Wow. I almost could have wrote this. I am you when you were you were 10 years ago. Only instead of virginity it's my experiences with compulsory heterosexuality.
I too have social anxiety, and I understand exactly how you feel. I just moved into my dorm, and honestly, I am a wreck. Everyday social interactions exhaust me. When I hear my roommate bringing in friends, my heart starts beating fast, I feel sick and ill. 'Will they make fun of me?' 'Does my make-up look okay?' 'What if they don't like me?' 'How long will they be here?' 'Am I ugly?' ( a really weird and pervasive question idk where it comes from but it's always there)
It is extremely hard to get others, especially significant others- to understand social anxiety. I know. It doesn't feel good to have your experiences belittled or reduced, as is often the case. So many times of being told that I'm over exaggerating or that I need to get over it by people I once thought I could confide in have made me extremely reluctant to open up and share. It has frustrated both me and others trying to explain how I feel- and oftentimes they simply cannot understand.
Some of them try to relate- 'Oh I gt nervous making phone calls' or 'I get shy talking to new people', which only minimizes social anxiety to the occasional, passing feeling instead of a very real, 24/7 experience with very real effects. where much of my ability to function as a half-adult half-child hybrid creature is compromised. It took me two months of my mother insisting before I could call Fed Loan and tell them I couldn't make my student loan payments because I didn't have a job. The job that I quit because my manager reprimanded me over something small that I cried and was too scared to show up to work the next day. Two bois/studs strolled into my room just two days ago and I couldn't even muster up anything other than a squeaky 'Hello', when I really wanted to say ' I'd really love to get to know you and be friends. I'm a femme' I've skipped class before before because I physically cannot enter a room where everyone is already seated before me- I have to be one of the first ones to sit down.
Yeah, it's a terrible way to live. I'm constantly afraid and constantly worrying. I need almost constant reassurance and support. But most of the time, because of other's inability to understand social anxiety, I am my own supporter. It's very lonely.
Do you know what is currently helping me? Knowing that I am worth waiting for.
You are worth waiting for.
If someone is unwilling to be patient and understanding with me and my anxiety, and unwilling to be supportive, then they do not deserve me and they sure as hell don't deserve you. For every friend/family member/ romantic interest who scorns me or looks at me like I'm batty because I can't function in social situations, there's two more passionate, loving people who are willing to give me the support I need. The kind who tell me its okay if I don't want to eat in that restaurant because it's too crowded, that they don't mind having take-out instead. The ones who don't mind when I ask them to talk to me while I'm having an anxiety attack.
I always let these friends know how much I love and appreciate them, and never take them for granted, for loving me so much.
I list my talents, I compliment myself. I criticize and challenge, those negative thoughts that tell me that that group of people is laughing at me, that I'm ugly, that I'm undeserving, that I'm dumb for not being about to do things that other people can. I'm not anyone else other than me.
I'm slowly coming to a point where I realize that anyone who cannot accept all of me, flaws, scars, and all, is not someone who is worth my love or attention. Because I'm a sweet, loving person with a lot to give. I don't deserve to be reprimanded or ridiculed for something I cannot control.
I just tell myself that every day, consistently, and I feel better. And many times I still fall, I still stumble. I'm still eating Luna bars for meals because I'm too scared to eat in the cafe, but I know that I'll get there. I tell myself I don't have to do anything I don't feel comfortable doing, while simultaneously encouraging myself to leave the room more. I'm healing.
I'm not really sure if anything I just wrote made sense, or was even remotely helpful. I just wanted to let you know that I understand you, because I'm in the exact same place you are now.
I know we'll both find people who can love and appreciate us for who we are, and those people take some time to find. Maybe not now, or in a week. But we will.
