femme that likes me romantically.
I keep the communication going by letting her ask me any question that she wants.
And then she decides if she can handle my baggage of impatience.

I don't trust myself...
 

I don't trust myself, and I'm terrified of being publicly embarrassed. These issues are holdover from high school and university/grad school. I had a few bad relationships and false friendships, plus I was intelligent, but people skills?...Not so much. I called it the foot in mouth syndrome... I also still had no clue about my sexuality.

When I meet someone I start double guessing myself, did that sound stupid? Was that silly to say? Was it rude? Am I boring them? What do I say next?? Will they think my interest in X is weird? Am I talking too much about myself? They are probably not interested anyway... I get so wrapped up in these doubts, I end up sabotaging myself. Or running away.

I've been working on this, and I have gotten better. A few more years, and working in jobs where I have to talk with various people have helped. But still, when I meet someone I'm really attracted to my old foot in mouth syndrome tends to come back... and the doubts. It's still a work in progress.

I always feel like running from relationships.
My problem is I want so much from it and get so disappointed when not even
half of it comes true.
Yes; people start by being attentive and loving and you feel the intimacy growing.
Then I become their caregiver. The one to wake them for work, cook the meals, clean the house, push sexual intimacy, and take care of all of their needs and not getting the same in return.
I have been told I give what I am wanting for myself and get disappointed when the partner doesn't come through for me and then blame them when most likely it is me and my expetations of what a relationship should be.
I do take most of the blame in a break up I am not someone who says it is all the other persons fault. Maybe I am looking for something that just can't be in a long run of a partnership.

I think I should try to stay on a friendship level and if there are benefits that would be a plus.
I may be too needy for most.

So, how do you keep these things from impacting your current or future relationships?

What do you work on to make sure you aren't painting someone with someone else's brush? (bad metaphor, but I can't think of any good way to say it)

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For me, my scar equates more to a fear I have, which probably affects my behavior in ways I don't realize. Maybe I am always waiting for that moment when the other shoe drops. I know I am more cautious than I used to be.

I can be needy sometimes and push people away at others. I often wonder what it is that makes me react differently at different times. I don't trust other people to be able to handle my worst emotions or my pain, so I don't often share those things (but I'm working on it). I have no idea where that scar lies, but I'm sure there must be one there.


So these days, I work hard to be more rational. It's not always easy. I recognize that if someone stops loving me, there's probably nothing I can do to prevent that from happening, so I just have to enjoy the moments where I know I am loved. We never know what the future holds. Que sera, sera... right?

Sometimes easier said than done.

Years ago I hired an emotional baggage porter and that has helped a lot. I let him do the heavy lifting so I'm free to do me.

I don't know that I can call my issue a scar, really, but I think it might scar and scare others. When I speak about it, perhaps because I'm femme, or particularly because I'm femme, I've actually had people say things akin to, "Wow, that's such a guy thing to say, think, feel, act." The simple truth is, I don't think I'm wired for the long haul. I don't foster fantasies about finding my one and only and spending the rest of our lives together. I don't think I want that. I'm okay with falling in love with someone even as I understand that it will likely be a finite thing. I learn from every relationship I have, each adds its threads to my tapestry and then I move on. I don't mean that to sound as scavengeresque as it might. Yes, growing with someone is a lovely thing. It can strenghten and deepen the relationship. I just don't want to do it for years and years with the same person. At least at this point in my life, that idea bores the fuck out of me. Does that make me seem callous, heartless, pity worthy? I don't know. While I think there's definitely something to be said for the whole "leave 'em wanting more" philosophy, it's neither my ambition or intent to leave forlorn lovers in my wake. I'm always up front about my feelings and were they to be honest about it, none of my exes would ever be able to say they didn't know my feelings on the topic. I truly believe I am a serial monogamist. After each parting I take time for myself because I also really dig being single for stretches.

Perhaps this will change in years to come, but right now I cannot imagine it.

