[Darth Denkay]

I'll bite...

Let's see, for many many many years I didn't understand the distinction between sex (biological) and gender (social construct/emotional/mental). When I was younger (elementary age maybe) I knew I was a lot more like the boys but didn't really know what that meant. And at the time I don't think it really mattered much. I was seen as a tomboy, allowed to do what I wanted, so my sex wasn't really much of an issue.

My first sense of being a little two different was during middle school when all my female friends went ga-ga over guys and I was feeling it - this ga-ga thing - for the girls. This was my first sense that all was not right with me. I knew enough not to talk about it. This was when I started to get some pressure from society (although not from my parents) that maybe I should grow my hair out, try a little make-up, and it wouldn't kill me to wear a dress once in a while. Course the idea of wearing a dress - to me - did almost feel like it could be fatal. In any case, I didn't do any of these things that I was supposed to do as a girl, and life still wasn't too complicated. In my mind I saw myself as the 'romantic partner' of the girls. Lots of crushes, lots of fantasies - about lots of girls - I was definitely a fantasy stud. At this point it really wasn't sexual for me - this was in the 80s when sex was really uncommon until high school, but I was definitely feeling something 'more than friends' towards a lot of female friends. Of course, at this point it really worked in my favor because I went to a few slumber parties - oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about!!!!

It was during high school that things really began to become an issue. I still was completely uncomfortable with the thought of makeup, dresses, long hair. On occasion I wore a dress, very rarely, just when Mom said that I really had to (weddings I remember were one such event). I did wear pants and button-ups to church - my mom overall totally let me be me. It was sometime during high school that I found a label that seemed to describe me - lesbian - but it wasn't something I talked about to anyone. This was also the time when my sex/gender became an issue for me internally. Puberty brought on changes that illuminated the difference between myself and the boys - it made it much more difficult to see myself as one of the guys. Thing is, I still really couldn't see myself as one of the girls either. What the hell was I???????????

In college I came out as gay. Overall it was a really positive experience, and removed some of the pressure to look like a girl. Even so, it didn't really relieve my internal sense that something wasn't quite right. I knew that beyond being gay, I was still really different than others of my sex. I also accepted the gender binary - I had to be either a girl or a boy. I felt a lot more like a boy. So here began the thought that maybe I was supposed to be a boy. I knew a little about transsexuals and wondered if that was what I was. It was a really scary thought for me, because while I had other gay friends and lots of supportive straight friends, I knew no one who was transgendered, and somehow that just seemed like a really horrid possibility.

After college I read a book by Fausto-Sterling - Sexing the Body. This was the first time I had any exposure to the possibility that gender was distinct from sex and might be more than just male and female. This was an amazing thought to me. I read what I could find on it, and although the books gave me somewhat a sense that maybe I wasn't a total freak, I still knew no one else like me.

It was 1999. I was 26 years old. I met a woman who identified as a femme. I had no idea what that meant. We became good friends, and through her I learned about this community called butch-femme. She explained a lot, and from there I hit the internet. I found a web-site that would change my life. I found others like me. I learned that gender really was so much more than male and female. I realized that transitioning was not the only option I had. I realized I didn't have to defined by my physical sex.

During the ten years I was involved on the site (for the first 5 years only as a lurker) my gender has shifted. I started as a lesbian who was uncomfortable with gender, who didn't understand my own. I claimed butch as my gender because it recognized - celebrated - my strong association with masculinity. I added trans because while I didn't feel like a woman, I also didn't feel totally like a guy either. I found a place where I wasn't in a box, where my gender was my own to define and describe as it fit for me. I also stopped identifying as a lesbian, for two reasons. One, I no longer identified as a woman so really wasn't a lesbian. Two, I knew that my attractions were towards a specific type of woman - a femme - and that many femmes did not identify as a lesbian either. I comfortably identify as gay (although within the butch-femme community technically I'm attracted to the opposite gender, which would make me straight...but that's an entirely different thread).

I have no plans at this time to transition. I do want chest surgery - at the very least an extreme reduction if not complete removal. In this way I guess I am uncomfortable with my female body. Beyond that, right now, the rest is okay.

My sex = female - biological
My gender = trans butch - because it's who I am