"Adult Only" or "Childless Weddings"
 

I was looking at Facebook earlier and someone I know had posted about how they wouldn't be attending someone's wedding because they "didn't have a babysitter and couldn't go to the "adults only" wedding".

It read a little like the person was feeling irritated about the wedding being "adults only".

I'm curious, what do you think of "adults only" wedding space? I know we have a thread about kids in restaurants but this discussion feels different since people paying for a wedding are paying to create an experience for themselves (and their guests) and not just buying a plate of food (more of a short-term investment both in time and money).

Do you think people get to dictate who is attending their wedding if they are paying for that? Or do you think it's classist to say "no children" at a wedding? Have you attending an "adult only" wedding? Was your experience different than attending one with kids?

Curious! Curious!!

I will preface this by saying I do not have children, nor do I ever want any. I am not entirely child friendly LOL.

I do not see anything wrong with having an "adults only" wedding. I think that a wedding (depending on the people, but whatever) is a very personal event. Period. Whoever the couple wants or doesn't want at their wedding is their prerogative. Some people have big weddings and some people have very small weddings with only very select people in their lives. That's their choice. But people get so butthurt over weddings.

I personally find loud, unruly, screaming children very intrusive. Especially if it's an evening/night wedding? OMG, add overtired to that? I'd be miserable.

Classist? Meh. Maybe. It sucks if you're strapped and can't pay for a babysitter, or find one, and you can't go to an event. But again, it's a CLOSED, personal event. They don't HAVE to make it accessible for everyone. Even if it's classist, or racist, or ableist or any -ist--the couple gets to decide that. They get to decide that they want only clowns at their wedding.

I often have to miss things I want to go to because I'm actually extremely poor. It's hard. But that's life. I think not being able to go to every single thing you want to attend is kind of the sacrifice you make in being a parent.

our reception was audults only because of the cost we still had some kids and that was fine but desd comes from a very large family and with lots of young cousins it could have been to much and we were limited on how many people we could have. the wedding was open to all and on the invite we had a adults reception it worked out well for us but we were worried about offending family. but people understood heck at 40 a person its hard. the kids that were there for both my daughter and our ring bearers and one close friends little girl they had a blast and were well behaved. the kids that came to the wedding also were well behaved

I see nothing wrong with having an adult only wedding.

Personally i wanted all of my friends and family at my weddings...for *me* i think marriage is about family and that includes the kids.

I also get limited incomes and not wanting unruly children....truly a personal choice. I don't judge anyone's choice.

I also see nothing wrong with it. The people paying for the party get to pick who comes whatever their criteria. I would however stipulate that if they invite parents who cannot or don't wish to bear the extra expense of having a sitter choose not to attend, they should not be offended.

I don't think an invitation should be seen as an obligation. That is what the R.S.V.P. is for.

I too have three kids (one with Downs') and would not be offended. I've attended several adult weddings, and enjoyed not having to corral the kids everywhere or watch their behavior.

In my own wedding, I hired a babysitter and a room for all the kids to go color/play. Two of my bridesmaids had nursing babies, so they had to come.

I have been to both.....
 

It seems that no matter the intent for leaving kids out of invites for a wedding....inevitably someone(s) in the family are insulted. In my family, and I stress ~my family~ leaving the kids out is something we don't do. The celebration is something when discussed at a later time the kids can also add in their good time and memories. Most caterers will accommodate kids if its a deal breaker. It was tried unsuccessfully once and has not been tried again at this point. I don't have kids, but if I did and if they were not invited....I would not attend. This includes the informal weddings up to the most formal. Nor would I be nasty about it.

I have children, and I take no offence to adults only wedding . I kind of take offence to people taking offence?!? It is their money, and a lot of it, they should be able to spend how they choose. Their special day. It is not about you, and they loved you enough to invite you to share in it, be thankful :-) besides they are already stressed out about the mom/ dad/stepdad new super young wife family drama, don't add to it!!