I really appreciate that you're honest and upfront because your comment brings to mind one of my fears which is feeling unwanted, as if I'm an intrusion or as if I'm just temporary in hys life and hy knows it. As others have said, I too am needy – no joking. I think even a few people here can attest to that, but I'm also painfully upfront about myself. I don't want to hear, 'you have your friends and I have mine' or 'I need lots of space' because I don't and I don't want to be left wanting more unless it's in the bedroom and just for a little while. I want as much as hy is capable giving and that has to mean sweeping me off my feet and making me feel like the center of hys world. Or at least that our relationship is leading that way. It's much too much for some. I'm intense, ridiculously romantic and very sensitive and if ever someone wants to be with me that person is going to have to welcome that. I'm sure there is a scar that causes me to be the way I am but I'm not aware of it's origin.

Part of me wishes I could be tougher, mentally. I think I'd be much happier if I could not need so much. But it's not going to happen because I'm just not wired that way.

Relationship fears?

None. If I had fears I wouldn't get into a relationship.

What I have learned over the years is this : not all people are compatibile.
If it smells like shit, guess what...

There is no point in bringing past crap into your current relationship, everyone suffers.
Let go and let live.

I don't feel I have any real relationship fears other than the normal doubts when one first is still getting to know one another

BUT

What I do have and need to continue to work on is that I sometimes don't like to share my personal space and self. It's odd. I am selfish with my space and time. It isn't that I don't want to or can't be open to sharing that space it is just a conscious effort to get there. Something that took me a very long time to become aware of. It was a lot easier to just blame it on being busy with my family or business but the fact is that is BS I am an amazing multi tasker and have plenty of time IF I choose to make the time.

I think that's what a lot of my stuff is about, too. I want my space, I want my life the way I want my life and if you can fit into that, great. If not, well, we'll have an issue. I very much come from a place of believing we should each have our own friends with whom we do things separately some times. It makes the time we spend together sweeter. I think it's healthy to have whole lives that can be brought to the table. I don't want to merge with you. We can amalgamize from time to time, but I still want to retain my own properties. I guess I'm mercurial.

Beautifully put! I just don't feel the need to mesh spaces either. I want to maintain my own sense of self and space. I do believe this is possible with a like minded individual but definitely have grown and come to the point where I am absolutely not willing to accept anything but what I know I want and need. That might seem unreasonable to some and perhaps it is but it is one of my non negotiables.

As long as everyone is honest about what they want from the beginning then nobody is wrong. Maintaining is a little distance is probably the healthiest way to go anyway. Logically I know that's true but as long as we're being honest, my emotions usually win out over logic and I would not stop wishing for more if I cared about someone who held me at a distance emotionally.

I'm another one who's scared of losing herself completely in someone else. I've done it before, don't want to do it again.

I don't want to give up my space anymore. I moved to another country (OK, Canada, but still...) to be with someone, gave up my my whole life in San Francisco, and moved into a tiny one bedroom apartment with another person. We didn't go out very often, I had a hard time making friends here, and my whole life basically became about her. Never again.

i love this thread idea. it's making me think really hard.

my biggest issue is that i suck at dealing with conflict and am a complete people pleaser. i'm also terrified of abandonment. (more because of childhood things than former relationships.) i can't deal with people being angry with me because i'm afraid they'll hurt me or they'll abandon me.

it's funny because c. has some anger issues and so we've definitely had to meet in the middle on this one. he's actively working on his anger stuff and i'm actively working on not avoiding conflict or trying to walk on eggshells/anticipate his moods, and not freaking out and panicking when there is anger or conflict.

on the upside, as i learn to communicate better and be more honest instead of avoidant, it has led to really healthy and awesome things in relationships because i'd rather talk about a problem than fight about it - that's just my personality. so we don't do the explosive fighting thing. i tease him about needing to have maintenance fights because we fight so little.

i struggle with other things that are not as huge of a deal for me...like, i definitely love my own space and my independence. and i have a tendency to fall hard and fast and get super wrapped up in new relationship energy. i also have a tendency to fall for people who are not as into me as i am into them, but i'm much better at letting go of those situations now than i used to be.

