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imperfect_cupcake · 11-11-2015, 01:45 PM

Thanks bulldog, I hear you.

To the other responses - this where I feel like I live in another universe. I have been in seven different long term relationships from the age of 15 until now, at age 46. I have lived with two out of seven as a shared household and one out of shared "her" house because I needed to find a place after I moved, which took a year.

So four out of seven I never lived with someone. And the assumptions I am hearing seem really odd. I didn't have to pencil anyone in. We still had lunches and breakfasts etc together. They would come over on a thurs eve and leave on Monday morning. Or come on a Friday and leave Sunday night and I'd visit them over night on a wed.

Or something like that. They have a drawer in my dresser, some space in the closet, a shelf in the bathroom, one of the night stands, and some of their favourite stuff in the cupboard and the fridge. We shop for the dinners we share together. We have daily relaxed spontaneous free time together. Hang out for three days or four days in a row.

The difference is: my space is *my* space. Their space is *their* space. They are responsible for theirs. I don't look after it. Or their two dogs. We don't discuss if I want dogs or not. They get to make that decision all on their own. If they house is dirty, they clean it, not me. I do the dishes or make the bed with them. I don't scrub their place down. They do that stuff. I'm responsible for my place.

I don't want a house. I want a tiny wee flat in a big urban city. With a little balcony, no yard. They can live wherever best pleases them. And I can visit and stay for a few days a week.

But I share households with flat mates. I don't mind that. Because I look for a flatmate I can live with, who has the same habits as me. Falling in love with someone does not mean they have the same living habits as me. And I

HATE

Not having that easy living situation and arguing about bills, housework, where we live, pets etc... Because that's needless if we have our own space and you get your own rules and stuff and I get my own rules and stuff.

I just don't see the point when I can spend four days a week if I want, at their place and go home where they can't knock on my door and say " babe... Can you walk the dog?" Or "where is the ketchup?" Or "why is there a stain on the counter?"I also know that it's not just for three hours of precious me time, I get three whole days of doing whatever I want and having friends over without asking.

I can't do that when I live with someone. And I need it. I need more than a few hours here and there. Of course we have our own hobbies and friends. But I need to know that I can make decisions about *my* space that are entirely *mine*. As in you don't get a say what colour I paint my walls. Or how many cats I have.

I need it.

I'm actually an extrovert. And I have lived with introverts and yet they still seem to be far more intense and limpet like (lol) about personal space than me. What I find smothering will not be smothering to others. I don't need daily contact with my parter. I just don't. I carry a little part of them inside myself with intense love. I'm also not a word person. I don't need a lot of reassurance. I like contact with lots of people, daily, relaxed, without obligation.

I live in a building with three of my closest friends in other apartments. My job is touching people all day. I have a highly social job and lots of touch. I can crawl into bed and have morning coffee with my neighbour and close friend since I was 15 and is like a cousin. I can couch cuddle my friends watching a movie. I don't get all of those things off *one* person in my life. I can only be in love with one person, but I'm fed by many people in my day. On a daily basis. And I need my down times in my own space or I get sick. Without interruption. Without arguing about the recycling or what not. I want to live in a little place in a city. Not in the burbs or in the country. And I don't see that as a problem if a I stay at theirs sometimes and they stay at mine with a 2 or three day break in between.

I still get grocery shopping with them, and all the other good stuff. But what I also get is being able to say "my house, my decision." About things that are important to me. And being able to leave their place if I want to. And have my best mate over at 10pm (if my partner isn't staying over that night) after she went to the pub without asking if that's ok.

I love them, I want to be with them, but I don't need us to be roommate compatible.

11-11-2015, 01:45 PM	#169
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Thanks bulldog, I hear you. To the other responses - this where I feel like I live in another universe. I have been in seven different long term relationships from the age of 15 until now, at age 46. I have lived with two out of seven as a shared household and one out of shared "her" house because I needed to find a place after I moved, which took a year. So four out of seven I never lived with someone. And the assumptions I am hearing seem really odd. I didn't have to pencil anyone in. We still had lunches and breakfasts etc together. They would come over on a thurs eve and leave on Monday morning. Or come on a Friday and leave Sunday night and I'd visit them over night on a wed. Or something like that. They have a drawer in my dresser, some space in the closet, a shelf in the bathroom, one of the night stands, and some of their favourite stuff in the cupboard and the fridge. We shop for the dinners we share together. We have daily relaxed spontaneous free time together. Hang out for three days or four days in a row. The difference is: my space is my space. Their space is their space. They are responsible for theirs. I don't look after it. Or their two dogs. We don't discuss if I want dogs or not. They get to make that decision all on their own. If they house is dirty, they clean it, not me. I do the dishes or make the bed with them. I don't scrub their place down. They do that stuff. I'm responsible for my place. I don't want a house. I want a tiny wee flat in a big urban city. With a little balcony, no yard. They can live wherever best pleases them. And I can visit and stay for a few days a week. But I share households with flat mates. I don't mind that. Because I look for a flatmate I can live with, who has the same habits as me. Falling in love with someone does not mean they have the same living habits as me. And I HATE Not having that easy living situation and arguing about bills, housework, where we live, pets etc... Because that's needless if we have our own space and you get your own rules and stuff and I get my own rules and stuff. I just don't see the point when I can spend four days a week if I want, at their place and go home where they can't knock on my door and say " babe... Can you walk the dog?" Or "where is the ketchup?" Or "why is there a stain on the counter?"I also know that it's not just for three hours of precious me time, I get three whole days of doing whatever I want and having friends over without asking. I can't do that when I live with someone. And I need it. I need more than a few hours here and there. Of course we have our own hobbies and friends. But I need to know that I can make decisions about my space that are entirely mine. As in you don't get a say what colour I paint my walls. Or how many cats I have. I need it. I'm actually an extrovert. And I have lived with introverts and yet they still seem to be far more intense and limpet like (lol) about personal space than me. What I find smothering will not be smothering to others. I don't need daily contact with my parter. I just don't. I carry a little part of them inside myself with intense love. I'm also not a word person. I don't need a lot of reassurance. I like contact with lots of people, daily, relaxed, without obligation. I live in a building with three of my closest friends in other apartments. My job is touching people all day. I have a highly social job and lots of touch. I can crawl into bed and have morning coffee with my neighbour and close friend since I was 15 and is like a cousin. I can couch cuddle my friends watching a movie. I don't get all of those things off one person in my life. I can only be in love with one person, but I'm fed by many people in my day. On a daily basis. And I need my down times in my own space or I get sick. Without interruption. Without arguing about the recycling or what not. I want to live in a little place in a city. Not in the burbs or in the country. And I don't see that as a problem if a I stay at theirs sometimes and they stay at mine with a 2 or three day break in between. I still get grocery shopping with them, and all the other good stuff. But what I also get is being able to say "my house, my decision." About things that are important to me. And being able to leave their place if I want to. And have my best mate over at 10pm (if my partner isn't staying over that night) after she went to the pub without asking if that's ok. I love them, I want to be with them, but I don't need us to be roommate compatible.