**** you is generic, no really it is :)

at my goodbye party in england I asked that it be childfree. It was an afternoon event but it was the very last time I got to see most of my friends. I did not want to have to control my language nor watch what came out of my mouth (some of us were sex workers and many of us were into kink/bdsm and the jokes were not childfriendly). It was my last day with these people. I did not know if I'd ever see some of them again. I did not want to have to edit myself.

Once of my friends asked to bring her three boys. I said the above but added "if it's ok that they play in the next room with the door closed and music on, then that's fine. but you are aware of the adult conversation that will be taking place, because of some of our employment, right?"

she did not respond nor did she come, nor did we speak till I had been in canada for a couple of months. I think she was upset or pissed off. I was sad that she did not come but really, really... last day with people I had known for ten years. no. My conversations with them are not going to be child friendly.

There were kids at my wedding. and at my reception. it's up to the parent. they know what we are like. There were games and prizes that were not child friendly. It's amsterdam ffs. the few kids were taken upstairs by the parents that it mattered to. The kids were kept on a very short leash and put to bed very early. The party went to 4am. I woke up in the bed with five little stuffed sheep and my wife and don't recall getting there.

I figured it would be the parents job to make sure the kids stayed out of trouble, behaved and not see things they weren't supposed to. This happened.

If people want kid free weddings, I can understand, completely - perhaps their friends have kids that will be expected to accomodate them. But our wedding was not exactly child friendly and we did not make it to be so - there was no provisions made for them aside from a room upstairs that could be used to put them in away from the drinking, smoking, pot, dirty toasts, games with chocolate genitals as prizes, filthy drunk speeches later... a couple people dancing in their underwear with glued on fake moustaches to their crotches. it was the guests choice to bring the kids.

If you are making people travel, then I would expect them to bring their kids. If the kids have come a long way, it is rude to expect them to be babysat in a hotel room. I say create a separate space with fun stuff for them to do with a few parents and others sacrificing some party time to supervise. Or, make the reception later at night, when kids are asleep, and make sure that the kids have fun stuff to do all day.

I am all for adult only events, but I am not for making life hard for people with families.

I personally think that holding weddings at distant places where practically everyone invited has to travel to is asking a lot. If you are going to do that, then make sure everyone who makes the effort to be there has a good time.

When my ex fiance and I were planning our wedding we wanted everyone to be able to attend, including their children, but we also knew there were some instances where we thought it best if children under a certain age were not allowed to attend. We arranged for there to be a separate room with free day care for the children to go to during these times (we were covering the cost). This way our friends who couldn't find, couldn't afford, or didn't want to hire babysitters could still come and enjoy the day with us. We weren't going to ban children from the ceremony, we only asked that if they were unruly or caused a disturbance that the parents please take them outside.

Cake!
 

I love love love to attend weddings, I love them even more when they are kid free, not because I don't like kids, but because sometimes I love adult time more than time with kids in it....

I raised two children and have 5 grandchildren (yikes).

I have gone to a couple of weddings with children and a couple without.

No children please!

Please.

There is nothing like talking, crying and screaming kids while straining to hear vows or having children running around the reception.

Nothing like it at all.

I remember my cousin having an adult-only wedding, and being 16, I was mighty offended! But, eh, whatever.

We did go adult-only reception due to limit of people and costs, mostly. Open bar, and 4 hour reception, and all my family staying in the hotel with us were other reasons.

I admit, I was a bit pissed when people RSVP'd 4 people [with their kids].. but I figured someone was bound to do it.. And when I had 23 people not show [and not return my calls/texts] and lost the $40 p.p. on people who DID RSVP and didn't show.. Hell.

Not sure what was more awkward, telling people it was adults-only or figuring out a polite way to ask for cash gifts [as we already owned a house and all the crap we needed to go with it!]

my tolerance for "child-free" spaces is very limited (and for the record, i don't have or want kids). i do not believe people are entitled to child-free spaces and i see it as a part of a larger social problem the way children are treated in our society. that said, i get that people have an attitude of "it's my personal private party and i should get to exclude whomever i want." so, whatever. i would not attend a child-free wedding on principle, just like i wouldn't attend a gay-free wedding or a black-free wedding or an elder-free wedding or any other wedding that excluded an entire group of people. i do think that offering childcare or child-friendly activities at the wedding could be a nice compromise.

