Dating other femmes exes: what do you think?
 

I have a friend- not on this site-that had a recent experience that got me thinking about this topic. I could not find an existing thread about it.

Her ex-girlfriend and my friend ran in the same real life circle as another woman that they both knew. They were not friends but did know each other to say hi and to chat about superficial things and happened to frequently attend the same activities and parties.

My friend and her girlfriend broke up after a one-year relationship. My friend started going out again a couple of months after the break-up and the woman that she knew and her ex blatantly flirted in front of her at a party. My friend was truly crushed.

I honestly did not know what to say to her (other than to empathize with her feelings) as it would never have been something that I personally would have done. I avoid a friend's (even an acquaintance's) ex out of respect for, lack of a better phrase: femme sisterhood. It just does not feel right to me personally.

What do you feel about this? Is it OK because the couple were broken up? Is there a respectable amount of time that should pass before you, as a femme, flirt with or date a friend's ex in front of another femme sister-even if not you are not close friends?

Does it matter?

Is it different online vs. real life?

Your thoughts?

Back when I was "straight", I had a rule that I didn't date anyone connected with a friend (unless it was some kind of fix-up). That included siblings and exes. I think the same rule applies to me now. Friends come before dates.

Thoughts, I may be back with more
 

I personally wouldn't date Medusa's ex or Julie's ex or Pinkie Pie's ex because I have a particular kind of relationship with them and other women in my life that ties them to me via my mushy parts. That's an off limits clear boundary that I have for myself.



I don't think it's wrong if you flirt with X who broke up with U and then it happens to be you run into X at Whole Pay checks and there's some flirtation and cruising. Flirting is just that.

I feel we (general) know what is right or wrong and if it feels odd or off then it probably is.


It's a code of ethics a person has to have, ethics vary by person so my ethics aren't going to be the same as X, Y & Z's but they WILL be similar to June's, Julie's, Pancho's, Crystal's or Kens..

I should amend my answer that one possible exception would be if my friend went out on one or two dates with someone, and they didn't hit it off and decided to remain friends. Then it might not be so awkward, especially if friend says "I think you and Date might be great together". But an ex from a long term relationship? That falls under the "don't" category.

And as usually happens, there's a lot of "it depends" situations as LaneyDoll points out. So it's a situational thing.

way back when i was stupid (i still can't believe how stupid i was. and the worst mistake i've ever made in regards to relationships.), i had a relationship with a friends girlfriend. they had broken up, but still, don't do it. i told my friend that i was talking to her ex, ... she said it was ok, but it wasn't. if you want to keep that persons voice in your life, a friendly voice, ... don't go with their ex. i regret it. i was wrong. i was stupid.

this may be a different topic all together, but i think ego causes us to be stupid lol.

and i might add, online is no different from in person. not in my used-to-be stupid opinion.

If this feeling is prevalent, perhaps this is the reason so many femmes say they can't find a butch to date. Also why a butch can't find a femme to date. This is a small community.

Online
 

I think online it's a bit different if sally and Susie were hot and heavy for 3 months, and then they "break" up then Suzie start chatting up Sunny why should there be an issue?

That kind of drama is odd to me, if Suzie and Sunny meet in r/t and start "dating" Sally should just move on/ use ignore feature.

In terms of "close" friends of mine I would not date their exes EVER....and that would be to count those femme's in my top 10 or so.

On the flip side of this.....if we honored the sister code for everyone then there would be so many single butches and femme's out there and that would just seem a little bit silly.

I personally have seen in my community largely due to the fact that it is small.....so and so dated roughly 200 people ( i know exaggerating a bit, well maybe not lol) in any case my point being why is it not ok to date and or flirt?

Online vs real life ? is there a difference? we are all real people online, at least i would like to think so anyway.

over the years it happens more often than not.......people you may know dating an ex of yours and or you dating an ex of an ex of an ex ....

*you* as in a general statement and not anyone specific.

this is a *sticky* situation one in which I believe may actually cut people off from someone they connect with.

Exactly. Riley and I have been together for almost a year. Yes, we met b/c of her. But, I would not trade this past year for anything.

:sparklyheart:

Also id like to say .....as femme's

Who are we to begrudge an "ex" a possible connection and or "date" and or "flirting"

I would not want to be denied that ability Im sure as heck not going to deny anyone else that especially an "ex", people become exe's for various reasons and what not's, does that mean then that NEITHER one should ever date just because they may know someone who knows someone who knows someone else?

I guess Im just living in reality as well as a very small B/F community.

have i ever told you all that i do not read the directions. ooo gosh, it's the femme zone! my bad.

still, don't do it.

although it is the femme zone yes, personally i see nothing wrong with those of the butch persuasion responding here.

I have very mixed feelings on this one. As others have said, this is a small community. If we don't date each other's exes we won't be dating much of anyone.

For me personally, I wouldn't date the ex of a very close friend, but I would date the ex of an acquaintance in real life or someone I know in a cursory way from online only.

Having said that, I think it's essential to keep other people's feelings in mind. We wouldn't want our ex doing the "wave it in your face" thing to us....so let's not do it to each other. Honestly, I don't put the responsibility for that on the new partner or prospect though...I put that responsibility on the ex.

I think.... just say NO...especially if you value the friendship. There is an unspoken friend code...it exists in the straight world too.....

Forgive me for snipping some parts of your posts but I think these parts highlight how I look at it and many of your feelings.

Length of time counts- together a month online and not in real life? Very different than a long-term one in real life.

Blatantly flirting and "rubbing it in the nose" of the ex who so clearly was not over him or her? Different than being gentle with someone's feelings and showing some discretion.

Clearly deciding if the new relationship worth the loss of an actual friend.

Someone that has a habit of dating 200 people- that was not the case of my friend but do not think that is relevant as much as the length of time of the serious relationship-not casual and very monogamous!

Bottom line, it sounds, if I am reading all of you correctly-everyone has their own boundaries and what is right for them.

I still never would. But that is me. I treat other femmes exactly as I would like to be treated, regardless if they live by another code or not.