Fatale -- I don't think that makes you callous or horrible in any way! I know some women (more women than men actually) who look at love as something that comes and goes throughout someone's life. Different people come into your life for a while and then things go another way. You learn something from each one and you grow throughout the process. It's not a bad way to look at things. It helps you to appreciate what you have.

I think, for you, dating someone like me would be a nightmare. You would have to find someone who either shares your attitude or is secure enough to realize that you will last as long as things are good and confident enough to think they're going to make it good for a long time.

For me, my ideal would be to love the same person throughout my life (and possibly afterlife), but I understand not everyone gets that. And for some people, it happens more than once. We play with the cards we are dealt.

Angeltoes, I believe you will get tougher mentally. Life has a way of helping us all out there. Look at where you were 5-10 years ago. Are you a little better now than you were?

Your post pulled at my heart, because I can be crazy oversensitive too. I'm better than I used to be, but it's a terrible burden on all your relationships - be they friendship or love.

I'm incredibly lucky. I found someone who really helps me grow in this area. He addresses my sensitivity and insecurities first, then explains the problem. He doesn't take it easy on me, but I think he approaches me in a different way than he probably would anyone else, because he realizes that I can be super-fragile, and I hold his opinion higher than just about anyone's. Even if he is furious with me, he makes sure I understand that I am loved.

And I think that's something we can all do. Regardless of what MrSunshine says, I think almost everyone goes into a relationship with some kind of baggage. It's our own responsibility to let it go and work on ourselves, yes, but we can all be better at relating to our partners and making sure we address their needs and are sensitive to their scars.

<------------ does NOT like sharing closet space.

I don't have any fears other than fact that my partner is 20 years older than me. I get afraid that I am going to be alone sooner than I want to be, or go through issues with her aging when I am still relatively young. I am a freak when it comes to thinking about the future and being paranoid anyways, so that doesn't help. We talk about it and deal with it. We are both in it for the long haul, so it is what it is, regardless. I just can't imagine my life without her, so that's what gets me all scared.

i thought i had too many fears to count but then i realized that the real issue is that i'm afraid i wont be accountable enough to and for myself

Ummmm don't even go there lol the mere thought of sharing closet space gives me panic attacks..lol just not going to work

my fears are abandonement; i also have a strong personality (i've toned it down a lot) and a lot of peeps choose not to deal with me instead of communicating.

few tend to have patience to get to know me to fully understand and adore me.

i take a lot, and i also give a lot in return...

who i have attracted has always been an issue, since my self-worth was not always that great... it's gotten a hell of a lot better.

i'm not afraid to up and move, since i consider myself a "mobile" individual. there are a few places i would rather live than in California.

do i have a handle on my issues...? You Betcha...

it's not always easy for me to meet and get into a relationship... i'm very jaded and cautious... but once i feel i can trust, my world and heart opens... and it wont take an ice pick to get there ;)

i used to be a "people pleaser"... not so much anymore... either you like me and accept me or not...

~namaste'

self esteem
 

A lot of my relationship fears and concerns relate to my own self-esteem. i know this and admit to it.

I am poly and I am married to a man. WE have dated separately and we have dated the same person in both closed and open relationship.
The fears that developed after a few tries at dating the same person is a few of them about 3-6 months into dating have broken things off with me saying that they are only interested in my husband and do not find me sexually attractive.
This was a low-blow. I felt like it was the equivalent of taking my self-esteem and throwing it on the ground in order to stomp on a few times before throwing it into a meat grinder.
(side note: my husband did not continue dating these woman because he felt they were not open and honest enough about what they wanted and resented their treatment of me)

As someone who is naturally nervous about approaching women in general...the previosu relationships caused me to wonder if any woman would ever be interested in me.

I ended up dating again but I still have these insecurities about my own attractiveness, especially when it comes to sexual relationships.

