I just want to let you know that I didn't forgive my father until 5yrs after he died. I think that my not forgiving him made me strong. It was my sense of power over him and what he represented to me. I had no interaction with him other than forced visits until I was 18 yrs old (my parents divorced when I was 15 yrsold. My dad died a horrible death beteen his cirrohis of his liver to kidney shutdown his heart actually burst. He died alone in his apartment. I didn't have a bit of sympathy for his demise. I did feel relief. Because for me, my dad had been dead to me for years ad finally it came to be real. I didn't cry for him. Until after he died, I never could cry. My dad always sighted crying as weakness and I wasn't about to ever show him my weakness. Now I am no longer bitter about him, but it took many years after his death for me to get there. Looking back I see I struggled to get my Bachelor's Degree because my Dad told me I was a no good 'c___t' and never would mount to anything. So, do what is good for you!:clap::clap:

FF,

My father tells anyone who cries that they are cry babies. I actually had to look it up in the dictionary to figure out what he was saying. It wasn't in there. I ended up asking my older brother what our father was telling us. My brother told me to just ignore him.

My father is dying a very slow, death. I just pity him. He is not a man, but a weak human being. He can throw anything my way, and I just catch it and throw it back to him. Let him deal with it because I am long done playing that game.

Life is for the living, and to be lived. :golf:

Andrew
:bbq::tanning::bedfuck::waterski:

Yes. I do this so much that people get angry at me if I DONT. They all expect it of me. I was the scapegoat and the peacemaker. I was the black sheep and the go-to for help person. I have struggled with PTSD since I was 11 years old. My story is a looong one meaning the traumatic things were not just happening at home in my childhood.... it really means a lot to read everyone else opening up but I dont want to share mine right now.

I will wait until I am in "that place" already in my mind. No sense in triggering myself while I am dealing with this break up and this emotional abuse I am currently getting daily. So far, with said person at work, it has been emotionally relaxed day. When you get that peace you hang onto it and avoid the "victim" feeling and panic attacks if you can.

Threads like this one are a big reason I come to online community. I am not told here that I "am gay because of these traumas" by the people here. No one tries to fix me and make me want to be hetero here. My queerness was not a result or caused by my life. I would be asexual if that were true because the traumas werent caused by one gender, or even one race...

Thank you everybody here for that acceptance and kindness.

I totally relate to your state of mind. I had several abuses following my childhood and my father. I thought until I was in my mid-thirties it was my purpose in life to take on everyone's dysfunction to create 'peace' from chaos. Then I found myself. A 'me' that deserved and commanded respect from my family. I realized that I was taking on everyone else's stuff so I didn't have to deal with my own. I finally put myself first. It felt selfish and self absorbed at first, but in the end I have the respect and love of my family with all their quirks. I still deal with some of the tragedy. But I am determined I will die, in peace. :riding2::grandpiano:

Family
 

Exactly! I barely see my family because I cut those dysfunctional expectations out of my life. I am still in the feel selfish stage. I know in my head that I am doing what I need to do by avoiding them... but it takes longer to UNDO that "role" than it took for them to lock me into it. Holidays are harder even though I thought it was going to make it easier. I should have expected them to be healthier... rather than easier.

Seems less selfish to think I am doing this for their good also. An enabler I was letting them continue to harm themselves and that helps me every day to think its not just "for me". I also have two teens who have been catching on for a few years... and getting angry in my defense. I think of doing what is right as a role model for my two and my four nephews. I dont want them to be dragged into it and influenced. I dont want the cycle to infect our next generation growing up.

The buck stops here...

I am starting to get worse again. New Year's Eve I was supposed to spend with my daughter, but she sent me a text asking that I not come, because she wanted to spend it alone with her boyfriend. I know its not about me. She is a teenager and just wants to spend all her time with him. First real love for her. I get it. It still hurt me a lot. Then my dad started having heart problems and went in the hospital for 5 days with an arrythmia and congestive heart failure. Now he has to have an operation to have his aortic valve replaced. I am freaked out about it.

