Just When You Thought it Was Safe to Check Your Email...
 

So I've known my ex on and off for the better part of a decade. We've been on-again off-again a few times and this time, it is off-again and staying that way for good. Unfortunately, like clockwork, whenever we break up, I get a message about every 3 months or so with some information about what is going on in her life, an apology, an explanation or an "I miss you"; the latter of which I got yesterday.

It hit me like a punch to the gut to just see those 3 little words. I cried briefly but didn't respond. Sending any kind of message back would be bad in this case as the relationship had become toxic and had a rather abrupt, emotionally-damaging ending. (I got an apology message a few hours later that I also didn't respond to.)

Has this happened to you? Have you been out of a relationship for a while and started to move on, blissfully enjoying getting your life back together when your ex emails, calls, or texts out of the blue?

If so, what did you do?

It's very difficult. I have managed to sever some of the ones that were absolutely damaging because to be perfectly honest, I just couldn't go there anymore. I just couldn't. something snapped.
Others however, I can ignore "I miss you" or "please..." or "Blahblahblahfuckinhearditallbeforeblahblah" because I don't believe it anymore but then something they say makes me lose my temper and I "tell them off" and that's their foot in the door - they then say something in that argument that makes me laugh. Then, I'm fucked. I melt.

And I'm speaking to them again. I'm thinking of two people in particular. I have let go of one and our friendship just does what it does. I don't expect anything at all from her anymore and since that I have to admit we are getting along very well. I don't want anything from her aside from occasional understanding. I know what she's like and that's just that. I accept and just love her for who she is, and everything that goes with it. I don't have to make any kind of commitments to it.

The other is harder. It's my wife and we are just ending the divorce. She still, to this day, 20 months later, still tells me how much she loves me, how sorry she is, that I'm her very best friend and blahblahblah and still says extremely hurtful things that she doesn't even understand she is saying.

But I take a deep breath now and just let go. It hurts, but she's just letting words blather from her mouth. She means them for the five minutes she says them.

It's been my experience that most people are like this. So I no longer trust words at all. I miss you means, really, fuck all. It just means at that moment they are feeling sorry for themselves and lonely and some words tumble out of their mouths fired at your that take the shape of the letters I-m-i-s-s-y-o-u. What does that even mean, exactly? Who knows. it's something they are feeling and it comes out of their mouths. For me, it doesn't mean much. it's just words and passing feelings of someone else.

If you can get fed up and let go of reading any meaning whatso ever into the blather people spill, focus on the actions they do. anyone can say anything at all. focus on what they have done and what they do. And try your best to just let go.

It's not easy but you do get there, eventually. If you feel you have to, set a rule up on your email for a while to just automatically trash her letters for a while as well so you don't have to read it.

I agree with these statements wholeheartedly. Don't wait for the next email to come about....but take a moment now when you are feeling somewhat strong and set up a rule for your email so you don't have to see the letters when they come through. Reading them only takes you back instead of helping you to keep healing and moving forward.

My ex and I were together 17 ½ years when we broke up. As yours, this was also a very abrupt, emotionally-damaging ending.

The anniversary of this event was 4 years ago….tonight….(I guess happy anniversary to me...lol). The emotional games didn’t stop for quite some time, as well as the emails and phone calls.

Our situation was challenging as we both work for the same corporation…..and we are 2 of the 8 Product Line Managers for our organization…reporting to the same director. Soooo…..I have to see her at a minimum of at least once a week for meetings.

It did have to get to a point where I did not answer her calls after hours as well as I blocked her from sending emails to my home email account. If I didn’t block her….I knew that I would be curious if an email came through and would end up reading it….so I took that temptation away. Work was much easier to control.

This week I had to see her several times. I keep it all business and basically do not go out of my way to talk with her. I do not want to, or intend to ever be her friend….she didn’t earn, nor does she deserve my friendship.

Again, you will eventually let go, but it will take some time. Each and every day, it does get a little bit better. Don’t try and rush it….it will happen.

I'm definitely not in the place where I want to take her back. We've been there, done that many times over. I'm in a different place. I think the only reason I don't block her email address (which I've done in the past) is because she's threatened to harm herself. I've been saving each email in case she does that again. That way, I can at least call someone and get her help. Apparently, the last time I blocked her email address, she threw herself into a river.

This may sound cold and detached but I saw things when I was with her that greatly raised my tolerance for unbalanced behavior. I know I'm strong enough this time around to see the emails for what they are and if need be, and they get really unbalanced, I have a legitimate reason to call someone if I have to.

I wish she could see that her sudden desire for me out of the blue is just her feeling guilty and her way of not dealing with her own issues and her own pain. I don't know if she'll ever stop running from herself and despite everything, I'll always love her. I just can't be with or interact with her. I'm only enabling her behavior if I do and it's not doing me any emotional favors either.

I completely agree.

I know blocking can cause ramifications. that's why I suggested setting up a rule to "bin" her emails for a while. She won't know as she won't be blocked and you don't get the letters.

It's very hard to get to the place where you won't feel responsible for her feelings. It took me three years with one of my exes. till at one point, it just snapped.

