Unexpected Bible Passages
 

I was flipping through the bible the other day, and I landed on a passage that surprised me. It certainly wasn't one I ever heard in Sunday school or from the modestly Methodist pulpit.

I thought, wow, the Lord certainly is different than I imagined!

This, for example...
 

Besides all your abominations and harlotries you did not remember the days of your youth, when you were naked and bare and squirming in your blood.
23 "Then it came about after all your wickedness ('Woe, woe to you!' declares the Lord GOD),
24 that you built yourself a shrine and made yourself a high place in every square.
25 "You built yourself a high place at the top of every street and made your beauty abominable, and you spread your legs to every passer-by to multiply your harlotry.
26 "You also played the harlot with the Egyptians, your lustful neighbors, and multiplied your harlotry to make Me angry.
27 "Behold now, I have stretched out My hand against you and diminished your rations. And I delivered you up to the desire of those who hate you, the daughters of the Philistines, who are ashamed of your lewd conduct.
28 "Moreover, you played the harlot with the Assyrians because you were not satisfied; you played the harlot with them and still were not satisfied.
29 "You also multiplied your harlotry with the land of merchants, Chaldea, yet even with this you were not satisfied."'"
30 "How languishing is your heart," declares the Lord GOD, "while you do all these things, the actions of a bold-faced harlot.
31 "When you built your shrine at the beginning of every street and made your high place in every square, in disdaining money, you were not like a harlot.
32 "You adulteress wife, who takes strangers instead of her husband!
33 "Men give gifts to all harlots, but you give your gifts to all your lovers to bribe them to come to you from every direction for your harlotries.
34 "Thus you are different from those women in your harlotries, in that no one plays the harlot as you do, because you give money and no money is given you; thus you are different."
35 Therefore, O harlot, hear the word of the LORD.
36 Thus says the Lord GOD, "Because your lewdness was poured out and your nakedness uncovered through your harlotries with your lovers and with all your detestable idols, and because of the blood of your sons which you gave to idols,
37 therefore, behold, I will gather all your lovers with whom you took pleasure, even all those whom you loved and all those whom you hated So I will gather them against you from every direction and expose your nakedness to them that they may see all your nakedness.
38 "Thus I will judge you like women who commit adultery or shed blood are judged; and I will bring on you the blood of wrath and jealousy.
39 "I will also give you into the hands of your lovers, and they will tear down your shrines, demolish your high places, strip you of your clothing, take away your jewels, and will leave you naked and bare.
40 "They will incite a crowd against you and they will stone you and cut you to pieces with their swords.
41 "They will burn your houses with fire and execute judgments on you in the sight of many women Then I will stop you from playing the harlot, and you will also no longer pay your lovers.
42 "So I will calm My fury against you and My jealousy will depart from you, and I will be pacified and angry no more.

As always........its in the interpretation I think.

Does this mean there's a non-pervy way to read this?

"behold, I will gather all your lovers with whom you took pleasure, even all those whom you loved and all those whom you hated So I will gather them against you from every direction and expose your nakedness to them that they may see all your nakedness.
38 "Thus I will judge you like women who commit adultery or shed blood are judged; and I will bring on you the blood of wrath and jealousy.
39 "I will also give you into the hands of your lovers, and they will tear down your shrines, demolish your high places, strip you of your clothing, take away your jewels, and will leave you naked and bare."

the talking ass
 

27 And when the ass saw the angel of the Lord, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam's anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff.

28 And the Lord opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?

29 And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.

30 And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? and he said, Nay.

31 Then the Lord opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the Lord standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he bowed down his head, and fell flat on his face.

Ezekiel 4:12-14 (or there abouts)
 

New American Standard Bible
You shall eat it as a barley cake, having baked it in their sight over human dung.

King James Version
And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight.

Modern Spelling Tyndale-Coverdale
Barley cakes shalt thou eat, yet shalt thou first strike them over with man's dung, that they may see it."

