Divorce: What's next??
 

So for any of you who haven't been subjected to my sob story.. My partner/spouse of 18yrs wants a divorce. She told me about the divorce almost a month ago, and I found about the 'other woman' about 2wks ago (who has been in the picture for over a year - and significantly involved for 4-6months). This is the second time with this other person who lives overseas. We still live together because we own a house and will be unable to afford other arrangements until the house sells. She has been pretty considerate in that I never see her communicating with this other person in any way. She behaves much the same way as she usually does. Only thing is that I have to remember not to grab her hand, or give her a good bye kiss.. and obviously we do not sleep in the same room any more. I am just acutely aware that I am living with someone else's boyfriend.. even though it is my spouse.

I feel so damn lonely! I feel rejected. Some part of me wants to join a dating website and find someone to hang out.. but most of me feels like this is too soon - and that if I did this I would feel like I was cheating.. even though this would be ridiculous under the circumstances.

So, my question is.. for those of you who have some knowledge of this kind of a relationship...

1. How long did you have to wait till you started dating?
2. Did it feel like cheating?
3. Should I wait until I get divorced? I have looked into some local singles get togethers.. but I'm not single... and I sort of am...

I realize that this is totally selfish and that it would be classic rebound behavior. I really don't want to drag anyone else into my drama..

Hmm.. it just occurred to me that maybe I should try just being on my own. Maybe that's the answer?

How does one become comfortable with loneliness?

Help! Any thoughts??

I need a little perspective or something..

Give it to me!

My thoughts:

Wait a year to heal. However, do socialize, flirt, get your "sea legs" back. After 18 years and a divorce, your confidence as well as your sense of self and the persona you exude needs reinforcement. If dating is unavoidable, enjoy it. Maybe even hook up so as to avoid being monogamous too quickly. Don't hide in yourself to rebuild - make yourself be social so those parts of you don't wither while you find your sharp edges again and all the parts of you you compromised or buried to try to save your marriage. Practice being you, and find out who that "you" is again, because she's changed in 18 years. Maybe join some groups that are not singles-focused so as not to be drawn into any drama until you're healed a little more, but still can meet people (even singles) without the pressure of being a "singles group".

No need to be divorced, as long as it's in process.

I suppose it depends on how your marriage has ended, but I personally felt nothing like I was cheating. I deserved the warmth and affection, and so do you. It was a great relief when I finally got involved when the shadow of my ex and what I had been through was less intense.

Karysma
 

I've been there. Even with support this is an event you (alone) must navigate. Stay strong, you will survive.:candle:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-h...b_5719793.html

I still don't date and it has been almost 9 months.

For the longest time, the thought of dating did feel like cheating. That feeling is gone now (finally).

I no longer compare every person to my ex.

The thought of having sex with someone else now seems exciting and not dreadful anymore.

I still do, however, get turned off by things, in other people, that I saw in my ex.

The best thing about it is that I know what I don't want.

I promise that I do know what you are going through and, I know you don't believe that it will get better but, it will.

Don't date until it feels right for you. It can take any amount of time you need it to take.

Hello Karysma,

I very honest post I thought.

I would say being alone does not equate to loneliness......they are such different things. Practice and familiarize yourself with the art of being alone again, for a while, for as long as it takes. Rediscover yourself as a single entity and let the `part of a couple` piece of you fade gently away. In time you will feel complete in yourself rather than needing another to complete you. I would say it is good to reach out to others...such as being here...slowly begin to fill your days and thoughts with new things...new directions but as for diving back into the dating pool....I say wait...work through the hurt you have suffered..it takes time...learn, heal and grow. You will know when you are ready to date again.

Be both gentle and patient with yourself.

Good luck, wishing you days filled with sunshine up ahead.

Daisy :bouquet:

Wow. Great replies. Thanks! I took a little while to digest what you all said..

Hominid - Great suggestions. I like the bit about getting my 'sea legs' back. That is so true. Though I am not sure I ever had any sea legs! lol! I can't remember that far back. I've been with her for almost half my life. I am thinking this may be more like finding that I do have sea legs. When you say that you change a lot in 18yrs that really hit home. I do feel like I am someone that I both don't recognize at all.. and someone I vaguely remember.