Now it's hard to get out of the house again. I have stopped exercising. I am staying in my pajamas all day when I don't go out. When I do leave the house, I shake and stammer and stutter. I feel all jittery and want to just go home. Go home and hide from the world. I don't even want to think of transitioning anymore, its all too overwhelming and scary. This is a hard set back, because I was feeling so good before. So hopeful. Now I am just scared and overwhelmed. And very lonely.

Without going into the details of why I relate to this thread, I will just say YUP, know those symptoms all to well.

Therapy, and meds when necessary, have both helped. It has also helped to have periods when NOT in therapy or on meds. I go back to them if/when I get into that isolative, unable to face day to day tasks, get out of the jammies/take a shower kinds of periods. Of wich, I am happy to report, have happened with less and less frequency over the years, and even more rare now with active involvement in a 12 step program that somehow provides tools that work even with the flashbacks.

Learning to take accountability for who I am TODAY, without seeing myself as resulting soley on the horrors of my earlier years really has been freeing. Its a balance of honoring what I have been through, without secrets or shame, vs not being defined by that trauma.

Pearls

Atomic,

I also stutter. It is another thing to toss in the mix of things I have going.

Andrew

I'm not a doctor but it sounds like you're in a depression. Have you called your doctor to give you meds or readjust them? I wouldn't about transitioning at right now. That is life changing will require a lot of focus
and decision making. I think it may too much right now. First things first and one thing at time.

Call the doc. Get your meds and get what you need to get adjusted so that you feel better. Okay? And one more thing, you're not alone. Do you have friends you can call? And make sure you're eating right.

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1994, when I was seventeen years old.

My worst symptoms are hypervigilance, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, and emotional avoidance.
I also have survivor guilt, although that one is tricky because the person I survived was also the perpetrator of the trauma. Once I got over the initial relief that he could no longer hurt me, the guilt over the fact that I should have somehow prevented his death set in. It's amazing to realize how many different things can be true at one time.

I've spent a lot of time feeling embarrassed about it and I'm done with that now. I've adapted, for the most part, and I have decent coping skills.

I can't date, though. I know I've joked with some of you about why I don't date, but the real reason is I just can't function in a relationship.

Yet. I still have hope for someday I'm just not there yet. :)

After much thought, I suppose I could contribute here

w/o getting into details, I'm in therapy, and medication for a few of my "issues"..
i've already tried anger management group therapy 3 times, i failed horridly but mostly because I simply didnt attend or slept through it [ they have a strange time for it in my area, saturdays/thursdays at 9 am...], the one time i showed "promise" was when i got into a so-called lively debate with a lady who was having a bad week with her kids.I'm young, and she 'transferred' that conflict on my opinion, I wasn't too impressed with the therapy, and most of those there were court-ordered and had to attend for some certification..-shrug-
If I dont take the 3 different sleep aid pills, I can easily go 48 hrs w/o sleep, I would generally stay up and about until my body pretty much collapsed from exhaustion...
I have to continuously be careful with other prescription meds because if something's not in order, I quickly get branded as suicidal, or purposely careless...
I have a so-called swiss cheese memory..And yet sometimes, the most subtle issue, topic or scent can trigger a hellacious flashback
And yes, I have days where I'm in such a state I refuse to do anything, not even budge from my bed..
Thankfully I have people around me that care enough to keep an eye on me during those times.
Oftentimes, whether I like it or not, if the individual is contrary with me, they usually wind up on a permanent shitlist
Im currently trying to convince myself to attend anonymous survivor group...
The rest, I'll skip...for now..
:candle::puertorico::candle:

can this cause anxiety disorder......

the reason i ask..is my daughter had a car accident about two years ago,,and since then has developed anxiety attacks.....is there anything someone can do to help a person thru one.....

A great book on the psychological consequences of traumatic life events is Trauma and Recovery by Judith Lewis Herman

thank you for the feed back on the book.....