Flirting in a Non-GLBT Space
 

Femme visability is something I'm sure many femmes can identify with. I wanted to start a topic on meeting a potential mate outside the GLBT community. Obviously, at a club, bar or website that caters to the GLBT community, the dynamic is understood but what about outside that space?

As a femme, if you meet someone you find attractive, how do you approach the person? How do you let hym/her know you're interested without feeling foolish? I don't know about you but I've got no game. I'm very shy when it comes to flirting or I'm way too forward. There's simply no in between with me.

I mean, how do you say, "Hey, I see you're in the Queer community too. So am I but you just can't tell. Want to have lunch?" lol!

I have this lovely rainbow necklace I wear that could possibly come in handy sometime but some appropriate social advice would be great.

Forward On!
 

I'm forward, if I get turned down, oh well. At least I know.

Nothing ventured nothing gained ~

Just flirt..
 

Just flirt. I don't change my tactic from gay bar to Starbucks. Someone being straight or saying no doesn't / hasn't ever phased me.

Being femme (for me) is a fierce endeavor and that includes getting my flirt on where and when I want to.

Butches are often shy, and they have good reasons to assume that all women they might find attractive and interesting when they're in straight spaces are straight. We can spot them, but without that rainbow necklace they have no reason to suspect that they might be in the same room with one of us. Honestly, if I were a butch I would never EVER have the moxie to approach a woman for a date outside of designated LGBT space.

When I see an interesting looking butch I take a deep breath, then simply smile as openly as I can, extend my hand, and say, "Hi, I'm Cheryl". I catch her eye and smile some more, waiting for her to respond. If I get nothing, I just say, "It's nice to meet you". I then force myself to not immediately run away in terror. A shy butch may be totally overwhelmed by the sudden attention and may need a few extra seconds to order her thoughts before responding.

Just remember that a butch in straight space has had a lifetime of feeling like there's water everywhere with nary a drop to drink. When I put myself in the place of a butch in straight space I know that it would take me far more than a few seconds to overcome the habitual hobbling of my flirting muscles in that circumstance.

It's all in eye contact and body language. A lot of people think I'm flirting with them even when that's the farthest thing from my mind. If you smile and lock eyes with someone that person usually know you're interested.

When I moved up here to Arkansas from FL, it was often really difficult for me to find others that I thought MIGHT be LBGT. Gay-dar was not working for me, and I had been surprised (and subsequently embarrassed) by assuming that the butch looking woman was gay, when in fact she was more of a country-small-town woman. Big difference from the women I had been used to in FL! Combine that with my own femme invisibility and I just about gave up!

Then I saw a couple of women at the grocery store, adn do admit to following them with my own shopping cart. (I know, kinda creepy, right?) Trying to get their attention, smiling, then saying something like "I just moved here to AR, and it is SO nice to see other family here!". Or the usual "Do I know you? You both look so familiar to me! Umm, would you happen to be family?"

I ended up meeting my fiance in an online service. She and I were both JUST looking for friends. hehehe.

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you!

Flirting in non-GLBT space is definitely a different ballgame than in glbt space. I don't know if what I do is actually flirtation, but I definitely convey my appreciation in what I hope is a harmless way. I don't think I knew how to flirt with butches when I first came out - but over time it's become second-nature to give that look of acknowledgement/appreciation/knowing that tends to cause a corresponding blush or shy smile or stammer enough times for me to know that the message is conveyed. And occasionally a free coffee.

My intention is more of an "I see you" in an appreciative way than anything more aggressive - because I don't want to unintentionally communicate availability.

When I was single and found somebody attractive, it usually worked pretty well to be friendly and direct. A casual compliment works well if the person is available and interested. Many people will open up if you ask a few questions that aren't too invasive but require an opinion or history of some sort. I think the secret to successful flirting is not to be too invested in the results.

I say we femmes need a secret sign to signal butches out there when we arent in a LGBT space...like, putting a thumb on our chin when they look at us...which would mean YES I AM FAMILY!

I think my double take and jaw drop paired with a goofy smile lets them know but...

If that doesn't work- some solid eye contact with a more pleasant smile and some easy conversation...

If that doesn't work than I assume they don't think I'm as hot as I think they are and I can move on. :)

Femme's flirting with other Femme girls in cis straight spaces!
 

So, I am a femme who likes butches and femmes but usually I get more starstruck by femme girls. I have been in starbucks and asked a straight girl out by accident but it was totally worth the rejection because she said it made her day how honest I was.

That could have turned really bad, but it doesn't hurt to ask or flirt a little even with femme's in non queer spaces.:blueheels:

I have had it work out, but the ratio of successes to humiliating failures (for various reasons) caused me to give it up god knows how many years ago.

I simply don't do it. I have friends who do with great success. Better flirters than I. Better at taking disappointment. I don't know.

One of the things I hate is when a butch thinks I am looking at her because I am a straight woman STARING at the dyke. I just can't fucking stand that. I don't need to be made to feel invisible AGAIN. Guess what, some of the feminine folks out there are DYKES. *Gasp*

excuse me
if I may invade the femme zone briefly
only to say this is the most insightful post describing
the butch experience that I have ever read
And it came from a femme.

thank you :sunglass:

nothing ventured. . .
 

I work the fundamentals of flirting
Smile
Eye contact
Arrange for a touch, shaking hands, hand on the arm etc
then move in for the chatting and flirting while working the fundamentals.
I have found a little bit of ribbing and teasing goes well to establish rapport
I get turned down sometimes, I get surprised straight women occasionally but usually I get at least a fun chat and a if I am lucky a phone number or we leave together

When I see a butch woman in a public space, I catch her eye and smile. I'm not flirting (but it's okay if she thinks that). It's just a solidarity thing.

Yes to that a hundred times.

Oh, I HATE that! Hit the nail right on the head!