Long Distance - How do you cope?
 

I've never done anything long distance until now and I'm finding it VERY hard. The chemistry and connection is insanely high and I want to make it work but struggle with not having frequent physical contact (we are both very physical people).

So far we have chatted a million hours over messenger and on phone, and today I downloaded Skype which I also hope will help. Are there any ways in particular that you find to keep feeling connected? To deal with the physical withdrawal and loneliness?

If it helps, we're in a D/s dynamic, possible Daddy/girl, romantic dynamic and unsure yet in terms of how to define as it is very early on. We live in different countries, and a good amount of travel time apart. Travel is likely going to be limited to once every 3-4 weeks.

Thanks for the ideas Julie, especially the last part about no alternative. Very good way to evaluate it.

Settling In
 

::settling in, watching the thread::: such good advice already.

The alternative, as I said, it simply NOT an option.

Sir

Have you guys met in person yet? It is not completely clear from your post.

If you haven't met yet, I'd say do that first before becoming overwhelmed. I only ask because I have seen people describe themselves as being in a relationship and even pronoucing love before they have even met (and often it is not clear from their posts that they haven't). One never knows if they will be a match until they actually meet. Don't put the cart before the horse.

If you have met...ummm...listen to Julie!

The longest distance I have done was 5 hours away and that was doable. That was a relationship I wasn't looking for. Long distance has never been an option for me. I figure if I don't know what I am missing (a person I have never met), than I am not missing anything!

Good luck. Lots of people make it work.

*giggles*

Yes of course we've met. Oh my goodness did we meet. That is exactly why it's SO hard.

You may find it strange that one would profess a relationship before meeting, but it certainly happens!

(not that there is something wrong with that :) )

DapperButch raises a very good point though. So often people say they're in relationships with someone they haven't met in person, and I look at that and cringe (based on personal experience, not trying to be all judgey over here).

Anyway, I'm in a perpetual long distance relationship. Going on 9 years, 5 of it married (in Victoria, BC --- waving across the waters to you Silverseastar). I'm in/always have been in Canada, my wife is in California. Some years it's been great, other years it's been disasterous.

We've had years where we saw each other once every 2 months (that seems like a luxury now), and other times it's been once or twice a year.

Communication and visits and all that blah blah blah that's been mentioned is all great advice. But I caution anyone: This may not be for you. The longer you're in a LDR, particularly as you grow more attached/in love with this person, the harder it's going to be for you. Especially if you're a physical person.

How one copes is ... tricky. Right now, I'm trying to cope by taking care of myself, and making myself priority #1. But anyone who knows me at all knows this hasn't been the case (for many years). I cope by making strides that matter in my life: whether I'm married or not. This might sound harsh to you while you're in the beginning stages of new relationship energy. But you'll feel the tugs and strains of longing like you've never felt before. I find it analogous to being an immigrant and leaving close family behind. I watched my own mom suffer over the years, longing to be 'back home' with her sisters. Endless phone calls when it used to cost $2/min to call Europe.

Long distance relationships can be a money and energy draining monster. Do you have the resolve? Time will tell right? Do you have a plan to be together one day? Again, time will tell.

I may sounds like a downer but I am presenting a reality check here.

Good luck

Thanks for sharing the challenges PapaC although it is a little heartbreaking to hear.

If all progresses nicely I would not stay living apart more than we would absolutely have to. The maximum I would hope that would be is 4 years. I'm willing to relocate.

I agree that there is a huge emotional cost and commitment and thanks for being honest about what they are for you. I do know people who do it successfully however. I'm just hoping we will be those people.

L.

Well sure, and it also depends on how you define 'success'. right?
There's been a LOT of good stuff along the way. Don't get me wrong. :)

One thing I'd stress is: be aware of the limitations of long distance but don't let it limit you. Don't let it be the key factor to not growing or not loving.

For example, we're not as prone to just 'running away' from an arguement anymore. We're not as prone to... ignoring the other (because it can be SO effin' easy to do when it's hard and long distance).

