Butch Femme Planet - View Single Post - Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

Cin · 01-13-2016, 03:50 PM

I never had a list and I doubt I ever will. There are way too many variables and unknowns for me to believe I know what I do and don't want. Something intolerable in one person seems perfectly acceptable in another because of some unfathomable and unpredictable mixture of aspects and factors, not to mention degree.

For example suppose on my hypothetical list I have that the person I will entertain as a suitable partner must be kind and easy to get along with. I meet a hypothetical someone who is kind and easy going, someone who goes with the flow and isn't always struggling against others. Then I discover that it is not so much that she is kind or even easy going as it is that she avoids conflict. She would prefer not to argue to the extent that she does not get what she wants and then she is frustrated but unable to express it. This sometimes results in her displeasure coming out sideways and as a result she can be occasionally passive aggressive. She would also like it if I were telepathic. I discover that easy going is not so easy after all and she requires my help in expressing her needs and wants. Depending on the rest of our relationship and other extenuating circumstances I might be willing to help her with this. Perhaps it would be worth it to me to stay in the relationship but perhaps it would not. But either way it's difficult to interpret other people's qualities as positive or negative and even harder to categorize their attributes.

I like M Scott Peck's definition of love as being the willingness to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. So for me lists would probably give way to love. That is probably the most important ingredient in my relationship choices. How loving are our interactions? Love and compassion go a long way in overcoming those inevitable obstacles.

The difference for me today is that when I was younger I wasn't aware that other people had lists. Now I know they do and the only thing on my list is that the person I am interested in doesn't have one. For me I would be worried that I wouldn't measure up and always wondering if the person had to settle. I want to be someone's choice not something to be settled for.

Luckily for me none of this is an issue since I am very happily married to a woman who seems as though she was made especially and specifically for me.

01-13-2016, 03:50 PM	#75
Cin Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Truly Madly Deeply Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: In My Head Posts: 2,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,333 Thanked 10,404 Times in 2,476 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	I never had a list and I doubt I ever will. There are way too many variables and unknowns for me to believe I know what I do and don't want. Something intolerable in one person seems perfectly acceptable in another because of some unfathomable and unpredictable mixture of aspects and factors, not to mention degree. For example suppose on my hypothetical list I have that the person I will entertain as a suitable partner must be kind and easy to get along with. I meet a hypothetical someone who is kind and easy going, someone who goes with the flow and isn't always struggling against others. Then I discover that it is not so much that she is kind or even easy going as it is that she avoids conflict. She would prefer not to argue to the extent that she does not get what she wants and then she is frustrated but unable to express it. This sometimes results in her displeasure coming out sideways and as a result she can be occasionally passive aggressive. She would also like it if I were telepathic. I discover that easy going is not so easy after all and she requires my help in expressing her needs and wants. Depending on the rest of our relationship and other extenuating circumstances I might be willing to help her with this. Perhaps it would be worth it to me to stay in the relationship but perhaps it would not. But either way it's difficult to interpret other people's qualities as positive or negative and even harder to categorize their attributes. I like M Scott Peck's definition of love as being the willingness to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. So for me lists would probably give way to love. That is probably the most important ingredient in my relationship choices. How loving are our interactions? Love and compassion go a long way in overcoming those inevitable obstacles. The difference for me today is that when I was younger I wasn't aware that other people had lists. Now I know they do and the only thing on my list is that the person I am interested in doesn't have one. For me I would be worried that I wouldn't measure up and always wondering if the person had to settle. I want to be someone's choice not something to be settled for. Luckily for me none of this is an issue since I am very happily married to a woman who seems as though she was made especially and specifically for me.