Quote:
Originally Posted by TL1
That is an absolutely horrible way to feel!
I hope you find someone better than the person/people that caused this
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Ah, but I only feel that way about dating. And it's not just a person or people, it's society in general that squeezes me to be a feminine unit of care - pretty first, then I can be talented and intelligent. But dating since I have gotten home to North America has been very challenging to my self worth. My weight matters more, my ability to fish camp and hike while baking cookies and being a nursey matters more. My intellectual ability, my career skills, my sense of wit, my independence, my sense of adventure matter far less. These are all masculine traits here, you see. And those aren't seemingly valued as much as my figure, my ability to cook, keep a nice house and care take other people.
I'm intelligent, talented in my work, great fun to be around, I love hosting dinner parties and getting people to get to know one another, I'm a fabulous hostess and I enjoy talking about philosophy, sciences, and constantly learning. I know I have great skills in the boudoir, I'm an experienced 46 year old sub femme. Being a highly skilled and expereinced femme also seems to put people off.
I'm tired of being measured on scales of femininity that are 300 fucking years ago. And I'm pissy about it LOL.
If someone does wind up with me, it won't be through dating. It will be through incidental friendship that forms into a relationship. Dating strangers in my personal universe is nothing I want and frankly it causes me a lot of stress and distress and fatigue.
I am actually very happy on my own. I am very confident in my abilities, I love my friends and my career rocks. But when I think about trying to date again my stomach bile twists in my gut in a pissed off way. Perhaps that is bitter? I don't know. I do know I can't deal with the stress of it and the expectations piss me off. I *like* who I am as a person. I have to get my core strength back up and even more for this kind of work. And I'm grumpy about the weight because my lovely clothes don't fit.
I'm not looking. Looking stresses me out. More like I'm leaving the door for someone with patience and confidence to take the bother to get to know me as a human, not a femme romance unit. Not pressure me or push me or make demands. Which happens a LOT.
