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Sexual Abuse: Coping, Recovery and Survival
While I don't think this is going to be a popular thread, per se, I think it's an important one to have available to those who may need it. This is a safe space to discuss sexual abuse in all its forms as well as the coping skills we've adapted to survive it and the recovery process in general.
I'll begin, although many know my story. I was molested by my 14 year old male cousin just before Christmas when I was 5. It was a one time event but changed my relationship with my mother significantly. At 5, I realized that she would not be able to handle it and so I made the decision to keep the information from her. In that moment, I became the parent. For those who do not know, my mother was paranoid schizophrenic. There were many times in my life that I would actively take on the role of parent....the responsible one....the one who got the things that needed to be done, done, and this is the catalyst that began it all. Without going into my whole family history, I was in the system for about a year and a half, getting out when I was almost 9. The reason my mother was able to get custody of me again was because she was taking her meds and was married to a 'stable' man. Yeah. During the next 10 years, this individual manipulated both my mother and I in the most horrible ways. He managed to talk his way into making a pact with me, that I would replace my mother in the wifely duties department in exchange for him not sending her back to the looney bin. His words. Nice guy, huh? Of course this eventually developed into a deep resentment of and towards my mother, but that's pretty moot at this point. During my 'training' in the art of pleasing men, many things happened. One, I developed a permanent medical issue that affects the way I physically respond to my partner. Two, I have several emotional issues that I deal with off and on, such as disassociation, raging, triggering, and shutting down. I've never had professional help, such as therapy, but it's not because I haven't seen or desired the benefits of it. I just have not been able to afford that type of care. What I have done is research, in books, videos, and online. I've talked with close friends and my partners when I felt it was safe to do so. Talking....sharing....helps. When I am left to my own devices, I shrink into myself and sometimes that is a very small, dark place. I know that the abuse wasn't my fault, though I dealt with guilt in various forms for a very long time before I was pretty much able to put it to rest. I still hate the man who abused me. He's deceased but that doesn't lessen the urge to rip him to shreds and make him hurt like he made me hurt. So, that's something that I'm still working on. I'm still very much a work in progress, as we all are, but I know the things I need to work on and I have people in my life who support me and share the weight when the burden is too much for me. I'd like this place to be a safe zone where everyone can share with and support another. Peace. |
There is a case (many, many within this "one" actually) of several members of the Mohler family in Missouri abusing a number of children for several years. These men.....all related....forced children into mock marriages, child pornography as well as forcing some of them to assist in murders. These men disgust me. This case disgusts me. But I can't get away from it. There are some similarites to what I and some of my friends have been through that make it impossible to forget.
This may be triggering for some. For informational purposes if anyone has not heard of this story: Here and here and here |
I have a question, how can I as a friend help someone who has been abused in the past, they come to me to talk and I just listen but I feel helpless, they feel it was their fault and I know it's not by any means.
Any suggestions for us friends on what to say or do or act? |
NotAnAverageGuy,
Just listen. Trust me - that is best thing you can do. I am a survivor. I know first hand that it is a gift you can give to someone is to sit and listen to them talk. Sometimes that is what they just need to do. Do not act surprised. Do not belittle the person at all. Go with the flow of the conversation. Namaste, Andrew |
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Having a trusted person to listen when I need to vent or 'talk out loud' has been priceless and probably the most effective method I've used to cope with past abuse. It may seem as if you are not doing anything productive, but abuse is more psychological than physical, in my experience. Just providing a safe environment is a tremendous help to your friend. Quote:
*nods* |
Good to know this!!!
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I have oceans of guilt for not protecting my sisters. It will haunt me until the day I die. Nothing anyone can say or do to take that pain away. I will always live with that. But I have to say I have made some peace with my past so it won't screw up my present or future. Everyone at some point has too. It is a matter of survival, I think. We just cope, and move on. We just never forget.
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The mind can learn to forgive, but the body never forgets.
So true, Andrew. The adult you KNOWS the limitations you had then but the you then still thinks that you could have done more. It will always be that way but....like you have done....peace needs to be made at some point for growth and progress to occur.
Our minds are so complex and are truly amazing at coming up with ways to adapt to traumatic situations and environments, but they can still get stuck in one place in time and all that comes with that memory, including guilt...shame....fear....etc. |
Yes, Gemme. I think it is like this :canoworms:. Do you have bad dreams? I do. Sometimes I start talking and my sleep walking comes into play.
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I agree with the postings above that one of the best ways to help a friend who has been abused is to listen. One of the components of abuse is secrecy. Victims are coerced or threatened not to speak. They are made to feel guilty and that feeling of guilt is compounded by remaining silent. Sometimes all a person needs is a kind, nonjudgemental ear. The very act of being able to speak of the abuse without fear of judgement or recrimination can be cleansing. |
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So from now on I will keep an open ear on every word and just let them talk |
Every individual can be such an impact. One never knows what others have endured.
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Thank you for this thread.....it's nice to know that there are others....
-hides- |
I am just dropping by to say hi to everyone. I hope everyone is doing well.
Namaste, Andrew :pipe: |
Bump de Bump Bump
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I hope you are also well. |
Being sexually abused is a very touchy subject. I was sexually abused when I was 8 and it lasted until I was 13/14. I was never told to keep it a secret or I would be killed but that no one would believe me. There is alot I dont remember because I blocked it out of my memory. I do have bad dreams of being raped. I have been prescriped sleeping pills to stop the night terrors which it helps some of the time. I have been through therapy and continue to see a therapist on and off. My last therapist suggested the book called The Courage to Heal....they also have a workbook and its supposed to help out alot. I am having a hard time finding out where i am in the book because it works in stages. Just thought i would throw it out there and maybe someone else would benifit from it. peace and love
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No thank you for starting this theard. Many people dont realize how common childhood sexual abuse really is.
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