New simplified Bible
You are to build a fire out of dried human excrement, bake bread on the fire, and eat it where everyone can see you.

Youngs Literal Translation
A barley-cake thou dost eat it, and it with dung -- the filth of man -- thou dost bake before their eyes.

Thanks FireSignFemme! That was totally unexpected :D yay

I always liked Revelations!

Revelation 9:5

They were allowed to torment them for five months, but not to kill them, and their torment was like the torment of a scorpion when it stings someone.

Ouch! :) nice one!

biblical curse generator

Thought this was kinda fun. :)

My first try was. "I pray thou shalt be plagued with gnats, flies and locusts, thou exceedingly foolish virgin!"

I got

Listen, O ye Amalekite dog, for you will be cast onto a steaming dung-heap!

Emphasis theirs not mine.

Oh that's fabulous!

"No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may participate in the assembly of the LORD."

Deu 23:1

In fairness in other passages, one in the book of Isaiah I believe, it does say eunuchs have a place in the kingdom of God but all in all the Bible does give us a really raw and uncensored look into how very politically incorrect by today’s modern standards things were back them. I think the way the translation of the Bible I grew up on stated it, was something like – No man who hath his privy member cut off… The following translations of Galatians 5:12 show how the eunuch state was used as a curse against one’s enemies back in Bible times-

Holman Bible
I wish those who are disturbing you might also get themselves castrated!

International Standard Version
I wish that those who are upsetting you would castrate themselves!

A Conservative Version
O that those who trouble you would even cut it all off.

Common New Testament
I wish that those who are troubling you would mutilate themselves!

Goodspeed New Testament
I wish the people who are upsetting you would go on, and have themselves emasculated!

Moffatt New Testament
O that those who are upsetting you would get themselves castrated!

NET Bible
I wish those agitators would go so far as to castrate themselves!

Twentieth Century New Testament
I could even wish that the people who are unsettling you would go further still and mutilate themselves.

Weymouth New Testament
Would to God that those who are unsettling your faith would even mutilate themselves.

I once read two very good books, one about eunuchs and one about the Castrati and wow, how terrible it must have been to live back then – here son your mother and I are poor so we need to either pimp you out indefinitely ourselves or sell you on the man boy love market, either that or or ready you up for the Catholics to use as their forever sounding 12 years young mezzo-soprano songstress.

I'm marking this thread for later..I found a few myself.:glasses:

"Thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against thee," -- King David (Psalms 119: verse 11?).

There are many, many people who have written “books” that have been in and out of the Bible throughout the years. The Catholic Church has whole “books” that are not in a Protestant Bible, and the Jewish faith uses only the Old Testament.

God did not write the Bible, men who claimed to be visited by the spirit or were around during the time of Jesus wrote the books of the Bible. Some, like Paul, were Pharisee and brought their beliefs and teachings into “laws” that had to be followed to be righteous with God.

My main point, is that every single thing in the Bible is open to interpretation with the exception of these: The Ten Commandments, and Jesus giving two instructions (love thy God above all others, and love thy neighbor as thyself) for Grace.

When reading the Bible to get full context, you have to remember that people are imperfect and have imperfect memories, and that you need context to really get the meaning behind what you read.

Now that I have bummed you all out for the day, on with your laughter.

Just in case it's not clearly understood by most readers:

I always thought this verse was the most surprising verse ever penned by King David. This biblical character was renowned for having concubines of women. He had a roving eye. He was married a multitude of many times. He even had Bathesheba's husband murdered after he was finished fooling around with her, so he could cover up his "sin".

My post was not to mock the depravity of this largely hailed biblical "hero."

My post was about finding this verse more along the lines of how predatory type personalities will say they do things out of loyalty to an supernatural spiritual being, then do exactly the opposite of what they want people to believe about them.

I dunno....it's just a verse I find sitting quietly, in clear view to the reader, which is nearly always surprising to me.