I wonder how many "apartners" have children, particularly young ones.

Living apart is sometimes a choice for those with children because they realise how difficult or disruptive introducing an "outsider" (with or without their own children ) can be...so they choose to wait.

Also, I have found that partners without children of their own often have difficulty finding their place in such a "family" . My own experience is that successful "step parenting" is a very particular and somewhat rare skill and can be far more difficult than parenting. and the introduction of the new partner often leads to the parent finding themselves in the middle of an unhappy series of conflicts which they sometimes resolve by splitting up or simply living apartnered till the children are no longer dependants.

Without generalising too too much:

When you're Young there can be many choices: if not this one, maybe the next one...you don't have that much stuff to move anyway.

In the Middle there can be many complexities and you better hope you've figured out who you are and, equally, who that other person is...particularly if you have responsibilities beyond yourself; or one day you lost your mind and opened a joint bank account, and, more importantly, you lost the allen key for your Ikea furniture.

In the Older Years, you are far better off partnering up even if it isn't made in Heaven cause there's nothing worse than lying on the kitchen floor just out of reach of your Panic Bracelet with your hungry Chihuahua starting to chew your leg off.

Personally, I'd pick a live-in partner with a sense of humour over the kids any day.

Mommy's joking, Honey xoxoxoxoxoxo

My last relationship was like this. We were together for three years. Living in different towns, each of us with our kids at home. We shared a house most weekends, and went our own way during the week. In many ways, it worked for us- like each of us liking/needing to have our own space for our own personalities, too many kids to merge and no desire to uproot them either, and in other ways it was hard. We didn't live close enough to each other to be able to meet up mid-week or something if one of us was in need- having a hard time. That kind of thing.

I have always made my kids priority while considering dating, because they are just that... my priority.
That being said, I am open to what the universe has for me... if that means a long distance relationship, then so be it. I am pretty flexible. I am femme (;)) I would want to co-habitate (when/if the time came). It would be more consistent for any child involved, thus giving everyone involved more stability.
My children will always be part of the package and my potential partner will have to accept it. Hopefully a potential partner will want to incorporate parenting into the mix... because its not always easy being a single parent.

this has been a bit of a ramble... my thoughts were all over the place.

I definitely fit 40+, kids almost grown stage and will only consider a LAT. For one thing, I travel a lot, prefer to travel alone, and so from my partner's perspective, it would be like a LAT even if we did live together.

I love having my home reflect who I am, and don't want to "blend".

If I want cornflakes for dinner in my PJ's over the sink, so be it. Got a sudden urge to rearrange my room at 3AM, I could do so. Spend the day writing? I could do so without feeling I was neglecting someone.

One advantage to getting older is that you just don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about your relationship, so I (if I were in one) wouldn't care what it looks like, booty call or not. What someone else thinks of me is none of my business.

As for the scenario of injuring myself far from a phone, there are little necklaces with a panic button on them that alerts 911.

As a side note, what interests me on a sociological level is how quickly lesbian or gay couples move in together vs. heterosexual couples. I know there are a lot of variables, but while I personally don't know of many unmarried yet committed heterosexual couples who live together, it seems to be a "goal" for many in same-sex relationships.

Hi folks, this is a support thread for LATs and those that are interested, not a place for people to post that they don't want LAT. We will be changing the title of the thread so that it is more clear.

Jennifer, Mod

Thanks :)

I should have been clearer.

So, what things have you done in previous LATs or one you are in now, or things you will take forward into the next one to help it run smoothly? There are oodles of tips on how to live together, lots on ldrs, but not quite much out there for LATs.

I guess the main point for me has been how much stuff of you partner's/spouse do you want at your space and vice versa? And how many days together to spend in a row?

Like Gráinne, I really like my home and don't want to blend with someone else. It takes me a long time to fully decorate a home. I've been here for years and still have a bare wall or two because I haven't found or created what I want. Whatever the case, I'd rather have a bare wall than to have something there that isn't what I really want. That's a small quirk, but I dont' want to compromise my small quirks if I don't have to. And I don't have to when I live on my own.