Both of us have .... taken great strides to staying connected, even when it's hard. Being aware that a challenge or fight doesn't spell 'the end'

But like when it comes to fights/arguements it is so much harder to talk it out long distance versus say, when you're with that person, a hand is placed on a thigh and all is forgiven in that moment. We don't have that ... luxury, but beccause we have been together for periods of time where we know what that feels like, we can draw on past experiences of being together, and say... yes, we can cope/survive/work through the hardship.

So I don't mean to be doom and gloom about it. :) And I am talking during a time where it's been a challenge, but I hope you can glean a bit of wisdom/perspective from this even so.

I wouldn't shy away from another LDR even now, because I know the risks. And every LDR is different too

that's all I have for now. :) I hope however you cope you continue to find ways to stay connected. It's not always the same way. If txting doesn't work, use email, if email isn't the same, skype. Use video, use the phone. ... be sure to not remain "stuck" in any one method of communication. and most of all: be true to yourself.

:)

Love you girl...
 

Julie, you must have a golden hammer for the nails you just hit. You expressed it so well, and wrapped it all up in nice tight package, and put a ribbon on it. All I can say IMO is ~ it is fucking hard, and that is ALL I am saying.

I hear ya Julie and I am SO not a drama queen that way. I'm okay with folks knowing we are into each other. Ironically we met irl, not a forum, but many of the folks who were there and instrumental in us meeting are HERE. So far I've only experienced a lot of support and I hope I've chosen my friends wisely in that respect.

But I'll take your wise words under advisement nonetheless.

:)
L.

PapaC that clarifies it and makes me feel more hopeful, thank you. You must be committed to her and the relationship and that is something special right there. The idea around shaking up the communication is an awesome one as well. Oh, and I forgot to wave across the water to you! I have dear friends in Sooke and a brother in Victoria.

Scorp that is an awesome story of risk and payoff. It gives a clear picture of the reality in all relationships really. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. But dang if we don't move towards seeing what is there out of fear we may lose out on something amazing. I'm willing to risk that hurt because so far walking away would feel incredibly wrong.

Ya'll are so on the nail about LDR's, being in one myself. I know it's hard as he** to deal with the loneliness that goes along with being in one. I usually try to see my Daddi at least every month or every other month. Right now it's going on 3 months, because of finances. But after my court date in early May, I'll be moving down there to be with her.

Must commend everyone who is in a LDR here, whether it be the next state over, or even across borders. It's a tough thing to do, but the heart wants who the heart wants.

Great advice TCountry, thank you! I think we have "talked" an average of 5-6 hours a day since we've been apart as we can message each other at our workplace. More time talking than many get to have in the same city.

MsW8ing, I can so relate to wanting her stuff with me. She has something of mine but I don't of hers. When I see her next month maybe I can "barter" for something.

CottonCandy- so lucky you can be with your Daddi soon!

We tried Skyping yesterday for the first time and at first it actually made my heart ache all the more that she was right there but not there if you know what I mean. Then after a while it became wonderful to hear her voice and see her facial expressions. I think I'm a convert!

It's hell actually
 

The LD thing is hell...to me anyway...or was rather. My soon to be ex-wife of 10 years couldn't do it. She "needs" someone she can touch & hold.....I can understand & I wish her the best. We lived together for 8 of the 10 years. I certainly am not looking for a lover....LD friendships are great though.......so, if anyone is interested in chatting please do. I would need to BE with someone in person though if I ever get with someone again. Like I said...after living with my wife in the same house for 8 years...the last 2 as LD weren't all that.

I wish everyone success at whatever they feel is best or works for them.

