Healing from Heartbreak
 

Time fades everything... But the question is how much time does it take? How many days, weeks, months, years?

Is there hope? Is hope really a fool's drug?

It happens. I can't lie and say it didn't change me. It did. You can't go back to the same person you were. But the new person knows things the previous version of self didn't know. And it takes a long time to become functional in deeper ways again.
My exwife betrayed me and it was so unexpected, such a surprise, it caught me so off guard it felt like I was walking through a meadow in the middle of nowhere and suddenly getting plowed by a speeding train with spikes on the front, where there was no train tracks to warn me there might be a train.


There have been steps away from it. And I don't realise I've reached an important door closing and marker passing until it happens. And it's not just one. It's many. And each one passes. And there is more letting go. It's not just the person you let go of. Their family, the person you used to be before the betrayal, your old concepts, realizations of self deception, a future that was going to be very different, a certain kind of companionship that only that one person could give, the "if we had onlys", the "she needs to!!!"s... So many things.

Only a few weeks ago I felt a flush of relief over not having to deal with my ex wife's drinking when I saw something she had posted on fb. For the very first time, over four years later, I finally felt relief that I was not subjected to her drinking. That I may have dodged a bullet there. That's a massive milestone in healing. There have been many others.

"Long and painful, this slow, hollow road away from you." Until suddenly, it's not. Suddenly, you realise it's your own road and it's filled with the glory and amazement of your own life lived for you.

I'll give you the advice someone once gave me for such a crushing break up: find something just for you. Something you always wanted to do but didn't, because of your partnership. Something you never followed. Maybe it's archery. Maybe it's singing. Mine was massage - and four years later, I am writing my board exams with a career that makes me happier than any partner ever did. My happiness is now my own. My own responsibility. Maybe it classes on writing, maybe it's book binding. But find something, just for you.

Yes so long as I've got a breath of life left in me there is still good cause reason a plenty to hope. As far as how long it takes to get past the pain and back on in to provident living it just really depends on the extent of the heartache and extent of my coping skills at the time.

There is no one right answer for every person, situation so far as length of time is concerned. Just it takes whatever time it takes and the only thing I know for myself to be sure, certain about this and other hard things like it in life is for me the only real way around it is through it.

This because if I try to dodge it by escapist means like drinking or whatever it’s only going to be a temporary reprieve and eventually it’s just going to keep coming back up, back up until finally I become willing to instead of running from it address it. When I experience pain like that for me it’s a sign that whatever it takes somehow I must find a way to brave it, confront my fears - get through it.

The good news is if it seems more than I can safely, reasonably manage to handle on my own there are healthy tools that I can reach for, access, use to help me cope, deal with it. That can just be anything from discussing it here, speaking with a friend, talking with a counselor, attending a support group. It might mean something stronger is in order like medication for depression – lots of things.

Though I can’t know for sure when the hurting is going to end or know that the healing is going to be easy I can say I can get past and through pain of this type if I am willing to access the tools, help and support that are available to me all around. Lots of people have been some place similar in life and made it through and I know when pain like this comes up I can too.

The only way is through, not trying to go around the pain. As for time, that's impossible to say. It depends on many factors-how long the relationship, how "intense" your feelings, how expected the breakup was, even who initiated.

I agree 1000% with imperfect cupcake-this is the perfect time to do those things that you put aside when you were with your partner. It can be big things, like going back to school, or little things. For me, it was playing music I loved but my former partner didn't like.

Attend to your appearance and your health. Exercise, eat well, sleep well.

Happiness is an inside job. You have the choice to create a great life for yourself, whether or not you meet someone else (you probably will). And with a life you love, you're far healthier and attractive to that right person when she shows up.

Lorelei, I also wanted to say that I understand deep and debilitating heart break. I have a shit tonne of empathy for it. I was so devistated I stopped eating for five weeks. I only started eating again because I wound up with unbelievably painful gastritis and my friend did so much for me to help me to eat again. They took me to pubs where there were meat raffles, the best fish and chips in the city, made me smoothies... Finally one won a meat raffle and said "I will let you pick what meat if you cook it for me and eat it with me" that did it, it started me eating again.

I got put on a tranquilizer because I was shaking all the time and I couldn't sleep. I got written off work for three weeks. I cried everywhere. Even on my bike.

Finally, I made a friend who helped pull me out of it. Her wife ran off to find herself in other people's vaginas. We were mostly friends but also had sex because we understood each other's devistation and need of comfort. Plus the sexual chemistry was through the roof. Good sex helped me move forward, quite a bit. But she was just as much of a fucked up mess as I was, so my caring kicked in and through caring for her - making her food so she'd eat, reading to her so she'd fall asleep, holding her hand while she went through wracks and wracks of tears when she'd so painfully miss her wife (which I deeply understood as I still would miss mine)... It helped pull me out of depression.

It didn't help when she ran off with an aquaintance of mine and got married. But that, I knew for certain, was the best for both of us as she had active addiction problems. I tend to have ***~amazing~** chemistry with those who do. Which is why I don't trust chemistry alone.

I started making decisions for myself that didn't hurt. I think that was the very first start of knowing I was starting to get better. But because my exwife and I did *everything* together - we were each other's best friend - I had nothing anymore that had been just mine. So I had to start somewhere that didn't bring wrackingly painful memories. I found a pond we had never gone to, one she'd not likely go to, and started going there. I found a pub she didn't frequent and went there for quiz nights with a friend.

