Quote:
Originally Posted by PapaC
No, I totally get it. I mean, in this specific case, and let's look at it: s/he's what 18, 19 yrs old, and I'm this big fat burly man with a goatee. Hello, creep factor much? (lol) .. I mean, really. ... do you remember the first time a woman crossed the street to avoid you because she's reading you as male, or the first time a woman's steps are faster on the pavement? I do. I never had that experience even while living/being read as masculine female/butch.
The other thing I want to mention is (and this is where I question if I'm being a hypocrite and/or just wanting my cake)... I wanna be stealth when I wanna be, but otherwise open to those few cases where I wish I can say "I see you" by the sheer way in how I used to look. I'm not talking about (necessarily) in a known queer circle (like parties/reunions/bars, etc). but just that instant 'oh he's queer too - cool' kinda thing.
Oh and another uncomfortable setting? My barber shop. My local barber happens to be a woman (straight), and she'd hired only female employees that I've seen over the years. I've always had barbers wanna have a chat with me and such, but in a small town, they're gossiping about this that, and the other thing, but 3-4 women in this shop, they get to discussing their relationships with men, sometimes watching a soap opera too (for good measure)... Well, having been married to a man a lifetime ago, you know.... I 'get them' too.. but from a female perspective. And there's times where I start to wonder.. oh shit, what if I giggle inappropriately *as a guy* when really, I'm kinda identifying with them as my former female self? and then I think 'oh shit, I shouldn't be laughing, they might read me as odd or something'. lol.
I'm not longing to 'return', and I wonder sometimes if traditionally a therapist might read this and say I'm 'ambivalent' or 'unsure' or 'confused' (I've been told that before and told the guy to go pound sand). I admittedly like shifting between communities/groups of people/world at large. I do want to be read more.... intimately if you will... except when I don't.
thanks for your input, Thinker.
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I relate to that, C. And as for the part I bolded, those people can eff off as far as I'm concerned. I am *very* in touch with who I am, where I've been, etc... (as I believe you are); and I don't think for ONE SECOND that being very present to every experience I ever had makes me ambivalent, unsure, or confused.
To *me*, it makes me feel as if I'm being the most authentic "me" I can be.
Now, I'm not saying that transmen who don't have those same experiences and/or feelings that we are talking about are not being authentic or true to themselves. I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying that it would be damn near impossible
for me to not feel and remember every experience I've ever had and remain aware of how those things shaped me.
Although I can't personally relate to the example you shared from the barber shop (the experiences of being a female married to a male), I know *exactly* what you are talking about and have had my own experiences with people that are similar to that one. Same but different, if you will...