Of course I realize that this is WAY too soon to even contemplate dating. So much of my identity is wrapped up in being her partner. I would have nothing to offer anyone - and that is not fair.

Kittygrrl - Great article! I read it twice. I am glad to hear that I am on track with several suggestions. I suppose looking at it I am processing it ok. I do have to watch the negative talk about the 'other woman' because ultimately it doesn't even matter. I realize that. I don't even really blame her truth be told. But.. some of the stuff I found out covertly does not need to be put out there. If I knew her I would apologize.. but I don't know her like that soo...

ShyStoneFemme - I am so glad to meet someone who is making it through this. There are so many moments (and yes I say moments because that is how often I swing through those grief stages.. lol!) that I think.. how am I going to make it through this. It think I would be coping better had I seen it coming. I am so looking forward to a time when I am not thinking about her ALL the time. I still love her and that is the part that just hurts when I remember that she doesn't love me.. and the future that we were working towards a month ago (or I thought we were) is gone.

Daisy Chain - I totally agree that being alone does not equate loneliness. The biggest problem for me is that I am not alone - but I feel lonely. She is in the room.. she is talking to me.. but I can't touch her. That makes me feel lonely. It might actually help if she wasn't here to remind me that she doesn't want me. I definitely agree with the 'get out there' principle. I tend to be a very self sufficient, internal person. My spouse-ish was the social one arranging get togethers and such. I have been forced to reach out to people whom I haven't spoken to in a good while. It makes me feel bad that I feel like I am using our friendships when I wasn't in touch when things were good. I do have to work on that. It's hard when people are so far away - but I am so grateful to have such amazing friends that it doesn't really matter that we haven't spoken in years. We just seem to fall back into it.

Might I also say that I am so grateful that I have met such amazing people here. You have all been so supportive in what has been the worst experience in my life. (I guess its' good that I have been blessed enough to say that!)
You are all so kind forgiving of my inability to think about anything else.

I just can't wait until I can inhale without feeling the pain of losing her.

*shrugs*

Time. I know.

I am truly sorry that you are having to deal with this pain.

I was not legally married to my ex but we were in a committed relationship-well, at least I was-for 19-years.

I finally ended it due to her cheating and it was no less painful than if she had ended it.

The experience of her betrayal was gut-wrenching.

It took me a long time to heal and to be ready to move on. I know how crazy it sounds but I did not date for 10-years.

I guess I was a slow healer.

I woke up one day and realized my life was not over and that my heart could be open to someone new and just like that; I started dating again. I have even, finally, been able to forgive my ex and to accept that she was a flawed human, just as I am.

I fell in love and trusted again.

I strongly encourage you to go at your own pace and to not rebound-no matter how strong the temptation to look for that external validation. Let yourself heal.

You will.

(((Hugs)))

Hello Karysma,
I couldn't have said it any better than most here have. I also say stay single, get to RE_KNOW yourself once again, sort through your emotions, sort through questions in your mind, and HEAL FIRST and foremost YOU, Before indulging in any kind of sexual relationship or dating. This way, you know for sure when you're ready to date. I know it's not the easiest thing to do....wait.....but it's the best advice for the most part. Also, get online on facebook and join butchfemme social clubs, hang out in chat here on The Planet (I quite enjoyed your sense of humor the other night in chat), you may find others in your area that do things as a group outting or social hang outs. Get yourself reaquainted with meeting new people and doing things alone ....FOR YOU, that YOU enjoy doing.

I've been single for while now, I get lonely, sure I do, but I always remind myself that loneliness isn't a bad thing, it's just a human nature to want and need affection from others. That special connection you're missing. Find that in friends by making new friends and going out and doing things with new people and making new friendships during the process. You'll get your sea legs back, the loneliness will fade, and build back up your confidence as a woman and that you don't need someone to fullfill you and complete you, you can fullfill yourself and complete yourself on your own.

In time, you'll feel much better about YOU and gain new friendships and so and so forth. You'll learn things about yourself again and then learn to know the things you want in someone and what you don't want. Take time to heal and grow from your experience.