Like ICC, I don't want to be "responsible" for another in a living situation; I might walk your dog or empty your dishwasher, but it's nothing I'm required or expected to do. But more than that, I like living by myself. I like having a space that I don't have to compromise with anyone.

Apart from now, the last time I lived on my own was in the early 1980s for three years. It was great. I openly dated many people. Sometimes I stayed at their place and sometimes we'd stay at mine. Eventually I started seeing one of those people exclusively and we got married and moved in together.

I'd consider getting married again, maybe, but I won't live with anyone again.

I used to live on 5 acres. I wouldn't mind LAT on 4 or 5 acres. But I would want us to have separate entrances to the grounds so we didn't have to see each other when we aren't together. I want the feeling of separation when we're apart.

As for partner's/spouse's things... I generally have no issue and feel just fine with giving them a night table, one drawer in the dresser, a section of the bedroom closet, and a shelf in the medicine cabinet and keeping some of their favourite snack foods on hand in the cupboard - if they need that much space.

I personally prefer to keep very little of my stuff at theirs. A drawer for relaxed about the house clothes, pjs, travel make up, a change of shoes. And a place in the bathroom for travel toiletry bag to be hung when there (otherwise zipped and in drawer). I like their place to feel like a little holiday place for me with them, rather than another home I have to look after.

I've thought about that. I'd love to have a community of tiny houses with about 8-12 people in their own single dwelling abodes. I'd happily partner with someone in that community. But I'd need it to be urban. Hard to find land for that in an urban landscape.

Thank you for this thread. I love the idea of living apart, together. The only time I consented to living with someone is when I got married. I enjoyed it, while the relationship was enjoyable. Honestly, I didn't think I would. We brought a child into our family and it was heartbreaking for all when we went our separate ways. However...

I am back to loving living alone (on the nights I don't have my child). I love it when my child is home (ok, I know that's a given for most people, but for some it's not). We have a family space. I am realizing that I am only willing to share that occasionally with someone else. It's really difficult blending families together. I find it difficult to get what I need when there is only togetherness. I need alone time (and I don't mean just a couple of hours), time alone with my kid, time alone with my partner, some family (kid/partner) time, and some friend time. Then only way that makes sense to me is if me (? I) (too tired to figure proper grammar right now, but it didn't sound right) and my potential partner lived separately.

I have always loved being alone. I need time to myself to rejuvenate and feel like a human again. I love being with people and then I need to be alone. I have yet to be with a partner that truly understands that. Some have understood it on an intellectual level, but on other levels felt hurt that I didn't want to spend all my free time with them.

One of the few things my former partner shared with me as to why she was breaking up with me is that I had told her that I loved the idea of having two houses on the same street. She didn't want that, which is totally fair. She should be with someone who wants to spend every night with her. Ironically, she frequently distanced herself in our relationship. But, that's for another thread... Interestingly, I was willing to forgo what I thought was ideal for me to be with someone I loved so deeply, but now I am all about discovering what truly works for me right now. We all have the right to change our minds, but after what I went through (the struggle of living apart or living together), I come back to wanting to live on my own, with my daughter, and partner with someone who lives elsewhere.

I thnk that's an interesting point though Violette. I don't really want to spend time around people who aren't there. I have better things to do and it's better company on my own. I think people who like to live with others find ways of distancing themselves while sharing the same space. Well, you'd have to or it would drive you mad. I can't do that. It's just not within my skill set. I can do that with roommates, but not romantic partners. If I can disconnect from you in the same house, I don't have feelings for you.
Other people don't really work that way. They can emotionally turn off and on in that sense and I can't. I *need* physical space in order to live and breathe.
I've had a partner that was emotionally quite distant for quite a while and frankly I needed physical space from being around someone who was so emotionally distant. And some time to myself. I was killing myself doing all the house work, all the errands, cooking etc and I needed *space* (me time, separately, in another room, with door closed, no interruptions) when I came in the front door to decompress from fighting with the world before taking on the tasks of the house. So I said I wanted to have my room be the spare room, move my stuff in there but still sleep together in the master bedroom.
Nope. She w I'll take the spare room, then she w under come and sleep in the masterbedroom. Which annoyed me slightly. I wanted the absolute me space but I agreed. She then got quite upset a few weeks later about the physical space, but the emotional distance space is was drove me batty. She was also a very intense person.