I started going to counselling- which she had refused to do when her dad died. I started going to the Buddhist temple free meditation nights to help with my depression and agony. The Lama was always laughing and telling funny stories. He was very kind to me and gave me very good advice. I signed up for a very helpful meditation style yoga at the temple.

I joined a Dojo, a Japanese temple, so that I had another place to teach me meditation a second day of the week.

I started having panick attacks when I was alone in the house. Luckily, a friend of mine needed a place to move into and I rented her the room as I was drowning in debt. It was good to have company.

I quit my job. I worked from home. I eventually moved home to Canada a year after I kicked her out (she wanted us to stay living together while she started seeing someone new. NOPE).

It's been a long, long journey to regain some kind of grounding. And to recover. There was a big set back for a bit when I signed the divorce papers. Everyone told me to expect it, but I thought they would be wrong. They weren't. Signing them hurt. A lot. I didn't expect that.

My exwife called me and told me she was pregnant. Just to let me know so I didn't find out through someone else. That was shocking. I didn't expect that either. On the same day, the friend I had that ran off with an aquaintance... I got a call from a mutual friend to just let me know she was getting married in Hawaii. My reaction was to accept the first date someone offered me after swearing off dating for 8 months. That was a disaster. I dated someone briefly, who was unbelievably ill suited, because I didn't want to be the one headed to single life while my exes found happiness with others.

Needless to say the dating didn't last long. And I stayed single. I tried a couple more times and each time the person wound up being a drunk/pot head or very anxious and controlling.

So I decided to just let go of it. And be that "on my own, possibly from now on" that we are all supposed to fear. Tbh, it's the most gentle, peaceful, kind, and self loving time I've had in my life since I made that decision.

What I am saying with this massive eye bleeding story is, it's not a straight line. It will be two steps onward and one step back with sometimes four steps back. Different things will help. Others will hinder. I had a bona fide nervous break down from mine. I had nervous exhaustion. I knew I needed help to get through it. I kept a blog. I talked to people. I went for counselling. I went to the doctor and spilled my guts. He made me come in one a week for check ups. I took up meditation to help with the depression. I started taking massage classes and loved them.

How long did it take to not be in agony from minute to minute? A while. I learned to distract myself. It took a few months to do that. I had stress enduced ADD. I was unable to watch more than 20 minutes of a film and I couldn't read anymore (I was a huge reader, often had more than two books on the go). Last month I was able to start a novel. That's a big deal to me.

It took about... Three months before I could watch a film without pausing it and getting up and having to do something else because I couldn't focus. Which was nice. I'm a huge film buff.

Somethings will take longer than others to come back to you. Find new things. Don't avoid pain, you can't. I'm sure you've noticed. But distractions help from being swallowed by them all day long. Even if the distraction only lasts five minutes. That's why I needed mediation - I needed to escape the pain my mind kept reliving over and over. I needed just 30 minutes of rest in my head.

I know this is long. But I hope there are things in this that may strike a chord. I don't envy you. It's one of the hardest things I have delt with in my adult life. I've cried on my bike, on buses, in the grocery store, curled up and hiding in my closet, on the floor in front of my oven with the door open... Everywhere. Till I cried out about a year later. I almost never cry anymore, it's like my tear ducts are broke. I've cried maybe twice in the last three years.

I would never want to go through that again. Love your friends, and keep them close.

Is there life after death?
 

I lost my partner of 14 years 4 short months ago. Some days I'm OK, some days not so much. I've finally begun the process of packing up her things. The first step was giving away her oxygen equipment, and I'm glad I did. It went to someone who really needed it. Last Friday was her medicine. Today her boxers, t-shirts, socks, and shoes. I'm a mess right now. I scream at her, I cry, and sit on the back porch at night smoking too many cigarettes, trying not to feel guilty for all the things I did or didn't do. She was so sick and I spent years taking care of her. The last 2 weeks I was terrified if Ieft the house I was going to come home and find her dead. I spent 2 days sitting by her bedside, dissolving Ativan and Morphine in a spoon every 4 hours. I was not in the room when she took her last breath. I came in to give her her morphine, and she wasn't breathing anymore but still warm. I don't know how I stayed sane those first two months. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and expect her to be in the kitchen watching TV. It's heartbreaking, all of it. I hate it. She gave me a gift. I now no longer have to take care of everything. All I have is me. Here I am trying to find my way in the world without her. God I miss her so much. How does one move on, how long before it gets bearable, how many times do I have to cry every time I have to pack something of hers away? I just don't know..

I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Chad

I found that when I lost M I fell into the bottle real bad for almist a year. I don't drink now. The things that triggered me about her death that I was finally able to set them aside to deal with her being gone. Now her parents came in and cleaned out the place while at work. Then I was pissed but now I wish I could thank them for the pain they saved me from. It kept me from being able to get closure also but I have it now.

For some destructive behavior is easier then putting on the brave face.

May you find the peace soon I know she would want yiu to have.

I tried so hard to get her to have me listed as having power of attorney, but it was a fight just to get her to sign up for hospice. Her sister died two months previously, her mom is in a dementia care facility, and next of kin is her niece. She came down from Washington to help me and pick up paperwork for S's 401k, and sign permission for me to take her ashes and get a copy of the death certificate. I was terrified she was going to take everything from me. Luckily she's her mother's daughter and was amazing and kind. The only issue I have is S's truck is sitting and rotting in the driveway and I need her to sign the pink slip over to me to sell it. I also need it to register it again. She hasn't answered me! I guess next step is to find the pink slip.. I so don't want to look through her stuff. So frustrated at this point I want her truck out of the driveway it's hard to see it every day.