PS. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I'm always a message away if you need an ear or to bounce things off someone. YOU'll get through this part of your life story and you'll be better soon. Take care and much hugs to you.

Anya - You are so right about that external validation. I realize that that is what it is. That and the fact that as much as I like my alone time I just don't want to be lonely.

I think it might be that this isn't the future I planned.. and there may be some part of me that is trying to fill the vacuum. I hadn't thought of that.

I think I am also just so angry that she can move on so easily. Like she is unaffected that our life together is imploding. She just skipped tracks to another life and is moving on...

TruTexan - You are absolutely right. I have actually been doing some 'Meet up' events lately... but mostly knitting groups. Unfortunately I always feel like a pretender in groups like that though because I can't be myself in groups of little old ladies in the south.. lol! I would love to find a Butch-Femme group here. I have not seen one as of yet - and I am afraid that if I did that the temptation to fall into another relationship would be too high. There is a Lesbian group in my area that I might go to. I just have to wait for one that doesn't say something about 'single ladies' or 'dancing'. lol!

I loved chatting with you guys the other night. You don't even know how much that helps! Last week was a time where I couldn't eat. I just physically couldn't swallow because the stress was so bad! But I was able to get some food in while chatting because you guys helped me relax and more importantly.. breathe. It felt good to think about something else for a while. You are truly an exceptional bunch. It is a little bitter sweet though since that is how I met my spouse-ish.. but life goes on!

I met my ex for lunch a couple of months ago. I was curious as to how her life was going.

It turned out that even though she had dated many more women than I (since the break-up) she was still alone.

None of her relationships turned out to be of any length or depth.

I was not glad or happy about it but did see the irony.

Her pain on break-up, was not immediate, as was mine. Hers came later.

Truly, nothing makes sense for you now. What may appear to be one thing may be something else entirely.

Only time gives any clarity.

I'm trying not to speculate on how my spouse-ish's future is going to pan out. I know she will do ok - she is smart, she is very attractive. She has a lot to offer. I do not think the relationship that she is pursuing now will work out - but if it does it will hurt. I am trying to stay away from that kind of thinking.

I do wish the best for her.. unfortunately I also still think that even with my issues I am the best for her. Sure we needed some work. Any relationship does.

I will just have to chalk it up to.. I don't know. Her loss?

I am not there yet. lol!

I am embarrassed to say that I just found the 'comments' section of my CP. Thank you so much to everyone who sent me a message there.. you are very kind.

Is there a way to see all comments? Or once they are off the screen they are gone?

<-- total newb. lol!

The same happened to me.

In September, we went to Foxwoods as my birthday present.

In October, we went to our class reunion together (yes, we had known each other since High School).

On Thanksgiving she left for 3 hours - told me she was going to her friends to take a shower because we had lost power the day before. I later found out that she was with the person she had been dating for quite some time prior.

On Thanksgicing, we did Christmas shoppong.

On Dec 8, we were divorced (no, I didn't know about it, I thought we were working on it).

On Dec 10, she returned all of the Christmas gifts. ...

I thought we were going to grow old and ugly together. Now I realize that I was mourning for the dreams that would never come true. I cried for months. And, I won't lie, up until recently, there were still some glimpses of pain when I was somewhere that brought back a memory.

Now, as of just recently, I am good.

And you will be too. I didn't believe it when others told me that it would get better. I swore, no way... I will be sad forever.... But it really does get better and it makes you stronger .

Sounds dumb but listen to music like "Strong Enough" from Cher... or music along those lines. Crank it up, dance and use that to release your sadness and anger..... if only for a few minutes.

I will be thinking of you and sending out some good energy.

Thanks Shy. Wow. I can't believe that. I guess I just don't understand the lying.

I'm in a weird place - where I am oddly excited about being free of this house.. and the junk.. and the guilt.. but I still want to be with her.

I think the part of me that just want to let it go is getting stronger though. I don't want to be where I am not wanted or appreciated. I do realize that in time I will find someone who will appreciate what I have to give.

I will pay more attention! Thanks!

Yes, you will.

http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/...b73b1d9302.jpg


Keep your head up and don't forget your self worth.