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But I don't necessarily mean in a good way... like someone deliberately using sex as a tool to manipulate you, you know what I mean? |
I wrote a letter to an ex from 25 yrs ago
the love of my life I was dreaming of her all the time The last time I saw her,her husband threw a major silent tantrum at the gym,it was awful,that was maybe 7 yrs ago. I had had contact with her prior,to tell her I transitioned,I felt she should know,it was fine we talked for an hour.I cried for an hr after LOL Anyway talking with my therapist,he thought,writing may be good,as long as it was positive. And as I have been really sick,it was kinda like tying up loose ends. I never included any intimate stuff,or reffered to it,nor left my contact details,mainly to make sure I was not manipulating her. I wrote,how much her loving me changed me,how she taught me to read and now I love books and bookcases of them. How she was so gentle and kind to me and switched on a light I never knew existed,and said good things about me,I had never heard. And that I'm so happy and proud that she had reached the heights she had in her career,and that I know,it would not have happened with me,as I'm working class and at that time,I never really understood carrers,but I don't regret for one min having her in my life and she was the love of my life BUt I know I was not hers. I did end 4 lines dedicated to the gym,and how he is threatened by me and how fucking fragile white heterosexual toxic men are. I told her I don't need a response and also,that I knew she is not allowed contact with me,but left a link to my music. I was in a band when I met her She lived in the apartment above me and I had put a song on a cassette ,with a post it"play me".I left it at her door.LOL I felt like a teenager,really corny syrupy.lol the soundcloud my songs are on has had so many plays and it tells you where you are popular,she is in Sydney.So I'm popular in Sydney I just needed to tell someone And I will have no contact or ever see her,I know that. I can write this here coz its kinda annonymous And I feel fine and glad I wrote it,so our last contact was positive and he cannot destroy what we had,and therapy is healing my scars,from life,there are no scars from Jenny. ,but I do need a thearapy session. Life is good |
Grace
No fear here, it's all been said and done.
I will take nothing with me but the love received and the love I've given. Makes these next decades of my life grounded in the only thing in life that is important , love...really, not cliche...the LOVE, and yes for this I am grateful. Greco |
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Except no one that had suspicions came to me. I would have listened if they had. Quote:
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Relationship fears
I have had good and bad relationships in my life and my biggest is getting involved with someone who does not take the relationship seriously. I have been involved with a few hit and miss and it really sucks. I prefer to be single than to be involved with a hit and run woman. When I get involved I take it very seriously and endeavor to make my partner happy and content and to work together to make it work for a long time, not a good time.
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Constant abandonment fears!
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