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A friend of Dorothys- how important is community?
I often see when reading the threads, comments from people who say that they are living in a place that has no community. And these comments often include expressions of feeling isolated. And it made me wonder- just how important is having r/t community?
I know for me it has been extremely important, to the extent, that from early teenage years I left home and family in the pursuit of being in a place where, as a Butch, I would be surrounded by the familiar. All through my adult life it has been the over-riding factor when deciding where to settle, and even when considering job offers/opportunities, access to community was always the final determiner. But I wonder does that “need” change over time, as we mature, as our priorities change? I know for me it did. When I had to make a decision to leave being in the midst of large and active Butch-Femme Community to be with the woman I loved, I worried about leaving what I had known since those early teenage years. But I shouldn’t have worried- I don’t hanker to be surrounded/submerged by the community as I once did. I feel comfortable and confident enough with who I am without having to be somewhere that is familiar, or in a place where str8 is the anomaly. In fact I’m quiet enjoying not blending in anymore. Have others gone through this- changed geography, what impact has being with/without r/t community had on you? Are there certain times in our lives when it’s more important than others? Is it important, if so, why? |
Very interesting Converse....
I would actually say that my situation is just the opposite. Being born and raised in the deep south, I have known only bias, homophobia, predjudice, and shame on the note of being accepted here for being gay. I have had to hide my entire life. The older I get the more I want to be a part of a community that doesn't look at me as a freak. I lived for a short time last summer in New Mexico. Talk about a culture shock, and in a good way. No one gave a crap that I was gay and people there didn't get all "bug eyed" when I walked into a restaurant with my partner. I yearn for that freedom and peace. I live here because my family is here....simple truth. But, I won't forever and I can't wait until I can actually be part of a open community where I am no longer an outsider and freak. This site helps, online helps. But, isolated? you betcha....and I hate it. Someday though, maybe someday.....things will be different. |
My priorities have definitely changed in this regard, but I have always lived places with queer communities even though I also live in Tennessee.
Now that I have queer RT friends all over and I have a partner, I seldom participate in the general "Gay and Lesbian" community events in my city. I used to be at the bar 65 nights a week, now I am a homebody. :) |
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Apocalipstic, you know, I am sure there are some gay social groups at least within driving distance of me and I know I should probably find a way to check them out. Without having any gay friends here, I just haven't...but it is a good idea. |
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Every now and them when we are traveling we will pull in somewhere to eat, see a lot of big trucks with confederate flags, and just pull right back out and go somewhere more touristy. As I grow older I care less and less about what other people think though. What part of TN Princess? We cancelled a huge picnic when the flood happened, but will be rescheduling soon, maybe you could come and meet some people. :) |
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I do live where there is some what of a gay community bit for some reason over the years I find I fit less and less within it.When I bought this place there were srveral gay families hear and I have been to a fue of there partys tho not many.I really thing as we age things change,what we expect inlife changes as well.I use to be at the gbar nearly everytime they door opened just to hang out with my community but have long gotten tired of bar mentality,noise ect.We do have a pflag hear but its dosent do very much beond a once a month meeting wich is not well attended.Last year we held a pride event hear for the first time since ive been hear,tho they didnt let on about it till the day before it happened so I wasnt able to attend on such short notice.
I have thought about moveing over the years but know ppl who have done so,what I get from them is that its was ok in the begaining but ended up as solitary as before.For me I will do my best to just visit a fue places then injoy the visits while im there. |
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Nice thread :)
I am from the South as well, North Carolina, to be exact. When I moved out here to California, it was a HUGE culture shock to be somewhere and there were GLBT folks walking around, holding hands.. In broad daylight! There were rainbow flags up YEAR ROUND and there wasn't a rebel flag anywhere to be seen. Is living in a place where I see gay people and Pride all the time helpful to me as a person? I think it is.. I don't go to bars to hang with people in the communities, we have a GLBT Center here that has groups and functions year round and weekly. I know that I will be moving back to the South at some point.. But it will be very hard to adjust back to living somewhere where even the other queers are scared to have other queers openly hold hands in broad day light.. I will miss this realtime queer community that I am living in. Thanks for the topic, look forward to following it. -Tony |
i'm in the south too. Many years ago, there was a group of friends (lesbians & one TG guy) who would get together every Friday night for dinner & socialization. We advertised the group in the one & only hole-in-the-wall gay store, but never got new faces. As people moved away or whatever, the group just sort of vanished. i missed it tremendously, and still long for a group of like-minded people just to hang out with and do fun things.