I'm an extrovert. I tend to partner with very hermit like and thus very intense introverts who kinda of use me for 30% or more of their emotional needs because they don't like people in general. I can't really take that kind of intensity and yet emotional distance at the same time anymore in terms of living space.

I need my physical territory. I think most people know how to disengage in a way I don't know how. And frankly isn't in me. Although lots of people say they are open to anything in that "rethinking" thread, it's been my expereince that not living together isn't one of those things they will be open about, and it will fall to me to come up with a compramise on my needs... Again.

Wow... sorry to hear about your lats difficulties and all that. But I do understand. I have the same problems with my ten cats about understanding lats. They are totally against it. I just can't seem to take that final step. I hope you have a lot of fun times, and things to do together, when you all Are finially together, though.:blink:

I've used similar examples when explaining why I prefer to live alone, but mine include: if I want to drink a pot of coffee at 2am, I can, and I don't have to explain it or defend it to anyone. If I want to eat toast for dinner, I don't have to worry about, or be involved in whatever the other person is going to eat. If I want to turn on the air conditioner when it's 60 degrees outside, I can. Essentially, I want my living space to be my own, and I don't want to have to justify simple actions (like drinking an entire pot of coffee) to anyone, or compromise on having the curtains open or closed, or having a pet or not, or eating breakfast or not, etc. etc. etc. etc..

I enjoy my own company, and I'm extremely self-sufficient, so I'm sure that factors into it. Most people don't get it. Most of us are socialized to find a partner, get married, live together, have kids, etc. I've not big on following social norms, so I'm sure that factors into it as well.

LAT
 

I actually think this plan would work well for me. I love my alone time. I have been in long relationships that were very successful living apart for years but when we moved in together things seem to fall apart.

I am giving this idea two thumbs up.
:thumbsup:

It's the non-domestic form of commitment. I would very happily get married and commit myself fully to one person for the rest of my life in the deepest of respect, love, loyalty and partnership. But I don't want to share my private me time with them. Everyone wants time to themselves. People who wants LATs just need more of it. More control over their home environment and personal space. I'm t doesn't mean they love anyone any less. We love just and deeply, intensely, and desire connection just as much. But we also desire our personal freedoms around our personal space and environment probably a bit more than most.
I literally get mentally ill if I don't have my freedoms and space. All of my colour goes. The world becomes a big box of grey crayons. If you can love a flower for growing on its own bush without needing it to be cut and put in a vase inside your house, where it will wither and die, then you are capable of understanding why some people need LATs.

I definitely like having my own home, my own place. I don't ever foresee giving up my own residence. It's my quiet place where I can retreat from life and take care of me, in ways that add toward feeling good. Especially so, for me, because even though my children are young adults, I want to keep my family life separate from my romantic life. I just feel better when I've got my own place. I'm definitely the type of person who likes living alone, yet apart when dating or in an relationship (together) .

In my last relationship we had talked about this and agreed that it could work for us. We laid the ground rules that we both AGREE upon.

It worked for awhile then of course life happened and things changed. I was willing to keep my end of the agreement however she was unable to handle the changes and I totally understand that.

When life throws us a curve sometimes it can be too overwhelming to ask someone to accept that the time you were giving them is now going to be limited. Not that it is what either of you want however you cant stop giving someone undivided attention. It isnt fair.

No matter how i feel about her she deserves more then i can give her now or in the near future. I pray that someone comes along and gives her everything she deserves and then some.

I think this will work best for me in the future if and when I am able to give any time to someone. First my circumstances must change

I am rather fussy and more than likely SHOULD live alone, but my whole goal is to find someone to do stuff with, go to movies, travel, etc etc so I don't think this would work well for me.