I work a lot of weddings and a lot of it is cost related. People spend so much money and they might want an elegant adult evening on rented chairs, rented tables, linen they will have to replace of it is damaged. I've seen so many weddings where no one is minding the kids and they run around tying chairs to tables with napkins, filling salt shakers with ketchup, locking all the bathrooms from inside. I've even seen centerpieces caught on fire by budding pyros.

On the other hand, weddings be a wonderful family event with good planning.

Its about how the people getting married want to enjoy their special day. Its not about what is convenient for the guests and about who might be offended

Having three kids, grandkids, and soon to have a step-daughter I see no reason not to have a family-friendly wedding. However, I also get the point of an adult only wedding too. I think they do have the right to have it either way. If we were invited to an adult only wedding I'm certain unless it was agreed upon that we get a babysitter, that we wouldn't be going. But really, I don't see why we wouldn't... we don't get too many adult only invites anyway so it would be a treat to whoop it up and not have to be concerned with caring for a child. It's really no different than going to a club for the night and partying. :blink:

An adult only wedding might have made my life difficult when my daughter was younger, but that's not the fault or problem of the folks throwing the wedding. I'd see no reason to take offense.

My brother, who generally lacks tact and all social graces, had an adult only wedding, but somewhere someone gave him and his wife the idea to hire a sitter to have at the hotel next door, and they did that. There were a number of travelers and that made it possible for them to come and not have to make multi-day care arrangements for their kids. The uncomfortable part came when they asked my daughter to be part of the wedding and stay for the reception, so there I was with my kid, and others couldn't have their kids with them, and she was the only kid. A little awkward but it wasn't the end of the world.

Well, pretty much, Jac. pubs and clubs are not child friendly and no one expects them to be. I had DJ's from amsterdam, manchester and london... so.. the tone was not for kids...

I have a hard time with the notion that weddings are for and about the guests.

Ok, so this one time....at band camp...

Just kidding!

I worked a wedding last night, with kids who were seem behaved. It was very elegant, until a diaper was changed at...yes, at...a table.

Yes and no. It is the couple's day, and they are spending a heck of a lot on it. But guests are often traveling and spending a fair amount of time and money on the event. For some folks, it's a money they might not be able to easily afford. But they do because they care. When I worked at a library (low pay), a couple of closely spaced weddings could decimate my vacation time and discretionary income. Yet I knew I'd regret it if I didn't attend.

So while it certainly is not ABOUT the guests, couples who make it unnecessarily hard on guests are not being kind.

My cousin's son arranged to pick up relatives at the airport, paid for hotel rooms for those who could not afford them, and so on. I think that if you want loved ones at your wedding, you DO think about how not to make it a hardship on them.

As much as I love friends and relatives, there does come a point at which I will say no. A friend who required guests to fly into a remote area of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and then do primitive camping for two days got a no. I love him, and the wedding pictures were beautiful. But -- for me -- that was too much. I think they had a great time, but I never regretted it. (You could see guests swatting mosquitos in some of the pics.)

At the last wedding I attended there were lots of children (the bride had 2 of her own) Enough provision was made for them to prevent boredom without making the day all about the kids. They were seated at kid tables. This allowed them to feel grown up and their parents to enjoy a break from their offspring while still being close enough to supervise. The kids were given jobs such as handing out wedding favours and sweets. There were bubbles on the tables.... lots of little things like that.

I've also attended adult only weddings/events.

Personally I have no preference other than the kids aren't allowed to run wild and cause havoc.

At the end of the day a wedding is supposed to be all about the couple getting married. It is supposed to be their special, once in a lifetime day. They deserve to have what they want. The couple make their choices and neither them nor their guests need be offended or upset by those choices.