Besides that though, there is no r/t community here. We have a gay bar, but really...i am so over it. Many years ago i spent several weeks in Portland, OR. i asked to go to the "gay neighborhood" every day, just so i could sit and watch and smile. It was fascinating to me....all these people walking around, holding hands & just being. i LOVED it. The same when i got the opportunity to visit SF a few years ago. i went to the Castro daily just to people watch. i go to Atlanta Pride every year, as much to be surrounded by 'my people' as anything else. i love the thought of retiring in an exclusively women only community. |
I really yearn for rt community and it's very depressing when I have gone too long without it. Thankfully I live near Austin. :)
I realized recently I would really like a good gay male friend. I actually do have some treasured gay male friends, but they have scattered to the four winds. I think it would just be really comforting somehow. I guess I am feeling like gay male energy is missing from my life lately. I did very much enjoy the recent Austin femme tea party - it was quite comforting being around a couple of smartypants positive femme energy - I hope some of it rubbed off on me :) |
i have been spoiled for the last 25 years. Ann Arbor and now the Bay Area.
i would not mind being more out in the country in California. i would lose some community, but i wouldn't really be in a homophobic area unless i went WAY out in the country. If i moved to someplace truly remote, i am sure i would miss queer community, but what i would miss more is the progressive atmosphere i have gotten used to. i don't want to hear a lot of conservative bullshit on a daily basis. i like all kinds of people, but i don't want to work THAT hard to get over their politics and prejudices. It's tiring. |
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I knew of one person closeted before she came to a very large gay friendly city, and after a year of being out, was forced due to family circumstances to return to her home town. She struggled; I recall her going through some extreme emotions. But within a month of going back- she came out to her family, and scoured and hunted until she found some gay connections. 3 years later, her situation again changed and she was finally able to leave. She said that the exposure that she had the 3 years prior was so important in allowing her to know who she was and to know that it was ok. She said it helped make her braver so now she was the big rainbow colored fish in a small but friendly bowl. She said the giant fish tank although is was colorful- was just too big for her, so she never moved back to the city. Have you been back to visit since you relocated? |
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Now I can tell you, for a packing Butch- that can make you feel mighty uncomfortable. I always moved along extremely fast when I was getting near that gate. Do you think it is the friendships, or the environment of seeing "your people" just being- that you are looking for? |
Converse, thank you for your kind words :) No, I haven't went back in the past three years.. It will be interesting when I do go to visit, which will be (hopefully) sometime this late summer, early fall. I'm out to my family, except for my nephew.. He's known me from when he was 18 months or so when he moved in with my family. He's not seen me since he was 6.. He's nine now.. I'm kinda nervous, to be honest.. In any case, that is one of the things that has me a lil worried about going back.
I do actually have some friends that live around there that are queer, so may get to spend sometime out and about in the local scene, will see how it goes. Will also be diffrent because this is the first time I'll be there as a transguy that passes for biomale. lol.. I'm sure that it could be fun though! :D Will be sure to post about it when the time comes. Thanks again for the thread and the topic :) -Tony |
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In the same light, do you think its important for femmes to have close femme friends? |
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Did you choose those locations because of community? Or at least was that a consideration, and if so, do you think that your willingness to move to somewhere where it isn’t so prevalent is because you are in a different head space now- a different phase in your life? I’m trying to get my head around whether “community” is more important for us at certain life stages |
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