Sarcasm, Scathing Witticisms & Uninspiring Quotes
 

a safe little lockdown to get that crappy little comment (yours or someone else's) or your favorite hilarious but truly insulting quote out of your head so you can stop feeling bad about yourself and go back to being the charming little tidbit of perfection that you are!

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"i feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."

stephen bishop

"[he's]...a legend in his own lunchtime."

rex harrison

"i can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.

steven pearl

"thank god you've insulted me! that means that i don't have to be nice anymore."

billy idol

"every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."

h. l. mencken

"sometimes i need what only you can provide: your absence."

ashleigh brilliant

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carry on....

Equal opportunity means everybody will have a fair chance at being incompetent. - Laurence J. Peter

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, pee in it, and serve it to the people that piss you off. - Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts

"I wouldn't suck your lousy dick if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls!" Hilary Taylor as Taffy in Female Trouble

"If I wanted that comeback I'da scraped it outta yer mouth" - My friend Holly when I got sassy once

o lookee, my signature line made the list!
 

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. - Unknown

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gb_1JZW-Ab0"]YouTube- 2010 Polish American String Band "The Jokers Ball"[/ame]

please say the following in a thick russian accent
 

“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain



(the earlier "child of five" comment was Groucho Marx)

“Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.”


“Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.”


“Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.”


“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

- Mark Twain

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” - Winston Churchill

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” - William Faulkner

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” - Ernest Hemingway

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” - Abraham Lincoln

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - Irvin S. Cobb

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker

“He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” - Billy Wilder

Winston Churchill - Sultan of Scathing
 

Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more." - Justin's dad (shitmydadsays)

“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”

- Oscar Levant

"Shopping is HARD, and you're to blame...!" (as misheard and sung by my 4 year old cousin Jake, to the tune of Bon Jovi)

I like you because. . . .
 

We get along because..
The same exact thing that is wrong with you, is wrong with me... DEX