I have never been in a committed, LDR or *in love * w/ anyone LDR .. i've
been attracted to someone LDR so all I am reading i can't realte to my own personal experience, all i know is that i could have what u all have had. and enough time off from my job to dedicate my time to my someone. I know someday, I might I have that experience. just keep loving all of u :))

LDR
 

I've done it LD a few times with only one time turning serious. We coped by playing games and skying or using gchat. We would actually watch netflix together(short episodes not movies) together while we were on video chat. We "cooked" dinner together on webcam. Be creative and it will work, trust me. I know it sounds corny but when you can't be with someone all the time video is the next best thing.

Did a couple of years with my girlfriend both me and her back and forth, 600 mile round trip. We spent holidays together too. In the end it wasnt that i couldnt do it, just got fed up with the travelling, so asked her to move in, weve now been together 11 years. Its never easy living with someone else when you are both older, being used to doing things your own way and there are times when you miss that space but we are both happy with our decision and when she goes away to stay with her family a few times a year, i think "yeh, it can do what i like, no one to nag me" etc. I actuallly miss her.

I go to school 2600 miles from my queer family, friends and my girlfriend... (i.e. everyone I love)

Firstly - I rack up a lot of frequent flyer miles. I have the airline branded credit card and I use it for everything. I'm fly back and forth from Hawaii to California monthly and it's harder on me than anyone else.

Between visits we (friends, family and girlfriend) send silly cards, Skype, text, call and stay busy. We all make a pretty big effort not to dwell on the "missing part" - it makes time go slower and everything harder.

I've had people ask why I don't move back if I miss everyone so much. Answer: the relationships will last over the distance or they won't. Given a moderate amount of thoughtfulness and a significant amount of confidence long distance is less difficult than extensive dental work with greater reward and probably equal cash outlay.

Your mileage may vary - mine is about to hit "upgrade" on each flight! :goodluck:

My youngest son and grandson whos only 18mths old, live in Laos in the far east and it takes us 2 days to get there, also very expensive and i miss them terribly.

It's so interesting to see this thread revived after a year!

The relationship didn't work. In the end ironically she couldn't do it and I could. I broke it off last fall when I found her ability to handle it diminishing and then it becoming hurtful.

What I learned is that both parties need to make a commitment to making and keeping regular skype/phone dates, and both have to put time and energy into the little things to create the intimacy that is lacking in the physical realm. Flexibility is also key.

It's hard but I believe it can be done with the right people. Finding the right person is the biggest challenge.

Sorry to hear it ended. It takes patience and creativity to keep something like this exciting and alive.

I have tried several long distance relationships, the furthest one being on the farthest opposite coast as possible. For me, it was SO difficult. I never had any issues with the person, but I am such a needy girl I struggled with not having them with me to touch, kiss, feel, be lazy with, go on dates, etc.

My partner now, Justin lives in LA and I am in San Diego (130 miles apart). I don't know of most would consider this "long distance" but we couldn't just "be together" when we wanted to be without fighting LA traffic. What worked for us was iChat, yahoo messenger, phone calls. When we are not together, we sleep on FaceTime together or on the phone all night (thank goodness for unlimited mobile to mobile..lol). We talk all day on yahoo messenger or text. We call eachother on breaks or after work. We have done this for a year now. But, she is moving in with me this weekend so now we don't have to anymore! Yaya :-)

The San Diego to LA distance was hard for me too, we broke up several times over it, but ultimately we made it work. Just keep your head up when it gets rough. It takes patience, But you can do it. Look at all of these beautiful testimonies from these amazing people. It definitely is worth it in the end when it does work out.

Smiles!

It warms my heart to hear I'm not the only one who gets cranky and cries alot.

I can't be upbeat 24/7 I wish I could - but there are times when things in my life are pissing me off or making me depressed - those are the time I seem to need that physical presence more than ever - Thank God for Face Time - even tho I know it drives Jo crazy when I am cranky or in a down mood, at least he tries to smile thru it.

As Julie stated communication is key - and I always say what's on my mind - sometimes Jo doesn't agree and is able to say exactly what is on his mind. Lucky for me he's great at communication as well.

