Can a poly/mono work?
 

Question to the community:

Do you believe, and if so, what is required for a poly person and a mono person to maintain a long term romantic love relationship?

FYI on me: romantically heart monogamous, with multiple long-term committed leather relationships that may or may not involve sex and/or BDSM at any given interaction and when I attend leather events I often "trick" which means I may have some form of leathersex. All sexual encounters that are not with committed individuals are using safer sex. Tricks, though wonderful folks, are no threat to my leather family and/or the one who is first in my heart.

:canoworms:

Good post and interesting thread.. I myself ID as poly, the girl that I am dating does not ID as such. We've talked a LOT about it and she knows where my heart lies.. With her.. I also have a very dear friend and lover that I have been involved with for almost 4 years. They know of one another and respect and trust my feelings for both of them..

I think that any kind of relationship can work, as long as all involved are open and honest about where motivations lie and when something just doesn't feel right.. I encourage both of my partners to talk and to share with me how they feel and I check in often when I want or need to about where I am feeling and what my needs are.

That being said, I am not looking for any other deep relationships.. I don't have any other sexual partners, but ifI find drawn to someone, I would check in with my girl first.. the man I see and I's relationship is different.. He is poly, my girl is not.

I guess my point is that it has been working so far, lol.. Lots of communication, transparency, and honesty. I look forward to seeing how others feel about this topic.

-Tony

i'm polyamorous and both of my partners are monogamous - one by circumstance (he's just never really felt the need or desire to date anyone else since we've been together - we've been together 7 yrs) and one by choice/disposition (he never planned to date anyone polyamorous and has no interest in it, but we fell in love and he's been really accepting of it - we've been together 1 yr).

the things that have been most important for us are open and honest communication...c., my partner who defines himself as being monogamous, had never really been in a relationship where that had been encouraged before. and the other thing is addressing it when jealousy comes up. usually it's around the idea that he's not enough for me, or i might find someone else and want to leave him, etc. so we've had a lot of conversations about breaking down those ideas/fears.

i'd love to date someone who is also poly, but with a few exceptions, i have always ended up with monogamous people. and it's worked pretty well in my long term relationships :)

I believe anything can work if there is complete honesty and communication. When people fail to communicate and cannot be honest, that is when trust is lost and things fall apart. It is hard to gain trust back once it is broken.

My experiences with the people I have been involved with that id as poly have not been successful because they were not honest with me or kept things from me, which I consider to be dishonest when we have agreed to being forthcoming with anything that might hurt either one of us.

I was clear out in Wyoming once, with no way to leave or get home when I got an ”oh by the way” announcement that I shoukd have been told about a month sooner. And while it might not be a big deal to some folks, I felt deceived and the weekend was not very good. I am very clear about honesty and what it means to me. I don't need details, but I I do need to know something is going on.

I hope that makes sense.

To be honest, I don't know, yet, if I am poly or mono. The first person that I dated, after I started transition was poly, however, and he got me started thinking about this sort of thing. He and I talked for quite a long time, online, as we lived a distance from each other, unfortunately. In the end, it was the distance and my financial inability to go see him that ended that relationship, not the fact that he was poly.

I think that it might be able to work, but I also think that it would take a lot of openness and communication between both parties to do it.

non-monogamous and I married a monogamous wife. I stopped having sex with others. At first it was uncomfortable and I freaked out about a lot of issues like, what if she tries to manipulate me through lack of sex, what if she tries to control me through monogamy, what if.... and really most of my issues were about feeling in control and lack of trust. after two months of dealing with my shit, I was fine. I found I was far more jealous of her giving attention to others but that calmed down too.

we were together, and I was perfectly happy to be monog, no issues came up. Until she did what my biggest fear is around being monogamous. She fucked off with someone else while we were having sexual issues due to both of us going through a depression.


I am always afraid that monogamous people will just piss off with others at some point, for sex/intimacy when the attention needs to be on our relationship. When I've had a problem in the past with a death in the family (which is what happened) and I've been non-monog, we've always closed the relationship temporarily to deal with our stuff and not bring other people into the mix while we sort our shit out and igve support.

I'm actually very angry about having changed a big thing about myself only to have had it thrown back at me. She was so scared in the first year we were together that she wasn't kinky enough, wasn't non-monog, wasn't expereinced enough... the amount of reassurance I used to pour on her... and she fucks off with a woman 10 years my junior. Thanks.

Monogamy my ass.

That said, I know I can do monogmany now so depending on who I meet next - as long as they can deal with my battered trust with monogamy...

No offence to the poly or mono people out there just my 2 cents worth so please don't hate for my post lol...

Personally I don't believe it can work because of the between the 2....I have been in a poly/mono relationship before and given it was my 1st attempt it was also one that will remain as a reminder to me why I was hesitant in the 1st place to get involved...

I was the mono and hy was the poly.... Initially I thought I could deal with things as long as we remained open and honest with each other, provided we did the whole communication thing everything would be sweet....

Alas as time progressed things began to change and other people involved begun to get noses out of place and it became a messy triangle of confusion, mistrust, anger, hurt between all who were involved....

Even though you are honest about who you are with or who you are attracted to or feel you want to explore things with, doesn't stop the realization of real feelings coming into the mix of things.... Being open and honest doesn't stop the mind or heart wondering if they are enjoying them more then you or the feeling of being inadequate to meet their needs as a whole and I found out in the end that's exactly what was felt....

I find whilst one persons needs are met there is always someone who is meeting just one side of the persons needs when you mix the 2 together.... Because the mono is doing all she/hy can do to make the poly happy and stable or the poly doing the same for the mono to make sure they feel secure and most times the poly has a couple to deal with these same issues with.... I don't feel it can be given the 100% which most mono require which is why we are mono to give 100% of ourselves to another......

