[imperfect_cupcake]

I'm lucky enough to have had friendships that have lasted 8, 10, 25-35 years and some of those are exes and some are people I used to sleep with on rare occasion while having a friendship. Last New Years people wound up in a big sex pile, I sat that one out and played a phone game and made people sandwiches.
And I've had relationship with my mom that has been really bad at times but was worked on.

During the friendships there have been times when trust has been lost (not broken) and repaired. The friendships are stronger for it because I now trust that no matter what happens, in the very long term my friends and family will stick around. I'm guessing that if I can get that from my friends, there *might* be someone who is willing to put that kind of freedom, patience, work and care into making something romantic last.

Right now it's not important. I'm really happy with where I am and how hard I've worked and the people I've got.

I was willing to work with the betrayal in my marriage because it wasn't just one person "being an asshole". There were extreme and extenuating situations that happened, that were excessively difficult for my partner to cope with, I wasn't able to be the kind of support she needed because of a communication break down that was half my fault, and there I things I could have done differently. I hurt her, unintentionally, when she as quite weak.
I know I have to take some of the blame for e breakdown that led to what happened. So I was willing to accept some of the hurt for her decision. I also felt a lot of empathy for her. I was pissed, and frankly really dispointed at her infantile behaviour, and she did break my trust, but her heart must have been a bit broken itself at that point.

Empathy. Goes a long way in re-establishing trust. Some people don't deserve it, some people do. I made a vow in front of 40 people and a magistrate to stick by her through sickness and health, and to me that ment including mental illness of depression and slipping with booze and making bad choices.

I would still stand by that kind of promise today. I believe in marriage. And I don't think running away at first crisis is what marriage means.

I stuck to it. I made suggestions, bought books, made appointments to therapy. I was willing to forgive. Eventually she made her mind up she didn't want forgiveness, she wanted escapism from the pain in her head. And I feel for her. I'm only just now getting to the point I'm not so angry at her choice. I know she wanted to get away from being poor, not having enough stability, working so fucking hard all the time and never getting a break. Now she has that because she chose someone with money over me in the end. And although it's shit, I also empathize because it was brutal hard, what we we were going through.

And ultimately, I'm ok. I have all that I need. Her choice did not destroy my life though it felt like it for a coule of years. I'm ok. She's ok. We are both doing what we need. I didn't die. And I learned that having the worst thing ever happen to me in a relationship didn't, in fact, kill me.

Look how strong I am. Look at my friends. Look at my new career. It's ok.

I still care for my ex. I still care she's happy. I still love her in a bigger picture kind of way. I don't really want to hang out with her because she actually annoys me now, fall out from what happened, but I definitely want her to be happy and well cared for.

Anyway... I think trusting yourself is a big step to trusting others. I lost a lot of trust in myself. I trust my boundaries and my abilities now. I also trust I won't shrivel up and die every time something doesn't work out or some one hurts me in the process of working something out. That means I can take risks.

Just thinking out loud.