[WingsOnFire]

Originally Posted by DamonK

I have several issues rleated to previous trauma.

I loathe crowds. Although I'm excited, the thought of going to the Reunion makes my blood run cold and makes me want to hide under a table or something. I know my dislike of crowds is associated with lowered self esteem due to...issues in the past, as well as my deafness.

I have horrible nightmares. I've had the same one for almost a year now. No amount of reassurance calms me for the next day afterwards, and I will hear the sounds of the dream for a week.

I used to SI. The last time I did that was a little over a year ago, and for a few hours, that time, it was thought that I'd broken my hand.

I used to be a drug addict. I was a pill popper. My favorite pill was xanax when I could get it. Ritalin was a close second. Either of those combined with pot was awesome.

I used to drink. A lot. I used to go to work drunk. One day I scared myself.


So, sometimes I wonder, with all I've faced, how I came out on the other side? I'm still marked. I'm still scarred. For me, it's the knowledge of all I've survived through. Someone once told me, "You beat impossible odds to become a responsible, caring person."

Maybe I didn't experience the physical abuse. Maybe there was never a mark on my body from what happened to me. I learned to loathe myself. For years, I wouldn't look in a mirror.

Now, I can look in a mirror. And I don't loathe myself any longer.

Your night terrors have become much less pro dominant in the past year. However I know you try to protect me from seeing them so sometimes I dont even know you have had one.

I am so proud of you and I know that you are working hard to work through self loathing. You have no reason to feel that way about yourself but I understand why you do.

I love you fiercely and I am so proud of the progress you have made. I am proud to know that on Monday we will celebrate our first anniversary. I am proud to be loved by such a wonderful and amazing guy.