OK, having had some time for the gazillion thoughts regarding this subject to ramble around my head, I will try to make myself more clear.
Regarding a persons personal pronoun, I will call them whatever I see them use referring to themselves and usually avoid it altogether if I am unsure. The topic was brought up regarding a specific incident to which I feel I answered to quite clearly, as I was confused by the several choices of pronouns or descriptors the person used referring to himself. Again, I apologize if he took it in any dismissive way.
Regarding the use of the term trans, I used the quotes, because I see "TRANS" used referring to several different things and am never quite sure which it is when someone just says trans. Is it transsexual, transgendered, trans-spirited? I try not to assume, but obviously I am not the only one who gets confused by this catch all word.
Regarding MY use of the word Butch, to my knowledge "butch" was originally one of those derogatory words given to label masculine women. Mostly it was a source of hate and disparity, and like the word "fag" or "queer", butch women reclaimed it as a source of pride and power. The word itself goes back to before "lesbians" claimed it. Further, straight women were often nicknamed "Butch" and quite frequently in a loving manner by their male counterparts who were not threatened in their own sense of masculinity. I will illustrate with photos from a grave across the street from my house. This couple was married in 1956 and Pappy is still living.
As to who has a place in this community, I think we all do. My statement about MY not viewing men as "butch" is based on my experience with transsexual/ FTM's who do not identify as "butch". Again, I apologize if it was read to mean I think FTM's don't have a place here. If someone wants to call themselves a butch man, who am I to say differently?
Like Wil stated earlier, I think way too often these conversations generally only exist here because in the outside/ real world, we are all way too busy dealing with life on life's terms. The hetero world ( in general) makes and passes judgement on us based on appearances or characteristics and usually I am way too busy trying to not get killed or attacked to give a fuck about defining things like "trans" or "butch" or "pronoun preference".
Three days ago in a small convenience store we stopped at while trying to help someone move, a group of three people various ages and sexes were discussing me quite audibly. The store being very small and crowded, their words quite loud and hurtful, I smiled back in their faces and simply said "ya know, it might be nicer if you at least waited until you got outside before you start gossiping about someone who is in front of you". Now, I could have said nothing or I could have turned around and punched someone or I could have melted in fear or any number of responses. As a Butch woman I get this kind of shit almost every time I go into public and certainly any time I have to take a piss.
When trying to figure out my own place I KNOW it would be easier for me in dealing with the world at large if I transitioned... had a beard.. wasn't a source of constant ogling and for some reason a threat to straight folks who just don't get it. I, however, am not willing at this point in my life to do that. I love my wife. She is a dyke. She fell in love with ME, all of me, both my feminine and masculine aspects and presentations.
I try to call people what they wish to be called. If I read their words and descriptors and there are several to choose from, I try to reference ALL of them so I don't screw it up and ya know, sometimes I still might and will correct it as soon as it is pointed out to me. I have been living with being called he or she for so friggen long I no longer really give a shit what someone calls me. Note my personal pronoun choice. I know it is hard for some people to see me ( all live and in person) and try to guess what I am, so why should I get upset with them? To me, the meat of what a person shares with me is far more important that what gender it came from.
My struggle as a queer woman is still very based in the politics of gaining equal rights. If our brothers and sisters in the LGBT community can stop fighting with each other, then perhaps we can channel that energy into the real struggle. Perhaps, we could stop focusing so much on the minutiae of "words" and focus on the reality of "US". Perhaps we can realize our allies instead of being so quick to make enemies within our ranks.
Dylan, I am hoping this might help clarify some of where I am coming from. I may owe you a more personal response and please let me know if I do. The whole subject is so profound on so many levels both personally and as a member of this community that I am having a hard time dissecting it all.
Edited to add: If the pictures I tried to post don't show up, they are in my gallery and I am a technical idiot. Sorry.