So if it's adults only and you can't go because you don't have a sitter then you don't go and the couple need to accept that not everyone with children will be able to go whether they want to or not.

Only when there is resentment or bloody mindedness does it have to be a issue.

"I don't believe kids should be excluded so I'm not going if the kids can't go"

"I wanted just one day all about us without kids disrupting things"

Grandma would say "a wedding isn't a wedding unless someone falls out with someone else" Hmmm.... dunno about that one grandma, but it was certainly true where my family is concerned. http://i105.photobucket.com/albums/m...liepopcorn.gif

I didn't expect my guests to come, really. My parents could not fly from canada to amsterdam, nor could my friends. My friends in england could not afford the airfare and the bus, though very affordable, is a 12 hour drive. Most people I know in London do not have cars. You don't need a car.

So I had three guests from london (plus DJs). That's it. I was find with that. I wanted my wedding in Amsterdam, I wanted a marriage not a civil partnership, and frankly I wanted to be married in Holland. I missed my mom and dad pretty badly, especially when I came down the stairs dressed to get in the cab to go to the civil service. Ink's Mom and Tante Ellen tried really hard to make me feel at home though. Ink was with her dad and brother and I was with her mom and auntie.

But I fully accepted that my choice about what I wanted for my wedding meant that the majority of of my guests would not be there. I was ok with it, given that 90% of my friends "don't believe in marriage" anyway.

The couple should have the choice and we should not take it personally.

To me
 

If it was about us, we would elope.
It is not. Trust me on this. Your memories of this day are photo's, comments, and pictures. It a surreal moment in your history.

I know. I have done this 3 times. I remember very little of the day(s). It is all about the photographs, the 2 min with each person at a table, and not at all about food, or songs, or anything. This is a big day. Your want to share with Hym or hir. you need to share it with family.

I had my last wedding at Disneyland. Of course they have babysitters extraordinaire. Worked out great. Not as expensive as I would have thought.

For me, excluding children was not an option. If it is not for you, and you know who you are. go for family peace and if you have no place for kids, well hire someone. I would have to. Damn, my Grandchildren keep having kids....

It's usually the couple who takes it personally when a family member or friend declines the invitation.

Just saying, yeah it's your day, but if you're already entitled, and you think having a wedding gives you permission to let it all out, god help your friends and relatives.

Just another point I am making.....
 

I would venture to say most weddings are not free of the drama, or embarrassment and/or shenanigans that are unwelcome! I am speaking of those who create drama, or by drunkenness can take the spotlight from the intended couple. Yup.....the adults!! Sometimes the adult drama is worse than if kids had attended. I agree with some statements in that separate accommodations for kids can be a deal breaker for attending or not, and I think its a great way for the happy couple to say we really want you to attend and share our day! Of course it is totally the choice of the couple who are getting married, that is a given! But they have a guest list for a reason, so as not to share this day with only each other! The chicken dance is absolutely no fun without kids participating IMO!! :soapbox:

Yanno, I went through the complete smiley list.......and not one wedding smiley exists!?? <le' sigh>

I've never wanted to get married.

I should have worded better. When we stop taking things personally, life is better. Weddings are so fraught with feelings and personalities. It seems like such an emotional cluster fuck.

I've worked so many weddings, I'm kind of jaded. Lol.

I've never wanted to get married.

I should have worded better. When we stop taking things personally, life is better. Weddings are so fraught with feelings and personalities. It seems like such an emotional cluster fuck.

I've worked so many weddings, I'm kind of jaded. Lol.

It can be if you are a control freak. I gave control over to other people so I didn't have to deal with any arguments about anything. And people *ate that up*

We had almost no money. People cooked the food, our friends gave us their house in the Jordan to have the reception in, the english DJs (friends of inks) donated their time as our wedding gift and we found them free couches to sleep on in Amsterdam. Inks english guests and mine, we got them a deal at a very inexpensive little boutique hotel and those that could not afford that, we found couches for.