Also, if people are trying to control you in that way, looking at al-anon tools for co-dependancy (not saying you are by any means!!! it's just some of the tools are very, very handy for dealing with emotional black mail) or this book:

[ame="http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-Susan-Forward/dp/0060928972"]Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You[/ame] (clicky)

I found fantastic to deal with threats of self harm, bullying, etc. I've had some charmers in my life because I couldn't disarm the buttons they use. This book teaches you how to remove the buttons.

What an awesome link. Emotional blackmail is by far the worst thing I have experienced....it was difficult to bounce back from and it is easy to recognize when that is happening...

Thank you for posting that link. Some good stuff.

The sad part is it happens all the time and some folks just do not realize it until later on.

Subscribing..thanks
 

Last spring I ended a 5.5 year relationship with a woman I was truly in love with, at one time. I entered into that relationship fully believing that loving someone was a CHOICE not something that just occurred. I still believe that to some extent. However, if the love is not mutual, if one feels more or deeper than the other, it has great potential to eventually blow up in your face.

The ending of the relationship was somewhat anti-climatic. Two years of couples and individual therapy (which only works if you are honest with the therapist) culminated in a very private and emotionally devastating revelation inside of me. However, that devastating revelation was what was the impetus for me saying, "I can't do this anymore. I think we'll be better off as friends."

She wasn't happy to hear that of course, who would be? However, we tried to maintain that friendship but only kept hurting each other. Finally I cut off all ties with her. She respected that and abided by that. However, I was not only with HER for 5.5 years, I was also a part of her family. Her Aunt was constantly wanting to see me. I was always getting invitations to family functions. I politely declined most invitations, but her Aunt was somewhat persistent, to say the least. So, on occasion, my ex and I were "thrown" together. Slowly, we started to rebuild a friendship with very very clear cut lines, drawn by me. Friendship was all I would ever be offering her again. Period.

Then the flirting started. The compliments, the innuendo's, the sexual suggestions... harmless flirting she claimed. So I took it as that and brushed it off, NEVER flirting back. Ever. Things still progressed. I was pleased, she had been my best friend before we had ever become romantically involved. The loss of that friendship had hurt worse than the ending of the romantic relationship.

It was in Feb, after I had stayed at her house and took care of her pets while she visited her folks in Florida for 3 weeks, that things started getting a little hinky. Now, as I said, we had had several conversations about us, what happened and what lines were drawn and were to never be crossed. So, after picking her up at the airport, I spent the next 4 hours on the drive home, deflecting her offers of sex. No flirting. No innuendo's. Just blatant demands and or plea's for sex. Luckily, for her, my sleeping godson in the car seat in the back, kept me from simply stopping the car and getting out. I was pissed. I told her so. She eventually apologized and I accepted the apology, and we moved on.

About 4 weeks ago, she got devastating news. I was hurt as well. Her mother, who I adore, was diagnosed with stage four cancer. She has a cancerous tumor in her throat, one in her lung and had one in her brain. (They removed it upon finding it) Last Thursday she started chemotherapy. On that day, since her mother is in Florida, and we are here in PA, Jane needed to go out, get her mind off of things, so I agreed to go out for drinks with her. It was fun, at first. We talked, shot pool (I suck at that BTW lol) but we were having a really nice time. It was good to be with a friend!

However, as the night progressed... let's just say that deflecting demands for sex from a sober Jane, is a whole heck of a lot easier than deflecting demands for sex from a drunk Jane. I was angry and more than that, I was hurt! I had never given her any indication that I was into casual sex and had also, several times, clearly drawn boundaries that she kept repeatedly stepping over... which is exactly how our relationship went as well.

So, now I am in a quandry. She apologized, of course and this time I told her in no uncertain terms that if this behavior doesn't stop that our friendship can not and will not be. My quandry is this, is the friendship worth saving at the cost of having to fend off her advances at every turn?

It's been weighing heavily on my mind.

My long-term ex would make it a practice to just show up and knock on my door.

I absolutely hate unplanned drop-in visitors and she knew this but repeatedly did it anyway.

It would always be under the guise of "I just wanted to see how you were doing", so I would feel guilty about just shutting the door in her face, which I should have done.

She last did it a year ago after one of my surgeries, when I was at my most vulnerable. She started talking about wanting to take care of me (an easy button-pusher to suck me in) and how she would still like to get back together and how we shouldn't "waste" those 19-years we previously spent together.

I had a screaming melt-down. (Not proud of this).

Just the though of ever getting back together with her (for all the reasons I have posted about over the last couple of years) was all it took to finally, really clearly, set my boundaries with her. I said that we would never, ever, in this lifetime (or the next); ever get back together. (Reminds me of that Taylor Swift song but mine happened before her song came out).

I also said that if she ever just showed up at my door, uninvited, I would close the door.

I have not heard from her since.

I think that because I always struggled with wanting to be pleasant and positive with her, I would feel guilty if I was firm or "mean" (how I thought I would be to be more direct with her), on some level, it always gave her an opening to try again. My pattern with her was to always give in or be persuaded to do what she wanted, regardless of how I really felt.

I am so glad to not feel like that anymore.