My biggest relationship fear is feeling like I have to tone down my natural personality. I can come off stuck up if people can't realize I'm being sarcastic. I don't want to bottle all my comments and hold back how I feel because someone is overly sensitive. Needless to say, I can be hard to deal with.

At times I'm afraid that I'll never have a relationship at all. Im not that old but I have never even held hands with someone.... except friends and family. :innocent:

Insecurity
Fear of being abused
Fear of being cheated on

It's funny, I never had any insecurities until the last relationship.

I am afraid to open up now. Kind of like "anything you say can and will be used against you". I won't discuss my fears or dreams too freely.

I have a fear of being cheated on. I was a VERY trusting person, now, I am not sure that I would ever be as trusting again.

I am afraid of not being good enough. I don't want to have to try hard to be someone I am not, just to be accepted or considered good enough.

I am now a runner. I was never a runner before but now, I look for "warning signs" and, even though I am not dating anyone, I know for a fact that the first time I saw even a smidgen of my ex in someone, I would run. I look for reasons to not be interested and/or to equate others with my ex....

I am afraid to give my heart completely because I am now afraid that my heart will be crushed without thinking twice.

I didn't realize that I had soany fears until I thought about it. The old me is definitely not around anymore. I no have that spark of fearlessness when it comes to getting in a relationship.

Rejection, is a really big fear for me.

Truthfully I know I am quite damaged through many experiences in life. But I can also say I have grown and healed a great deal in recent years, not least through the unconditional love and understanding from my loved one.

I few I can think of straight off are....gifts: I used struggle to allow Hym to send me things.....in my crazy childhood I always had to `pay` in some way if I received anything, either material or a nice experience, attention etc....so I have a default emotion of fear when I am blessed or happy about something...I have come a long way in this. Hy has finally taught me that Hys attentions and generosity do not have a price tag.

Another would be feeling `not good enough`....in many ways but one example would be that when we first found each other despite mailing and speaking on the phone for...wait for it.....maybe 6 months....it was only then I felt confident enough to send Hym my photo. It was all credit to Hym that despite asking a couple of times, when I stalled Hy would laugh and say it didnt matter as Hy adored me anyhow no matter what I looked like.

There are quite a few more but to be honest I dont really want to visit that head space for long so I`ll leave it there....

I would happily say that I am far more whole and healed now than I was few years ago.

Daisy :bouquet:

I have been through a lot of emotional and physical abuse as a child. There are times, when I'm afraid to allow someone to love me. This type of insecurity is something that I continue to work on. As a result, it can end a relationship and then I become depressed. Being a Capricorn, I love to help people out and this helpfulness has been taking advantage of by former partners. I am learning on a daily basis, how to be there for people but not give 100% of my help to only one person.

I am afraid of rejection and having my heart broke. That's why it takes me so long to trust my next partner.

Zimmeh

Intresting topic. I have been thinking alot about this lately.

I think my experience reflects alot of those here... a fear of rejection that stems from a feeling of not 'being enough'. I don't know how this can be avoided when you have been through the end of a relationship which in fact PROVED that you weren't enough and were summarily rejected. Unless you are the one who always done the leaving I don't know how this can be avoided.

My last partner made me feel like I was made for her and that what we had was special and unshakable. I am now left trying to internalize that it wasn't special - and was like so many others that have blown up was just a made up illusion that was based on fundamental lies. This is the only thing that has helped me come to terms with something I never thought I would be able to live without.

I have become acutely aware of my shortcomings as an intimate partner and am currently trying to address some of these things. This apears to walk the fine line of being the person you are, verses changing yourself into something else in order to sustain a relationship. I don't want to be what I'm not but I do want to be the best version of what I am in order to maximize the happiness in my life. The difficulty is determining the difference...

You know what hurts and left a huge hole in my heart...a Femme saying she's your soul mate and during some of the hardest times in your life she leaves you..not even a letter,a phone call,nothing...u just never hear from her,again.

I haven't moved on from loving her...i'm still here if she ever wants to come back.