We have a three hour time difference and it can be a drag at times, cuz I'm up at 5:30 am his time and he's up when I'm in bed so getting a chance to say goodnite isn't always possible.

But we spend quality time together and get together as often as we can. Do I need more physical time with Da Schmooze oh yeah I do - but we live on opposite coasts and can't make any changes so I've learned to value the times we do get together :)

I've done two LDRs or, rather, VLDRs (very long distance relationships) in that both were with women from opposite parts of the world to me. The first was in South East Asia and the second was in San Diego.

In neither case was it conscious for me (or my partner) that we were entering a LDR - rather, in both instances it just happened after friendship and, by friendship, I mean real-time friendship, albeit supplemented by phone, internet etc.

Neither relationship lasted but, interestingly, I don't think that either failed due to the long distance aspects. Certainly, it caused additional unwelcome challenges but not the deciding factor in either. In practice, both relationships maybe lasted longer due to the long distance nature as, due to the limited real time contact, issues didn't necessarily come to a head until much later than had the relationship been much georgraphically closer and thus spending a lot of real time together.

When these relationships were working, they were often working due to extensive travel. At times, I would fly to the US four or five times a year and my partner would fly to Ireland (where I then lived) maybe two or three times a year. All a bit whirlwind, exciting at times and tiring at other times.

I don't regret either of the relationships, especially not the second of them. It's brought me the continued love of someone I'm incredibly close to and I've no doubt that we'll be incredibly bonded until the end.

We still see each other regularly - she's based in San Diego and I'll be travelling there later this month. Later in the year, to celebrate an Irish Christmas, she'll be travelling over to spend Christmas with my family who have taken her in as a true and real member of the family - and that's saying something given how hesitant Irish families can be to outsiders.


Apologies for what turned into a ramble. Guess all I'm saying is that I tried a few LDRs, built up a lot of airmiles. They didn't work out but gave great enjoyment and I've made some great and close friends as a result. Can LDRs work? Sure they can - and there's plenty of proof of that. Equally, there's plenty of proof that more fail than succeed and much of the reason for failure is that too many use "LDRs" to substitute fantasy for reality.

Therefore, my general view is - if you're thinking of a LDR, give it a go and you could have enjoyment and ultimately have a meaningful relationship. However, for your safety and sanity and that of your partner, keep it grounded in reality at all times.

I've had similar experiences, with a couple of women across the continent or the world (England, California). I'm in Arkansas.

I think LDR can work out, with a boatload of "if's". If you're grounded in reality, as Ciaran said. It's tempting to create an entire fantasy relationship in your mind that is much heavier than reality. IF you keep a "real life" wherever you are. IF you have some idea of being together, rather than a LDR ad infinitim. That can be hard, if you're already established in your own countries or states.

It's also true that in an LDR, the goal can become getting to see one another again, rather than growing closer as a couple. Then, when you do see one another, it's tempting not to "ruin" things by bringing up problems as you only have a few days together. It's so easy to spend it in bed and doing romantic things, rather than "real life" stuff.

It can be fun, of course. You can see part of the world you've never known, away from tourists (unless you go to a famous site, like I did with English woman ;)). If nothing else, you could come out of it with a good friend.

LDRs have turned into wonderful, loving, lifelong relationships for many people. I am happy for all of these couples and offer my congratulations.

I've done a long distance relationship. I will not attempt another one under any circumstances. My reach doesn't extend past the other side of town. Only I can know what is best for me ... LDRs are simply not workable for me.

I think it is awesome to know oneself as best as possible, and kudos for being clear on what does and doesn't work for you Brock. Thank you for the perspective.

I'm amused that you don't state your location on your profile though...teehee...

As a total aside from the thread subject but I'm the complete opposite from the above i.e. I'm naturally grumpy and bad tempered but occasionally have cheerful and happy moments for whatever reason :eek:

Not a chance !!! Any request to have Kermit brings out my possessive and jealous streak ;)