When I arrived to Centraal Station with my GIGANTIC TRUNK of a wheelie suitcase, we walked through the snow and ice, dragging the bags to the house. It was hard work and it was stunning in Amsterdam with the fresh snow. Some of our guests got snowed in and had to stay longer.

When I arrived at the house this was the first thing I saw:

http://i413.photobucket.com/albums/p...methanme-1.jpg

As a piss take for the front area display you can see from the little cobbled street, was this obnoxious pink pony they bought me as a wedding gift (!!!!!). I loved it. It whinnied and made clippy cloppy noises. Yes a couple drunk people wound up on it. More drunk people wore my veil though. I was amused.

they had done the whole bottom floor in white christmas trees of varying sizes, snow, pink and silver glitter, and pink, white, clear, silver and red christmas balls hung on fishing wire and strung with white fairy lights every where. Then my two hosts dressed up as Wedding Fairies with wings and old 80's punk outfits and Danish christmas hats.

they were at the wedding like that as ushers.

The cake, it cost me about £20 to make for 50 people and the top part is vegan. It's Matrimony Cake, prairie recipe from gramma and everyone LOVED it. It was hoovered in minutes. For decorations, I asked everyone to give me little toys that they had. My maid of honour took two of her My Little Ponies and adjusted them- she made one with a mohawk and butch (inks) and mine had a long tail of metalic butterflies. They were amazing, and it was her wedding gift to us.

My wedding dress: £10 matilan, wedding shawl £12 ebay, Veil made by my mother, wig £20 Dalston Market and I styled it myself, Shoes £30 internet shoe sale, stockings £15 but had to order from germany. I already owned the corset and underwear. Entire wedding outfit: £82. that's about $130? Inks was the same. She ordered from ebay, made stuff, and that's her Drag King tiarra. She wore glittering humming birds on her cheeks. She looked great.

http://i413.photobucket.com/albums/p...rouwerijFP.jpg

Weddings do not have to be traumatic or expensive. And it should reflect the couple. I loved my wedding. It was so *fun*
I never wanted a traditional marriage and I didn't have one. All our wedding savings were stolen and we had to do it everything, including the licence (300 euros) on £850. (about $1,350). All of our wedding gifts were people doing something for the wedding or donating to giving us a two day honeymoon in amsterdam.

I don't understand weddings that cost massive amounts. My marriage did not last. But at least I had a blast at my wedding and I didn't go in debt for it.

Ah yes the adult only wedding!

My sister and I had to be around 7 and 9 when an older cousin of ours got married.
The both of us could go to the long and very boring Catholic church part of the wedding, but not the reception. It sucked knowing this. And it also sucked knowing that we'd have to spend the rest of the day with our 85 year old grant Aunt, learning how to play solitaire and watching a repeat of The love boat.

I can see the point of not having kids at your wedding. And then I can't.

Fabulous! Esp pink pony!

Agree on really expensive weddings...why start "happily ever after" in massive debt?

I prefer dogs.
 

I'm eager for a child-free personal space at any given time. Unless it's an exceptional, well-read and mannered child that's not extremely attached to a personal electronic device--but that applies to adults, too.

HB, LOVE the description of your wedding.

O/our wedding in Vancouver was done on a budget too (all of it was arranged with Blue in the States and me in Israel so eBay was definitely O/our friend), and apart from U/us, the only people there were the marriage officiant and two volunteer witnesses (one of the first same sex couples to get married in Canada who acted as witnesses for couples from other countries). It was beautiful and although I know that both O/our familes would have liked to be present what mattered to U/us was that W/we were married even if, at that point, W/we were unable to live in the same country.

So, my view on adult only/childless weddings is no different to my view on weddings in general, i.e., that folks should respect the wishes of the couple involved, be it in regard to the guest list, the venue, or any other aspect of the day. They don't have to 'approve', but they should at least respect the fact that it's not their day to plan.

Words