When a poly dates another poly..... There is more understanding because you are both in the same equal posistion to each other.... Where as if you are a mono in the poly/mono relationship and you feel the need to change your status to a poly as well it doesn't seem to go over very well or at least sometimes it doesn't......

I have nothing against someone being a poly or not I believe it's a personal choice as it's my choice to be a mono... Like any relationships it requires time and understanding and there is good and bad in all aspects of relationships.... In the end what really matters is if you enjoy being there then why not.... If you don't then get the hell out before the sheets burn :)

Good Heavens, that must have sucked! Insecurities can play havoc on any relationship. Bring the mono/poly twist into and you have a recipe for disaster. i would also like to state that not everyone is driven by sex, but that seems to be a common denominator. i don't know how anyone sacrifices or risks an entire good relationship to go have sex with someone else, but i am not in their shoes to judge that. If you want to have sex with different people then find someone who is either open to that or stay single.

i have had jealousy issues in the past, but i now know i had reason to be untrusting. Each and every time i trusted, i was right about my suspicions.
My current relationship is not like that, she openly loves others in her life and that is a wonderful thing. i admire that about her, but she loves me unconditionally and makes sure i know where i stand at all times. Nothing to be jealous of.

In my past when i was dealing with something new to me, which was *jealousy* and i talked to my Syr/partners wife about it, she explained it like this:

"Jealousy is when you feel something that belongs to you is being given to someone else without your consent"

That was so true, whether it be sex, love, time, emotions, attention. Poly has to be a willing place, you can't just turn off your feelings of wanting to be just one on one, or having the person you love be true to you only.

I judge not how others live their life.

I know myself and what my soul needs to thrive.

Poly relationships would not work for me in any capacity.

It is clear from many posts that I have read, that it can and does work very well for some folks within poly relationships.

I just know, that for me, it would not.

It is what it is. Monogamy is where it is at for me.

This is a fascinating thread. Some of my favorite people on the Planet are here :) and the discussion is so grounded and thoughtful.

I don't have any insight to add, but Dee, your parter's wife's definition of jealousy really struck home with me. I had jealousy toward a partner's ex, once, and it still makes me sad to think about it.

It wasn't that I felt she was giving away something that belonged to me, it was that she was giving away something she had never given me.

And the ex was so mean to her, which made it even more painful to watch.

I had never thought of it that way till I read your post.

Scout

The expression of needs and exceptionally clear boundaries and rules are key.

Success is my goal, I believe in love and the ability for the human heart to expand.

Excellent thread
 

My primary relationship partner is mono, our relationship has been in place since 1997. Without a marriage license. When I make a promise and a comitment, I mean it.

It never worked for me. I am monogamous and have always made that clear.

No. I tried and while on paper it sounded doable, in actuality, it tore me down, apart and asunder.

Confused
 

Hi fever, I'm a bit confused about this part of your post. Are you under the impression that Femme Tops can't handle poly situations like butches do? I know *I* can handle poly with ease, in *my* experience it's been the other way around. Butches seem to want to dick pump and get all akwRd and insecure when I'd be out with another. I've not had this much of a problem with the girls/Femmes/Women I've been with..

I think this thread is asking about whether someone who is poly can be with someone who is basically monogamous long term, meaning one of them does not have connections outside the relationship.

I may sound like I am policing this thread. I am not. What I am doing is speaking as a poly person. We can't seem to have a discussion without people coming in and saying, OMG, I could never DO that. I am an ethical person. It's not in my nature to do THAT.

Thougts
 

I'm often hesitant on posting in poly threads due to the stigma that comes along with being perceived as a sexual starved cat in heat.

Weatherboi and I had that very discussion before my participation in this thread. It seems when the word poly is attached in any manner it is assumed that it's about sex, it's about selfishness, perversity(not the good kind) carelessness and all around negative. I'm glad this was brought up!

I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).

I am fairly picky (plus not everyone's cup of tea). I could easily be in a relationship in which I have no outside sexual or romantic connections while the other does. I have been in that position. But I could have always decided to pursue outside connections. Also, as I get older, I am not as interested in pouring so much of my time into relationships.

I know of marriages in which one partner is poly and kinky and the other person thinks it's strange stuff. The marriages pre-dated the one partner's exploration of kink. I know of two of those that have stood the test of time.

In the hypothetical scenario described above, it doesn't seem to be about whether someone is poly or mono, but whether someone has an expectation that their partner be poly or mono. If i expect a partner to be mono and they are not, it would probably be an issue. If I expect a partner to be poly and they aren't, it would probably be an issue. Either way, for the relationship to succeed, I imagine the "issues" need to be addressed.

Although "I'm going out to meet a lover" is honest, it doesn't seem very nurturing. I'd like to think that if I was monogamous in a relationship with someone poly, that there would be some discussion and ground rules established for what behaviors are acceptable. Likewise, if I was poly and had a mono partner, I'd like to think that I would treat her in a manner that was respectful at all times.

Yes, if someone can't tolerate you being poly, but wants to be, that is a problem.

But if one party wants to be monogamous and is happy with the other partner being poly -- which I think is the hypothetical -- then I imagine it can work.

My guess is that it would stand the greatest chance of success if the monogamous partner were basically poly, just not interested in more than one relationship at this time.

If a person with no experience of poly were to enter such a relationship as the monogamous partner, I would not give it much chance. But who knows?

I'm going to take a wild guess that these things would be discussed wayyyy before they arise. If they are happening and it's a SURPRISE!! then I can see where there is gonna be an issue and feelers are gonna be hurt, maybe that's where it goes wrong that people aren't 100% honest with one another.